The Perfection Paradox (21 page)

Ryan put his
hand on Hunter’s shoulder “Your real friends know you anyway
Hunter, they’ve seen you do the most embarrassing stuff and say the
stupidest things and they still want to be your friend. That’s what
made you the life of every party and the guy all the freshmen
looked up to, you’re at your best when you’re that person, not this
dick you’ve become. It’s not you.”

Hunter smiled
half-heartedly, thinking back to the days when he’d never felt
pissed off at the world, when everything was easy and carefree.
When had life become so empty and unsatisfying? Something had
changed but he couldn’t put his finger on what. Suddenly he
couldn’t be cool enough or smart enough or funny enough, it always
had to be more. He was constantly striving to be more than he
was.

“
You can
still go back to being you” Ryan reassured him, patting his
back.

Hunter stared
up at the ceiling, thinking through all that had happened
today.

“
I can’t. My
dad is going to kill me for beating Schmidt up. It’ll go on my
school record, I won’t get the scholarship I need, and I won’t be
able to go to college. Principal Andrews won’t give a fuck about
some teenage epiphany… I’m such a jackass.” Hunter declared,
hitting his head against the wall behind him in unison with the
last sentence.

Ryan shook
his head reassuringly, “Don’t worry, we’ll sort something out with
Principal Andrews, get you to do community service or Prom
Committee or something like that. It looks bad for the school if
you don’t go to college, and Principal Andrews is a nice guy, I
don’t think he’d want to snatch away all your dreams. Remember when
we were freshmen, that massive guy, Tony Grant, he started a fight
nearly every game and he still got his scholarship… It’ll be okay
Hunter.”

Hunter was
still shaking, but less than he had been. He lowered his hands and
nodded grimly “I hope so” he said with a listless smile.

“
Come on, you
should probably stay at mine tonight, I don’t think it’s a good
idea to go back to your house, Coach will be calling at some point.
My mom can call your mom and we’ll send an email to Principal
Andrews as soon as we get to my house.”

Hunter had
never been as grateful for a best friend like Ryan as he was in
that moment.

Suddenly all
the competitiveness and obsession with being the best seemed so
unimportant. All he needed was a friend like Ryan, always there,
never wavering or floundering.

Despite the
unfortunate situation Hunter found himself in he hadn’t felt this
happy in months, because for the first time he didn’t feel
completely alone. He didn’t feel the need to keep up a façade of
invulnerability, like he was taking on the world as a solitary
burden.     

26.

Matt had been
checking the Biology bulletin board for extra credit assignments
that Wednesday, when he’d noticed a sheet had been put up with the
pairings for the big inter-science project that happened once a
year.

A student
from Biology, Chemistry and Physics were grouped together and had
to conduct an experiment relevant to all three subjects, write a
lab report and give a presentation.

Matt had
taken the class last year, so he’d barely glanced at it, when
suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spotted her.

Kennedy.

Her name was
printed neatly next to Jerry and Ernie Helness’s.

God
, even looking at her name sent a
shiver up Matt’s spine.

Jerry was
paired up with her.

He had to do
something.

He wasn’t
sure what yet, but there must be some way to reach out to her,
especially when she was so close, paired up with one of his best
friends.

The stars
were aligning.

Matt slid in
between Miles and Roger at their tiny table in the cafeteria. An
argument had broken out at a nearby table and insults were flying
back and forth mercilessly. Matt saw Miles cringe and drop his head
as a jock labelled the punk he was arguing with a ‘fag’.

Jerry was sat
across from him, oblivious to Miles’ discomfort, smiling
broadly.

Here we
go
, Matt thought, preparing to feel
murderously jealous.

“
What are you
so happy about?” Miles asked suspiciously, wiping his greasy hands
dripping with burger fat all over his t-shirt
absent-mindedly.

“
I have some
news” Jerry replied dramatically. He tried to cover the smile he
was stifling with his hand, striking a pretentious pose as he
looked across the cafeteria, seemingly mulling over some very deep
thoughts in his head.

“
I’ve been
paired up with Kennedy Blakewood for the inter-science project” He
announced, barely managing to keep his voice steady, his face
rippling with excitement.

Miles’ jaw
dropped, perfectly synchronized with Roger’s shocked yelp. Despite
all his frustrations with the current situation, Matt had to try
very hard not to laugh.

The questions
began.
How? When? What was he going to do?
Did she already know? Had she spoken to him?
Jerry said nothing, instead pulling out a small slip of paper
from the pocket of his hoodie and dropping it on the table
dramatically for them all to squint at.

Written on it
in neat cursive were Kennedy’s email address and her cell phone
number.

For a split
second Matt didn’t believe they were real. Jerry had forged them.
But Jerry wrote like a caveman, there was no way the loopy
scripture was his.

“
No way!”
Miles exclaimed. Roger’s initial reaction was much like Matt’s, and
he leaned in closer to observe the scrap of paper, searching for
any hints of fraud.

He found
none, and leaned back in his chair, speechless.

“
From the
hand of Kennedy Blakewood…” Jerry stated grandly, glancing from one
face to the next, revelling in the envy of his friends.

The next ten
minutes were spent discussing the various scenarios that could
arise from Jerry’s pairing with Kennedy. It was as if Ernie Helness
didn’t exist.

As the lunch
bell rang and the four boys rose from their seats to dispose of
their lunch trays, Matt whispered, half jokingly, half hopefully,
“So… could you give me Kennedy’s number?”

