The Power of Forgetting (21 page)

‘We all need to
decide the route. Will you come in a moment or too?’

‘Why are you
being so reasonable?’ she says.

‘I…. would like
you come in please. You are needed. Your opinion on the road we’ll
choose to go on.’

‘Okay….’ She
looks down; I’m just turning away when she grabs me by the arm,
‘Don’t give up on me Jared!’ her nails are digging into my muscle
quite painfully but I don’t struggle.

‘Janey…. It’s
alright,’ I speak calmly to her. Her eyes flutter as if she is
waking. She breathes in, looks at me directly.

‘Why do you
have to be so kind right now?’ she asks, ‘How can I go back now?
This is getting difficult. She has your company all the time. But
remember I’m doing it to help us all. George will have enough info
to bury the bastards once and for all when I’m finished with them!
But then maybe we just have to outsmart them…. like I’m one of
Charlie’s Angels don’t you think?’

‘What have you
been doing?’ I ask her.

‘You mean what
I have been taking?’ she retorts, ‘I know you Jared, remember!’

‘No…’ I say
carefully, ‘I would like to know what you mean…. all that you just
said.’

‘Wouldn’t you
just; you devil of a man! And to think I adored you so much!’

‘Janey…. I
think you can let go now. It does hurt.’ I’m really not able to
block out the pain for much longer. She has an incredibly strong
grip.

‘Oliver!’ I
shout. But they are already coming out of the tent to find me. Joe
and Oliver come towards us. Oliver Takes Janey’s arm and presses
something. She winces and immediately lets go of me.

‘Now explain
this…. Right now!’ Oliver says to her; but she looks glazed.

Joe pulls me
away from her.

‘What’s going
on?’ it’s Adam. He takes the whole scenario in in one sweep and
turns back to the tent. I suppose with the intention of keeping the
others from seeing what just happened. But they are all here.
Marcia seems impassive. ‘Joe; sort him out.’ she says, ‘Adam,
James; keep Janey here. Oliver; Take Davey back inside….and make
him stays there until I find out what actually happened.’

‘She didn’t
mean it!’ I said.

‘See to him
Joe.’ Marcia orders, her mouth set in a hard line. I turn slightly
to see blood coming through my left sleeve.

Joe is still
tending to my arm when Oliver comes in to the small pod set aside
as a medical bay.

‘Bloody Women!’
said Oliver and added something in Welsh.

‘That’s
enough!’ said Joe.

‘Sorry.’ Oliver
regains his composure immediately.

‘I don’t know
what happened.’ I said, ‘I just asked her to join us and then she
reacted…. I really don’t understand what happened.’

‘Does it hurt?’
Joe asked me.

‘She didn’t
mean it.’ I said.

‘Jared! Does it
hurt?’ Joe pulls me back to the here and now.

‘Yes.’ I
said.

‘How much?’

‘Quite a
bit.’

‘A lot then.’
Joe replied, and gave Oliver a look that spoke volumes. Oliver left
and Joe found and unlocked the drugs case.

‘The female of
the species is more deadly than the male.’ He said lightly.

‘That’s a
song.’ I said.

‘I believe it’s
in the lyrics of something somewhere.’ He said, ‘here, I have
something for you.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Water?’

‘I…err, yes.’ I
took the tablets. Joe was not to be argued with when in this
authoritative state of mind.

Ten minutes
later, I was back in the main tent. The sheet was still spread out
on the camping table. Davey was sat in one of the chairs. Oliver is
stood with his arms folded. At that moment Marcia came back in
looking grim.

‘We aren’t
going to be able to get away until after lunch. This has rather
buggered up our plans. Sorry folks.’

‘What did she
say?’ I asked.

‘Not much.’
Marcia replied, ‘but then, I expected that.’

‘So what is
your opinion?’

‘That you sit
down Jared, right now.’ Marcia was being cold towards me; which
meant something. I just wasn’t sure what.

Joe left and
then after a few minutes Adam came back in.

‘This will be
all of us for now. Joe and James will make sure Janey is alright.’
Adam looked at me as he spoke.

‘So what was
going on?’ Oliver asked me.

‘I don’t know.’
I said in a fed up kind of voice. I was just so sick of Janey, and
her little dramas.

They all
regarded me in silence.

‘Hang on a
minute!’ I looked at them in shock, ‘you think I did something to
make her react like that?’

‘Did you?’
asked Adam doubtfully.

I just stared
at them all; I think I must have looked frightened.

