The Other F-Word (34 page)

“I’m sure her mom will be there. A mother always protects her daughter, no matter what. Are you going to go?”

“I don’t want to, but I think I have to.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“My mother and Derek said they would come and support me.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. If you don’t want me there, that’s fine. If on some level, you think my presence will help you, then tell me because I will be there for you too.”

He slammed his head back against the seat. “It’ll be strange for you. I’ll be talking about her and how much she meant to me. I can’t ask you to witness that.”

I took his hand, slowly unclenching his fingers, and held it. “Damien, the fact that you loved your wife and child just makes you more remarkable to me. I would never disrespect that with petty feelings. If it helps you in any way for me to be there, then tell me.”

He slid his arm around me, pulling me against his chest. “I want you there. I know it’s not normal, but you comfort and calm me like no one else. You give me strength.”

I slid my pinky into his. “Whoever said we were normal?”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The prison was a formidable building, spanning eight city blocks, each wall an impenetrable force designed to keep its inhabitants locked away and society safe from them.

Damien appeared stoic and brave, passing through the security checkpoints with ease. Derek was a carbon copy of his brother, walking beside him in silent support. Damien’s mother and I were less so, as we glanced nervously at all the guards with guns.

We finally made it into a cramped room with a conference table much too large for the space, making everything so confined it felt like we’d become imprisoned. Damien held a chair out for me, gesturing me to sit. He did the same for his mother, taking the middle seat for himself. Derek sat behind us in one of the foldout metal chairs that had been set up. I squeezed Damien’s hand, wishing I had the right words for what he was about to do.

His face registered shock when an elderly woman dressed in black slacks and a simple blue sweater walked in. We’d been instructed not to wear jewellery or showy clothes, but she managed to wear her wealth all the same, like a permanent accessory.

“I can’t believe she came,” Angela whispered.

It was apparent from the look on his face that Damien hadn’t been expecting it either.

Damien and her nodded towards each other, but no words were spoken because the prisoner was brought in, turning all our attention to him

Earl Shultz was a small man with a wide face and sour disposition. He didn’t look in our direction. He didn’t meet Damien’s glare. I think the idea behind the victim’s families attending was about more than eliciting an opinion. It was supposed to be cathartic, yet there was something cruel about it. The business meeting climate covered the devastation that a young girl and her baby had died. The lawyers and parole board went through the charges as if the reason for it wasn’t clear. Of course, these were all necessary steps to the judicial process, but hearing Damien’s grief diminished my belief in the system. I held his hand, wishing there was more I could do or say to take his pain away.

It was Mary Kearns, Annabelle’s mother, who spoke first. She took out a folded piece of paper, and read from it, occasionally glancing up at Earl Shultz who never once met her eyes. Her words were saturated with an innate sadness and anger that was palpable.

“Mr Shultz, I know you’re here for manslaughter and drunk-driving offences, but I believe there is one charge you were never convicted of. First and foremost, you are a thief.” She swallowed hard, and Angela passed her one of the several boxes of tissues on the table. “My daughter and I never saw eye to eye. She thought I was pretentious and vain. I thought she was a dreamer and her romantic ideologies were going to ruin her life. We had a falling out when she left my house. She thought it was because I didn’t love her. On the contrary”—she squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath—“I loved her so much I just wanted her happiness. Little did I know that my Annabelle was stronger than I ever gave her credit for. The realisation doesn’t take away my own heartache that I never made amends with her. You stole that from me, sir. You stole my chance to be in my daughter’s life…and my granddaughter’s.”

The thing about mothers is that we all belong to some sort of club…we automatically have a bond because we know what it is to love a child. Hearing another mother’s sorrow, no matter if she was friend or stranger, hurt my heart. It took my mind to places I didn’t want to go. If I lost one of my girls, I don’t know what I would do. A child should never pass before a parent—it’s not natural or right.

