The Power of Forgetting (4 page)

‘Marcia, you
will keep him with you for the next day. For heaven’s sake make him
eat something!’

‘Doc, I’m
here!’ I reminded her.

‘Yes,’ Violette
was smiling in an amused way. But really she was trying to stop
being too intense. Davey’s influence; or perhaps Marcia had been
plying her with chocolate cake.

Marcia and
Violette hugged each other and Violette left the building to get a
taxi that had just arrived outside. I let them deal with it all.
The cigarette was finished, but I still craved something else.
Perhaps as a condition I could tell a little of my story before
indulging any desire. Out there in the icy land of all our fantasy
I had hardly wanted anything; not even to smoke. Yet other things
intruded on my thoughts instead. Back here I was feeling
directionless and a little lost.

I turned to see
the two of them come back in. I supposed that Davey would want to
see Janey soon. It would seem obvious that she would come here. But
I felt as if I could not ask. My beloved sister…. I loved her with
that kind of obsessive devotion that was weirdly discomforting to
those who did not understand it. She was better than all the other
girls. She was my Angel, my flipside. Often, she would be in the
mood the opposite to mine. We were twins….and had that connection
that was stronger than normal siblings. Yet she was like a
dangerous poison too; when she was feeling out of sorts. I wanted
her to be happy. And it was only finding Davey that had stopped her
driving herself into the ground with work.

When we were
little; she was that grubby child who refused to brush her hair,
and was muddied from top to toe after one of her creature hunting
adventures outside in the woods and farmland near our childhood
home. She would collect creepy crawlies, while I was finding rocks
and leaves more interesting. I clothed my imagination. And that is
why I paint now. I became the artist, and she the scientist. Funny
how they don’t seem so different… we both like to look, and wonder.
If Janey saw the atoms dancing I would see the spectrum of colours
in a sunset. We loved the same things for different reasons. And
those strange little children became us two; independent, complete
without others. Even after we had both moved on.

As for girls….
I was the boy that they all threw themselves at… for about five
minutes that is, until I opened my mouth and said anything about
the things I was actually interested in. Then it was only later,
that determined girls would try to seduce me. I was lonely and was
easily conned. They thought I must be worldly, but I plainly was
not; and most despised me. And more to the point they despised my
sister, and wanted to separate us permanently. Janey could not bear
it when she had everything going right, then some guy got jealous
of me turning up just to talk to her. They actually thought she was
lying when she told them I was her brother… I suppose it was the
body language. Janey is a very physical person. She likes or
dislikes someone and shows it with how she moves around them…. I
feel a cringing feeling as I think of Hanson again. Out there in
the Ice fields, all the normal rules were misapplied. Janey was
another one of his seductions. That was why she was so antagonistic
towards him later. Like Lorraine was to me. I crawled away from the
very thought of that woman. She was out for all the boys in our
circle at college and wasn’t particular on being exclusive to one
at a time. I think… but I have no proof that she was running me,
Hanson and another lad all at the same time. That wasn’t the only
thing to say about her. But the rest only makes sense, with the
rest of the things that I felt at last I ought to tell Marcia and
Davey.

We are sitting
together, the three of us. Marcia has placed a plate of snacks in
the middle of the small table. I nibble at them absently.

‘You said there
was something else,’ Davey picked up a spring onion and looks at me
expectantly, ‘hadn’t we better wait for Janey?’

‘She knows
about this…’ I said, ‘it’s less uncomfortable for her if I let you
know what has been the real difficultly all this time.’ I wasn’t
sure how to proceed so I just let my eyes lose focus and bit into a
cheese cube.

‘Jared….
Jared?’ Marcia’s voice is quiet insistent.

‘What?’ I stare
at her.

‘Please talk to
us,’ she said in a puzzled way, ‘are you back now?’

‘Where had I
been?’ I asked her and putting some crisps on my plate.

‘You are
drifting,’ she said, ‘perhaps we better do this on another
day?’