‘What’s going
on?’ I said. My voice was trembling. I looked down at my right
hand. It was shaking.

‘What did you
say to Janey?’ Davey spoke at last. He was on his feet.

‘Nothing…. I
don’t know. I was just asking her to join us.’

‘Then what
happened?’ Marcia spoke this time.

‘She…. just
went weird. I don’t know…. she grabbed my arm. She wouldn’t let
go!’ I could feel myself starting to panic. Something was wrong.
Something was nibbling at the edges. They were all stood up; I was
sitting. They are standing over me. I’m breathing too fast. I know
that if I react badly they will think I did that with Janey…. I
know. Can I trust my friends?

‘Look,’ said
Adam in a reasonable “grown up” kind of voice, ‘Just tell us
exactly what happened. You know we have to log all incidents. You
know that, don’t you Jared?’

I can’t
breathe. Even Marcia looks at me questioningly.

‘Of course I
didn’t do anything to her!’ The words burst out. Do I sound a bit
crazy?

‘She says you
did.’ Adam looks at me.

I’m on my feet
then. ‘Damn her bloody lies! She’s a vindictive little witch!’ I
shout, ‘I didn’t do anything to her. I didn’t say anything to her!
I swear it…. She hurt me…. She said things to me!’ I try to get out
of the tent, I need some air. Away from all of it. Away from Janey.
Away from this whole thing. Davey stands in my way.

‘You’re not
going anywhere.’ He says. I cannot read his expression. But I’m
certain my comments have not gone down too well.

‘Please. I need
some air! Please….’ I push past them all out towards the rock that
I was standing on maybe only half an hour before.

‘Jared!’
someone shouts, but I’m not listening. I circle the rock and dip
down a small incline into the nearby belt of forest. I feel the
clammy slippery feeling of fear that I cannot control. I stumble
then into the trees. I just need a place to be alone. I can’t bear
it. I can’t stand it now…. she’s gone too far…. I don’t know what
she said but that is enough! I hate her! And I hate them all for
believing her rather than me. I was always the one to blame! That’s
how it works…. It’s the naughty boy….it can’t be the sweet,
innocent, helpless girl.

Well done
Davey! I hear Marcia yell with extreme sarcasm, why can’t you let
us handle it? I hear them talking. I’m not actually far away. I
slither down a tree. I’m sat in a grassy hollow and there are trees
all around. People are awful creatures, I decide. I want to stay
here; I want to be alone. They never needed me. The unfairness of
it stings me so badly. Just because of Janey…I’m the bad guy;
again.

She would never
leave me alone. She would never let me be. She followed me round
like some little shadow. I was glad to leave. It was better after I
got my own place. We saw each other enough to satisfy her crazy
devotion; but not enough for me to start getting angry. Mother
understood. She knew how Janey stirred it up. Karis would take her
side and my father would let the argument stand. I realised now he
was afraid for her. Her saw how we were both so fragile….so lacking
peace of mind; but he saw that Laura adored me and gave me that
security and acceptance when he was away on the long tours. What a
job! Who would want it? Wanderlust…. No not really. Janey wanted us
all together getting along. How the hell did we end up on the same
expedition? How? That was easy. Rimmington! And his bloody mind
games…with Hanson reeling the people in for him. So easy. I’d been
played from the beginning. A fucking experiment! It has to stop… it
has to end….

It runs down
into silence after a while. I end up watching the leaves move. I’m
not thinking; not feeling. I am though…. but it’s shoved down deep
inside. Deep down where the subconscious part of me excludes all
else. Some damn expedition! Why did she have to be here? I realised
that the best part of it was when Janey wasn’t there. How she
drives me crazy! Of course it is not really true…. Whatever is
going on inside me….it isn’t to do with her. She is just an excuse
that I can use. It’s too easy… way too easy. I blink a few times.
There they are…. Salty drops of that internal sea. The one I try to
not let fall. I realise with a sudden kind of shock that Janey
never cries. I don’t remember seeing it. I can never remember
that…. Whereas I am tearful at the slightest provocation. Well I
was…. that little boy. She mocked me. I see her running in my
mind’s eye, shouting to one of the people in the village. ‘Jared is
crying again!’ Again. With one word she denounced me. And grown up
Janey is so much cleverer than that, so much more devious and has
so many more weapons at her disposal. I can’t beat her….

But of course
that is what she wants me to try to do. That way she has all the
attention. The attention that I don’t want…. yet I have got without
even trying. Weird.

