The Not Gate (Tom and Alice #1) (12 page)

REFLECTION

Saturday
25
th
November

T
om looked at himself in his bathroom mirror. He had bolted from the bedroom moments after they had finished, making excuses to get a wash cloth. The reflection stared back at him, unmoving.

He had just had sex with a seventeen-year-old girl. He had just made love to Alice. Elation and self-loathing gripped his brain in a twisted game of tug of war.

He splashed water on his face and leaned against the sink. He breathed in and out slowly. He’d never been with a virgin before and it was harder than he’d imagined, but she was so astonishing. The biggest part of him wanted to go back in to her and show her how much better it could be. But he had hurt her. He’d even lost control slightly, forgetting to be as careful as he could. So the bigger part of him wanted to turn himself in at the nearest police station.

He disposed of the condom in the waste basket, ran the hot tap and grabbed a clean flannel.

‘Are you still awake baby?’ he whispered, walking back into his bedroom quietly. She was resting on top of the covers but had pulled the striped fleece blanket over her legs for warmth.

‘I am,’ she breathed lightly, her eyelids drifting open.

Tom walked over and sat next to her and she smiled at his nakedness.

‘I’ve got this,’ he held up the cloth, ‘can I clean you up sweetheart?’

‘If you want to, but I can get to the shower… I think.’

‘I want to take care of you,’ he really did.

Her emerald eyes looked sleepy and she looked more like a fucking child than ever before.

What have you done?

Tom gently pulled back the blanket, her small pale legs were pulled up to her stomach, he grabbed one ankle and twisted her onto her back and he began to wipe the cloth over her thighs.

‘Does it still hurt?’

‘No, not really. I just have no energy, my limbs are numb,’ she looked up at him, ‘why what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing, as long as you’re okay?’ he tried to keep his voice calm.

Alice sat up quickly, ‘what’s wrong, Tom?’

‘I’m just sorry I hurt you,’ he said his head hanging heavy.

Alice shook her head, ‘give it up will you,’ she said sternly, ‘I loved what just happened. It felt intense and crazy and wonderful. Forget everything else, please. Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t bloody rape me I asked for this.’

‘Alice,’ he paused, ‘I loved it too. But right now I can’t see any further than the fact I have just taken my student’s virginity.’

‘I can’t get enough of you… you, silly man,’ she giggled and lightly kissed his cheek.

‘Don’t, I’m being serious,’ he said half smiling.

‘That’s my favourite part of you. When you get all brooding and serious. You try really hard to deny yourself and then lose it anyway,’ she kissed him again.

Tom looked at her, what was the point in regretting every single time something happened between them? He was ruining it and damn it, he didn’t want to do that. What had happened was amazing. This was her first time and he was making it feel like a mistake.

She kissed his cheek again, her beautiful hair brushing his face lightly. He was the luckiest man breathing tonight.

He smiled ruefully and pulled her legs swiftly out from under her. Her back hitting the bed hard and she laughed. Tom moved over her body once more, his face set with predatory determination.

‘That’s much better,’ she giggled.

He grabbed her hands and lifted them over her head, holding her wrists in place with one of his larger hands. Tom couldn’t get over how small she was, how perfect. She wriggled and a shiver of arousal washed over her body and he felt the tiny tremble.

‘Do you mind if I try and make a different part of me, your favourite?’ he growled.

DAWN

Monday
27
th
November

A
lice woke at 5am in a panic. First she panicked that she and Tom hadn’t had sex and she had just awakened from a very hot dream. Then she panicked when she realised they’d had sex and this was Monday morning and she was going to see him in four hours.

She wasn’t sure why this was such a problem? Saturday night and Sunday morning had been the single most fantastic, confusing thing to ever happen to her and she was convinced nothing in her future would ever eclipse it.

It was more the fact that now she had to put on her uniform, go into school and pretend that Mr Chambers hadn’t poured every ounce of passion he had within him – into her – less than twenty-four hours ago.

They had made love three times. Twice on Saturday and once before she left on Sunday morning. She had just got out of his shower and wrapped one of his large blue fluffy towels around her and started to dry herself gently. Her skin felt tender and used, her body both weightless and heavy limbed. She could hear Tom whistling in his bedroom and she smiled, had she ever felt this happy?

Moments later he tapped on the bathroom door lightly, ‘do you want a cup of tea?’ he had inquired from beyond.

‘You can come in you know,’ she had called back.

