The Price of Falling (11 page)
Wasn’t as bad as I was expecting though. I stayed quite late, not realizing the time. I tried not to stare at Jason too much, but I just wanted to catch his eye every now and then. I couldn’t help it.
I started hanging out with Jason’s friends. In a way I had to, to be near him. But I didn’t mind. They were cool I guess, and they accepted me. I was careful not to let my other friends know. I told them I had chores to do, or homework to finish. I saw the guys for football practice anyway. They didn’t know I was hanging out with a bunch of kids who smoked pot and listened to the strangest music I’d ever heard.
I think Jason knew now I wasn’t going to leave him alone. And as long as I kept giving him money, he seemed OK with that. I did suggest once, much later on, that as we were friends now he shouldn’t make me pay him. He just laughed.
I had run out of my own savings, and did as many chores for my parents and neighbors as I could fit in, to make back gas money. Just because my parents were well off didn’t mean they simply handed out huge amounts of allowance. They gave me a little, but not enough to cover what I needed now.
I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I’d snuck into my Dad’s study while he wasn’t in, and taken out my savings account details. I’d forged my Dad’s signature, filled in the necessary documents and gone to the bank in town to take out more cash. I was draining my own college fund, basically.
I’ll make it back, I thought. I’ll get a job over summer and make it back.
When I saw my parents over dinner or when I was trying to get to sleep at night, I would fret and panic. But it didn’t stop my hand dipping in though, didn’t stop me taking a little more. I couldn’t stay away from Jason, there wasn’t a choice. I did try to stop.
Well, once.
I thought, I’ll forget it all, focus on something, someone, else. I went to the cinema with a girl from my English class, Sarah, and we kissed in the dark. But I left it at that, because I simply didn’t want it. I felt absolutely nothing holding Sarah's hand, or kissing Sarah. She was definitely hot, but...
I'd tried ignoring Jason. I could barely last a few days. It didn’t help having to see him in class (when he bothered showing up) as he’d started giving me these looks.
He must know I’m staring, I’d think, as he would turn his head a just little and raise an eyebrow at me, or smile. It drove me wild.
So kissing girls did nothing for me, but one look from him and I was hard.
I’m not right, I thought. I tried not to think about it too much. I had never been a great thinker anyway. However even I knew this would probably end badly.
And I was right; come June it would all be over. But the next three months were the happiest time of my life, no word of a lie.
They were also the most frustrating, as I spent a hell of a lot of time simply looking for Jason. He would either be late meeting me, or not bother showing up, in one of his odd moods.
Jason when he was sober was very up and down. On the whole he was fine but the slightest thing could set him off. It was hard work. I figured I’d known he was like that. I knew he was sarcastic, petulant, and wanted everything his own way. Considering he’d only moved here ten weeks ago, the friends he had now certainly put up with a lot.
Hell, I put up with a lot.
Why? Well, I didn't know. It wasn't just that I wanted to be near him, I simply had to. If I wasn't then I turned into a bundle of nerves, worrying what he was doing while I wasn't there, or when I would see him next. It wasn't much better when I was with him either. I could be sitting right next to him, trying to catch those pale green eyes as he pretended to ignore me, wondering when I would be able to touch him again.
I wasn’t the only one either. When they were all hanging out together, girls would hover around him. There was one girl, Jessica, who seemed just as obsessed with him as I was. Being a girl she was free to be a lot more forward than I had the courage to be.
Jessica herself was stunning, with long blonde hair. Jason didn’t pay her much attention though, even when she was trying her hardest to be seductive.
There was a lot of that going on. I noticed that everyone in this group, guys and girls, all kissed each other. A lot. Some of them did more, like fondled in full view of the others. I found that a bit weird.
Also, no-one seemed to keep to that boy-girl coupling all the time. When I first watched two girls kissing I thought it was kinda cool. Then when I saw two of the guys kiss I almost spat my soda out in surprise.
No-one seemed shocked. Everyone was laid back, as if they’d seen it a million times before. Jason kissed a lot of people. I tried not to show I was jealous. Sometimes I didn’t have to, as Jessica would get so mad she’d start shouting at him, which would break it up. There were always drama going on, which I guess was no different to my crowd.
I figured Jason had at least been with Jessica at one point, if he wasn’t still seeing her now. I tried to find out, but he wouldn’t admit anything. I noticed there was something between him and AJ as well.
AJ and Steven were definitely ‘the guys’ of this crowd. They were the ones who had the parties, they were the ones everyone wanted to be with. Steven was incredibly cool and distant, like a more stoned version of Jason. AJ was open and friendly, but I was pretty sure there was some tension between him and Jason. When AJ was very drunk he would drape himself over Jason and kiss him. It never lasted long, Jason would often move away. Other times I caught them giving each other funny looks that I couldn’t read.
One time at Eddy’s, when AJ had been leaning over the pool table to take a shot, Jason had squeezed past him a little too close, definitely on purpose. No-one else would have noticed, except me because I watched Jason all the time. AJ just turned round and fixed him with this cold look while Jason smirked.
As an outsider, and a quiet guy, it was easy for me to notice things like this. I had no idea what had gone down between them but I thought AJ might get a bit funny or jealous with me at the very least. It was pretty obvious that all I was here to do was to shadow Jason.
