The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (86 page)

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. EPHESIANS 4:15

MARRIAGE EXPERTS have discovered some common communication patterns that are detrimental to communication. One such pattern is what is sometimes called the Dove. In this pattern, one partner placates the other in order to avoid his or her wrath. It's the "peace at any price" syndrome. Typical statements from a Dove are "That's fine with me" or "Whatever makes you happy makes me happy."

Doves are always trying to appease the other person, often apologizing for things that may have upset the partner, no matter how insignificant. They almost never disagree with their spouse openly, no matter how they feel. Often the Dove pattern grows out of low self-esteem. The placater may think, My ideas are not worth anything, so why express them? He or she may also fear the spouse's response to disagreement.

It should be obvious that this pattern of communication does not build authentic marriages. Honesty honors God and reflects his image. Psalm 31:5 even refers to the Lord as "the God of truth" (Niv). We must learn to speak the truth-with grace and in love, to be sure, as the apostle Paul encourages in the verse above-but we must speak the truth.

Lord God, it's clear from Scripture that truth is of paramount importance to you. Help us as a couple to commit to speaking the truth to each other, lovingly. Let me not be afraid to say what I think or what needs to be said.

Now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. ROMANS 8:1-2

IF POSITIVE COMMUNICATION enhances a relationship, then negative communication sabotages it. Another common pattern of negative communication is the Hawk. Typical phrases from a Hawk include "It's all your fault" or "If you had listened to me, we wouldn't be in this mess." In this communication style, one spouse blames the other for everything. The Hawk is the boss, the dictator, and the one in charge who never does anything wrong. He or she might even veer into verbally abusive statements such as, "You never do anything right," "You always botch it up," "How could you be so stupid?" or, "If it weren't for you, everything would be fine." The Hawk never takes responsibility for a problem.

Usually, Hawks are suffering from low self-esteem. They cannot admit that they are wrong because that would confirm the sense of failure they already feel. The Hawk needs the healing touch of the biblical reality: All are sinners, but in Christ we are forgiven. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, as Romans 8 tells us; instead, if we have confessed our sins, we are free from them. If Christ does not condemn us, how can we condemn each other? Marital communication is one forgiven sinner talking to another.

If you see the Hawk pattern at work in your marriage, ask for God's forgiveness and make a fresh start.

Lord, l need the reminder that both of us in this relationship are sinners. We both need the humility to admit when we are wrong and the patience to deal with each other with love and respect. Please forgive us for the way we have hurt each other, and help us to start fresh.

Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

ROMANS 12:15

WITHOUT REALIZING IT, many of us have developed negative communication patterns that are destroying our marriages. Another such pattern is Mr. Owl or Mrs. Calm, Cool, and Collected. This is the "let's be reasonable" syndrome. These people are more like computers than humans, and they can give you logical answers to everything.

They will calmly explain anything about which you may have a question. They will make the answer sound so reasonable that you will wonder how anyone could have ever thought otherwise. These folks usually think of themselves as being reasonable and intelligent. They pride themselves on not showing emotion, and when someone else shows emotion, they calmly sit until the storm is over and then proceed with their reasoning.

The reality is that this kind of dispassionate reason doesn't always follow God's ideal for us. Romans 12:15 encourages us to rejoice with people who are rejoicing and mourn with those who are grieving. In other words, we are to enter into their situation and comfort them by experiencing some of their emotions with them.

The sad thing is that Mr. Owl and Mrs. Calm, Cool, and Collected don't realize that they have a problem. They wonder why their spouse doesn't appreciate their superior wisdom. Will someone please knock them off their roost?

Lord Jesus, it's easy for me to be overly rational. Forgive me for ignoring my spouse's feelings in my arrogance. Please give me the humility to realize that my way is not perfect. Teach me to appreciate my spouse's emotions and to enter into them with compassion.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. JAMES 1:19

THE LAST NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION PATTERN we'll discuss is the Ostrich: "Ignore it and it will go away." This pattern involves one person basically ignoring any of the other person's actions and comments that he or she finds disagreeable. The Ostrich seldom responds directly to what the other person says. Instead, she changes the subject and moves on.

Ostriches are activists. If they are talkers, they will rattle on and on about nothing related to anything. If they are doers, then they will constantly be involved in activity. If you ask a question about what they are doing, you will seldom get a direct answer.

The Ostrich sometimes develops a singsong style of talking. You can interrupt her and make your own comments, but then she will start talking again-often on a topic unrelated to what you have just said or even to what she was saying beforehand. Her conversation goes in all directions and seldom reaches any conclusions. If you open a topic of conversation she finds uncomfortable, she may immediately change the subject.

James has the best advice for this person: Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Make sure you hear and understand what the other person says before you jump in. The Bible is clear that ignoring unpleasant issues-especially being confronted with something we have done wrong and need to correctis foolish and leads to trouble (see Proverbs 10:17).

If you or your spouse has Ostrich tendencies, you may need the help of a counselor. Without this, the ignoring will continue-and that's a flimsy base for honest, direct communication.

Father, this tendency to ignore the difficult issues in our relationship affects both of us at times. Help me to realize how destructive that is. Please show us the right way to address conflicts and struggles head-on, with grace and courage.