The Price of Falling (12 page)

I worried if I touched him too much he would tell me to go away for good. It was like he would put up with me in my car, while I paid him. Any other time I felt like I didn't have invitation; I had to suffer being near him but not touching.

That meant most of the time I only had the courage to ask him things when we were in the car. In the back seat once, I said to him I was getting frustrated with having no room. The back of my car wasn't that big and I'm a tall guy. I was fed up getting cramp in my leg. We went over this many times, I mentioned it a lot and said if had to give him money we should go somewhere where I had more room. I couldn’t afford motels or anything, not to mention being too embarrassed to check in somewhere with another guy.

Eventually Jason agreed to let me come over his house on Wednesday evenings, as his Aunt went to her church group then. We had from six until eight, only two hours. I would rush over after football practice, park at the end of the road and walk around the back of the house so people hopefully didn’t notice.

The first time I went there Jason had told me to walk round the back and he’d leave the door unlocked. Their back yard was neatly kept, I noticed. Very unlike the street out front. I could see Jason in the kitchen through the screen door. He let me in, carrying a carton of orange juice as he padded round in bare feet. His Aunt’s house was very neat, with minimal décor. It was mostly browns and stank of smoke. I figured she wouldn’t like him smoking, but when I noticed a floral decorated ash tray on the coffee table next to a bible, I realized she must smoke herself.

There were no family photographs I saw, as Jason took me through the house and straight upstairs. Lots of pictures of Jesus though.

Jason stopped at a door and turned the handle. I didn’t think it was his room as there was a wooden cross with a little crucified Jesus figure nailed to the door. He saw me looking at it and said, ‘She puts them on my door. Sometimes I take ‘em down, but she just gets another one.’

He made out like he didn’t care but I knew him well enough now to know that it must have annoyed him. It would have annoyed me too, I guess.

Inside his room was that familiar pot smell, badly disguised by incense. It was a small room, very messy, with posters on the walls. Much like any of my friend’s bedrooms, but I relished being in here. It was all him, his space, his scent.

His bed was a small single, with a dull brown bedspread. As long as it was soft I didn’t care. On the bed we had more room, and finally I stopped getting cramp. I'd go round there every Wednesday. We settled into the routine that I preferred, with me going first. When I knelt in front of him as he sat on the edge of the bed, I liked to push him back and kiss his stomach. I wanted as much contact as possible. At first we still kept most of our clothes on but when I worked up the courage I asked him if he’d take his t-shirt off. He did as I asked as if he wasn’t bothered, and it was hard to tell if he enjoyed it when I’d lean over him and kiss down his chest.

I loved being on the bed with him. When we first started using his room we were still only sucking each other off, and everything would be over within half an hour. The more confident I got the more clothes disappeared and the more time I spent just exploring. I liked us both to be completely naked so I could feel his skin against mine. It was frustrating in a way because I knew I wanted more, but wasn’t sure how to go about it.

‘Have you ever...’ I started vaguely, knowing what I wanted to say but losing the courage to say it.

Jason glanced at me side long as he was driving my car. ‘What?’

‘Er, with a guy.’

‘What?’ he said again, probably knowing full well what I meant.

‘You know...’ I said helpfully, trying not to blush. I had thought I could ask him, but with it on my mind so much I was having trouble finding my words without turning red.

Jason snickered at my ineptness then just, ‘Hmm.’

‘So?’ I pressed.

‘So, what?’ he replied.

This was how most of our conversations went. I was sure he enjoyed taunting me. I always seemed to have trouble with what I was trying to say around him.

‘So have you done it with a guy?’ I finally said, to the window.

‘It?’ he smirked at me. ‘Yeah, sure.’

I turned back to him. I wanted to ask a million things; what was it like, did he like it, can we do it? But again, I faltered.

He let me suffer in silence a while longer, then when I thought I should just forget I’d mentioned anything he said, ‘Why, you wanna?’

‘Can we?’ I asked, eyes like saucers.

‘If you want,’ he offered. ‘It’ll be at least three times the price.’

‘What?!’ I said, incredulous. ‘That’s too much!’

‘Hey, it’s my ass, I’ll charge whatever the hell I want,’ he countered. ‘Unless you want me to do you?’

‘No, it’s fine,’ I mumbled, completely embarrassed.

We didn’t bring it up again for two weeks, though it was on my mind all the time.

‘Can I borrow your car?’ Jason asked one day. We were in his room making out, and he'd started unbuttoning my shirt. I was immediately suspicious.

‘No,’ I said.

‘Why not?’

‘Not without me in it.’

Jason pouted at me. ‘But you won’t like where we’re going.’

I’d been right to be suspicious. ‘So don’t take the car.’

‘But I
need
the car,’ he said softly, gazing into my eyes. I could feel his hands run up my bare chest.

He probably knew he could talk me into anything, but there was no way I was giving my car over unsupervised. I pulled him to me and kissed down his neck, feeling him melt against me but knowing he was putting it on.

I smiled as I whispered in his ear, ‘Not a chance.’

Jason pushed me off. ‘You’re being an asshole!’

