The Only Shark In The Sea (The Date Shark Series Book 3) (22 page)

Natalie chose not to tell Vance that when she had arrived at the shelter she had been so weak and dirty that several volunteers had to help her wash and she hadn’t been strong enough to resist despite her newfound phobia, or that her weight had dropped from a healthy one hundred and twenty-five to ninety-three pounds. It would only make him feel worse, and he already took too much of her pain on himself. Besides, it had been the start of her new life. No matter how she had arrived at the shelter, she had left in considerably better condition.

“The shelter workers helped me find a job, change my name, and apply to a local college. Once I was earning enough money to live on, they helped me find a small apartment, and the rest is history, I guess.”

There was still pain hiding in his eyes, but Vance’s expression now held an equal amount of relief and gratitude. “I’m glad you got that sandwich and found the shelter.” His expression changed slightly, to one of contemplation. “Have you ever thought of going back there, or looking for the woman who helped you? I know I’m not your psychiatrist anymore, but it might be good for you.”

A real smile spread across Natalie’s lips. “I already have. After I graduated, I went back. No one knew what had happened to the woman who helped me, but the shelter workers remembered me and I was able to thank them. I couldn’t afford to donate much at first as a way to repay them for everything they had done for me, but I’ve donated more every year, and I’ll keep donating as long as I can.”

Silence fell between them for a few minutes, but less tense and anxiety ridden than before. It was almost shocking for Natalie to experience the change, to know Vance knew the truth about everything and he not only understood, he had no desire to turn his back on her.

“You asked me before,” Vance said slowly, “if I saw you differently after hearing your story.” He shifted, bringing himself the tiniest bit closer to her. “Now I’ve heard your
whole
story, and it does change the way I see you, but only in the best ways.”

Natalie shook her head, knowing he wasn’t being completely honest, but he spoke over her silent objections.

“It’s not about how I see you, though. I know you’re determined to help me, but I can’t let you do that without returning the favor.” His mouth curved up in a warm smile that caused a strange tightening in Natalie’s chest. “I won’t be satisfied until you see yourself how you really are. Strong, brave, beautiful…amazing.”

Natalie used to believe she was the first two, the last she wasn’t so sure about at all, but… “Beautiful?” she whispered.

“Beautiful,” Vance echoed.

The feeling of her chest constricting was all too familiar, but the absence of panic to induce it was startling. The warmth she felt touching him the night before fluttered back into her mind like a temptation. It was one thing to make accidental contact when he was asleep. Touching him, or letting him touch her, she couldn’t bring herself to do it no matter how much she wanted that feeling again in that moment.

He wanted it too, she realized. It was a frightening realization, and she almost pulled back out of instinctual fear. Vance had admitted it in a way a few minutes earlier, but he had been talking about comforting her. Calling her beautiful…she didn’t know if that changed his reason for wanting to touch her. It was right there in his eyes, though. All it would take was her making the first move, telling him it was okay. Desperation to feel his skin against hers almost literally took her breath away, she wanted it so badly, but she couldn’t. She hated herself for her weakness, but there was no way around it as she lay face to face with him, the gap of less than a foot of space between them an uncrossable distance.

Reluctant, but seeing her conflicted state, Vance began to pull back.

“Stay with me,” Natalie begged.

“But…” Vance seemed uncertain. He saw her labored breathing, her fear. Experience told him to back off, and he was a good enough man to listen.

Natalie pushed up onto her elbow, more desperate than ever. “Please.” He didn’t move, but he didn’t lay back down. “Please, Vance, it’s better when you’re with me.”

“But I’m scaring you again,” he argued.

“No.” She couldn’t verbalize the real reason behind her reaction to his presence. She wasn’t even sure she totally understood it. All she really knew was that she needed him to stay, even if just for a little while.

Vance was hesitant as he laid back down on the bed. Facing her as he laid on his side, he watched her carefully. Closing her eyes, she imagined she could feel the warmth radiating from him, comforting her, and it helped calm her breathing and racing heart.

