The Other F-Word (35 page)

He walked me to my door. “Thanks again.”

“I wish I could have done more.”

He placed his finger under my chin, lifting it. “Don’t do that. Don’t make it sound like a small thing. I will always be grateful for what you did for me.”

“I guess this is goodbye.”

“Seems like we’re always saying goodbye these days.”

He kissed my forehead, but it wasn’t enough for me so I wrapped my arms around him. I hugged him as tightly as I could. This was the last goodbye and I had to make it last.

I walked into the house and sat in my almost bare living room. That was when all the tears flowed freely. All the ones I’d been holding in during the hearing. My heart ached for him. For Annabelle. For Sarah. For Mary, too.

It broke and died right in my chest.

Chapter Thirty

The days that followed kept me busy with showings for the house. I hadn’t expected to get many in the winter, but the market had picked up. I ran every morning. Not at the Wilston hotel as Damien and I had done so often, but through my neighbourhood, saying goodbye to all the things I would miss. I’d had two low-ball offers so far. I could have taken them—I didn’t have a mortgage and the profits would have met my goals. In the end, I declined both. I told myself it was worth more than that, but in reality, I wasn’t ready to give it up.

The showings also provided me an opportunity to visit with everyone. I had to be gone so I usually went to Kate’s house. Sometimes I went over to Stevie and Adam’s, or Dillon’s apartment. Today, I decided to stop by and visit Marley and Rick. We hadn’t had dinner in a while because the table was too small to fit all of us, and everyone was so busy with the holidays coming. Stevie and Adam were hosting this year. I was throwing the gauntlet to my daughter and she was running with it. It was the way things were supposed to be.

Marley opened the door before I’d even knocked. Bobby’s cry sounding off behind her gave clear evidence for her exasperation.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, pulling me into the house. “I was just running out, but I think we need your help.”

“Why is Bobby here?”

“Rick and I are babysitting.”

I looked on the couch where Rick sat with Bobby in his arms, trying to comfort him. Was there anything more endearing than a man holding a child? Even a screaming one?

“He’s not doing well.”

“I can see that.”

“I need to go get him a new pacifier and some other things.”

“Stevie and Adam didn’t pack him one?” Stevie was hyper-organised, especially when it came to Bobby.

“She did, but he dropped it on the floor.”

“So what did you do with it?” I inquired.

Marley looked at me as if I’d asked a dumb question. “We threw it away of course. I’m not going to let him have something that’s been on the floor.”

Oh boy, these two had so much to learn.

“Sweetheart, you could have just washed it in hot water,” I said.

“That’s what I suggested,” Rick added, cradling Bobby awkwardly.

She pursed her lips, looking at Bobby tenderly. “I wasn’t going to chance it.” Marley never admitted it, but she was a major germaphobe.

She kissed Rick on the cheek and Bobby on the forehead.

“You sure you don’t want me to go?” Rick asked.

It was clear they both needed a break from Bobby’s wailing.

“No, you stay here and bond with our godson.”

We all winced when Bobby’s cry turned into a wail. Marley rushed out, leaving us.

“May I?” I offered, holding out my arms.

“Be my guest,” he said, handing me the baby.

I sat in the spiderback chair opposite Rick, setting Bobby against my chest. I hummed a soft lullaby and swayed rhythmically to calm him.

“Why didn’t Stevie and Adam ask me to babysit? I was free today.”

Rick leant back in his chair, obviously worn out by the baby. “I volunteered us for the job. I thought it might help Marley come around a little faster. She’s open to the idea of having children, but she has so many reservations. I thought this would help.”

“Rick, you know Bobby’s teething right now. This is probably the worst time to conduct such an experiment.”

“Yeah, I figured that out real fast.” He tilted his head. “Listen to that.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he sighed with a smile, gesturing to Bobby, who had fallen asleep in my arms. “How did you do that?”

“Years of practice,” I whispered.

“You must have the magic touch because we’ve been trying all morning.”

“You’ll get there when you have your own. Trust me.”

“Hopefully, my wife will share that opinion.”

