The Outcast Ones (13 page)

“No, I haven’t. But have you ever seen a film?” I answer in the same contemptuous tone.

“No, but I don’t want to. I dream, and that’s enough.”

I see how right the twins were about him. Finn wants to be the best at everything. Unkind, and so full of himself. “You think you’re so great! War happens because of people like you,” I accuse him, and I mean it. Why did I worry about hurting him? He would hurt me if he was allowed. It wouldn’t bother him in the slightest if I fell down dead.

“It happens because of people like you, who think they’re so much better!” His voice is raised and sparks fly from his eyes.

I can’t believe it. I laugh at him. For him to be the one to say that! Who’s the one who thinks he’s better than everyone?

“Children! What have you got into now?” It’s Marie, feeling her way along the passage with her cane.

“You can ask our prisoner about that, if she doesn’t lie to you,” growls Finn, and shoves past Marie.
Idiot!

After breakfast, Finn appears before me again. There’s a sort of net over his shoulders. “I have to walk the border. You’re going with me.” His face is almost completely hidden in the shadow of his cap, but my mind’s eye shows me his hateful expression just the same.

“How about asking politely for a change?” Florence asks, although she doesn’t look hopeful that Finn would follow her advice.

“How about not butting in? She’s got her own mouth. If I was her, I’d be embarrassed at you mothering her and speaking for her all the time.” Finn is his usual contemptuous self.

His words have an instant effect—I do feel ashamed that Florence protects me all the time. At the same time, I’m annoyed that he’s talking about me as if I wasn’t right here.

Florence doesn’t answer him this time either, but glares at him with crossed arms.

“Aren’t you scared I’ll run away from you?” I stand up. I’m almost as tall as Finn.

“What else would we do with you? You can’t cook, you cut yourself in the garden, and you’re too slow to hunt. If you run, I’ll catch you. I’m faster than you.”

I pass him on my way to the door, grinning, and I can’t resist one last comment. “Only in your dreams.”

Finn rages and blusters and prepares to object, but Florence laughs heartily. “That’s what you get, Finn,” she snorts, and holds onto her stomach.

The sun beats down on my bare arms and I’m regretting not bringing a jacket. Although Iris put cream on me again this morning, my burned skin is starting to peel. But when I wipe the sweat from my brow, I’m happy I’m not wearing extra clothes. My whole back is wet and the jeans are sticking to my legs while my feet perspire inside my boots. The stink of my own sweat pervades my nose and I can only hope that Finn hasn’t noticed it.

He’s “very talkative” today—not a word since we left the caves. We’re going cross-country through the red desert, between markings that only Finn knows. It’s a mystery to me. I don’t know what he’s doing, and if he abandons me here I couldn’t find either the caves or the safety zone. I’d probably die of thirst.

Finn has a canteen with water, but he’d rather shoot himself than offer me any. I’m too proud to ask him for water. I wish Florence were here to ask it for me.

Now he kneels down and gropes along the ground. I watch, baffled, not understanding what he’s doing, what he’s looking for.

“Crap!” He crawls about on the ground. When he doesn’t find what he’s after, he stands up and looks at me hesitantly. “You go first!”

His change of mind is odd to me. “I don’t even know where I’m going.”

“Just straight ahead, you can manage that.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so, dammit!” He grabs my arms and shoves me ahead of him. His touch burns my shoulders and I cry out.

He snaps at me. “What is it now?” He tears his hands away as if I burned him.

“You hurt me!” I wail, and try to loosen my sore arms and shoulders.

He gulps. Pause. Then, “Don’t make such a fuss.”

There are tears in my eyes. It’s just too much. Sunburn, heat, my mouth dry as the desert, and now he’s being mean again too.

When he sees my tears, he flinches back. I guess he’s not going to apologise. “Would you keep going, please?”

He said please! That’s almost sorry. No use resisting him any longer, so I do as he says and walk ahead.

Then, suddenly, the ground falls away under my feet and I walk on air for a split second. I land hard on an uneven floor. When I lift my head, I can smell Finn’s unique scent of pine and moss. His wavy hair is in my face, but then he shoves me off him. My shoulder hits a rock and I scream in pain. Now I’m really crying.

