The Outcast Ones (21 page)

His left hand rubs at the knuckles of his right. His mouth is tight and his brow is wrinkled like he’s thinking very hard about something. “I was afraid.” His voice is hollow; I can tell he’s not done yet. “Not for me. For you.”

Our eyes meet. Damp tears make his eyes glitter. He unclasps his cramped hands and reaches for mine. His trembling transfers to me. I press his hand tightly. For the first time, I feel stronger than him, but only because his words give me strength. Before I met Finn, I knew no fear and no love. Maybe only lovers can be afraid—because only lovers can lose someone. The thought of losing Finn almost breaks my heart.

“If you were gone...” He pauses, as if to search for the right words, and squeezes my hand so hard that it almost hurts. His face looks desperate. I hang on his every word and can hardly wait to hear what he’ll say next. I long to be close to him, so much that I’d like to lean in against him. I want to feel his warm skin on mine and I want to bury my face in the curve of his neck. I want his unmistakable scent of sun and earth to fill my lungs and I want his hair to tickle my face.

“I’m going to miss you.”

There’s so much pain in those words, and yet so much truth. Our goodbye is incredibly soon, so close I can almost touch it. Our days are numbered. We may not have understood each other immediately, but our connection is even stronger for it now. It’s as if our hearts beat in the same rhythm, although we’re as different as can be. Origin doesn’t matter, belief doesn’t matter, if our hearts belong together.

Finn is so close that our noses touch. They meet like a gentle embrace. His breath passes my cheek and my whole body tingles. His firm grip loosens, and his thumb strokes the back of my hand. Although I’ve never been so close to anyone, never mind kissed anyone, instinct tells me that now is the moment for it to happen. My heart beats wildly in my chest, so hard that Finn must be able to hear it. We come even closer.

His hand strokes my cheek, then he turns away. I am left facing his left ear, as if it’s a wall I can’t pass. Cold air blows over my hot face and for a moment I can’t breathe. Was I wrong? Don’t we both want this, or was it just me who wanted more?

Finn stares straight ahead and clears his throat. “We should go to sleep. Tomorrow we have to drive all that way back to the caves. I need my rest.”

As if in a spasm, he lies down and turns his back to me. Although he said I mean something to him and he’s going to miss me, now I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m more angry with myself for being so stupid. I should have been happy with what I had instead of wanting more and more. Once, I just wanted Finn to leave me alone—now I expect him to kiss me. Why do I have to make it even harder than it is already? Soon I’ll be back in the safety zone and I might never see Finn again. A kiss from him would be one more painful memory of a life that isn’t mine.

Suddenly I’m exhausted and drop to the ground beside Finn. He’s not facing me, but instead of turning my back, I turn towards him, so I can see the rise and fall of his breathing. It calms me and I feel safe in the shadow of his back. His hair falls around his neck in soft waves. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. In my mind I see how the sun shines on the fine white hairs of his arms; I can smell the clay soil and the damp grass at the lake. It’s the smell of happiness. I’ll remember this, when I’m resting in my grey cell in the safety zone. Whenever I’m sad, I’ll think of Finn and I’ll know why I went back. He deserves to be free.

The trip was quiet. No jokes, no laughter, not even any snoring from Gustav. He’s different too, as if he’s finally reached his true age: pale now, and so weak he looks like he can hardly stay on his feet. His regret is written all over his face.

The others come running out of the caves as soon as they hear the vehicles. They look well. At least nothing happened here. Emily waves a green flag to welcome us, and Grace and Florence wave their hands. They look so happy. But someone’s missing. Where’s Iris?

Before the Jeep can even come to a stop, I shove open the passenger door and tumble out. Florence runs to me and wraps me in her arms before I can say a thing. She kisses me on the left cheek, then the right. She’s so happy that I almost start to cry when I think of her face when they tell her about her brother. I don’t want to be the one to tell her. No one will tell her—she’ll understand the moment she sees Pep.

“Where’s Iris?” I blurt out.

Florence’s face changes in an instant. She swallows hard and looks away instead of at me. “There’s been an...incident.”

Alarms ring in my head. “Has something happened to her?” I’m horrified. I squeeze Florence’s arms a bit harder to make her look at me.

