The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (43 page)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

EPHESIANS 4:31-32

A NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE needs the emotional warmth that comes from a wholesome relationship with both sets of in-laws, and parents need the emotional warmth that comes from the couple. After all, as parents, we have a large investment in our children. But we're not perfect. Sometimes we say things that hurt. Perhaps we didn't mean it the way our children interpreted it, but the relationship is fractured.

Life is too short to live with broken relationships. Confessing our wrongs and asking for forgiveness are fundamental biblical principles that must be applied to in-law relationships as well as to marriage relationships. We do not have to agree with each other in order to have wholesome relationships, but bitterness and resentment are always wrong, as we see clearly in the passage above from Ephesians 4. As believers, we must take the high road when it comes to relationships with our adult children. Our ideals should be kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness.

Mutual freedom and mutual respect should be the guiding principles for parents and their married children.

Father, so many things can threaten our relationships with our parents or our children. Please help us not to take offense easily. When a wrong is committed, please remind us to be kind and forgiving rather than bitter and angry. I know our family relationships will be better for it.

Naaman became angry and stalked away. "I thought he would certainly come out to meet me!" he said. "I expected him to wave his hand over the leprosy and call on the name of the LORD his God and heal me!" 2 KINGS 5:11

WE OFTEN GET ANGRY about the wrong things. Take this Bible story as an example: Naaman, a military commander from the country of Aram, had been stricken with leprosy. After traveling to Israel to ask Elisha for healing, he became angry when the prophet of God did not come out to see him and speak to him directly. Instead, Elisha sent word that to be healed, Naaman needed to dip seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman felt disrespected because he didn't think Elisha had acknowledged his importance. In his anger he was ready to go home, until a humble servant suggested that his anger was distorted-out of proportion-and misplaced. Naaman repented, did what the prophet suggested, and was healed.

Naaman's pride had been hurt, and we are all too similar. Often we get angry because something our spouse says or does embarrasses us, or something our spouse fails to do irritates us. A husband whose wife is late coming home may start thinking, I can't depend on her for anything. She doesn't love me. If she loved me, she would not let this happen. She only thinks of herself. He may be halfway to divorce court before he realizes that his wife is in the hospital. His anger is distorted.

When you are angry, think before you act. Make sure you have all the facts. Pray for wisdom. You may discover that your anger is distorted.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for the times when I get ahead of myself in my anger. Please keep me from distorted anger, and show me how to wait to act until I have the truth.

Each of us will give a personal account to God. So let's stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. ROMANS 14:12-13

DISTORTED ANGER is that emotion you experience when your spouse doesn't live up to your expectations. What you do with it can make or break your relationship.

Let's take an example: When Beth and Patrick divided the household chores, they agreed that Beth would take responsibility for the laundry. Today, Patrick is angry because Beth forgot to take his shirts to the dry cleaners. What is he going to do?

He could blast her with harsh words: "I can't depend on you for anything. I've never seen anyone so irresponsible." If he takes this approach, things will get worse. If, however, he says, "Sweetie, I'm frustrated. I saw my dirty shirts still lying on the chair. I don't have a clean shirt for tomorrow," then he may hear her say, "Oh, Patrick, I'm so sorry. I was in a rush and forgot them. Don't worry, honey. I'll make sure you have a clean shirt."

The difference? In one statement Patrick shared condemnation. In the other he shared information: "I'm frustrated and don't have a clean shirt for tomorrow" Sharing information is always better than sharing condemnation-not just because it elicits a better response, but also because it follows the Bible's advice. Romans 14 tells believers to stop condemning each other, because harsh condemnation can cause another believer to stumble. When you answer harshly, you may provoke your spouse to anger or discouragement. Sharing information rarely has those negative effects. Try it the next time you feel like your spouse let you down.

Father, it's easy to condemn my spouse without even thinking, but I've seen firsthand how harmful that can be. Help me to practice sharing information instead. Please smooth over our interactions so that they're not characterized by distorted anger.

The lips of the godly speak helpful words. PROVERBS 10:32

DISTORTED ANGER is the kind of anger you feel when the person you love disappoints you. One way to deal with it is something I call "negotiating understanding." If you're feeling anger or hurt, it needs to be processed with your spouse in a positive way.

Here's an example. You might begin by saying, "I want to share something with you that is not designed in any way to put you down. I love you, and I want our relationship to be open and genuine, so I feel that I must share some of the struggles I'm having. Over the past few months, I've sometimes felt hurt, disappointed, and neglected. A lot of it focuses around your going to the gym three nights a week. Please understand that I'm not against your efforts to stay in shape. I'm not even asking you to change that. I just want you to know what I'm feeling. Hopefully we can find an answer together."

Those are helpful words and show that your primary goal is finding a solution, not being right. According to Proverbs 10:32, the godly speak helpful words like this. So when you take this approach, you're acting in a way God approves. Such an open, positive approach creates a setting for the two of you to negotiate understanding and find a growing marriage.

Lord God, l want my words to be helpful, not hurtful. As we discuss issues as a couple, please give us the desire to find a solution together. Help me to give up the need to be right.