The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (39 page)

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, yourfaith, and your purity. i TIMOTHY 4:12

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE gives you the "silent treatment,"you may feel helpless. But you're not. You can help break the silence. However, you don't do it by criticizing your spouse for not talking. Instead, you do it by trying to understand what is going on inside your loved one and addressing those issues.

I can hear someone saying, "But how can I know what is going on inside him if he won't talk?" The answer is to think. Think about your spouse's emotional needs. When our emotional needs are not met, we act badly, and silence is one form the misbehavior can take.

Jill addressed the issue when she said to her husband, "Mike, I realize that I have not been speaking your love language lately. I'm really sorry about that. I got so busy that I forgot the main thing-I love you. I think that your silence is probably related to the fact that you feel neglected by me. If so, could we agree that next time this happens, you will simply say, `My love tank is empty. I need to know that you love me'? I promise you I'll respond, because I do love you."

You guessed it. In response to that loving, honest request, Mike started talking. As the above verse mentions, our words should be above reproach, and our love should be evident. When that's the case, we will have a positive effect on others.

Lord, please give me the maturity, the self-control, and the wisdom to respond lovingly to my spouse when he or she has stopped talking to me. Show me how to address the core issue of his or her emotional needs. Heal our relationship.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.

HEBREWS 13:4 (NIV)

THE BOOK OF GENESIS says that when a husband and wife have sexual intercourse, they become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24, NIV). In other words, their two lives are bonded together. Sex is the consummating act of marriage. We have a public wedding ceremony and a private consummation of the public commitment. Sexual intercourse is the physical expression of the inward union of two lives.

In the ancient Hebrew Scriptures and in the New Testament writings, sexual intercourse is always assumed to be reserved for marriage. That is not an arbitrary denunciation of sex outside of marriage but simply an effort to be true to the nature of sexual intercourse. Such deep bonding is inappropriate outside a loving, lifetime commitment between a husband and a wife. The author of the book of Hebrews talked about keeping the marriage bed purein other words, keeping sexual intercourse as a special thing only between a husband and wife.

Sex is not simply a matter of joining two bodies that were uniquely made for each other. It touches on intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual bonding as well. Sex was God's idea, and marriage is the context in which it finds ultimate meaning.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of sex in my marriage. lam grateful for the physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding that results from our sexual relationship. I pray for your grace to keep this bond strong and pure.

The husband should fu fill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fu 111 her husband's needs. i CORINTHIANS 7:3

WE MUST UNDERSTAND male-female differences if we are going to discover God's ideal for sexual intimacy. The husband's emphasis is most often on the physical aspects: the seeing, the touching, the feeling. The wife, on the other hand, typically emphasizes the emotional aspect. Feeling loved, cared for, and treated tenderly will pave the road to sexual intimacy for her.

The apostle Paul's words make clear that as a couple, our goal must be to meet each other's sexual needs. That takes some deliberate work. The husband must learn to focus on his wife's emotional need for love. The wife must understand the physical and visual aspect of her husband's sexual desires. As in all other areas of marriage, this requires learning. If the couple focuses on making the sexual experience an act of love, each seeking to pleasure the other, they will find fulfilling sexual intimacy. But if they simply "do what comes naturally;" they will find sexual frustration.

It should be obvious that we cannot separate sexual intimacy from emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy. We can study them separately, but in the context of human relationships, they can never be compartmentalized.

The sense of closeness, of being one, of finding mutual satisfaction is reserved for the couple who is willing to do the hard work of learning about each other. Love can be learned, and sexual intimacy is one of the results.

Lord Jesus, it's easy to fall into selfishness when it comes to sex. Asa couple, please help us to focus on each other. May our desire to please each other increase, and may that strengthen our relationship.

Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.... You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.

SONG OF SOLOMON 4:10, 12

MEN AND WOMEN ARE SIMILAR, yet vastly different. That was God's design in many areas, including the sexual. Men are stimulated by sight. Simply watching his wife undress in the shadows of the bedroom light may prepare a man for sex. (I'm sorry, men. Our wives can watch us undress and be unmoved. I mean, the thought never even crosses their minds.)

Women tend to be far more stimulated by tender touch, affirming words, and acts of thoughtfulness. That is why many wives have said, "Sex doesn't begin in the bedroom. It begins in the kitchen. It doesn't start at night; it starts in the morning" The way she is treated and spoken to throughout the day will have a profound effect upon her desire for sexual intimacy in the evening.

The above passage from the Song of Solomon beautifully demonstrates the delight that can come from recognizing that your spouse is full of secrets to discover. Differences don't have to be frustrating; they can be entrancing as well. I'm convinced that if husbands would follow the biblical admonition to "dwell with [their wives] according to knowledge" (1 Peter 3:7, KJV), they would discover the sexual intimacy that God designed marriage to provide.

Father, thank you for the differences between my spouse and me. I pray that you would give us the patience to study each other, to understand how the other responds sexually, and to treat each other with love.