The Prodigal Wife (19 page)

It was Hal who took the phone call. He talked first to Jolyon, then to Henrietta and then to Jolyon again. Taking the phone into the little study he found Cordelia's number and dialled it.

‘I gather you've heard the tidings of great joy?' he enquired. ‘Isn't it wonderful?…Of
course
I'm pleased…Well, she doesn't know yet. No, listen, Jo and I have made a plan. He's staying with Henrietta tonight, doing some research around Appledore and Bideford tomorrow, and he'll be back here late afternoon. We're going to have a little party when he's back but we're keeping it a secret until then. I think it will be nice for Fliss and my old ma and Lizzie if he tells them himself. What d'you think?…Fantastic! So will you be here? Come early and have some tea…Of
course
we want you here. You're part of the family now…Don't be daft. We need you here. It's just a pity Henrietta can't be here too, but the logistics are a bit tricky. I talked to her about it and we've agreed to do it all over again on Sunday when Jo can go and fetch her over for the day, so book out Sunday lunch as well…Oh, yes. Good thinking. Look, I'll tell Fliss that you rang up for a chat and that I've suggested that you drop in for tea tomorrow. OK?…That's great. And remember, not a word to anyone. See you tomorrow.'

He came out of the study and came face to face with Fliss.

‘I thought I heard the phone,' she said. ‘I just wondered…'

Her voice tailed away and despite his excitement, he saw the signs of strain in her face, the little lines between her brows, and he was seized with anxiety.

‘What's the matter, love?' he asked. He took her thin, cold hands and drew her into the warmth of the kitchen. ‘That was Cordelia. She's over this way tomorrow and I told her to drop in for tea. That's OK, isn't it? Gosh, you're cold. I'll light the fire in the hall and we'll have some tea. What is it, Fliss? Not still worrying about Maria?'

‘Not really.' She looked away from him. ‘Though I still wish I hadn't invited her for your birthday. I'm worried about what Jo will say when he finds out.'

Hal turned away to push the kettle on to the hotplate, longing to tell her that Jo was in such high spirits that he probably wouldn't care.

‘So what is it, then?' He had a tiny flickering memory, a sense of
déjà vu
, as if he and she had been here before, and turned back to her. ‘You still think we're taking a risk? That I've opened Pandora's box and we're going to be hurt by the fallout?'

She sat down at the table. ‘I just don't know. It's brought back memories, like we said before.'

He sat down too, turning his chair towards her.

‘That's true. I've suddenly realized that I feel guilty about quite a lot of things I thought I'd forgotten. That I didn't fight harder for us when we were young, for one thing. And I shouldn't have told Maria how I felt about you, for another. Looking back I can see that she was much too insecure to deal with something like that. And I feel guilty about poor old Jo. He was the scapegoat and now I've forced him into an untenable position. I should have listened to you, Fliss.'

She tried to smile. ‘I think it's me, really,' she admitted. ‘At least now, doing it your way, some kind of healing might be possible. It's just that I feel so muddled. Yes, it's raised all kinds of feelings I didn't realize were there. Resentment because we gave in so easily all those years ago, and anger at Maria because she thinks she only has to say sorry and we'll forgive her, and guilt that I can't be more generous about it all.'

Hal couldn't help laughing, just a little. ‘Poor old love,' he said sympathetically. ‘That's pretty comprehensive.'

He saw the instinctive flash of annoyance give way to a reluctant amusement.

‘Uncle Theo stands at my shoulder,' she said. ‘Do you remember that thing he used to say? “We are as big or small as the objects of our love.” I'm feeling very small. It's complicated though, isn't it? Can I forgive Maria for the damage she's caused to Jo? Anyway,' she shrugged, ‘if I'm honest, it's not just about Jo. It's not even about Maria. It's about me. Maria's reappearance has made me see myself more clearly. Yes, I suddenly realize that I
do
feel resentful that you didn't fight for me when we were young. And that you took so long to getting round to proposing to me after Miles died. Crazy, isn't it? It's eight years ago, for goodness' sake, but suddenly all these feelings have come from nowhere.'

‘Pandora's box,' he repeated bitterly. ‘I don't know what to say. I can repeat the old well-worn phrases, of course, explaining why: I was too young to know what I wanted and what I was doing in the first place; and that we'd got into a kind of rut in the second. But they just sound like excuses, don't they?'

‘I'm being stupid,' she said. ‘I know how it was back then. Of course I do. It's lots of things, really. We're all getting older and we feel vulnerable…'

‘But it's more than that, isn't it?' He stared anxiously into her down-turned face. ‘What is it really, Fliss?'

She stared at her clasped hands and he felt a real fear. Suddenly she looked up at him.

‘I miss the children,' she said woefully. ‘I miss Bess and Matt and Paula and little Timmy. It was bad enough when they were in London but now they're in Boston they seem so far away and I get this pain in my heart and I long to see them. It's so hard. I know that you're going to say that it's not so bad and we can get a flight out whenever we like and all that, but it's not the same. And now that Jamie's been posted to Cairo…'

She stopped, biting her lip, staring down at her hands, and Hal's heart twisted with pain for her. He covered her cold hands with his warm ones.

