The Plan (43 page)

Not even bothering to wipe the tears, Claire lifted her head and, with a despair she hadn't felt since she'd had to say good-bye to her family, Claire got into her car and drove away.

Since the day Claire had left her home in Florida, she'd been dreading returning to it. She'd been certain the memories of her family, which had seemed like distant dreams to her in the faraway lands she'd visited, would be waiting for her the moment she opened her front door, a tsunami of grief waiting to pummel her and knock her down. But she'd been wrong.

It wasn't grief that awaited her when she stepped into the foyer of her family's home. It was sweet memories of her babies and a man she'd loved deeply and a life which had been extremely precious. It was a life, she recognized, that was now over, but the ending no longer negated what they'd had and enjoyed as a family.

For once, the thought of her husband and kids brought a smile to her lips before it brought a tear to her eye.

Claire permitted herself one day to become lost in those memories. She went into each of her children's rooms and lay on their beds, holding their stuffed animals close. She didn't cry. Instead, she chose her favorite memories of each child and she relived those days in her mind. The day Luke had built his first Lego set all by himself and had nearly burst with pride. The moment when Ella had learned to ride a bike without training wheels and had screamed with glee as she flew down their street. The way Lily would snuggle close to Claire, hiding her face in Claire's neck, as Claire rested her own in her daughter's hair.

Those were memories no one could take away. Not even a drunk driver going the wrong way on the highway.

Claire spent hours poring over old photo albums, filled with happy days: birthday parties at the pool, family vacations to Disney World and New York City. School plays and Halloween costumes and a thousand candid shots of her children running through the sprinklers in the backyard or watching TV on the couch or building a fort in the living room.

The ones Claire cherished the most, though, were all the photos she'd taken of her children as they slept. Such sweet angels. Each of them, even before they truly were angels.

When it became dusk, Claire went into her bedroom and pulled Jack's dirty clothes out of the hamper, the ones Gia had told her would, no doubt, smell like him.

The scent was faint, but still there. Claire took those clothes to bed with her and lay with them in her arms, the way she would've held Jack if he were there. She talked to him, out loud. She told him all about her travels and the people she'd met. She told him about Alison, Wyatt, Frank and Mitch. And she told him about Callum, how she'd loved him, still loved him, but how she'd needed to let him go.

She fell asleep with Jack's clothes in her arms, her dreams a mixture of the two men she'd loved and lost.

When she awoke in the morning, she wasted no time in setting to work. She took all of Jack's dirty clothes, everything except the blue sweater she'd love him in the most, and threw them in the washing machine. While the machine was running, she drove herself to the local UPS store and bought a hundred dollars' worth of boxes.

When she returned home and put all the flattened boxes together with packing tape, she began to fill them. Jack's clothes were the first to go in, the ones from the hamper that were now clean and the ones still hanging in his closet. Next, she packed up the books from
his nightstand, only keeping his Bible for herself. She emptied out his T-shirt and sock drawers. Folded all his shorts and placed them inside. When she was done with Jack's belongings, she moved into Luke's room.

This wasn't as easy as Jack's had been. She had to fight the tears that threatened to engulf her. She reminded herself there were other children who'd enjoy the boxes of Legos and the tennis racket that hung on Luke's wall. When Gia called, Claire nearly asked her friend to come and box the items up for her, but then resisted. These had been her children. Their precious toys. It was only right she, their Mommy, would hold each item in her hands, once more, before sending them off to their new homes.

She'd cried through much of Luke's belongings, but by the time she reached the girls' room, her eyes were dry. She turned on the radio, which sat on top of Lily's dresser and blasted rock music as she worked. The upbeat sounds helped soothe the ache and she found herself smiling over the clothes and items more than she cried.

At one point, she even found herself dancing, Ella's Barbie dolls in her hands, Lily's cowgirl hat on her head. She thought about how her girls would be giggling if they were here to see her.

By the time she closed the last box, having saved some of the more special items for herself, she felt a sense of accomplishment and relief.

Knowing her children's rooms remained untouched, in this house, had weighed on Claire. They were a constant reminder of the children who would never return to them.

Claire was ready to move on, with her memories and her life. She no longer wanted to trudge through the muddy waters of the past. She wanted to swim in the clean ocean of the love she'd had for her family.

But before she could do that, she needed to sell the house.

The first call she made was to a realtor, a random stranger she'd
found online. Though she knew a number of parents at the kids' school were in the real estate field, Claire didn't want to use someone she knew. Selling the house needed to be a business transaction. It was the only way Claire would be able to get through it. She couldn't be distracted each time the realtor showed up with memories of her children and their friends.

The next call Claire made was to Gia.

“Let's go out to dinner.”

“Absolutely!” Gia said, delight filling her voice. “Where to?”

“I hear there's a new Mexican place downtown. Let's go there.”

“Oh, yippee! I've been wanting to try it out!”

“Did you just say yippee?” Claire asked, amused.

“In fact, I did. I'll pick you up in an hour.”

“Sounds good. I'll go shower now.” As soon as Claire hung up the phone, she ran up the stairs.

•  •  •

“You look incredible!” Gia said, over margaritas and shrimp quesadillas.

“Thanks,” Claire said. “I feel pretty good.”

“Do you?” Gia said with concern.

“I do. This margarita is probably helping a bit, though.” She smiled as she took another sip. Though she was still not a drinker, per se, Claire had begun to enjoy an occasional margarita or fruity drink during her time with Callum. She never actually finished an entire one, not since the unfortunate evening at the pool party, but she'd told Gia she'd begun to find a half glass could be quite enjoyable.

“You're really going to sell the house?”

“I am,” Claire said. “It's time.”