‘No! I mean no…
I need to say now.’ I look at her fully for the first time since
she arrived at the flat. She seems startled. ‘What is it?’ I asked
her then.

Marcia moves
round and sits next to me and takes my left hand in both of hers;
‘You are very…. well distracted, after what happened earlier. I was
hoping that we could find a way to cheer you up?’ She looks
doubtful, a little edgy even. I sense that this may be Violette’s
doing. But I can’t get annoyed. Not really after the way I’ve
reacted in the past to Marcia and Davey…. They are both patient
people. Marcia was always a good friend. I think we haven’t found
our level yet, and this uncertainty is making things difficult for
everyone in our little foursome. It’s a fragile vulnerable time for
all of us. Janey and Davey are still dodging around each other. And
strangely so are Marcia and I. Relationships that are so important
that we all feel a little wary of pushing things too fast. I think
the girls are the ones who’ve decided to be more laid back on that
front…no pressure, all of that. I think Violette had been giving
out advice from the point of view of one who knows she can get her
own way, and knows when to push it and when to let it go. I guess I
don’t mind the fact of Marcia being the decision maker in all of
this. She is far more sensible about everything than the rest of
us. Davey is still getting used to the idea of have a girl around
who actually likes him. Our world back here in the place that is
not Sandglass is rather uncomfortable. I suppose it like being
released from prison; it takes a lot of adjusting to. Some of us
were out there for years. Only Davey had the crash course; the rest
of, including I suppose Hanson, were there in our time for at least
ten years. It takes it out of you. Like a dream, there is more
time, but we are still young. Does my old self that inhabits this
younger body know how to behave? Jules is the only one who had been
there longer than I had, and he was close to cracking by the end.
It took all of Violette’s powers of patience and understanding to
put up with a lot of things that have happened since. Some of them
don’t fade, but come back periodically. It’s like getting some
virus in your system. You never really get rid of it. You learn to
overcome. I was dead, or at the very most unconscious… how was I to
learn how to live again? She doesn’t know, and I have to tell her.
Right now, before I lose my resolve to confess all. But this has
eaten away at me long enough, and if we are all to be honest
friends we should begin to tell each other the truth.

My eyes slide
into focus. Marcia is sitting with her head bowed down as if she is
sleeping, her arms are folded. Davey is sitting back in the chair
and staring at the ceiling, neither make a move, or speak.

‘I’m sorry,’ I
began, ‘this has been a long time in the telling. But you will see
why… I will have to tell it the way it comes out. Please forgive me
for that. I don’t know how this ends. I only know where I am at
now. And Janey may feel a lot different from me. Please let her
tell you in her own way… please don’t press her to say anything.
This has taken years. And you two are the first people outside or
our immediate family who will know this thing I am about to
confess.’

‘Is this about
your older sister?’ Davey asked.

‘Yes. That is
part of the reason you don’t see her much either. I will ask her to
show you something that I can’t. It isn’t just about her and us
two.’ I involuntarily shut my eyes for a moment, I took a big
breath; ‘this is about our parents too. And I hope that they won’t
be cross…. But the pressure inside my head is so great; I think
I’ll really go mad if I don’t release it soon.’

‘Do tell us.’
Davey simply held out both hands.

‘I am in the
middle of a paradoxical tension pulled taut like a violin string.’
I held out my other hand to Davey. He immediately gripped my right
hand with a sharp pinch that was partly nervous curiosity.

‘I am not very
good at this. You need to understand that. But the things that
happened on the expedition are similar to the effects that you may
sense. So you are already aware that it happens and can make you
feel a little odd, yes?’

‘That’s fine…’
Marcia said, ‘is there anything else we need to know before you….
Err,’

I smiled then:
‘I might not be able to find the sequence. I have to remember
something I have wanted to bury down inside for as long as I have
been a grown up.’ I looked from one to the other, ‘I’m sorry if
this feels discomforting in anyway okay?’

‘Alright.’ said
Marcia,

‘I’m ready.’
said Davey, sitting up straighter in the chair.