I blinked, feeling my eyes cloud with salty tears. Damien squeezed my hand tighter and handed me a tissue. Oh my God, I was supposed to be supporting him, and the man was trying to comfort me. I willed myself to stop crying and remember the reason I came. For him.

She cleared her throat before continuing, “Every day is filled with those regrets for me. I’d like to specifically talk about the days you stole from me. The Christmas ornaments she made when she was little now stay in the box. I don’t even buy a tree anymore. Her birthday is a day of misery. There will never be cake or balloons again. She loved Halloween and so did I. I could have sewn a costume for my granddaughter. I’m a very good seamstress, but instead I can’t even pass out candy. You took those days from me. Those are memories that will never happen because you decided to get in your car that day. I appeal to you,” she said to the parole board members. “Let him serve his full sentence, let him rot to death in here, because there is no kind of retribution that is enough. Take all the days from him you can.”

Damien took a sip of his water. He took out the sheet of paper he’d brought with him. The one he’d read to me last night. His hands were shaking. I stilled them with mine, before unfolding the paper and laying it flat on the table. He looked up at Earl Shultz, who stared at his cuffed hands. Damien stared back but didn’t speak for a long time.

“Take your time,” one of the board members said. “We know this is difficult.”

It seemed an understatement.

“I intend to.” Damien’s voice was cold and emotional at the same time. Damien stared at Earl Shultz, his facial expressions ranging from hot anger to cold disdain. He straightened in his chair, clearing his throat, regaining his composure.

“Look at me,” he finally said, in a cold, quiet voice, which yielded command.

The man looked him.

Damien stared down at the paper he’d spent hours composing. He crumpled it up in his hands. He reached into the inside pocket of his suit, taking out a photo of a beautiful blonde woman in a pink sundress. “This is Annabelle. Look at her,” he said, pointing to the photo.

Earl glanced at the photo before turning away.

“And this is Sarah,” Damien said, taking out an ultrasound photo. “These were my girls. I loved Annabelle, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. She was shy and quiet, but she cared about people in a way that isn’t common. For example, if she noticed you stumbling out of that bar, she would have insisted on calling you a cab. That’s the kind of person she was.” He picked up the ultrasound photo, holding it up. Damien slammed his fist on the table causing all of us to jerk.

“
Look
!”

Earl Shultz did.

“This is Sarah. I never met her. I wonder what kind of kid she would be. Would she have been a girly-girl? A tomboy? The only thing I know for sure is that she would have been a daddy’s girl because I would have spoilt her. The fact is, I’ll never know who she would have become because of you. She would be six years old right now. I should be teaching her the right way to kick a soccer ball and taking her to kindergarten, but instead I’m here with you. I thought real hard about forgiveness, and God knows, I tried to find it, but I’m not there and I don’t know if I’ll ever be. It’s ironic, because Annabelle would tell me to forgive you, but I’m not as strong as her. I don’t want them to release you, but that’s not my call, is it? It’s up to these gentlemen, and frankly I’m glad, because a decision like that is above my pay grade. I didn’t come here to weigh in on your future or talk about the past. I wanted you to know who they were…to me. I want you to take a close look at these photos and burn the images into your skull. Whether you’re here in a tiny cell or out there as a free man, I hope you wake up every morning thinking about the decision you made that day.” His voice choked then, and I grasped his hand tighter. He took a deep breath. “Think about my beautiful wife, and my baby, who never had a chance at this life, and all the tomorrows that will never be because of you.”

I bit my lip to keep it from quivering. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears locked inside. Damien was the strongest man I knew. Not because he could speak those words with such clarity, but because he didn’t reach across the table and kill Earl Shultz.

When it was Earl’s turn to speak, he responded with one sentence before he broke down and wept. “I’m sorry.”

The parole board was set to make its decision in a week. I took a deep breath as soon as we made it outside, letting the clean air fill my lungs, trying to dispel the stink of that stuffy room.

Damien pulled me aside. “Are you okay, Jessie?”