“Not exactly. She found out something we should have kept to ourselves.”

I don’t understand what she’s saying. Why won’t she just tell me what’s up with Iris? “Where is she?” I demand, and this time I sound angry.

Florence looks to the ground. “In your room.”

She can’t hold me any more and I dash past all the others into the caves. Even before I enter the big communal room, I see Iris sitting at a table. Her little desert fox runs to me, rubbing around my legs and jumping up at me. He licks the dirty fingers I hold out to him.

But Iris is like a statue. She won’t even look at me. She stares straight ahead, as if I’m not even here. Worry tightens around my heart like a fist. What happened here while we were gone?

Slowly, I kneel beside her and touch her knee. She flinches as if I hit her.

“Iris...I’m back again,” I whisper. Florence’s sobs float in from outside. Iris doesn’t even twitch an eye. Nothing seems to matter to her. What could have happened to this little girl, who was so full of life and love? So curious to learn about everything, sucking it up like a sponge.

“Aren’t you happy?”

Her hand smacks my cheek so fast I can’t even gasp. Anger burns in her eyes, and my cheek glows hot as if she burned it. My eyes go wide and I stare at my little sister as if she were a stranger.

“You lied to me the whole time.” She’s not screaming or crying. She’s quiet and matter-of-fact as hardly any child her age could be. That’s what worries me the most.

“What are you talking about, darling?” Tears come to my eyes, blurring my sight.

“You promised you’d always be here for me and protect me. Then you disappear just like that, without saying a word, and you leave me behind.”

Slowly she unfreezes and there’s a tremor in her voice. It must be an enormous effort for her to fight it. But she shouldn’t even be holding it in. She’s just a child. She should let her emotions out. I wish she would hit me again, or do some shouting, at least.

“But you knew I was going to the black market with the others. Why didn’t you say something?”

There’s a moment’s silence. Her eyes narrow. “I’m not talking about the black market.”

Her words hit me like another slap. That’s what Florence meant. Someone told her what I’m supposed to do. Someone must have told her I’m going back to the safety zone. Whoever it was, I’d like to wring their neck. Was it Emily?

One look at Iris kills my anger. No matter who it was. It would have been up to me to tell her, and to my shame I have to admit I would never have done it. I would have left without saying goodbye. Just because I couldn’t handle it.

Her fists are clenched and her whole body is shaking. It looks like she wants to beat me black and blue.

“I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you. I haven’t known for long myself.” The excuses sound lame and thin even to me.

“When did you want to tell me? You’re leaving tomorrow!”

“No, I don’t have to leave tomorrow. I can stay longer. I can stay as long as you want,” I assure her, and nod as if to convince myself. Tears run down my cheeks and Iris looks up.

She shakes her head. “You don’t have any choice. They’re making you go, aren’t they? I hate them all!” She starts to cry, and throws her arms around my neck. I’m so glad of her nearness, and I squeeze her tight. She whimpers in my ear and her tears mingle with mine. “They can’t send you away, I won’t let them!”

Carefully I push her away a little, so I can look her in the eyes. “No, it’s not like that. No one is forcing me. I’m volunteering.”

“But why?” she sobs, and Dumbo whines pitifully as he pushes in between us.

“The Legion is doing bad things. They’re hurting people, and someone has to stop them.”

“But why you? Why can’t someone else do it—why not Finn? He’s bigger and stronger than you.”

I run my hand over her light-blonde hair. “Finn would be lost in the safety zone.” Even if he would do it, I wouldn’t want him to go in my place. I would rather know he’s safe here, just like Iris.

“But I wouldn’t be lost. We came together—we should leave together. We’re sisters, right?” Her voice quakes so much that her chin trembles. Tears stream from her eyes and I find myself unable to say no.

“Of course we are.”

“Then promise me you won’t go without me.”

“I promise.”

My heart hurts that I have to lie to her. I don’t even want to imagine her disappointment when she finds out I’ve gone without her. But to take her with me to the Legion would surely be a death sentence for her. For the Legion commanders, she would only be a troublesome teenager who knows more than she should. They wouldn’t hesitate one second. They’d kill her.

