The Outcast Ones (23 page)

When the others have stopped watching us, Finn takes my hand and pulls me into the caves. He hands me a bag. “Get changed.”

I look inside it and freeze. It’s my old suit from the safety zone. In the dark, the brown almost looks black, but I recognise it from all the stains and rips. “You kept it?”

“I always knew you wouldn’t stay forever. It was never planned that way.”

Of course not. But it hurts to hear him say it again. Once more I feel the cold radiating from him. Although I’m going to do exactly what the rebels ask, I’ve had enough of other people planning my life for me and making all my decisions. No matter whether it’s Legion commanders or the rebels. If we’re honest, I never had a choice here either. They’d be so disappointed if I refused to go back to the safety zone. They keep saying I’m their only hope. How could I refuse?

Without a word I withdraw into another cave, although it’s so dark that Finn probably wouldn’t see me at all. Who knows if he’d even look?

Why are my old doubts coming back now of all times, just before I leave? Why does he have to treat me like a leper again, now of all times? As if I meant nothing to him. He’s ruining everything. I so wanted to have our dance as my last memory of him. Instead, now I’ll always have to think of his emotionless last words to me.

I can hardly fit in the skin-tight suit. It seems I’ve really put on some weight. Good thing the fabric is elastic, stretching more as I force myself inside. It almost feels like putting on a stranger’s skin.

Maybe I should forget about Cleo and just become D518 again. She never had her heart broken by a man. But my heart wildly resists that idea. Just the thought of forgetting Finn brings indescribable pain. In spite of my hurt feelings, I wouldn’t have missed being with him for anything. It was the best time of my life.

As I step into my boots, Finn’s white flower floats to the ground. I pick it up and spin it once more in my fingers. I’d like to take it with me, a souvenir like Iris said. Instead, I lay it on the bed. It’s Finn’s room.

Finn is already waiting in front of the caves with a lamp. He’s watching the others at the fire. Emily and Iris have both fallen asleep, leaning on Grace. Pep has disappeared, and Florence’s face is pressed against Paul. Her shoulders shake; she’s crying again. It’s time to go.

It’s a silent march through the red desert that has become my home. Finn’s pace is fast, as if he can hardly wait to get rid of me. He pulls me behind him like a prisoner. His skin isn’t pleasantly warm any more—it’s ice cold. He only stops when we reach the hills that hide the Legion’s brightly-lit glass building. I can already see the bluish glow. So that’s it then.

I look up at him and hope for a last sign of feeling. A tiny sign that I mean something to him, that I’m not without value. But he can’t even look me in the eyes. His mouth is clamped tightly closed and his fists are clenched. My throat constricts and tears well up in my eyes. I don’t want to go like this. It’s not right. I know there was something between us. Something special. Why can’t he show it?

I bite my lip to stop the crying. It’s useless. The tears already roll down my cheeks and I can’t do a thing about it. I sniff and wipe my eyes as if a grain of sand had flown into it.

“Please, take care of Iris.” My voice breaks. It’s all I can think to say to Finn.

He nods without looking at me. I can’t believe this is supposed to be the end. Any other farewell would have more feeling. Why’s he like this? I just don’t get it. I set one clumsy foot in front of the other and begin to climb the hill. I can feel Finn behind me—he’s not moving. As if turned to stone, he’s just standing there, quaking. He doesn’t lift his head, but doesn’t turn to go, either.

“Finn?“ No reaction. “Take care of yourself.”

I think I see a jolt run through his body, but that’s all, so I’ll be brave and walk on. Maybe it’s easier for him this way. I don’t want to make it harder for him than it has to be, even if it hurts me more. I would have liked a hug or at least a nice word or two. He once spoke of sharing a future with me. Empty words? Did all that mean nothing to him?

“Cleo?”

Hope sparks in me as I spin to face him. He stares at the ground. “I’m not a wanderer any more.”

I take a step towards him, but in that moment he raises his head and his tears glitter in the moonlight. My heart clenches.

“I was too dumb to realise that you were what I was looking for the whole time. Now that I’ve found you, I don’t want to let you go.”

Like magnets, we close the distance between us. I’m the one falling into his arms, but he’s the one clinging to me. He’s shaking all over and his tears mingle with mine. “Come back. I beg of you, come back,” he pleads in my ear. All I can do is nod. This is the farewell I wanted, even though it hurts.