One arm tucked beneath her pillow, the other curled against her chest, fingers in a tight fist. Forcing the fingers open was the first step, pressing her palm flat on the mattress the second. For the longest time, that was the most she could manage. The effort it took to slide her hand away from her body a few inches was Herculean, but she did it. Opening her eyes, she found Vance’s hand barely half an inch from hers. Only mildly surprised that he’d known exactly what she had wanted, she was taken aback all the same when she met his eyes and saw her own desires and fears echoed in his.

She wasn’t ready to move any closer than they were in that strange yet beautiful moment, but she wasn’t terrified to try anymore. Not with Vance.

“I’m not scared,” Natalie whispered.

Vance swallowed hard. “I am.”

Chapter 24

The Plan

A knock on the door startled them both, but neither one moved for a few seconds. Natalie seemed pinned in place by fear, but Vance’s hesitation was more one of confusion. What was he doing? He had been blatantly honest in telling Natalie that he was scared. He was terrified to be close to her for more than one reason.

Peter’s initial disapproval at thinking he was involved with Natalie brought on loads of guilt. How could he even be thinking about something like that so soon after Stephanie’s death? That wasn’t the only conflicted thought plaguing him. Was the fight and the reason he left that night pushing him away from his grief to search out something to fill the emptiness, or was his sudden interest in Natalie independent of everything else? Was it wrong to consider getting closer to her?

He knew it could hurt her, derail the progress she’d been making lately if they built a relationship from the ashes of horrible circumstance and it failed like so many others. If his goal was truly to help her, shouldn’t he back off and do that? Not be selfish? Was he putting his needs above hers by even considering such a thing? Would his friends and family shun him for it? Did he care? Would he and Natalie ever move beyond close but not too close interactions? He didn’t know the answer to any of his questions, and that scared him even more.

The knock came again and Vance sighed while Natalie’s eyes darted around wildly. “Hey,” he said, “it’s okay. I’m almost positive it’s just Guy dropping off some things. I gave him the code to get into the building earlier. I’ll answer it. You can stay here if you want.”

Pushing up to sitting, Natalie seemed confused. “Guy? Why would he be dropping anything off?”

That’s when Vance remembered he had never actually discussed his plan with Natalie. “Uh, I’ll explain in a minute.” Then he bailed. Yeah, it was the coward’s way out, but he just needed a few minutes to clear his head. He made it to the door quickly and flicked open all the locks before finally opening the door to a fairly impatient looking Guy. “Sorry, fell asleep.”

“Yes, I assumed as much when you neglected to answer any of my texts earlier,” Guy said. He shook his head like he was talking to his son, Warren, but there was great relief underlying his annoyed tone.

“Sorry. What were you texting me about?”

“I did not make it by at lunch as I had promised. Charlotte needed me at home for a few minutes and there was not enough time.” Guy looked repentant, but Vance just shrugged.

“What time is it?”

“Six o’clock in the evening,” Guy said. “I can imagine the rest was good for you, though. I am glad you were able to sleep.” Guy cocked his head to one side and smiled. “
Bonjour
, Natalie. How are you doing?”

Vance glanced back and noticed her standing several feet behind him. A quick stab of anxiety hit him as he realized her slightly rumpled appearance made it pretty obvious she had also been asleep. Did Guy realize they had been in the same bed? He turned back to his friend, leery of judgment, but Guy’s expression showed nothing but friendliness.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Natalie whispered.

“Good, good. I am glad to hear that. I am also glad that you are keeping an eye on Vance. You must make sure he does not ignore his friends again for so long. We were quite worried,” he chided.

Natalie smiled faintly. “Yeah, me too, but he seems to be doing a lot better today.”

“I’m fine,” Vance grumbled. “Is that my stuff?” He pointed at the duffle bag slung across Guy’s shoulder. He knew it was a jerk thing to do to cut off all his friends and family while he was holed up in his apartment, but he just couldn’t face anyone. He knew Guy understood that, and was only concerned about him, but it wasn’t like he needed Natalie to babysit him.