This all goes
back to the accident. The drive. Or the fatality…. Which? Which
outcome did we choose? Which world do I want to live in? Where
there are giants, there I knew the good, pure woman. No more the
feckless girl. How have we come to this? Then she was in the
mountain before that…. She said she slipped out of the cuffs.
Rimmington wouldn’t have made such a fundamental mistake. There has
to be an explanation. I offered myself to him. He could have killed
me. Why didn’t he accept my offer?

Suddenly I
realise I’ve missed something. Something important. Was I really
paying attention? He needed me for something. But what? He needed
me alive…. That was it. I was no use to him dead. He had to get me
out because…. Because. The experiment is still running… is it? Or
have we been made to believe that?

Janey slipped
the cuffs? She said she did. Did she lie? She was telling the
truth; at least she thought she was telling the truth.

Something else.
Later…. Later… something will be; what? Will be……

My train of
thought is broken. I think I can hear someone moving through the
bushes. I need more time to think. I need time to reason something
out. But there is no time. How long have I been here? Only about
twenty minutes; maybe half an hour at the most. They can wait.
Anyone with an ounce of outdoor tracking experience would find me
in a matter of minutes. Ergo: they know where I am. They are just
waiting for me to calm down and come back to the camp.

I walk back
into the tent. Everyone is there except Janey. They all look up at
me. Contrition on Davey’s face especially. I sit down. James
disappears, and a few minutes later brings me coffee. I can feel
something is coming. Perhaps I already know.

‘I think we are
all sorry for what just happened.’ said Oliver.

‘Nevertheless,’
Joe said, ‘I have to advise what is best for the group. You
understand that Jared?’

‘Yes,’ I look
at him steadily, ‘Of course I do.’

‘That is why…’
Oliver said evenly, ‘we must do what we have to do. Because we all
need to keep it together.’

‘Yes.
Naturally.’ I reply. I know I’m closing off. It might be days
before I can speak to any of them with more than two or three
words.

‘It’s just…’
Marcia begins.

‘It’s fine;’ I
cut in, ‘I see it. You will clear me of the Team Leader position
because of being unfit…. mentally unstable, and emotionally
compromised.’

‘I wouldn’t go
so far as to say that…’ Davey began.

Joe cuts across
him; ‘That’s right,’ he said firmly, ‘you will be given a copy of
the log entry if you wish to keep it in your personal journal.’

‘I don’t think
I want to amuse myself in quite that fashion. I don’t require a
copy thank you.’ I look down into the cup, ‘good coffee. Is there
any more?’

James
immediately takes my cup and goes to refill it.

‘This is not
about…. what just happened; not entirely,’ said Oliver, ‘this has
been on the cards for quite a while. Do you accept that?’

‘Yes.’ I said
and took the full cup from James. I have nothing more to say. No
confession. No discussion. They will get nothing out of me. I will
tell them nothing. As for Janey; as long as she stays out of my
way, I’ll be quite humble and compliant. I never wanted to prime
spot anyway. This is not my idea of fun.

‘Are we done
now?’ I ask coldly.

‘Yes…. Yes, I
think so.’ said Adam glancing at Marcia. She nodded slightly her
cheeks ashen, her expression hard, yet shocked. Perhaps the
necessity of it was what made her do it. For the good of the
group.

‘Fine.’ I stand
up.

‘Where are you
going?’ Joe asks me.

‘I am going to
have a cigarette. On my own. Outside. And then I will do exactly
what Marcia asks me to; or you Joe or Oliver. Leader; Doc; Deputy
Leader.’ I point at each in turn. Is that right?’

‘Yes.’ said
Marcia.

I ignored her
frozen expression and go with at least the outward appearance of
calm to find my pack, and dig out the pack of black Russians.
Sweet. Just in a moment and then I will forget it all. Deliberately
wipe it all out. As if it never existed at all.

We broke camp
after a very quiet lunch. I was put in the navigator’s position:
front left seat. Marcia and Adam were just behind. Further back Joe
and Davey. James was right in the back with Janey. The compartment
divider had been put in place and later they swapped round with
Adam going to sit with Janey. Joe chatted with Marcia as we rode
along, as he was in the third seat back on the driver’s side. I
don’t know what happened in the back. Nor did I want to know. Davey
didn’t say a word. I was kept busy as we made progress to the
bottom skirt of these two steep sides of mountain ridges. Down here
we couldn’t see the tops. A decision was imminent. I was pretty
sure that I knew what it would be. I knew that the quality of my
driving was not in any way impaired by what had happened. But
naturally I didn’t expect them to trust me until we had at least
slept on it.