The Power of Forgetting (9 page)

‘I can’t… I
can’t….’ I was trying to get a lung full of air and couldn’t. It
was too warm in here.

I forced myself
to my feet and pushed through them all into the men’s room.
Fortunately, both the cubicles were free. I dived for the nearest
one.

I felt like the
whole world was trying to be puked out. I remembered our fall out
of that gap in the Terrain vehicle; when I first knew Davey. I
wasn’t good with things like that. Violette thinks it’s in my mind.
But that doesn’t really help… I told her; that’s all very well but
it ends up in my body. So tell me how to stop that happening! I
feel it tumbling over and over. Thankfully no one comes in. I flush
the loo, but stay there until the horrible feeling recedes. It was
my own fault. I wasn’t listening. They did tell me. What had I
done? Broken through? Just like Karis said; the rare thing that
doesn’t normally happen. It’s like being the only person that you
know who is allergic to something. Being sick is so embarrassing. I
don’t think of the times as a child… but then I think that it
started after that thing that happened when I was nearly
eight….

Someone else
comes in. I’ve got the door shut.

‘Jared?’

‘Who is
it?’

‘It’s
Janey.’

‘Okay…. Are
they all finding it amusing?’

‘No.’ she says,
‘I just did the same thing.’

‘You did?’ I
flush again, and open the door.

She is standing
there with her cheeks unnaturally flushed and her mascara a bit
smudged.

‘Were you
sick?’

‘Nearly.’ she
said

‘What is Karis
playing at?’

‘She’s trying
to help us.’ Janey got out a tissue.

I went to my
sister and hugged her; ‘dear Angel, don’t be sad. Perhaps we need
to face some training. What do you think?’

‘I think I’m
putting smudges on your favourite shirt.’

‘That’s
alright…. I’ve got three in that colour.’

She sobbed once
and clung on to me; ‘I was always scared to find out. But now I’m
scared not to. We need to train… and learn to control it.’

‘Yes.’ I said,
‘don’t cry Angel. Let’s go and tell Karis. We’ll arrange to go and
see her.’

‘Yes…Yes. We
must.’ She went to the sink and ran a little water in. she got a
paper towel and dipped it in.

‘What are you
doing?’ I asked.

‘Trying to
achieve normality.’ She said.

‘Here… let me.’
I took another, dampened it and wiped the smudges away, ‘There.
That’s better.’

‘You do still
Love me then?’ she said. Her voice was like Janey Amber again.
Science girl.

‘Always,’ I
said, ‘You are the other half of me… I don’t think we were supposed
to be two people. Just one. And something got split the wrong
way.’

She laughed in
spite of herself, ‘that’s not biologically logical. We’d have to be
two girls or two boys for that to be true.’

‘Well then,’ I
said, ‘You and I are one spirit divided into a boy and a girl. And
we are each other’s subconscious.’

‘I like that.’
she said, ‘I’ll sleep and you can wake. And then we can be together
in heaven, after everything.’

‘Yes… when
there is no more confusion.’ I touched her cheek, ‘what should we
say to Davey and Marcia?’

‘I think,’ said
Janey, ‘we each need to love them and be with them. Violette is
right. She knows what happens. We’ll not keep sane if we don’t find
something good in others.’

‘Dad said that
too.’

‘He did?’ she
looks up at me.

‘He said to not
to be afraid.’

‘It’s a fine
balance.’

‘As long as
they both understand it.’ I swept my hand over her hair, and bent
to kiss her.

‘What are we?’
she asked me then.

‘I don’t know.’
I went to the sink and ran some water and splashed it over my face.
I looked in the mirror and saw us reflected. There was a faint halo
around Janey, which I could see. And this time it was not twisting
and writhing, but softly glowing.

‘Mother knows,’
said Janey, ‘but she won’t say.’

‘It’s true.’ I
turned round then, ‘just promise me one thing; That you will not
leave us.’

‘As long as you
will not leave us.’ she said. Her face had gone pale and her eyes
seemed enormous.

‘Will you stay
with Davey?’ I asked her.

‘Yes. I Love
him, desperately.’ she said, ‘but I love you too. That force of
nature… that burns. I must get Karis to help me control it.’

‘I had Sam
suggest that I marry Marcia.' I felt strange to say it out loud,
'What do you think?’