We disentangle ourselves and our gazes lock one more time. I’ll never forget the storm in his eyes: wild and untamed like the sea.

“Don’t forget me.”

He shakes his head vehemently. “Never.”

With a heavy heart I turn. I’m ready to go. Those were the words I needed. Now I’m strong enough to face the Legion. I will fight. I will fight for Finn and for our love.

Suddenly the sand slides out from under my feet and Finn is standing right behind me. He looks determined. “Maybe you’re able to hold back your feelings, but I can’t, and I won’t.”

He presses his lips to mine. They are both hard and soft; I taste a hint of cinnamon and the salt of his tears. Even at night I still smell the sun on his skin. His hair fans around both sides of my face. Inside, I’m exploding. I want to cry, scream and laugh all at the same time.

The kiss is so short, and over so quickly, but it leaves me breathless. Finn leaves. He runs. Sprints into the desert without turning back. He doesn’t need to. I know everything I have to know. My fingertips probe my lips, where his touched me just seconds ago. I close my eyes and feel the kiss again. It’s working.

I wait until Finn and his lamp are out of sight before I turn towards the Legion again. This time I run, just like Finn. When you’re running, there’s less chance you might turn around. Nothing can stop you.

I almost stumble down the hill, now closer to the glowing sphere than ever before. We never talked about where exactly I should go, or how I should get inside. We always assumed there would be guards around the Legion. But there are no guards here. Just the big Jeeps and the aircraft standing around the building. I run around the sphere, looking for an entrance. There’s nothing. No door I could knock at, no curtain I could push through. When I’ve gone all the way around once, I start to shout. “Help!”

My voice echoes through the darkness. It sounds so quiet and small, when I look up at the gigantic blue globe where the Legion commanders live. Can’t anyone see me? The building is completely made of glass, after all.

I wave my hands and jump up and down. “Help!” I continue to shout. But nothing happens. They don’t want me. I’m insignificant, not even dangerous enough to shoot.

I slump to the ground. I should be happy. If the Legion doesn’t want me, I can just go back to the rebels. Finn and I could be together. But that’s not what we wanted. We want to live in freedom, we want to have a future. That can’t happen as long as the Legion controls us. To the rebels, I was their hope. How can I go back and tell them their plan has failed? They’ll be so disappointed.

Suddenly a dazzling light blinds me. I flinch and squeeze my eyes shut; then realise I can’t breathe, there’s no air. It’s as if someone is pressing on my throat, but there’s no one there. I try to see, but the light is so bright that it’s impossible. Even trying hurts my eyes. I try to stand up but my legs are like pudding and I fall back to the ground. I gasp for air like a fish on the shore. Stay calm, I tell myself, but that’s easier said than done when you can’t breathe.

“Help!” I force the word out, so quietly that I hardly hear it myself. What’s the Legion doing to me? Is this how they kill people?

My consciousness is slipping away. It’s as if I’m falling into a deep, dark hole. I claw at the ground but I can’t hold on much longer. The pull is too strong.
Finn? Finn, help me!

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o be continued...

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id you enjoy Radioactive: The Outcast Ones? I would be very happy about a review.

As an indie author I depend on honest opinions from my readers, because that’s the only way my books can be better known and improve in quality. I don’t have a publisher to run big advertising campaigns for me. So I would also be very happy to hear from you on Facebook or Twitter or at my blog
www.mayashepherd.blogspot.de
. I’ll be posting there anytime there’s news about me and my books.

Thanks for reading!

Yours sincerely,

Maya Shepherd

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CKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thanks to Sabrina Stocker, who comes first because she supported me more than anyone, just like she did with my first book. She’s my muse—I couldn’t do it without her.

Thanks also to Mr. Boensch, whose amazing politics class inspired me to write Radioactive. That was the first time in my educational career that I found politics interesting.

Thanks to Martina Zeinert for her magnificent editing. We’re an awesome team! Finding her was a highlight of 2012 for me. I look forward to working together again in future.

Thanks to Anika Welter and Sabrina Keim for their encouraging words and their firm belief in me and my talent. With friends like this, who needs wings to fly?

Lastly and most importantly, thanks to my fiancé Robert. He gives me the strength to believe in myself and never give up.

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