He pushed open the door and poked his head round.

‘Didn’t want to barge in,’ he said catching sight of her. His expression changing from relaxed to heated, ‘wow, you’re about the best thing I’ve ever seen before breakfast,’ he joked, but his strong jaw twitched like he was trying to hold himself back.

Alice looked at him and made a call. She sent a silent prayer to the heavens for blessing her with a sudden strange kind of female confidence and she let the towel slip slowly from her hands.

He was on her before the towel hit the floor.

They had tried to make it to the bedroom, grabbing a condom from the bathroom cabinet, but only got as far as the bathroom doorway before he was penetrating her again. She could distinctly remember her head on the soft carpet of the landing and her legs, cold, against the bathroom floor tiles while he pushed into her, uttering explicit words near her ear, charging her with his passion and attention.

She thought strangely at the time, only when they were having sex was Tom ever just Tom. At every other moment they spent together he was the combination of Tom and Mr Chambers, man and teacher, one fighting against the other, conflicting.

Alice turned over in bed. She didn’t have to get up for another two hours and she wasn’t looking forward to her return to the role of student. Acting like this weekend had never happened, sitting opposite him in English, listening to him talk about the many sides to Mr Rochester. Wearing his mustard tie and rolled up sleeves and pretending she had no idea what he looked like in the heat of passion.

She closed her eyes and smiled, but in an odd way she had wanted to cry too. Because part of the wonderment of this situation was that she had no idea what was going to happen, neither of them did? They were simply two people, bound by body and feeling and that very thing alone dictating to them their every move.

They had no past together, they knew very little about each other. They were a product of the odd thing people describe as chemistry… or if she had her way it would be love at first sight.

The thing that kept clawing at the back of Alice’s mind though was could they ever have anything more than what they had right now?

THE WORDS

Friday
1
st
December

T
om’s week had been the hardest of his life. How had he ever thought this could work? She was there every day, sitting in front of him. Laughing with her friends, handing in homework for him to mark. Breezing past him when the bell rang and all the while her eyes held their shared passion that only he, it seemed, could see.

She was obviously so much better at this than him because he felt like he was going crazy. His skin itched and his head ached. Her body and breath consumed his every thought. He couldn’t concentrate on work. He hadn’t been able to talk to her or touch her, and some daft part of him wanted to follow her around school all day, checking on her, hoping to catch her on her own for a second just to steal a simple kiss.

He decided at lunchtime that day he was going to take charge.

Form time was straight after lunch, which really meant about twenty minutes of chatting, bringing the kids up to date on any news from the week but basically time wasting. So he had decided not to waste it today.

Tom left the staffroom early. He wanted to be there before his class. He wanted to watch Alice walk past his desk, if he was being honest with himself.

Loser.

He ran up the stairs energetically taking them two at a time very much as he had on his first day. He stopped at the top and the thought struck him. Eight weeks ago when he reached the top he had been a totally different man. If someone had appeared then and told him if he entered that room, within two months he would be having taboo sex with an innocent seventeen-year-old, he would have called them an idiot. Told them not so politely that he was a professional and that kind of thing just wasn’t something that would turn him on.

But he also wouldn’t have entered the room just in case they were right.

He pushed the door open. Life it seemed was a funny thing, because he wouldn’t change what had happened since even if he had a flying Delorean and a scientist friend named Doc.

Six minutes later she blew in, smiling, pink cheeked and her hair swept up in a ponytail. Her beautiful neck, slender and white, she glanced around at him, surprise on her face that he was already there, as he was usually late. She smiled at him, warmth and need in equal measures were visible on her face. He wanted to grab her but instead he gripped the edge of his desk.

Down.

‘Sir,’ she managed.

He smiled back at her in greeting, as well as the other two girls with her.

More minutes passed.

Tom glanced at his watch. He felt nervous but stood up anyway and cleared his throat, some faces turned to him, while others kept talking.

‘I need a volunteer to help put chairs out for the Governor’s meeting tonight,’ Tom commanded.

Alice’s hand was up after he had said the word volunteer. She had understood as he knew she would.

‘Thank you Alice, your hand was up first. Bring your things we may not be back in time for the bell,’ he then spoke to the room, ‘everyone else keep the noise down and stay in your seats.’

He grabbed his coat, bag and register and held the door open for Alice. They walked in silence down the stairs. He watched her little hand floating over the wooden bannister and her feet skipping gently down the steps.