He was asking me if I was all right? “Damien, I was going to ask you the same thing. What you did was very brave.”

“I don’t know about that. It’s just what I had to do.” He tilted my chin towards him. “We may not be together, but I was thinking if things were in reverse, I would have a hard time hearing you talk about someone you love like that.”

I covered his mouth. “Don’t ever apologise for how much you loved her. It just reinforces what a good man you are.”

“Thank you for coming with me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did more than you can ever know. You give me strength, Jessie.” He walked towards Derek and his mother then. I took advantage of the few minutes of reprieve to get a hold of myself. In that moment, I’d give him anything he wanted. I’d raise children with him. We’d make a family. But in the end, I couldn’t make a decision like that based on the rapid emotions I was feeling.

“I’m proud of you, son,” Angela said.

“I don’t think I accomplished anything.”

“You did. You gave her a voice. You gave them both a voice,” she said. She was right. That’s exactly what he’d done.

We said our goodbyes to Derek, who had to leave right away.

“Thanks for coming,” Damien said, embracing his brother.

“You know you can count on me. I loved her too, bro.”

We started walking towards the parking lot, but Mary Kearns stopped us when she called Damien’s name. She asked for a word in private. They walked off to a nearby bench. It was cold outside, but not unbearable.

Angela took my hand. “It’s good to see you again, although I wish it was under different circumstances.”

“Me too. It isn’t fair that Damien had to go through that. I’m just happy it’s over.”

She frowned, shaking her head. “He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“It’s likely Earl Shultz will be up for parole every year from now on, which means my son will have to make this choice many more times.”

My heart broke for him. Every time he healed, a part of him would break again, like rubbing salt in an open wound. “I didn’t know.”

“I’m glad he had your support today.”

“It was nothing.”

“It was definitely something. I should be angry with you because you didn’t heed my warning, but I find it difficult under the circumstances.”

“What warning?”

“I told you not to break his heart.”

“That was not my intention. I love Damien, but I can’t give him what he wants. He broke up with me and I let him go because of those things. You suggested we talk about our future and we did. That’s why you brought it up, because you could see the thing we couldn’t, right?”

“That’s right. But there was no malice in it.”

“I know that. I would have done the same thing in your situation. I wish I could give him everything he wanted. Everything he never had. I can’t, but I know if any man deserved it, it’s Damien, so I gave him permission to let me go.”

“He told me. That’s why I think you’re very special.” Her statement surprised me.

“You’re happy we’re not together?”

“Not at all. He loves you the way a man is supposed to love a woman, like she is part of his body and soul. Do you love him that way?”

“Yes.”

“That’s why I’m not angry with you. That’s one of the biggest sacrifices someone can make isn’t it? To love someone and be able to let them go for the sake of their own happiness?”

“It was the only choice.”

“I understand why you think that, but the result is that you’re both miserable. My son loves you and you love him. Getting married and creating a family are natural progressions of that love. What are your fears, dear?”

“I’m done with that part of my life. I made that decision years before I met Damien.”

“And even his feelings for you can’t change your mind?”

“I wish it could.”

“Thank you for being honest with me. Are you really being truthful with yourself?”

I never answered the question because Damien came back then, putting his arm around my waist.

“Everything okay?” He stared between his mother and I.

“Fine,” Angela answered. “What did Mary say to you?”

He smiled weakly. “She apologised to me. She said I was always a good husband to Annabelle and she knows I would have been a great father. I thanked her and told her I wished she’d had the opportunity to make amends. She asked me to lunch next week.”

“That’s nice, dear.” Angela smiled at both of us then hugged us. “I’d better get going.”

“I’m giving you a ride home, Ma.”

“I’m going to visit a friend on this side of town. I’ll catch a cab back. Call me later.”

Before he could reply, she walked off, remarkably fast. Damien didn’t say anything. I was positive she wanted to give us time alone. Silence followed us the whole ride home. Sometimes silence was more comfortable than sound. This was one of those times.