Guy handed over the bag with a shake of his head. “I used my best judgment on what you might need since you were not texting me back. I can go back if you need anything else.”

“No, I can go,” Vance argued. He couldn’t avoid his apartment forever.

“I noticed the apartment was…” Guy frowned slightly. “Less full?”

The patter of bare feet on hardwood brought Natalie a few feet closer. “That was my fault,” she said quickly. “I moved Stephanie’s stuff to the office because…” She glanced over at Vance, biting her lip as she seemed suddenly unsure about what to say.

Not wanting Guy to judge Natalie, he stepped in and said, “I was having a hard time being around Steph’s stuff, so while I was passed out on the couch, Natalie boxed it up until I was ready to deal with it because she thought it might not be good for me to live on my couch in the same clothes for weeks on end.”

It seemed more ridiculous than it felt when he said it out loud, but Guy only nodded. He understood. He had dealt with his own grief, especially when a patient and close friend took her own life the year before, but he knew the stages and types of grieving as well from years of schooling. Even still, he seemed somewhat unsure. “But now you are staying here?”

“I’m just not ready to go back,” Vance said tersely. A quick glance at Natalie showed her expression confused, worried, and maybe just a little bit glad. Avoiding her gaze, he turned back to Guy. “Thank you for bringing everything, and I promise not to go dark on you again, okay?”

It was a clear invitation to go away. Vance knew he was being a prick, but he didn’t want to deal with Guy’s questions yet and Natalie’s eyes seemed to be boring a hole in the back of his head. Yes, he felt miles better than he had before calling Natalie for lunch, but there was still an entire continent to cross before he felt like he’d be back to normal.

“I’ll call you later, okay?” Vance begged.

Frowning, Guy nodded. “There are things we should discuss, yes? I will expect your call this evening, or I can call you once Warren is put to bed.”

“Fine,” Vance said, just wanting him to go.

Guy said his goodbyes and started on his way back down the hallway. Closing the door, Vance dropped the bag to the side of the door, but couldn’t make himself look at Natalie. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she was thinking.

“How does chicken vino sound?” Natalie asked. “I’m starving, and I assume you didn’t eat lunch either, but if you’d rather have something else I can see what I have in the pantry.”

The bizarreness of her words pulled his head up. He stared at her in shock. “What?”

“Is that your usual answer to a dinner suggestion?” The corner of her mouth hinted at a teasing smile, but nerves kept it from fully revealing itself.

“You’re not going to say anything about this?” Vance jabbed a finger in the direction of the duffle bag.

Natalie shrugged. “You’re not ready to go home, and I know part of the reason is that you’re worried about my safety. I get it, Vance. I really do.” She folded her arms across her middle. “It took me by surprise, but…”

She looked down at her toes, distracting herself by scrunching them against the cold floor.

“But what?” Vance all but demanded.

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she held on tight as she forced herself to look up at him. One long, slow breath delayed her answer even further. Finally, she released her lip and said, “I didn’t want you to leave anyway.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” Vance said quickly, desperately. Despite falling asleep with her earlier, he wanted to make sure she knew he had no delusions about it happening again. He was shocked she had agreed so easily, but feared she’d wise up at any second and tell him to go home. What he was asking of her was ridiculous. He knew that even though it hadn’t stopped him from asking.

Natalie’s head shook so slightly, he almost missed it. “No.”

That was all she said. At first, Vance couldn’t figure out whether she
had
changed her mind and was telling him to go away, or if she really meant what he thought she meant. Finally, he had to ask. “No what?”

“It would honestly freak me out more to have you in a separate room than…than with me,” Natalie said quickly. “Because of the noise, and I mean, well, it’s not that…bad. It’s good, I mean, having you there. In bed. My bed. Sleeping. On your side. I mean, the other side. It’s comforting…strangely enough.”

Vance couldn’t have been more blown away if Spider-Man had suddenly flung himself through the window and carried Natalie off. “You’re serious?”

She bit her lip again, hard. It took a second, but her head nodded sharply twice.