That evening, Iris is calm again. At least she never had much to do with Jep, and his death doesn’t hit her very hard. Although she’s shocked like everyone else about what happened at the meeting, she sees it as all the more reason to do something about the Legion. Iris thinks the two of us will be something like heroes because we’ll be fighting against the Legion. She talks about it as if it’s exciting, and she’s not afraid. Emily almost seems jealous—she wants to be a hero too, the same as Iris. There’s constant competition between the two of them, beginning with a better birthday present, and ending with a battle against the Legion.

I’m only too happy when Finn knocks on the wall of our cave at dusk to take me for a walk. He takes my hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and leads me through the forest to the little lake where he tried to teach me to swim.

All the way there I want to ask him something, but every time I start, I can’t get it out. It’s just fact that mostly when we talk, it spoils the entire mood. There’s so much we could talk about: Jep, Gustav, the Legion, but none of it is positive.

“Will you really take Iris back to the safety zone?” he says finally, when the silence starts to get uncomfortable on all sides.

I’m pleased he asked. At least it’s not me turning a nice evening into a disaster. “Of course not.”

“So you lied to her?”

“Yes, but only to protect her.”

“The Legion would say the same thing,” he growls.

I understand him, but what else could I do? Tell her the truth and leave her after a fight? I couldn’t handle that. “Don’t let her follow me.”

Finn’s face tells the story that he’s wrestling with himself.

“
Please
...”

“Why don’t you ask Florence or Grace? I’m not so good with children.” He flicks a stone into the water, and it hops once, twice, before it sinks.

“I trust you more than anyone else. That’s why I’m asking you!”

Finn smiles briefly, then turns thoughtful again. “Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to take her. You could support each other.”

I’m horrified. “Iris is only ten. She can’t hold back her emotions, nor should she have to. That will betray her. She’s too honest to play-act to the Legion.”

“Can you hold back your emotions?”

“I’ve been holding back thoughts and feelings all my life. There’s no greater experience than that. Iris has her whole life ahead. She should never have to become like me. The safety zone is no place for children.”

“Iris should be proud of herself if she turned out like you. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.” Finn gives me a look that makes me go weak at the knees. I just can’t deal with his compliments. On the one hand I’m happy to hear them, but on the other I’m afraid of them. I never know what to answer, or what they mean.

“So you promise you’ll look after her?”

“Yes, but only if you promise me something as well.”

I crease my brow. What might Finn want from me? “That sounds fair. What is it?”

He breathes deeply, in and out. His free hand runs through his hair. I’ve seen him do it many times when he’s nervous. “Promise me you won’t forget our time together. Promise me we’ll meet again.”

“I’ll never forget you.” How could anyone ever forget Finn? He’s the most astonishing person I ever met. There’s no one else so full of moods and emotions, always changing. In one moment he might be shouting and throwing chairs, then in the next, he might hug someone. He taught me about loving and hating. He let me see the world through his eyes. He made me who I am today

He releases my hand and lays his arm around my shoulders. “When you come back, after we’ve beaten the Legion, life can start properly.” He winks at me like I’ve only seen Jep and Pep do before now.

“I don’t even know what that means,” I confess. I don’t know any other life, and I have no idea what that would look like, or what kind of life I would wish for myself. For me there’s only the past and this moment. I’ve never thought about the future. It was never needed in the safety zone, because the Legion commanders determined everyone’s future. Nothing was unknown—there were no chances, no opportunities. There was no choice and no hope.

“We’ll build a house. Not like the caves, but a proper house with doors and windows. We’ll plant apple trees in our garden. In autumn we’ll bake the apples into the best pies anywhere and we’ll invite everyone over to eat them. The children will play in the leaves and in winter, they’ll make angels in the snow. We’ll get old and our faces will be wrinkled many times over, because we’ve laughed so much in our lives.”

Finn’s whole face is glowing as he imagines it. To me it all sounds like a beautiful story. A story like they used to tell children before bedtime on Old Earth. A fairytale, but not reality. It doesn’t matter how much I want it to be true—that golden time is still far, far away and it seems unattainable. And yet...for one moment I believe it, even if only to make Finn happy.