I reach inside.
There is a sequence to unlock. It is a mental barrier that has been
put there deliberately. I find the first then the second. And each
one like a rusty lock that with a squirt of the right lubricant,
slides easily open.

The last
barrier. I feel that spinning in my stomach again. But it’s
different to the other things that have happened because this time
it is me who is in the controlling position. I am still at war with
myself, this is just a temporary truce. Each barrier placed in the
mind had a key and a lock it fits. Usually a mental image that must
be placed on the right and on the left, and are then brought
together in the middle. Then the door opens in your mind and you
can go into the next level. I have ten of these locks and keys.
Seven is usually more than adequate. I asked for this many because
it made it exponentially harder to get the final code. And I have
always been afraid of what might happen if I didn’t keep the thing
locked away; especially after what happened the last time.

I gasp as the
last key unlocks. My mind feels fluid and eased in a way that I
have never felt before. Marcia and Davey now feel like grounding
weights that will stop me from floating up into the deep blue of
the sky and communing with the stars.

‘Davey!’ I look
at him.

‘I’m fine he
says, and smiles a half smile. Easily the most understanding friend
and faithful companion I have ever known.

‘Jared…. Oh
Jared!’ Marcia is staring at me wide eyed. Her expression is of joy
and sorrow mixed together. I sense it then. That lifting inside
myself, communicated through our touch and proximity in the room.
She knows, she just knows; that I have been released. What does she
see? Her eyes search my face. She is caught in something powerfully
intense for her. She is generating a charge like the deep throated
sound of singing in a wild land at night. The sound is moving
through me and it calms my mind. I feel a sense of control. We are
not moving, were are still and there in normal time effortlessly
gliding. I am getting lighter and lighter. But I am still sitting
in the same place at the same time on the same day. Davey laughs,
‘I see something… I see you running across a field. You’re really
little.’

I see the
memory too, potent, simple, and pure; before I was afraid. I had
forgotten it until now, the simple joy of a child running. And I
see Janey running too. But now it is time to stop….

I lock the
first gently, then the second, and the third, still okay. Then one
by one each set of images turning against each other and then
dissipating. And finally the last one. Softly it folds apart. And
now I am the one to sit with my head bowed.

Marcia’s eyes
are glowing as she looks up at me, kneeling now on the floor. She
is concentrating on me so completely I forget everything else.

‘Jared…
Jared….’ She moved quickly and pressed her lips against mine. This
was soft and simple and like a summer day. Just like the joy of
running through the field with a formidable sense of delight. I am
overtaken with a joy that was only like one other thing; that day
at the pool. She kissed me that way then, but I had forgotten. All
these dark dreams later and now I felt free.

But I must not
be complacent.

‘I need for you
both to let go of me now,’ I said, ‘it’s just a precaution. Just
for a couple of minutes and then I am sure the whole sequence in my
mind is set back into the place it came out of.’

‘What just
happened?’ Davey asked me as he withdrew his hand and picked the
small plate up again.

‘I was just
starting the car… and err sitting with the engine humming in
neutral; in a manner of speaking. We didn’t go anywhere. But that
is the first time in a lot of years that I’ve done that. I was
afraid to before you see. You and Marcia acted as anchors for me. I
have never tried to tandem travel, so I certainly couldn’t do it
with two of you holding on even if I was trying to move.’

‘What?’ Davey
picks up another spring onion, ‘do you mean that there was
more?’

‘It’s like
being in the mountain….’ I try to explain, but Marcia
interrupts.

‘How long has
it been since you knew you were like this?’ she was speaking very
quietly, almost a whisper.

‘Since I was
seven years old,’ I said, ‘there is a test that you take. Before I
had chance to do this. Before then, something happened and I was
lost for quite a while. I could not get home, and it scared
me.’

‘Lost in the
forest?’ asked Marcia.

‘Yes. Bu the
forest was time. And the way back was not by conventional means. I
can move the moments around me… at least I’m told I can do so. But
I am never going to use it… unless there is a very good
reason.’