As soon as he
said it, he regretted it. A dark cloud of contempt passed over
Jerry’s face.

“
What?” He
demanded. His voice was laced with tense anger.

Matt couldn’t
think of a way to back track, so instead he just continued,
“Kennedy’s phone number… could I have it?”

Jerry stopped
in his tracks, scrutinizing Matt’s pimpled face. “Why would I do
that?” he asked slowly.

“
Why not?”
Matt answered too quickly, shrugging his shoulders, trying hard to
break the awkward atmosphere.

“
If you want
her number you should ask for it yourself… She gave it to
me
” Jerry answered, his
voice sounded so petulant it made Matt wince with
embarrassment.

Matt let out
a forced laugh, not sure himself why he was laughing.

“
The only
reason she gave it to you is because you’re her science partner. It
could have been any of us… If I’d taken biology this year instead
of last year it might’ve been me…And I would’ve given you her
number if you’d asked” he lied.

Jerry ignored
every word that poured from Matt’s mouth.

“
What would
you do with it anyway?” he demanded frostily, his eyes bulging with
outrage, “would you call her? What would you say?
You’ve never spoken to me before but I have your
number and I decided to call you?
”

Matt was left
speechless for several seconds.

“
Well if I
ever
do
talk to
her it would be a good thing to have…” Matt started quixotically,
“Just give it to me Jerry, stop being such a
dick
”

The
awkwardness of the situation increased tenfold as Matt finished his
sentence. They never swore, and they
definitely
never swore at each
other.

Matt looked
to Roger and Miles for support but both of them were desperately
avoiding eye contact. Roger seemed incredibly interested in an old
poster on the wall advertising the debate team.

“
Fine, take
it.” Jerry faltered, throwing the shred of paper on to the table,
“If Kennedy Blakewood means more to you than our
friendship…”

“
When did I
say that?” Matt asked, exasperated.

Jerry shook
his head and walked toward the West Wing doors without another
word.

Roger and
Miles stood awkwardly for several seconds before following
him.

Matt sighed
loudly,
what just
happened
?

His eyes fell
to the torn sheet that lay scrunched up on the plastic
table.

If I don’t
pick it up it might fall into the wrong hands
… he told himself. He plucked it from the hard shiny surface
and shoved it into the pocket of his faded jeans.

I won’t use
it
, Matt thought,
I’ll just make sure no one else finds it
.

That evening,
Matt found himself home alone, flicking through TV channels and
checking his email account for word from Jerry, Miles or
Roger.

He hadn’t
seen them since their quarrel in the cafeteria. High School felt
even more intimidating with no group of friends to cower
with.

His parents
were out at dinner with their new neighbours and his sister had
been forced into babysitting their two-year-old son and five year
old daughter.

Despite being
alone in the house, he snuck into his parent’s bedroom closet and
pulled the door shut behind him, Kennedy’s shoebox clutched tightly
in his pale hands.

Matt dropped
to the floor, pulling the door shut behind him and yanking the cord
that lit up the cramped space. The heaps of clothes surrounding him
cast deformed shadows on the walls.

He sat
cross-legged, pulling the lid off the box eagerly. The notebook was
there; thick with photographs and mementos, and underneath it a
tattered piece of paper, scrunched up secretively.

Matt unfolded
it slowly, making sure not to damage it. He placed it on the floor,
running over it with his clammy hands, trying to flatten out the
creases.

Here he was,
in an empty house, with Kennedy Blakewood’s phone number in front
of him.

He picked up
his beat up Nokia and dialled the number shakily. He’d already
altered his phone settings so he’d remain anonymous, but he still
felt nervous and scared. His hands were damp with perspiration. He
pressed the green ‘dial’ button, but as soon as the first ring
sounded in his ears he hung up quickly and tossed the phone across
the floor as if it had electrocuted him.

Slowly he
gathered himself, out of habit he looked around to see if anyone
had seen him. He leant against the closet wall with both hands
behind his head, staring at the ceiling.

Calm
down
, he was telling himself,
breathe.

He picked up
the phone again, his stomach twisting and turning nauseously. He
dialled the number again and pressed the green button.

One ring. Two
rings.
Three rings
.

Matt’s
stomach felt like he was in free fall.

“
Hello?”

Matt’s gut
instinct was to hang up immediately, but he managed to stop
himself. He heard Kennedy laugh and a voice in the
background.

“
Brooke, stop
it, you’re crazy!” he heard Kennedy’s voice whisper. He could sense
the smile on her lips.

“
I’m sorry,
hello? Who is this?” her voice filled his ears and he smiled to
himself. It was the kind of voice a movie star should have, and it
felt so far away from Matt’s own ugly reality.

“
Hello? Can
you hear me?”

Matt hung up.
He held the phone to his chest tightly, over his heart. He wanted
to call her a thousand more times, even if it was just that same
phone call playing on loop.

But he
couldn’t.

Suddenly it
dawned on him how distant Kennedy was and how completely separate
their lives actually were.

Matt scooted
forward, trying to push past the clothes that hung overhead. 
A heavy hard object obstructed his path as he tried to push past
it. He looked down to where the object sat, a metal case no larger
than Kennedy’s shoebox. Matt pulled it up on to his lap.

He’d never
seen it before in his life.

He flicked
the lock and pushed the lid gently.

Nestled in
amongst protective back foam was a revolver gun.

It looked
just like the toy imitations Matt had played with when he was
younger, but it was heavier in his hands and colder than its
plastic counterparts.