Gia nodded. She wasn't about to talk Claire out of her decision. She, too, felt Claire needed to move on and it would be nearly impossible to do if she were to go back to living in that big house all by herself.

“Where will you go?”

“I thought I'd get myself a small condo, down by the water. Jack always wanted to live near the ocean.” Claire took another sip. “I guess now I'm the one who wants to live by the ocean. The realtor will be by in the morning. She doesn't think it'll be difficult to sell. Apparently it's a seller's market.”

“Have you talked to Callum?” Gia asked. She already knew what had happened between Claire and Callum. Claire had called her as soon as she'd gotten home from Callum's house.

At first, Gia hadn't been able to decipher any of Claire's sobbings. Once Claire had caught her breath, though, the story had flooded out.

Gia felt Claire had made the wrong decision, but didn't say so. It hadn't been the right time. She fully planned on making her opinion known, though, when the opportunity arose. It might be tonight. It might be next month. But Gia was going to make sure Claire knew she'd made a huge mistake.

“No,” Claire said, shaking her head.

“Has he contacted you?”

Claire shrugged. “He's emailed me,” she said vaguely.

“What did he say?” Gia asked.

“It doesn't really matter,” Claire said, with a shake of her head. “There's nothing to say. He'll move on. He just needs some time.”

“And you?” Gia asked. “Will you be able to move on?”

Claire took another sip of her margarita before replying. “I'll move on, too.”

She smiled then, but the sorrow in her eyes betrayed her.

“Okay,” Claire said. “Enough about me. Tell me about the latest man in your life. I know there's gotta be one.”

•  •  •

Claire was exhausted by the time she got home. The packing had worn her out and, after dinner, Gia had convinced Claire to go see a
movie. It had been a romantic comedy which had caused Claire to miss Callum more, though she certainly didn't tell Gia so. Her friend didn't need to feel Claire's pain. She'd done enough of that after the accident.

Claire picked up her laptop and took it to bed with her. She spent some time scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed. She'd avoided the site for the first two years after the accident, not able to bear seeing all the families together, their happy faces staring back at her hurting one. But, in the last few months, she'd been spending more time on there. She'd lost touch with so many people. It felt good to finally be reconnecting, even if she'd only corresponded with a few. Mostly, she was a voyeur into the lives of others. She enjoyed reading their posts and looking at their photos, but rarely commented or hit the “like” button. She didn't really want people to know she was online again, at least not yet. For now, she was comfortable merely lurking in the background.

After Facebook, she clicked on the links to CNN and
People
, her two favorite news sources, though Jack had always told her
People
did not count as news.

When she'd exhausted all interesting stories, she opened her email account.

As she'd expected, there were three new emails from Callum.

Claire had promised Callum she wouldn't just desert the team and she hadn't. She'd shown up to sing on Friday night, but had made sure to arrive at the last minute, moments before she was to walk onstage. She'd purposely gone to the side of the stage opposite the one where Callum would be waiting in the wings. He'd stared at her, pleadingly, from the distance, but she'd averted her eyes.

She didn't look over at him during her song and, when it was over, she walked off the stage in the opposite direction. He had no choice but to roll out as soon as she was done and, by the time he finished his talk, Claire was long gone, in a taxi heading to the airport.

Claire had known she couldn't go home right away. She couldn't possibly walk away from Callum, her heart broken, and walk directly into her family's home. So, instead, she'd booked herself into a resort in Arizona for two full weeks. It'd seemed such an extravagant thing for Claire to do. She'd never before splurged on herself so, but, she figured, if anyone deserved two weeks of pampering, she did.

The first few days at the resort had been difficult. Despite her luxurious surroundings, Claire's heart had ached for Callum. She'd locked her cell phone in the safe in her room to avoid the urge to call him or answer his texts. She'd only allowed herself a half hour a day online. Each time she opened her email, there'd be numerous emails from Callum waiting in her inbox.

She hadn't opened a single one.

Instead, she'd created a folder, which she called, “Him,” and upon seeing there was another email from Callum, she'd immediately drag it to the folder, unopened.

She and Callum had now been apart for three weeks and she could tell, by the little number alongside the “Him” folder, he'd sent her forty-seven emails.

That didn't include the numerous texts he'd sent or calls she'd ignored.

Claire felt terrible. Not only did she miss and long for Callum, but she knew she was being rude by completely ignoring him. However, she also knew herself. She was easily swayed. It would only take one email to derail her from what she needed to do. Callum was better off without her. He'd come to realize that, in time. He'd come to understand she'd loved him enough to let him go.

Claire quickly moved each of Callum's three new emails into the “Him” folder and logged out of her email account. Just as quickly, she closed her laptop and placed it on the floor next to her bed.

The movie, tonight, had made Claire miss Callum even more. The happy banter between the couple on the screen had reminded her
of the ease with which she and Callum had laughed and joked together. If the longing in her chest had caused an ache before the movie, it was creating nearly unbearable pain now.

Claire picked up her cell phone and turned off the sound. She didn't want to hear it when she got a new text or call from Callum, as she knew she would. He always called her at bedtime. It didn't matter that they were no longer together, he still called her every single night, even though she'd never once picked up since she'd left.

She pulled the covers up over her ears and closed her eyes. She knew it was unlikely she'd fall asleep. She hadn't had a good night's sleep since she'd left Callum. But that didn't mean she couldn't try.

One day, she'd eventually sleep through the night again. She couldn't go on missing Callum forever.

Or maybe she could.

As Claire snuggled up, under the covers, she remembered a conversation she'd once had with her mom. Claire had been a junior in high school, just beginning to date boys. She'd come home, positively giddy because a senior boy had asked her to the prom. Her mom had smiled at Claire, happy for her, but there'd been a note of caution in her voice.