What had just happened? It was too weird to even process. His brain struck out to find something easier to deal with. “Chicken vino, sure. Sounds great. I’m going to take a shower, okay?”

It was Natalie’s turn to be stunned. Her expression crinkled for a moment at his change in direction, but she mumbled, “Yeah, sure,” and Vance took that as his exit cue.

It took him a few tries before finding the guest bathroom. He had seen the door to the master bath when putting Natalie in bed, but he was already too freaked out by the situation to even think of stepping into such a personal space. As agitated as he was, he expected to be in and out of the shower quickly, but as soon as the warm water began cascading down his back he felt the tension in his body slowly begin to release.

As he stood under the hot water not actually doing anything, his mind struggled to figure a few things out. Something had happened to him in the last twenty-four hours and he wasn’t entirely sure what it was. Natalie was at the epicenter of the change. Part of it was him as well, though. And Stephanie.

Vance still harbored an enormous amount of guilt over Stephanie’s death. That certainly hadn’t changed. Natalie’s acceptance and understanding of his guilt, attempt at self-destruction, and confusion had helped calm his chaotic emotions and thoughts and made him realize that while he was still guilt-ridden over Stephanie’s death, he was also still very angry with her.

What she had done hurt him deeply. The night it happened, he had been too choked by everything to process the bigger picture. He’d been upset and shocked when he thought Steph had left him. Realizing the truth had shifted his whole mindset, but he realized now that as much as he had loved Stephanie, what had happened was something they would never have been able to overcome. She had cut him too deeply for things to go back to what they had been before.

Maybe that subconscious realization was what had freed him. He looked at Natalie differently now. Part of the change in the way he saw her had to do with the change in their relationship, but not all of it. The moment he had looked at her and seen her as a woman and not just someone in need of help had scared him, but it excited him as well. Listening to her story, wanting so badly to pull her into his arms, that faint sense of attraction had only increased.

Part of him was screaming that it was too soon, inappropriate on more than one level. He knew that loud, obnoxious voice was his own, and it was right, but what if he ignored it?

That brought on a whole other set of concerns as Vance finally started washing himself. He was attracted to Natalie. And then what? He couldn’t touch her. He couldn’t really
be
with her. Maybe that was okay, though? It wasn’t like Vance needed or even wanted to jump into another physical relationship so soon. He had been with Stephanie for so long, he didn’t even know what it would feel like to be alone again. Maybe that was what he really needed. Perhaps with Natalie’s fears, close friends was all they would ever be and his attraction to her would change over time. It might only have been a product of his screwed up state of mind anyway.

The truth of the matter was, Vance thought as he began toweling off, he needed Natalie right now and she needed him. The rest would all have to be figured out later. That, he was pretty sure, he could deal with.

Feeling significantly calmer, Vance dug out fresh clothes from the duffle bag and set to work making himself look like he hadn’t spent the last several weeks drinking and lying on the couch. He was making fairly good progress on turning himself back into a human until he realized Guy hadn’t brought him his electric razor, but a beard trimmer he had never even used. Normally clean shaven, Vance scrubbed at the itchy growth on his face. The trimmer would have to do, and when he finished, he actually thought it didn’t look too bad. Stephanie would have hated it, but it was his choice now and he actually kind of liked it. It wouldn’t be so bad once it stopped itching, anyway.

Unsure of what to do with his bag, he set it just inside the master bedroom door and continued on to the kitchen. The noise of his sock-clad feet shuffling across the floor startled Natalie into dropping the serving spoon she’d been stirring some sort of sauce with. Hands pressed to her chest, she watched as Gypsy dove for the spoon and started licking as fast as she could.

“Sorry,” Vance said. “I should have thought about the fact that I’d probably scare you if I didn’t announce myself. I know you’re not used to having people here with you.”

“It’s fine,” she said after taking a deep breath. Shaking her head, she wrestled the spoon from Gypsy and dropped it in the sink before grabbing a new one. “I’m the one who should be apologizing.”