The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (87 page)

Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone. COLOSSIANS 4:6

IN THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS, we have looked at some unhealthy patterns of communication. We've discussed the Dove, the Hawk, the Owl, and the Ostrich. Today I want to suggest five ways to change those patterns.

First, identify the unhealthy pattern. Which one of the four is most prominent in your marriage?

Second, admit that the pattern is detrimental to your relationship. For example, say to yourself, "I am a Hawk, and it's hurting my marriage."

Third, decide that you want to see the pattern changed. Changes don't happen automatically with the passing of time. Things change only when we decide to change them.

Fourth, replace old patterns with new patterns. Get a good book on communication and find out what healthy communication looks like. Then begin working those ideas into your marriage. Yes, it takes time and effort, but it pays great dividends.

Finally, admit when you fall back into old patterns. No communication pattern will be changed overnight, and a relapse does not mean failure. It is a normal part of changing bad habits. Be persistent, and eventually you and your spouse will see change.

Let your goal be to follow the apostle Paul's advice and share "gracious and attractive" communication between the two of you.

Heavenly Father, l pray for the wisdom to see the negative communication patterns in my own life and in our relationship. Please help us to see the problems, be willing to change, and then make a change. I want my conversation to honor you.

Love means doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the beginning. 2 JOHN 1:6

SOMETIMES AN INDIVIDUAL will say to his or her spouse, "I want you to be happy. If leaving me will make you happy, then leave. It hurts, but I want you to be happy." On the surface that may sound loving and self-sacrificial, but in reality it is neither. Real love seeks the other person's good. And according to the Scriptures, breaking the marital covenant is not good. (See 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 for one example.)

A person's greatest good is found not in happiness but in righteousness. If happiness is found by doing something that is wrong, the happiness will be fleeting because the pleasures of sin are always shortlived. (See Hebrews 11:25.) So Christians must never encourage divorce in pursuit of happiness. Instead, we need to encourage each other to righteousness. As the apostle John wrote in the passage above, love means following God's commandments, or living righteously.

The real question is, what does the Bible teach us to do in our present situation? If you don't know the answer, then find a godly pastor who is acquainted with biblical principles for marital relationships. Once we know what is right, as believers we must seek it at all costs.

Father, thank you for this helpful definition of love. It's not about making my spouse happy at all costs. Rather, it's about encouraging my mate to do what is right and what is ultimately best for him or her-following your commands. Please help me to honor my marriage vows even in the midst of struggle, and not simply to look for the easiest solution.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. HEBREWS 11:1

WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH in your marriage, it may seem easier to give up and pursue your own happiness, especially when the feelings of love have evaporated. However, the Christian's call is not to the easy road but to the right road. I can promise you that after the pain of reconciliation, the right road leads to both happiness and love.

The choice to pursue reconciliation is a step of faith. You cannot see the warmth of emotional love returning to your relationship. You cannot see differences being resolved. You cannot see the intimacy you desire in a marriage. Therefore, you must take the first steps by faith, not by sight. But it is not blind faith; it is faith based on the counsel of God. With your hand in God's hand, you must walk with him, trusting his wisdom that honoring the marriage covenant is the right thing to do.

When you step out in faith to seek reconciliation with your mate, you join the ranks of the biblical greats. Read Hebrews 11 for many examples of people who acted in faith, without any guarantees that things would go their way. The only assurance they had that things would ultimately turn out for the best was the promise of God. You have the same. Do you need more?

Father, l am challenged to step out in faith. When our marriage hits a rough spot, help me to work toward reconciliation because it's the right thing to do. I may not have any guarantees that my spouse will be receptive, butt have your promise to be with me. Please give me the strength to make the right choice.

[Jesus said,] "Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many" MATTHEW 20:26-28

THE KEY THAT UNLOCKS the door to a happy marriage is learning to serve your spouse. I must confess that it took me a number of years to discover this key. When I got married, I was thinking about how happy my wife was going to make me. When she did not perform to my satisfaction, I was disappointed, hurt, angry, and hostile. Not a pretty picture.

Have you been there? You make demands on your spouse and then get angry when he or she does not do what you demand. You might respond with, "Why don't you do this? You know how important it is to me." Or, "How could you do that? You know how it makes me feel." With such statements, you try to manipulate your spouse's behavior.

Have you discovered that it doesn't work? People don't respond well to demands. Instead, try serving. Jesus told his disciples that anyone who wants to be a leader needs to first be a servant. We should follow his example and serve others.

Try doing something for your spouse that you know he or she would like you to do. Developing your serve has far more potential than continuing to make demands. Do something good for your spouse today!

Lord Jesus, thank you for your example of service. Help me not to make demands on my spouse, but instead to genuinely serve.