“How is she sleeping these days?” I tried to keep calm waiting for his answer. Babies were like sponges for emotion—whatever you were feeling they picked up on.

He smiled. “She’s doing really well. She still has terrors, but they’re infrequent. When she does, we deal with it.”

“I’m so happy for you both.”

“She’s been telling me a lot of her childhood stories.”

This time I did tense and it stirred Bobby, but I cooed him back to sleep before he started crying again. Marley had shared the gruesome details of her molestation with Rick, and I’d wanted her to, because it was the only way to heal. At the same time, I found myself an emotional wreck every time the subject came up. It was my fault. I should have known. A mother should always know.

“Not that,” he said, waving his hand in a gesture of comfort. “No, I’m talking about the little things. The ketchup and saltine sandwiches.”

If Bobby hadn’t been in my arms, I’d have buried my face in my hands. “Oh, God, she told you about that?”

He nodded. “She still eats them, you know. You’d think they were a delicacy. She also told me about when the jeans passed down the ranks, and how you added patches and ribbons so that each girl thought she was getting a new pair and not a hand-me-down. She told me how you sat on the hill over the drive-in and made up the words to the movies. I can read between the lines.”

“Yes, I think it’s apparent we were very poor. I’m going to lay him down,” I said, taking Bobby to the playpen.

“I’ll get us coffee,” Rick offered, walking into the kitchen.

He brought out two cups and his said ‘World’s Best Husband’ on it. It made me smile because I could remember when Marley had purchased it. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. If this is too painful—”

I held my hand up. “You’re part of this family. Even though you were not part of those memories, they belong to you just the same.” I noticed the light colouring in the coffee and looked up at him.

“Marley’s loves almond milk. That’s what I put in yours. Is that okay?” He was such a thoughtful man.

“It’s perfect. Thank you.”

“The reason I bring them up is because they were actually good memories to her. To hear Marley reminisce, you’d think she was a Kardashian or a Hilton. It’s because she shared them with me that I can clearly see something she doesn’t.”

“What’s that, Rick?”

He swallowed. “She’s going to be a kick ass mom, because she had such a great example.”

“You’re very kind, but we both know I don’t deserve any accolades. I failed her when she needed my protection the most.”

He was quiet for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. “Marley stopped going to therapy when she was fifteen.” It wasn’t a question. He knew the answer.

“We tried to get her to talk to someone, but she never said very much. We changed therapists frequently, but it didn’t help either.”

“She started going again. I don’t think she would mind if I told you.”

“I already knew.”

“Yes, but you probably don’t know I go with her at least once a week for a joint session. It’s helped her. It’s helped both of us.”

That I hadn’t known. “I think it’s a very smart idea. It’s clear how much you care for my daughter, Rick. She’s very lucky to have you.”

“I could say the same thing about her. And all of you who have welcomed me. But that’s not my point here.”

“What is your point?”

“Marley made a breakthrough when she forgave herself.”

“She has nothing to feel guilty about. That man took away her innocence. If anything she should blame me.”

“But she doesn’t. We both know Marley has an amazing ability to hide things from people.”

“Why would she need to forgive herself? It doesn’t make sense.”

He shook his head and sighed. “For not fighting back. For not telling you. She thought in some ways, she encouraged it.”

“That’s ridiculous!” I said, almost dropping my cup. Thank goodness Bobby wasn’t in my arms anymore.

“I completely agree, but I realise now that it’s what she needed to do to move on. She still has nightmares. We never thought this would be easy. We both agree we’re in it for the long haul. She loves me a great deal and I…I worship her. That’s our pact.”

“I know you do. If it helped her then I’m glad she forgave herself. I want her to do whatever she needs to so she won’t suffer any more than she has.” Damn…I was crying. I didn’t want to, but the tears wouldn’t obey my silent commands to remain locked up.

He handed me a tissue. “I believe that forgiving herself helped her more than anything. Maybe it’s time you did the same thing.”

I was so happy Rick was in our family. Marley had found someone who had the patience of a saint and the protective streak of a lion. She walked in then, saying something about traffic, but halted in mid-sentence when she looked between us.

