The Outcast Ones (16 page)

I stare at him as if hypnotised. Why did he show up now and why is he sitting next to me as if it’s the most normal thing in the world? He’s the one who said we’d never be friends.

Although I’ve been longing for his attention for hours, he’s scaring me now. He’s so changeable. I can’t be sure of anything with him. One moment he yells at me, burying me with contemptuous words, the next he makes like nothing happened.

His arm bumps mine as he bites into the fish. Goosebumps make me cower away. “Where have you been?” I expect him to tell me it’s none of my business.

Instead, he grins, an unusual sight. For me at least. “Did you miss me?”

His sudden change to a relaxed and natural manner makes me mad. I don’t know what to do—it’s like he’s not taking me seriously. It’s like a game for him, a game where he makes all the rules. Today he chose peace, but tomorrow he might choose war, or worse, he might choose to ignore me.

Without a word I stand up and leave him sitting there. I take a spot on the other side. I don’t dare look at him once the rest of the night.

- -

“I
f you would just think before you act...”

“...I wouldn’t have done anything differently.”

“So it was deliberate?” Florence’s voice is shrill and almost cracks.

“I really don’t understand what your problem is. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill!” Paul sounds just as angry as Florence.

“I don’t believe that!” She slams a cupboard door and the dishes rattle.

I stand in the doorway between the sleeping rooms and the communal room, and I can only stare helplessly at the two of them. I’d like to cram my hands over my ears and pretend I heard nothing. Even then I’d probably still hear them fighting. They don’t even care that I’m standing here—although it’s very unpleasant for me to hear their private conversation. At first I wanted to go back to my room, but I’m so frightened by what they say that I’ve turned into a statue.

“Do you know, Finn’s right when he says you’re a cow!”

“Oh really, is that what he says? How nice that you both agree. Finn should mind his own business, he’s got enough to do. Of all the people to stand in judgement over others!” It’s as if lightning bolts are coming out of her eyes, aimed at Paul.

“Leave Finn out of this.”

“You’re the one who brought him into it.”

“Because you’re always hassling him. Just admit that you can’t stand him.”

“That’s not true. I’d be happy if you were half as intelligent as he is.”

“I can’t believe you said that!” shouts Paul. Florence crosses her arms. Paul cracks his fist on the table and I flinch, terrified.

“That’s enough!” he yells, “you look for someone else!” He storms out of the kitchen.

Florence’s lips tremble and she stares after him, eyes wide. “Typical for you—you just run off!”

My stomach is all fluttery and I want to cry. What just happened? Why do Florence and Paul hate each other so suddenly?

There’s a groan behind me. “Finally!” Finn’s warm skin touches my shoulder as he pushes past me. He saw me watching? My cheeks grow hot. It’s his newest game to sneak up on me and frighten me. Again, I didn’t notice him coming.

Completely unaffected by Florence and Paul’s fight, he goes to the kitchen cupboard and takes an apple from the top shelf. He bites into it with a juicy crunch and smiles.

“Do you know why they were fighting like that?”

“For no reason, none at all,” answers Finn, his mouth full. Apparently, none of this bothers him in the slightest. How can he be so uncaring when they are suffering? Doesn’t he know what terrible consequences a fight can have?

“It doesn’t bother you that they were fighting over you?”

“That was just an excuse. Believe me, I’m not that important.”

His disinterest makes me mad. Paul is his friend, how can he be so cold? “And you know that how?”

“Because they fight all the time. They don’t really mean it. By tonight they will be kissing and in bed again.”

I don’t understand. No one fights for no reason. People who fight don’t kiss. He’s just not making any sense.

“In the safety zone they taught us that fighting is a sign of war. Every war begins with a fight.”

Finn looks at me doubtfully. His light blue eyes look me up and down and remain peering at my face. His head is a little bit tilted, so that a strand of his honey-blond hair falls into his eyes.

“Are you worried?” He seems truly interested. As ever, it’s like he can’t evaluate me.

“I don’t want Florence and Paul to fight. They love each other. It would be awful if a war broke out between them. The world has been destroyed enough, it might not be able to handle another war.”

“You really believe in all that, don’t you?” He doesn’t sound certain, but his gaze holds steady.

“In what?”