I suddenly saw
Janey light up inside, and change to the glowing smile that only
was seen occasionally. She bounced up and down on her toes, and
caught hold of my hand.

‘Oh Jared! I
know that you should; all the time you talked about her to me, I
mean, it’s obvious! And on the plus side she is the only person who
accepts your crazy sister!’

‘Who? Oh.’ then
I was puzzled, ‘I talked about her? You mean in Cloud Field?’

‘Yes. All the
time.’

‘I don’t
remember.’

‘I do.’ She
looked away then, and said: ‘I think I feel better now.
Clearer…’

‘Yes,’ readied
myself to face my critical crowd. ‘At least you didn’t knock the
chairs over.

‘I spilled cola
over someone’s handbag.’ she laughed suddenly.

‘Let’s get out
of here.’

We went out
hand in hand.

David Morel was
there looking contrite. Karis was stood near.

‘Come,’ said
Karis, ‘sit down. Would you like to finish your drink?’

‘I think… yes.
Not to waste a good black sheep eh?’

‘Are you
alright now?’ asked Morel

‘I think
yes…’

‘I should have
realised. I’m sorry.’

‘You weren’t to
know. This family makes a point of being the odd ones out about
everything. It was like the only one who gets chicken pox in a
group of kids…., or the one person to get a prize in the tombola at
the village fair that really is something you can’t use. Typical
Arden magic!’ I smile at him in that slight way, ‘you showed us
something useful. Thank you.’

‘Right…well.
That’s good.’ He said, ‘I can do other things in this area. But
that is definitely for another day.’

Later at home,
I sprawled in a comfy chair, with a pile of cushions. After the
unexpected incident with me and Janey, Leo had been very decisive
and herded everyone out. We went to the local fish shop. Saturday
lunch time. We were eating open rather than wrapped. Morel offered
to pay, but Leo just said 'It's fine.'

We had returned
via the lower path that circled to the edge of the little woodland
area, and the fields I played in as a child. Ten minutes ago we got
in. I tipped my head back and back to see the room upside down.
Comfy chairs were greater in number than the average family home.
We had a lot of books too, in six-foot-high shelves. They were
black and white art photos in picture frames against one feature
wall that was a dark red; the rest was neutral, except the chairs.
Deep colours. Comforting colours. A low table in the middle: on it
a stack of coasters, candles in glass holders, and three puzzles -
wooden mind-bending ones. I remembered the pleasure of Christmas as
a little boy when I got a whole set of them all to myself. They
were upstairs in my room carefully displayed. I knew each one, the
wonderful feel of the wooden pieces as they slid through my
fingers.

It was very
quiet right now. Everyone else was either in the garden, or in the
kitchen. I never minded that feeling for being alone…. if I knew
that people who cared about me were somewhere not far away. I
wasn’t an especially clingy child…. not until that day….

After that I
had deliberately set myself the task of being as disconnected as
possible; a self-imposed exile to counter the humiliating feelings
of fear and shame. I thought of myself as “not part of all that” …
until today. Janey had to agree to train too. Then I would. And as
for Marcia; I was working out in my head how I ought to propose to
her. It sounds weird I know; but without Janey actually pushing me
with such positive enthusiasm I would have frozen up about even
thinking about it. How do women cope with waiting for the guy to
get the idea he should say something first? Then again; (here I
thought it through), perhaps Marcia had mentioned something along
those lines to Sam… No, that wouldn’t be. Somehow, the impression I
got was that they always seemed to know beforehand what was going
to happen…. What if she doesn’t? What if she says no? I sat back up
as someone came in the room. It was Leo, with two mugs of tea. He
sat down and handed me one. We sat there, just sipping. My father
and I had silences like these… moments calmly ticking past that
would eventually surface with some congruent thought. But not
today…

‘I think you
should go back to London.’ He said. He regarded me seriously.

I wasn’t
expecting him to say this. The obvious question was “Why?” but it
hardly needed voicing as Leo often approached things in this way.
Gave you the initial statement, let it sink in, and then qualified
what he had just said.

'Son. I am
concerned for you. I want you here. I just worry about you.' Leo
looked at me over the rim of his tea mug. There was that totally
unexpected thing: doubt. I really didn't know how to respond. But I
certainly didn't want to go back just yet.

