The Power of Forgetting (7 page)

‘Do you want to
go anywhere?’ he asked me.

‘Not right now,
but tell me what did you mean?’

‘I wanted to
explain why I sent Davey to you,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry…’

‘But Davey
wanted to come.’ I said, ‘he found me and… well I couldn’t have
come back if it wasn’t for him.’

Leo stared out
across the garden deep in thought; ‘we are safe here,’ he looked at
me again, his eyes were troubled, ‘but I think what I did brought
in the wolves.’

I thought of
the universal tag then. It had been switched off…. but we were
drawing them out. I had been ready to let Rimmington take me. Now I
wasn’t sure why.

‘You don’t need
to explain what happened,’ Leo said, ‘reports came back… in a
roundabout way.’

‘What did you
do?’

‘I sent a
messenger to your friend. I had to help him. He would have gone
anyway. But he needed to believe in himself. And he needed an
insight on how to defeat Mr Alexander.’

‘You seem to
treat them as two different things.’ I said, ‘I’m confused.’

‘There is
Rimmington the man. And there is Mr Alexander the…. Well I can’t
say really….it could be one of a number of things;’ Leo lowered his
voice, ‘I really do worry about you. And I hope you don’t think I’m
trying to stop you being independent.’

‘No. Of course
not. I always want you to tell me things….to give me advice. I know
I’m not like you…’ I broke off unable to speak. I wasn’t nothing
compared to my father. He was…well, quite extraordinary. I was glad
that I hadn’t disappointed him.

‘I think,’ said
Leo, ‘We are quite at cross purposes. You and I, we both are
together on this… but everything is trying to divide us. We are in
need of some peace of mind. Laura seems to think that you ought to
spend some time with Karis. And this time I agree…. But then that
is up to you.’

I looked away.
Did my resolve that seemed so bright and certain the other day,
have the power to make me face the thing I feared the most…
myself?

‘I’m scared
Dad… I’m very frightened.’ I paused and breathed in and out to slow
my rising anxiety, ‘I don’t want to let out a monster. I don’t want
to get lost in the power that might be inside me. I still don’t
know how to control it.’

Leo regarded me
with such compassion. His eyes were smiling, kind and full of that
same life. ‘You are seriously underestimating yourself,’ he said,
‘you have not failed. You made one mistake when you were a child.
It is not the whole story.’

‘But how do I
stop making mistakes?’

‘It’s a
learning process. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the whole
thing.’

‘So what did I
do?’

‘I think,’ here
he looked up as if he had heard something, ‘I believe that you have
to find your own level; to make peace with yourself. But let people
in… the ones you love. Let them in Son…. they are here for a
reason. And you have heart that is bigger and wiser than that mind
of yours, which is scattering its stray patterns all over the
place. Be kind; to yourself, please. And if you will, be with us
more….and bring Marcia.’

‘You do like
her?’

‘She is that
One in a Million-million.’ Leo touched me lightly on the chest
then, ‘In there you know. But in here…’ here he put his hand on my
forehead, ‘you doubt… I can see that. Don’t reject her Jared. I
know what it is to bend to another. But do this willingly. We all
have difficulties to keep in mind. But let you heart be certain and
true.’ He touched my chest again then. I felt a warmth flow through
me. I felt completely peaceful and sat back on the bench. Leo
turned back to the garden.

‘It’s so
beautiful here.’ He said and fell silent after that.

Karis was
bashing dough on the kitchen table, with a floured board in front
of her. There was a wonderful smell of baking.

‘No you don’t!’
she said, when she saw me eyeing up the pastries that were cooling
on a rack, ‘You can’t wait for it.’

‘What are you
making?’

‘Spelt bread,
with olives.’

‘Roman
bread?’

‘Very good. You
are obviously taking an interest in the more important things.’

‘Baking?’

‘Marcia.’ She
stopped and looked at me to see my reaction.

‘I’m falling
for her.’ I said. Karis was the one person I could be that obvious
with.