“In all that crap they brainwashed into you. Don’t get me wrong, if I were you and had listened to the Legion’s lies all my life, I’d probably believe them too. But I think you’re clever enough to see through them.”

Finn thinks I’m clever? He sees something positive in me? For a moment it hits me so hard that I completely forget what we were talking about.

His face is kind—unusually so. He steps closer to me. “There won’t be any war, at least not because of Florence or Paul. They won’t even break up, I can promise you that.”

Sympathy...in Finn. This is new. It’s even new for me that he’s looking me in the face when he talks to me. I meet his eyes and find it hard to put my thoughts into words. My tongue is like a heavy, useless lump in my mouth.

He goes on, as if to affirm what he says. “You and me, we fight all the time, we don’t even like each other, but there’s no war.”

He’s the one who can’t stand me. It’s not a fight from both sides. Quite the opposite—I like him a lot more than he deserves. “But why does anyone fight if it’s not to start a war?”

“Paul and Florence fight for one reason alone: so they can get on together again afterwards.”

He sees my blank look and starts laughing loudly. Against my will, a little smile flashes across my lips. It’s so good to see him without the hate and anger. He’s finally treating me like a person. Maybe we’ll even get on all right someday.

“It gives new energy to their relationship and shows them how important they really are to each other.”

I hope he’s right, even if I really can’t understand Florence and Paul. Even if fighting doesn’t lead to war, I’d prefer to live in harmony than hurl insults at each other.

“I’m not saying I find it a good thing, what they’re doing. I wouldn’t like to be that way.” Finn shrugs and heads for the exit, but then he stops suddenly and turns back towards me.

I look at him, unspoken questions on my face. He looks at his feet and appears to be inspecting the toes of his shoes. Suddenly, and for no reason, he’s as stand-offish as he ever was. “I wanted to go to the lake.”

Why’s he telling me that? He’s never told me where he’s going before. He doesn’t even talk to me, normally. I moisten my lips. “I’ll tell the others, if they look for you.”

“Okay...” He spins on his heel and walks away. What was that all about?

Confused, I go to the kitchen cupboard, take a piece of bread, and cover it with fresh goat cheese. Finn actually managed to assuage my worries. Even though he didn’t make any sense to me, I still believe him. He knows Paul and Florence much better than I do.

“Do you want to come with me?”

I turn and look at Finn. He’s standing in the doorway again, nervous and twitchy, as if he’s in a hurry. Did he really just ask me to go with him? His body language says something completely different.

“If you want to come, hurry up. I can’t wait around forever!” Wow. He’s actually gone red. He seems to notice it himself, because he pulls his brown cap down over his face and leaves without waiting for my answer. Quickly I swallow the last bite of my bread and run after him. Of all the secrets and mysteries in the world, Finn might be the biggest for me

“What do you want to do at the lake?” I ask him as we follow the narrow pathway through the bush. Finn walks ahead. If he hadn’t invited me to come, I would think he finds me annoying. He’s unapproachable again and he’s walking so fast I can hardly keep up.

“Swimming. Fishing.”

A clear answer, if brief. Why did he want me to come? Or maybe he didn’t really—he just asked to be polite. Finn, polite? Impossible.

We reach the shore of the green lake, surrounded by reeds. It’s not particularly big. The distance from one bank to the other isn’t even ten metres, but it’s deep and very cold, and that’s a pleasant thing in this heat. While Finn drops his cap and pulls off his black T-shirt without hesitation, I stand at the edge, uncertain. With crossed arms I wrestle with myself. The water plays along the damp earth and it’s refreshing even just to look at, but it’s embarrassing to undress in front of Finn.

In nothing but boxer shorts, Finn steps into the water. He only shivers for a moment in the chill, then dives in headfirst.

It was hard enough for me to undress in front of Florence and Iris, but Finn? I can’t do it. In the safety zone we never saw each other naked or incompletely clothed. For one, because it’s not proper, and for another, because all of us women look the same anyway. Supposedly, in any case. But it’s different here. Florence’s skin is like caramel, and she’s more rounded in the right places. With her long, blonde hair, she looks like an angel.

Grace is maybe a bit older than us, but the contrast between her red hair and green-grass eyes gives her a mysterious look. Her face is full of cheeky freckles.