'I need your
advice,' I said, 'On another thing.... it’s kind of personal. But I
just want to know how to....' I trailed off and looked up at
him.

Leo was very
still, as if he was listening. 'I am really unqualified in that
area.'

'But
Mother...'

'About giving
advice.' he said quickly, 'I am only an expert on Laura. Not anyone
else. She is an advanced level Lady. Years of study to unravel the
mysteries.' he grinned then, 'she's a patient woman. And one thing
I do know... She is better at this than I am.'

'Mother is
so.... Spirited. How did you start out?'

'You mean, Get
Married?' Leo put the cup down, 'I guess you just have to do what
feels, well.... right.'

'But when? I
haven't anything to give her. I have a career that is totally
unstable.' I was moaning now.

'You and me
both,' said Leo, 'I nearly fell off a roof last week!'

‘You know what
I mean Dad!’ I looked away.

‘Come now!
Haven’t got anything to give? I think there’s something you’re not
telling me.’

‘About what
happened last autumn?’ I could hear my own voice getting lower and
more growly. I was trying to find something else to say to be
casual and dismissive, when Leo suddenly stood up.

‘Come with me.’
He said. I complied instantly. There was something in his tone that
I recognised from long ago. Perhaps even last summer. He had talked
a little then…about my plans. But it was lost in the drift of
memory. Last summer, and ten years ago. I felt then, all of a
sudden that he really knew. And what had happened, he was in some
ways aware of. I felt almost embarrassed to admit that I had grown
in to a man. I had lived such a life, for all that time. And yet
hardly any time had passed here….

We were in the
back parts of the house. Leo came to a little door, and unlocked it
with a key he produced from somewhere. He held out his hand to
me.

‘This will be a
little strange…. please don’t feel I’m trying to confuse you. You
need to know, something of what I know.’

‘I put my hand
into his. And he pushed open the door. I had never been in here.
And had perhaps thought it was just a cupboard. But no. there was
something else there was well. We moved slowly but smoothly over
the threshold in to a little space that was slightly dusty. The
floor was well trod though. I felt a faint tingle over my whole
body as we passed inside. Leo reached back with one hand, and
pushed the door shut behind him. He seemed even taller than normal,
and had stooped to get in under the lintel.

I was dark in
there, a small window high up admitted some light. But there was
also a faint light coming from somewhere else. For some reason I
edged closer to him.

‘I must show
you something now Jared, that may seem alarming, perhaps impossible
would be better word.' he looked down at me. My father; this
strange giant of a man, who I had adored as long as I could
remember. In my imagination, he had battled dragons and monsters. I
was stripped of any pretension of mature adulthood in those next
few minutes. Only the things that were really true about me
remained.

And the things
that shone the most brightly and glowed in my mind were my friends:
Marcia, Davey, Oliver, Janey Amber, Jules (the best of the science
guys), Adam, Joe, James, Nikolas (a real eye for a picture) and
lastly young Peter who had struggled so much with the physical
demands of our adventures on the ice field.... but always made me
smile. If I had ever been a good leader (as both Davey and Marcia
had told me), it was because of the people in the team. Loyalty and
even Love like that was something I had not found before.... And
Aiden had taught me something too. You can only be human if you
care about something beyond yourself. And now I had started to
really care about something. I would never have dared face Hanson;
my pitiful ex-friend, if I had not had Aiden and Ellen, and all the
others behind me.

I saw another
door open. At first I could not make out the place or the shapes
that refused to resolve themselves into anything I recognised. We
stepped forward. I felt a very strong pulse of energy, and I lost
my footing. Leo pulled me to my feet. What I saw astonished me. And
yet…. somehow, I remembered something deep in the well of
memory.

There was my
parents’ house….and yet it wasn’t. yet, and yet it was; somehow
brighter; bigger….as if more real. Slowly stepping down that
hallway towards the room with all the seating. We walk gently,
slowly. The air felt different. As if it was perfumed; and yet I
couldn’t smell anything. Or perhaps I could. There… the room opened
out. An I fell to my knees. Someone stood near the fireplace. And I
knew them; yes, I did. So long ago. And I felt so small; just like
I had then. She turned. I was afraid. Leo was kneeling now, his arm
around me. The room seemed so bright.