‘No you aren’t…
you’ve already fallen; and gone splat!’ she laughed and put the
dough in a bowl to rise. ‘I know that look… I just do. It was the
same as Laura and Leo….’ she trailed off and looked a way for a
moment. It was often like this. Karis was, to all intents and
purposes, my Mother’s closest friend and confidant. But that made
it odd for Janey and me. Karis talked quite naturally about them in
that way. It was what she had always known. But she tried not to
say things like that to us. It’s was always a little difficult to
know what to do.

‘Laura and
Leo,’ I said, ‘are quite the soppy romantics under all that exotic
layers of peculiarity. I really think Laura is looking fantastic
today.’

Karis rolled
her eyes with surprise, as if I just told her I had started
knitting as a hobby.

‘I see that
Marcia has effectively scrambled all the connections in your brain
today. So I am grateful to her. Do carry on my dear Jared. I Love
the new you.’

‘I Love you too
Arty Girl.’

Karis smiled at
my use of her old nick name, and went back to hob top to melt some
chocolate.

We all had
dinner encircling the big table in the main front room. Sam was
there too. Leo had put him next to the open window and given him a
ceramic ashtray. Marcia came up to me looking flushed.

‘Darling!’ she
exclaimed, ‘I adore you. I think I’ll have another one of
these!’

‘Marcia… what
have you been drinking?’ I examined the glass; an unnamed cocktail.
Karis really had swept in and created some of her special magic. I
didn’t know what it was called but I thought perhaps it had at
least a double measure in it from the way Marcia was reacting.

‘How many of
these have you had?’

‘This is the
second one… I think.’

‘Let’s eat dear
Eve. Then I will kiss you without fear of being too
intoxicated.’

‘I’m not
intoxicated… intoxicating enough Jay?’ She slid her arm around me
and pulled me close. She was warm and musky and her glittering eyes
were close to mine. She reached into my mouth with her tongue and
passed me a piece of fruit. I dissolved into her then, feeling the
tension go. The hollow feeling was replaced with hunger. We hadn’t
eaten since this morning. That was perhaps why she was so
giddy.

She carried on
kissing me. She was sweet like peaches and wine. And scented like
flowers at midnight. I began to feel quite a different sensation of
hunger. I drew back from her slightly. We were in separate rooms. I
was wondering if this was the time to break the barrier. I had
waited for her to take what she wanted. Marcia was not a woman who
could be physically resisted with ease. She was very strong, and
had the statuesque build of a warrior woman. Adam had remarked that
she would look good in tight leather and carrying a sword. But then
he did watch a lot of those kinds of films.

‘You better sit
down Jay.’ She whispered, and kissed me again, ‘I wouldn’t want to
have Karis tutting at me for being a bad girl!’

‘You’re
beautiful…. Let’s go outside.’

‘Not now. I
have to help in the kitchen in a minute.’

‘You could just
ask me to leave the room.’ Sam remarked. We both turned, having
forgotten he was there. He blew smoke rings into the air.

‘I think that’s
my signal.’ Marcia said and swayed round the furniture out of the
room.

‘Magnificent
woman!’ said Sam appreciatively.

‘You think
so.’

‘I do,’ He
prodded a finger in my direction, ‘Just get her wedded and bedded
as soon as you can. I’m really in need celebrating something good
for a change.’

I didn’t know
what to say to that, so I took Marcia’s advice and just sat
down.

Dinner was the
most pleasingly relaxed affair. Karis and my Mother were bringing
in quite a few trays and dishes. We helped ourselves to whatever
took our fancy. Leo poured wine for those who wanted it. I swirled
the glowing purplish liquid round the glass. I felt oddly light. I
was eyeing up the “Friend” who had come with Karis. Sam was talking
to Leo at some length. I couldn’t make out what they were
saying.

Karis’ friend
was a guy who wore a shirt and tie that had been crumpled with use.
He still had his sleeves rolled up from earlier and his tie was
over the back of the chair. He had quite watchful eyes. My mother
had told me just before he came in that he was David Morel… beyond
that I didn’t know anything. He had dark floppy hair that he
periodically brushed away from his face. He seemed to like to keep
everyone in his eye line at all times. He tended to turn around in
the chair if anyone walked behind him. I hadn’t actually met him
properly yet. I was trying to work out why my sister had so
favoured him that he should be invited today. He had an easy,
winning manner with people and later I found was a fan of word
games. I glanced at the scrabble board on the shelf.