‘Because I won’t give you my car?’ I argued. ‘Where do you want to go?’

‘Austin.’

‘Austin?’ I echoed. ‘That’s miles away! What the hell for?’

‘To see a band.’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Which one?’

Jason rolled his eyes. ‘You won’t like it.’

‘I might...’

Although I doubted I would.

‘You
so
don’t like it. When I played them before you were screwing your nose up.’

That was more than likely. Jason played music whenever I came over, and some of it was...

Well it was weird.

But I argued for the sake of it. ‘I probably need to remind myself. It can’t be that bad.’

‘It’s not bad,’ Jason complained. ‘You’re just boring.’

He stomped over to his tape player and put a new tape in. When he pressed play and turned back to look at me, with his arms folded, I stood there and listened to the strange ambient notes fill the room. When the drums and electronica suddenly crashed in I tried not to jump. As the ‘singer’ started up, I thought it sounded like someone having a gagging fit.

‘See, you don’t like it.’

‘Whether or not I like it doesn’t change that I’m not just gonna give you my car so you can drive over to Austin, have a drink, and then crash it on the way back.’

After more debate on the subject, Jason was of course going to get use of the car to go to Austin. And I was the driver. Quite why I had agreed to that I don’t know. Probably because I was weak, desperately horny and Jason refused to let me touch him until I’d agreed.

So I ended up driving them to Austin.

I’d also been dumped with the gas bill. Steven was taking his car, crammed full of people. I followed him in my car, Jason sitting up front with me, AJ, Cat and Bex squeezed into the back. I was pleased Jessica had gone in Steven’s car.

‘Who is it we’re seeing?’ I asked.

‘Revolting Cocks!’ AJ cheered from the back as I blanched at the name. ‘I brought my tapes, put ‘em on!’ AJ leaned forward and threw a pile of cassettes into Jason’s lap.

Jason sifted through them, dully interested. ‘I think we’d better ease Mike in, he’s not a huge Rev Co fan.’

‘What?!’ AJ laughed. ‘You will be! We got a three hour drive ahead.’

I smiled at him in the mirror, but I had my doubts.

‘Here,’ Jason said as he put in a tape from AJ’s collection. ‘You like this.’

As the familiar keyboards and drums swirled through the car I realized he’d put on the band that I was getting quite accustomed to. Whenever I was at Jason’s house he played Depeche Mode endlessly. I could certainly cope with them a lot better than the other music he liked. The singer’s brooding voice was like a warm caress, and listening to the song made me think of being in Jason’s room, touching his soft skin.

I took my eyes off the road to glance at him. He was leaning his arm on the ledge and smoking, the wind whipping in from the open window lifted and blew his hair. He smiled at me. It wasn’t a care free expression, no smile from Jason ever was, it had that sly, teasing edge to it. I pressed my lips together and concentrated on driving.

When we got near Austin we stopped in a diner. I was starving. The others were all bursting with anticipation, chatting excitedly about what songs the band might play. I was dreading it. I had no idea what to expect. I was busy worrying when I felt a soft touch brush up my thigh under the table. I jumped, banging my knee on the Formica top, then felt stupid. Of course it was Jason, he was sitting next to me.

He smirked at my reaction. ‘What’s up?’ he asked.

‘Um...nothing.’

When we got back in the car I suddenly realized I hadn’t actually got a ticket for myself, wouldn’t know the first thing about getting one.

‘Er, have you guys got your tickets?’ I asked.

‘Yes!’ AJ and the girls cheered from the back.

‘Er, how do I get one?’

‘I’ve got yours,’ Jason said. I looked at him; he wasn’t paying attention to me.

But he had gotten me a ticket.

‘Oh,’ I said, surprised. ‘Thanks.’

Jason smirked in response. I wasn’t sure if I was pleased I actually had to go watch the band now but I was happy he’d included me without question.

I was really apprehensive about the show. Not only was the crowd a claustrophobic sea of sweaty bodies but some of them looked a bit what my Mom would call 'undesirable'. There were other kids there like us, but a lot of older guys, bikers, skin-heads, hippies.

My Dad would have a fit if he saw me here, I thought.

As the others ogled the merchandise stand I looked at the posters there. Apparently this was the ‘Goddamn Son Of A Bitch’ tour.

OK then.

I was cramped from driving the car for so long, now I had to stand here for at least two more hours watching this band and whoever was playing with them. I kept checking my watch. Why had I agreed to this?

When the head-line band at last came on, amid a wall of cheers from the crowd, they started off slowly and quietly. I knew it was building up and wished I’d brought some ear plugs. At least they’d provided visuals though; there was a screen behind the stage projecting a collection of bizarre images. So I had something to keep me entertained.

Steven and AJ rolled joints and passed them around. I declined, as I was driving. I only had a soda. Later on Cat, who was quite short, complained she couldn’t see the stage. I bent down and the others helped her up on my shoulders. I’d rested cheerleaders on my shoulders before, so it was no big deal. AJ asked if I would do the same for him but the thought of having a guy's legs wrapped around my neck made me start to turn red.