“Stupid cow!” he hisses at me, gripping his own elbow.

My gaze slides up along the walls. We’ve fallen into a hole several metres deep—so narrow that I can’t move away from Finn. Even though I sit against the wall farthest from him, our legs still touch. I remember he was searching along the ground and then suddenly wanted me to go ahead. Is this why? Did he want me to fall in the hole? I guess he didn’t mean to fall in himself.

“This is your hole!” He bites his teeth together so hard I hear his jaw clack.

“Did you want to leave me here to die of thirst?”

“Not really.”

“Then what?”

“These are traps we set for the Legion, in case they get the idea to come looking for us again.” He regards me steadily. “I suppose it worked, in a manner of speaking.”

I bite my tongue and don’t respond. What good would it do to fight with him? He hates me, and nothing can change that, no matter what I say. I pull my knees up close to me so I touch him as little as possible, and decide to let him handle this. He can figure out how to get himself—or both of us—out of here. He’s just as stuck as I am.

Just as I expect, Finn stands up after a short silence, and tries to climb out of the hole. His hands grip the red sandstone, but it breaks off every time. He falls back every time he tries to put his weight on his hands. I hold my hands over my head so I don’t get dust in my eyes.

I have to admit, Finn is right on one thing: surely there’s no one with more endurance. He doesn’t seem to care how often he falls. He must so despise the thought of being stuck here with me for one more minute—he’d rather break his fingers than ask me for advice or help. I guess it’s stubbornness.

After what feels like an hour he finally gives up and sinks down on the floor opposite me. His knee hits mine and makes me flinch, but he doesn’t care. Beads of sweat run down his forehead and sun-worn neck. I have this strange urge to wipe away the drops with my finger. I wouldn’t mind touching his warm skin again. It’s a very odd thing. Finn has never said a kind word to me, still I want to be close to him. No matter how much he scowls and grimaces, he can’t hide the fact that he’s a good-looking man. If he laughed more often, he’d easily be as pretty as Florence.

Finn notices I’m watching him. “What?” he growls, in his usual tone.

Quickly I shake my head and flap my hands. My cheeks glow hot.

It is quiet again. There’s no sound, not even from outside the hole. The quiet makes me nervous. I’d rather fight with Finn than be silent any longer.

“The others must be looking for us,” I begin.

Finn shakes his head. “I don’t think they’ll find us.”

“Why’s that?”

“The desert is so huge and everyone has their own area to monitor. Paul doesn’t know his way around my area, just like I don’t know his. We don’t have enough people to form proper guard units.”

Oddly, his voice is neither accusing or arrogant, just...honest. Maybe now that we’re stuck in this hole, he might give me some answers. “Is that why you kidnapped me and the others?”

“You think we just want you to become one of us?” He makes it sound stupid of me to even consider such a thing.

I shrug. “I don’t know what to think. No one tells me why I’m here or what you all expect of me.”

Finn’s eyes move across my face. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but he seems to find it, and sighs. “We need more people in the safety zone. Preferably someone who is a Legion commander.”

Baffled, I stare at him.

“How do you think we nabbed you in the first place? We’ve got informers in the Legion. D people, C people, even a few in the laboratories. Just no Legion commanders so far. We hear some things, but the really important information is kept from us.”

“I’m not a Legion commander. Neither is anyone else you kidnapped.”

“I know, but we had hoped that one of you would become one when you go back.”

“Go back? Paul said the Legion would shoot us on the spot.”

“True, they probably would. But maybe they’re just as interested in us as we are in them. There’s only one way for them to buy someone’s silence, if that someone has seen through their lies: they give that person power and make them one of their own.”

His answer shakes me. I don’t know what I expected, but not that. Suddenly I feel betrayed by Florence’s kindness. Basically I’m just an experiment for them. If they send me back, they accept that I might die. They’re only interested in the information I can give. Why did I ever think they liked me? I’ll never be one of them, just a robot from the Legion.

“And what happens if someone betrays you?” I could imagine doing that, especially knowing how little I mean to them.