‘I like to play
occasionally, but I’m more a Puzzle person.’

‘What kind of
puzzles?’

‘Any sort of
puzzles. As long as they are not the same ones I’ve done
before.’

‘A
variety?’

‘A choice.’

‘Ah!’ It
couldn’t be more relevant than that. He was certainly not giving
anything way about himself on any deeper level. And he was
gathering a lot of information about us.

‘Why are you
here?’ I asked him.

He was smart
enough not to try to fob me off: ‘I want to spend time with Karis.
She is one unusual person.’

‘Do you like
art?’ I asked him. I hoped to illicit something that was relevant
to the world as I knew it.

‘Only when I
can understand it.’ He said.

‘I see…’ I
thought I was beginning to realise where he was coming from.

‘What else do
you want to know?’ he asked me. He was drinking a cup of coffee. I
not seen him touch any alcoholic stuff this evening so far.

‘You are asking
me to pry?’

‘Just assuage
your curiosity.’ He replied.

‘As you wish.’
I said, ‘I just would really like to know who my sister is dating.’
I wasn’t at all what I had intended to say. But he seemed more
interested than irritated.

‘Observant….and
direct. I’ll tell you what you want to know.’ He sipped more
coffee.

‘You’re a
policeman.’ I said suddenly.

‘Yes.’

‘And you’re
dating my sister. Why?’

‘Because she
asked me to.’

‘She did?’ I
must have looked flustered, because my mother leaned over and
tapped me on the wrist. ‘Calm down Jared.’ she said in a level
voice. She had used this often when I was still a child. She could
see something I couldn’t. I leaned back and searched round in my
casual jacket for my lighter. I wouldn’t normally smoke in my
parents’ house; but his seemed the time to let it out in the open.
Sam caught my eye. I was having trouble with the lighter. He passed
me his. I lit the black stick with trembling hands. I looked back
up. I saw Morel watching me.

‘You know,’ I
said in a growly voice, ‘you are a considerable nuisance.’

‘That’s what I
do.’ He replied, ‘It’s hard to switch off from the job.’

‘I think I will
have to hear more about this job of yours.’

‘I solve
crimes. Detective class, plain clothes division. I’m very good at
it.’

‘You can tell
me who nearly crashed my car last summer then.’ I laughed sort of
bitterly and took another swig of the rum and black.

‘If you like.’
he said, ‘I would need to see the case files though.’

I looked into
his eyes. He wasn’t joking. I felt deflated and just smoked and
stared into space for a while.

Everyone
drifted into the lounge eventually. The light was beginning to fade
from the sky. Mother was looking at me; she came across to me.

‘Hello Laura.’
I said.

‘Don’t be
facetious.’ She replied.

‘I’m not.’

‘Jared…. just
take it easy. Please.’

‘I’m fine.’ I
said shortly. I was starting to wish Davey was here. And Jules.
Adam was fast becoming one of the people I could be normal with.
They didn’t leave sentences hanging in the air. They just accepted
each other, and me.

I decided I’d
had enough of being sociable and got up and left the room without
saying anything. I stood behind the door just outside,
listening.

‘Is he
alright?’ I heard Karis say.

‘He’s fine,’ my
mother was slightly dismissive… playing down what she felt as
ever.

‘Will you
please go up and find him then.’ said Karis.

‘No,’ said Leo,
‘Just let him alone. Don’t push it. No one push it.’

They all went
quiet. I felt really odd, and quickly left the space I was hiding
in and scrambled up the stairs to my old room. I slammed the door
and lay down on top of the bed. I rolled over onto my stomach.
There were flowers in a small vase on the window sill. Purple and
gold….my colours. I knew my mother had put them there for me. I
felt comforted and small, and slid out of my clothes and under the
quilt. I left the curtains wide and looked out at the wispy high
clouds. Was this my dream? Did I wake in hospital? I was confused
still. Did we break that reality or not? I rolled onto my side and
curled round tighter and tighter, shutting out the world. Closing
down. I thought of the bright sea and the silver flowers. I thought
of all the different metallic paints and in my mind trying to match
their delicacy. It was so impossible.