‘Where are we really going?’ she said as they reached the bottom.

‘Lecture theatre to set the chairs out for the meeting,’ he answered and cast her that playful look.

‘Of course we are, sir,’ she replied smiling.

They walked again in silence the way a teacher and student alone would probably walk. When they had reached their destination Tom pulled out the keys for the old wooden door. It was the last part of the school yet to be refurbished and it was always kept locked when it wasn’t in use.

The lecture theatre was a huge, imposing room. It had a massive stage area. Heavy red curtains frayed and used hung either on side of it. Twenty rows of theatre style seats sat in front of that and two prop rooms to the right and left of the main stage housed extra chairs and the Drama department’s overflow of costumes.

Alice looked at the stage and smiled. All the chairs and tables had already been set out.

‘The elves must have done it,’ he smiled.

He had spent half an hour of his lunch break setting the room.

‘Clever little things aren’t they,’ she whispered back looking at him.

‘Yes, they are. Let’s get some chairs, Miss Rutherford,’ Tom held out his arm towards the prop room on the right. Alice walked in and he followed, her strawberry scented hair catching him of guard as she passed.

He loved that smell.

‘If you hear anything, grab one and walk out,’ he motioned to the plastic pile of stackable chairs.

‘Can we be us now?’ Alice reached out for his hand and he moved to her quickly.

‘Fucking hell Alice this has been a nightmare,’ he held her face in his hands and stared at her. He was totally insane for this girl, he knew that now, ‘I can’t do this, five days is too long.’

‘I know it’s been horrible. I kept imagining vaulting your desk and ripping your shirt off,’ she laughed nervously.

Tom pushed his lips to hers and again the instant amazing connection knocked him for six. How he had got to this age and never felt a kiss like this he would never understand?

They had about ten minutes before the bell would ring. It wasn’t enough. He ran his hands over the contours of her body, pulled her waist tighter to him. Her arms circled his neck, holding his mouth to hers.

He skimmed his palms over the curve of her breasts and on the left side of the sweater he felt the school emblem embroidered there. This should have been a wakeup call, but now it just made him even hotter for her.

His hands were everywhere, lifting her skirt to touch her legs, tugging her hair. Shit, he felt like he was a drug addict that didn’t know where and when his next fix would come.

Eventually he stopped and looked at her, she was flushed and breathing hard.

Tom felt he would never get used to only being able to see her for stolen moments and random nights. He wanted her all the time. With him all the time.

‘We haven’t much longer, baby. We better get straightened out,’ he looked away from her feeling the effects of their parting already.

‘Are you alright?’ she whispered.

Shit, his heart was messed up
in this now
.

‘Fine baby, just wish it wasn’t like this, you know?’ he watched her nod her head.

‘I wish I was older,’ she said as he turned away to pick up his bag.

‘Don’t wish yourself different for me Alice, please.’

‘How can I not? If I was your age, we could just be normal.’

‘I know.’

‘Can we see each other after school?’ she said pulling his arm round for him to face her, ‘You could pick me up on the gated road behind the old RAF base. No one uses that road. I’ll wait for you?’

‘Yes, okay if you’re sure you can?’ relief filled his voice, ‘if we couldn’t have seen each other this weekend I may have had to kidnap you,’ he answered smiling.

‘What an awful experience that would have been for me,’ she said smiling back.

Captivating.

Tom laughed loudly. She had a wonderful way of turning the hard part of their relationship, light and easier to deal with, ‘have I told you that you’re amazing?’ he smiled and held her hands tightly.

‘Only about a hundred times,’ she joked.

‘Have I told you that you’re beautiful?’ he tucked a stray hair behind her ear.

‘Once or twice,’ she replied helping him with the strand that he was fumbling with.

Tom breathed in and lifted her chin with his hand, ‘have I told you I’m falling in love with you?’

What’re you doing!

She looked at him like she hadn’t heard him right and he smiled back in reassurance. Tears filled her eyes, ‘…never.’

‘Well I’ll have to work on that, won’t I?’

God, he was a fucking, sad, love sick puppy.

‘Twice is good,’ she whispered.

‘I love you, Alice Rutherford. I should have told you last weekend but I was an idiot,’ he was officially crazy, but he didn’t care.

‘You know how I feel, I’ve never hidden it,’ she said wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

‘A man likes to hear it too,’ he said pulling her hand away from her face. It was shaking hard or was that his?

‘I love you, Tom.’