Jessica certainly gave me hard glares. But AJ was a genuinely nice guy, he was nothing but welcoming to me. I liked him the most out of Jason’s friends. A couple of times he even tried to kiss me, and to be polite once I did let him. It wasn’t really my thing though, all this free-love stuff. No-one seemed to mind me not joining in. It wasn’t like they were all rolling around together in an orgy, I think I would have run out the door if they did. There was one guy, Robin, who was so stoned all the time that he never showed interest in anyone. They all liked getting stoned, and there would always be a few of them lying on the floor of whoever’s house we were in, giggling away, or sitting on the grass round the back of Eddy’s.
I had my first joint. I figured I’d better try and join in. It was OK, the light-headed feeling was good. But after more than a few drags my throat just stung for hours. I guess I was never a smoker.
Jason liked to smoke a lot. He made me get him drinks and snacks. I basically did what he wanted. I drove him places, drove his friends places. They loved my car and the stereo system. They brought cassettes with them when we got in the car, and argued over whose tape we’d play. Jason always sat up front with me. Sometimes he let AJ sit up front, but that was rare.
When I saw Jason was quite sporadic. We would agree a time and a place to meet, and occasionally he wouldn’t show up. Sometimes it was because he’d gotten stoned instead, sometimes I couldn’t find him at all. It could be very frustrating. When he was with me, I drove him up to the cliffs. He pestered me to let him drive. No way, I said. He still pestered me. He told me I drove like an old woman.
Eventually I said I’d let him drive the car if he let me kiss him when I wanted. He wasn’t keen at first. I’d been trying to kiss him every time we were together, but after a few short moments he’d break away.
‘It’s too much,’ he grumbled. ‘You can’t say ‘whenever I want’ because that could be all the time, and it’s too much.’
‘I promise I’ll be reasonable,’ I said.
‘You’ll let me drive the car whenever I want then, will you? Like at three AM?’
I sighed. ‘Whenever you want. Whenever I want.’
After arguing a bit more, Jason agreed to that.
Now he let me kiss him, supposedly whenever I wanted and however long I wanted. I felt like I could kiss him and drink in his taste forever, but often he would push me away. Then he would snap at me.
Much later on, I would remember this, remember how he’d act. I didn’t realize at the time, but on reflection I think he found it hard to let someone get that close to him.
Obviously he was happy driving my car though, which was more than I was. My pleas of slowing down or being more careful on the roads, especially by the cliffs, would only earn me a withering look or a sarcastic reply. I didn’t even bother asking him to turn the music down now. I was used to it. But I wouldn’t let him drive the car if he’d had a drink or been smoking joints. I drew the line at that.
‘Whenever I want, you said!’ he’d complain.
‘Not when you’ll wrap us round a tree,’ I'd argue back.
Arguing with drunk Jason happened a lot. He could get very angry over nothing in particular. He and AJ once had a massive fight over nothing more than the lyrics of a song. Luckily I was bigger than both of them and pretty much always sober. That time I grabbed Jason and took him out of the room. AJ had looked pretty pissed and I didn’t want them to fall out.
‘You’re going to lose friends if you treat them like that,’ I said to Jason once I’d taken him outside. He continued the argument with me then, but I knew it was just the drink.
I understood a little more as well, when I had found out why he’d moved to Ellwood. He only told me about it one time because he’d been stoned and very relaxed. From all my questions I managed to piece things together. I was interested, especially about his family's immigrant history. I couldn't believe he wasn't.
‘Why do you keep bringing that up?’ he'd asked, calm from the joint he was smoking in the back seat of my car.
‘Aren't you interested?’ I had replied.
‘No,’ he said flatly.
‘So you don't know where they're from?’
‘No.’
‘But they're Irish?’
Jason shrugged. ‘I guess. It's my Dad's name.’
‘Do you look like him?’
‘I don't know.’
Jason said his dad had disappeared when he was younger, he didn't know exactly when but he had no memory of him or what he looked like.
I couldn't imagine not knowing who your father was. My Dad was such a huge presence in my life, in our household. We all respected him, and in truth were all a little scared of him as well. That said, I couldn't begin to think what it would be like if he wasn't even there.
Jason said his mom had re-married a real jerk who would get drunk a lot and eventually took off. His mom drank too much afterwards and died that year, in January, from a mixture of alcohol and an over-dose of sleeping pills. So he got moved over here to live with his Aunt, who apparently was very religious and didn’t like him much. He said she asked him to cut his hair every day and wanted him to go to Church with her.
I figured he had good reason to be angry, so I tried not to take anything too personally when he hit out at me. It was hard though, sometimes he could get real nasty.
When Jason was stoned he was completely different. I liked stoned Jason the best; he laughed a lot, was very relaxed and more submissive. When Jason wanted to smoke I knew I could have everything my way for a change and he wouldn’t have the energy to argue or complain.
I hoped his Aunt wouldn't make him cut his hair. It was so soft and I'd only just started to count the different shades of color in it when you looked close. If I was sitting next to him and he was stoned I could carefully reach out my fingers and grasp a lock of it, only to touch. If I was gentle he wouldn't know, couldn't feel me doing it. His hair fascinated me. I always had the urge to run my fingers through it more but was too shy. The only time I was able to touch it without worrying too much was when he was bent over my lap, otherwise distracted. Even then he would sometimes slap my hands away if he got annoyed.