“What the hell, Rick. When I left the baby was bawling and now my mom is. What did you say to her?” she demanded.

“Marley, he was helping me. Everything is fine, sweetie.”

“Why are you crying then?”

“They’re good tears.”

“Tears of joy?”

“Tears of forgiveness. I have to go,” I said, walking over to Bobby to make sure the blanket was covering him.

“Where are you going?” Rick asked.

“To find a ‘World’s Best Son-in-Law’ mug for you.”

He laughed. “Adam’s going to be jealous.”

“I’ll just have to buy two then.”

“What about Bobby? Aren’t you going to stay and help us?”

I hugged Rick then my daughter. “You don’t need me. You only need each other. You’re more than capable.”

Chapter Thirty-One

I dreamed a great deal. They were more visions of things than actual dreams. I saw Damien and I raising a family. I was weeding a vegetable garden and he was teaching our children how to throw a ball or use a hammer. There were sleepless nights when they were babies, but we’d both smile at each other, holding them in our arms. As they got older, they’d groan when we kissed in front of them, not that we cared. We went to parent-teacher conferences and band concerts. We walked with their little hands in ours, trick-or-treating around the neighbourhood. We went to the beach and museums. We were a family. I loved the dreams. In fact, I began looking forward to sleep more than ever.

I sold the house. I received a full price offer, so there was no choice. It was more bitter than sweet. I walked into the title company for the closing, picturing the buyers as a young couple with maybe a child or two. I imagined telling them about how special the house was. How much our family had loved it. How we’d had laughter and tears in these rooms, but there was always joy. I needed to pass the gauntlet and wish them well on their new journey within the walls that held my most treasured memories. Instead, there was only a lawyer, representing a company who had made the offer.

It was sad selling the house so anonymously to Wolgar LLC. The thing that had meant so much to me had become a hasty business transaction. Not everything had to have a perfect conclusion, but an ending is inevitable, so I signed all the papers, feeling my wrist cramp as I scrawled my signature on every one. When I’d purchased the house, I’d been nervous, as though I might be signing my life away. It was nothing compared to letting it go.

The family knew it was hard for me. Families always know. So the idea for a farewell dinner sprang into action. Billie came home with a healed wrist and happy smile. The boys went to storage and got out our old table. The Christmas tree was set up with all the old, somewhat broken ornaments the girls had made over the years. The ceilings were strung with glowing paper lanterns and balloons etched with birthday wishes, even though it was no one’s birthday. It was early November, so finding jack-o’-lanterns was easy, and Dillon carved them all with such intricate designs we lamented that they would have to be thrown out soon. Billie arranged all the Easter baskets and had even dyed eggs. I thought we’d celebrate every holiday in this house…one more time. The best part for me was my girls helping me in the kitchen. We laughed, joked and sang as we prepared a feast fit for a royal court.

“What else can I do, Mom?” Marley asked.

I stroked her hair. “Go pick the music.”

“This doesn’t feel much like a celebration,” she said.

“Marley, it’s time. This house is too big for me. It’s silly for me to keep living here.”

“Why didn’t you take Rick up on his offer to buy the house from you, or pay for Billie’s tuition?”

“First off, you know I am way too proud to accept something like that. It would feel wrong to me, but secondly, selling the house wasn’t just a financial decision. It was time to move on. My family has grown and moved out. I need to do the same.”

“Fine, but why don’t you reconsider moving in with Rick and I? We have plenty of room.”

“I already paid my deposit on the apartment.” I cupped her chin like I used to when she was little. “You remember what you said to Stevie when she wanted to move Adam in here with us after they got married?”

“I said she needed to have her own place with her husband. They needed privacy so they could create their lives together. You’re not being fair, using my words against me. This is different.”

“Whoever said mothers are fair? This is not so different, little bird. It was as good advice then as it is now. You and Rick need time alone. Now go pick something really good, because it doesn’t matter where we live, we will always have music in our lives and each other to count on. That’s what’s important.” I wiped away her tear. “Stop it,” I chided. “This is a happy day. A new beginning.”