Although my skin isn’t sunburned any more, it still looks pale and transparent like a ghost. Through the thin fabric of my top, I can clearly feel my ribs sticking out, and I haven’t seen my face since that first—and last—look in the mirror.

Finn surfaces. His wet hair sticks to his head. A swipe of his hand moves it to hang backwards, then he looks around for me. When he sees me frozen on the shoreline, his eyebrows go up.

“What’s up? Aren’t you feeling the heat—or are you embarrassed?” His voice drips with mockery. I hate that he’s right.

Helpless, I shrug. “I can’t swim.” Even though it’s true, I’m using it as an excuse this time. If Finn wasn’t here, I’d go in up to my waist at least.

“Come in, if you dare. I’ll teach you.” He splashes some water at me, but he’s too far away to reach. I doubt that he can do it. The last time we were alone together, he wanted to leave me in a hole to die of thirst. But I don’t want to seem scared to him, don’t want to stand here like a coward.

Slowly I undo my shoelaces and pull the heavy boots from my feet, followed by the dark socks, which I shove into the boots. Wearing my jeans and shirt, I step into the water. Immediately, the pants suck up the liquid, sticking heavily to my skin.

“Why don’t you take off your jeans at least? Your legs won’t fall off if I look at them!” He wades through the lake towards me. His tanned skin shines wet in the sun.

“I...I’ve got sunburn!” I stutter, and heat floods me despite the chill of the water.

“On your legs? But you always wear jeans.” He doesn’t believe a word. I see mistrust in his eyes, but then the hard lines of his face soften. “It doesn’t matter. Your choice.” He looks away, as if he were the one feeling ashamed. “Have you ever seen a frog?”

Silently I shake my head, feeling dumb as I so often do. Everything that’s normal for Finn and most of the other rebels is strange and unknown for me.

“Come with me!” He beckons me, and together we step through the lake’s edge. The fine mud squishes between my toes. When we reach the reeds, he raises his hand to call for quiet. A soft sound comes to my attention, a sort of humming, but not as rhythmic as I’m used to from machines.

Finn reaches a hand through the reeds, clearing my view to some hidden lilypads. Hardly visible is a dark green animal on one of them. It’s small, barely bigger than a lily petal, but wide and strong for its size. Its body is covered with spots and ridges.

Unexpectedly, Finn lays an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to himself, and to the animal. “That’s not a frog, it’s a toad, but it can swim just the same,” he whispers in my ear. “Watch closely now!” With his free hand, he pokes the toad so that it gets a fright and jumps off its leaf. It swims away, closing its arms and legs like scissors.

“Did you see that? You’ll be able to swim like that too. There’s no better teacher than a toad.”

“I thought you were going to be the teacher,” I blurt, laughing. Finn could be compared to a toad sometimes. When he gets angry, he blows himself up just the same.

He pokes me, like he did to the toad. “Don’t get cheeky, or I’ll drown you.”

There’s no threat in his words. He’s as relaxed with me as only Jep and Pep have been. Even Florence can’t manage it. She always makes an effort, but there’s always a certain distance. It’s strange that it should be Finn who overcomes it when he wants to. In these moments I don’t feel like an outsider, but of equal birth with him, as if we were really something like friends.

We lie in the soft meadow grass and look up at the clouds. They wander across the blue sky in various shapes while our wet clothes dry in the sun. Finn has been incredibly patient with me. It’s not easy to believe that the water can carry me, or that I can glide through it like birds do in the sky. Although I managed to swim a small circuit of the lake, I am still very uncertain. I wouldn’t dare do it again without Finn.

I turn my head to the side and observe his face in the sun. His eyes are closed and his mouth is relaxed. When I think how often he’s shouted at me and insulted me, he almost seems like a different person. I try to recognise similarities between him and Zoe, but I can’t, even though they are full siblings, unlike Iris and I. I wonder what Zoe looked like before the Legion shaved her head and coloured her eyes blue. Lost in thought, I run a hand over my head. It doesn’t feel quite so bald any more. The short strands feel firm and soft at the same time.

Finn’s fingertips touch mine. Shocked, I look in his face. He pats my hair thoughtfully. When he sees my horrified expression, he pulls his hand away. “Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you. I just wanted to know what it feels like.” He looks back up at the sky. “Do they shave your heads every day?”