The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (76 page)

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. JOHN 8:32

I WANT TO SHARE four myths that often destroy our motivation for working on our marriages. If I believe these myths, I will be in bondage, but the walls of my prison will really be made of paper. They can only hold me if I think they're too strong for me to break through. Jesus told his hearers that when we know the truth, it will set us free. We can be free from these myths when we counter them with truth.

Myth #1: My state of mind and the quality of my marriage are determined by my environment.

The Truth: God can give peace of mind even in the worst of situations (see John 14:27). I can be God's instrument for improving my marriage.

Myth #2: People cannot change.

The Truth: People do change every day, often dramatically. God is in the business of changing lives (see 2 Corinthians 5:17).

Myth #3: When you are in a bad marriage, you have only two options: be miserable or get out.

The Truth: You can be a positive change agent in your marriage (see Romans 12:2).

Myth #4: Some situations are hopeless.

The Truth: With God, no situation is hopeless (see Romans 15:13). He is the God of miracles. Focus your eyes on him rather than on your situation.

Lord God, thank you for the truth of your Word, which counters the lies we often believe. Please help me to cling to your truths-that change can happen, that nothing is hopeless, that you desire good for my marriage. Transform me, Lord, and give me a transforming love for my spouse.

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ... First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. MATTHEW 7:1-3, 5 (NIV)

IT IS EASY FOR us to identify the failures of our mates, but more difficult to admit our own. When couples come to me for counseling, I often give each individual a sheet of paper and ask them to list their spouse's faults. They will write profusely for ten or fifteen minutes. Some even ask for more paper.

Then I ask them to make a list of their own faults. Most people can think of one. But I have seen them sit there and sit there trying to think of a second. Seldom has anyone come back to my office with more than four things on that list. We see twenty-seven things wrong with our spouse, but we only have four on our own list.

We tend to see ourselves through rose-colored glasses. Our faults do not look very big to us because we are used to them. We have lived with them for years. Naturally, then, we attribute the real problem to our mate's behavior. But Jesus warned us not to judge each other, because the level of criticism we use against others will be used against us-likely by our spouse! He told us to first get the plank out of our own eye. Once we've done that, we can see more clearly to help our mate deal with his or her faults.

When it comes to seeking genuine reconciliation with our mate, admitting our own failure is the first step.

Lord Jesus, lam ashamed at how often 1 criticize my spouse harshly yet don't give my failings a second thought. Please forgive my judgmental spirit. Help me to deal with my own issues before 1 cast blame on my spouse. And please help me to express love, patience, and kindness to my husband or wife, rather than criticism.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. PSALM 34:18

WE MAY NOT TALK about it much, but the fact is that Christians sometimes get angry with God when we feel that God has treated us unfairly. This often comes after a difficult event, such as a child being diagnosed with a serious disease or being born with a physical or mental abnormality. If this anger is not dealt with properly, it will cause marital discord. Why? We don't feel comfortable expressing our anger to God, so we may express it to our spouse. Our spouse will feel trampled on when the situation was not his or her fault. As a result, our spouse will also become angry. Two angry people do not make for a good marriage.

If you feel that God has been unfair to you, let me encourage you to take your anger directly to him. You need not feel ashamed of your emotions; you can freely express your heart to God. You will not upset him, and your anger will not catch him by surprise.

When Job was going through a time of intense suffering, he desperately wanted to know why. He brought his questions to God, and God listened-and eventually responded. God did not explain everything; in fact, he responded with more questions than answers. However, Job was reassured that God was present, had heard him, and was fully in control. He responded in wonder, "I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes" (Job 42:5). Often when we express our anger to God, he comforts us by renewing our perspective.

The Lord knows your heart and wants to walk with you through your pain. As Psalm 34 reminds us, he is close to the brokenhearted. The first step in finding healing is admitting to him that you are feeling anger.

Father, when lam angry at you, I often take it out on my spouse, even though I know that's inappropriate. Please forgive me, and help me to treat my loved one with kindness even in the midst of emotional turmoil. Thank you for being big enough to handle all of my emotions, even my anger.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. JOHN 13:34 (NIV)

WE WILL NEVER be able to address the real problems in a relationship until we understand what motivates the other person's behavior. All of our behavior is motivated by inner needs, including the need for love.

Barb complains that her husband doesn't have time for her. She often raises her voice and delivers angry lectures to him, accusing him of not caring for her. Sometimes these lectures work, and her husband, Bob, will sit down and talk with her-but he is typically resentful. How much better their interactions would be if Bob understood that Barb's primary love language is quality time and made an effort to talk with her regularly. Addressing her need for love might well eliminate her negative behavior.

As believers, we're called to love each other as Christ loves us. That was the "new command" Jesus gave his disciples in John 13, and it's a tall order. But one way we can go about that is to make sure we're responding patiently, even when provoked. Loving our spouse with Christlike love means looking at his or her heart. Learning to identify the emotional need that is behind your spouse's behavior-rather than just arguing about the symptoms-is a major step in being a positive influence in an otherwise difficult relationship. Don't curse the behavior. Address the need.

Father, when I'm tempted to roll my eyes or lash out, help me to be patient enough to look beyond the way my loved one is acting. I pray for wisdom to see the needs that are behind the actions and for grace to meet those needs.