“I ask that all the time too, but Gustav and the others are convinced you’re human.” For the first time it’s not some random person they want to send back, but me. So it’s been decided.

Instantly Finn seems to be a nicer person. He never deceived me, never pretended to like me.

“How long do I have to stay with you? How long does it take to get someone on your side?”

Finn notices the sudden sharpness in my words. His eyebrows go up. “Don’t you like it with us?”

“No!” My voice is cold. Why should I like it? I’ll never belong here, I’ll always be a leper. It’s better if I don’t like it, because then I’d have to live with losing it.

But Finn looks properly confused. He stammers a little before he answers. “Really? I—I thought...”

“Thought what?” Suddenly it’s me who’s angry at him. Looks like we’ve switched roles.

“Remember the night you ran away? You caught me spying into your cell.”

“Yeah, you always saw right through me,” I agree sadly. What is this? Is he rubbing my nose in the fact that I could have been at home long ago if he hadn’t caught me?

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t know you wanted to run away. I watched you because you fascinated me that night. You looked up at the stars like no one I’ve ever seen before. You were so amazed, there was so much wonder in your eyes. I thought you liked what you saw.”

I stop breathing. I can only stare at Finn. He’s right. That night, the stars above were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. The clouds and the rain had also impressed me like nothing in my life had ever done before. But I never expected Finn to see all that in me. Would never think that he’d see anything but an emotionless robot.

His leg brushes mine and I flinch as if he burned me. Goosebumps spread across my whole body and tickle my neck. My heart thumps, my mouth goes dry. What was I about to say? I can’t even remember what I was thinking.

Embarrassed, Finn looks away. Is he regretting what he told me? Is he ashamed that he saw something in me that’s not a monster?

“In the safety zone there are no stars. No storms, not even the sun or moon. The light panels regulate our day and night,” I force out.

There’s something like regret on his face. “Isn’t that awful?”

I shake my head. “Not if you don’t know anything else.”

He nods as if he understands, then goes on. “My parents fled the safety zone before I was born. They couldn’t stand the thought of losing me.”

“Your mother was pregnant when they got out?”

“Yes, they were lucky the rebels found them so quickly.”

“How did your mother know who your father was?”

He looks confused. I guess he doesn’t know anything about the Legion’s mating rites. I’m sure it’s better if it stays that way.

“She never had anyone else,” he explains. Oh, Finn, if only you knew.

“I don’t know my parents.”

“I lost mine last year. The Legion attacked and murdered them, the same as Grace’s husband—Emily’s father.”

“I’m really sorry, Finn.” I mean what I say, although I’m sure he doesn’t believe a word of it. If I could, I’d even give him back his parents, then maybe he wouldn’t hate me quite so much.

“It’s hard to tell the difference between you people from the safety zone, because you all look the same.”

“That is for our own protection, so that no one can ever envy anything.”

“It makes robots out of you.”

“I was actually quite happy to look like everyone else.”

I see he wants to say something, but thought better of it. Instead, he reaches for his backpack, pulls out the canteen, and takes a short sip. He sets it down and looks at me thoughtfully. “I can never forgive or forget what the Legion did to me and my parents.”

“No one would expect anything different.”

“And you’re one of them. I know you didn’t cause their deaths, but whenever I look at you, I’m forced to think of it, and it makes me so damn angry.”

I nod, although I wish it wasn’t so. If someone took away everything I cared for, I would probably hate anyone associated with them, too. Anyone who watched without doing anything. It doesn’t matter that I have no idea about many of the things the Legion does. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know if I even want to belong to the Legion any more. At the moment, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Maybe with Iris, but she’s just a child, and she’s doing much better with the rebels than with the Legion. What could I ever offer her? I wouldn’t even be able to protect her.

“We won’t be friends, I won’t even like you—but maybe we can agree on a sort of truce, otherwise we won’t get out of here.”

That’s probably the best I can expect. It’s a small step in my direction, a step that would have been unthinkable even just this morning. “I don’t hold anything against you, Finn.”

“Good.” He hesitates, then passes the canteen over. “You can drink the rest, if you want.”