‘I miss them all coming down for weekends and holidays,' she said. ‘All the noise and the fun and watching the babies grow up. And I tell myself to get a grip. I think of how Grandmother must have felt when my father and mother moved out to Kenya when I was little and it was so much more difficult to travel. And I worry about Jamie…'

Hal remained silent: no point trying to assure her that, though her son was a member of MI5, he was not in any kind of danger. They all knew the risks involved.

The door opened and Prue came into the kitchen; her eyes met Hal's above Fliss's bent head.

‘The kettle's boiling. I'll make some tea, shall I?' Prue said. ‘Hal, why don't you light the fire in the hall?'

Hall nodded, gave Fliss's hands one last squeeze and went through to the hall. He wished that he could break the news about Jolyon's engagement – it would cheer Fliss up, make her happy again – yet he knew he must keep it secret until tomorrow: he'd promised Jo. Whilst he laid and lit the fire and then went out to fetch logs his mind was busy with that little tag of memory, the sense of
déjà vu
, and suddenly he remembered another secret celebration, eight years ago; his mother's seventy-fifth birthday party and the day he'd decided to propose to Fliss. His sister, Kit, had come down from London and it was she who'd shown him how stupid he was being to let things drift.

Spring 1998

Leaving Fliss and Caroline in the kitchen, Hal and Kit stroll in the garden together. The air is sweet and cold, and a thrush is singing in the orchard. The rain has drawn off at last, leaving a tender blue-green sky, and the western hills are washed in luminous golden light. Sparkling raindrops shower over her hands as Kit breaks off a spray of
Ribes oderatum
and inhales the fragrance of its yellow flowers.

‘Ma hasn't got a clue what's going on,' she says. ‘I've brought her masses of freesias and smuggled them into Fliss's bathroom. She's looking a bit stressed out, I thought. Fliss, that is. Not Ma. It occurs to me, little brother, that you two still haven't got your act together.'

He frowns, not looking at her, and she glances at him sharply.

‘Don't tell me you're both still doing the “just good friends” bit? Oh, I don't believe it! Honestly, Hal. I don't want to sound callous but Miles has been dead for nearly a year. What the hell are you both waiting for now? Some divine intervention? Authorization from the Pope?'

‘Oh, shut up!' he says angrily. ‘It's not funny. And it's not that bloody simple, either.'

She watches him, eyebrows raised, lightly brushing the spray of
Ribes
to and fro across her lips.

‘Sorry,' he says presently. ‘It's just…not a joking matter.'

‘No,' she says. ‘No, I can see it wouldn't be. Not for you two, anyway. But it's getting silly, Hal. Fliss has got that end-of-tether look about her. That little frown is back and her jaw is all clenched. She's too thin, too. What's going on?'

‘We can't seem to take the plunge,' he says slowly. ‘I know it seems as if it should be easy. We've loved each other all our lives, and we've been under the same roof for years, but now we're both free at last we can't seem to break out. I honestly think that none of the family would give a damn. After all, we're not going to have children so the old fears don't apply, but even so…'

‘It's sex,' says Kit cheerfully. ‘Amazing how it always comes back to it, isn't it? That's what's blocking it. Well, there's nothing to stop you both now, is there? For heaven's sake, just get on and do it.'

‘You make it sound so easy,' he says irritably. ‘Just think about it. The whole family has got used to our situation. They take us for granted now. How passionate would you feel if you knew that Ma was likely to come wandering into your bedroom at midnight with an attack of insomnia? Or that Jolyon might burst in with some brilliant new idea for his damned market garden? And how do we behave the next morning? Do we subtly imply with loving gestures and caresses that the Rubicon has been crossed and that we are now the equivalent of a married couple? I'm sure you'd manage splendidly but Fliss and I are very conventional people and we don't get too much time together to iron out the problem. The other thing is that she's never really recovered properly from Mole's death. I thought she was coming to terms with it but just lately she's been rather odd.'

‘I know that's been a nightmare for her.' Kit looks grave. ‘Like her parents and Jamie all over again. It was a terrible thing, appalling, but I thought she was more or less over it. Maybe this new peace agreement has brought it all back again. It's rather bitter to think that such people might be walking about free in a few months' time, isn't it?'

‘I don't think it's that.' Hal shakes his head. ‘I can't describe it but she's…oh, I don't know. Abstracted. Not quite with me.'

Kit stops quite still so that Hal is obliged to pause too. He looks at her, surprised at the serious look on her face.

‘You've got to do something,' she says urgently. ‘It's gone on too long, Hal, and soon it will be too late. You can't expect Fliss to make the running. Like you said, she's too conventional and she might be anxious about the family's reaction. Especially Ma and Jo's. Just do it, Hal. No, I don't mean the great seduction scene. I agree you're both a bit too old for creeping along landings or going away for the weekend. It's too ridiculous and undignified. You've just got to tell them. Don't even ask Fliss. Just do it. There are times when a man needs to take the initiative, never mind about how emancipated we women are or how high our consciousnesses have been raised.'

He is staring at her. ‘But how can I not tell Fliss? She'll be a bit miffed, won't she?'

‘Of course she won't,' Kit says impatiently. ‘She might be embarrassed, anxious, surprised, but she won't be angry. Take my word for it. She'll feel an overwhelming relief. Poor old Flissy has had a rotten deal. She's loved you all her life, Hal, but if you're not careful her love will pass its sell-by date and go bad on her and she could finish up bitter and miserable. Just trust me and do it. Tell the family that you're getting married, set a date for it and afterwards go away for a few days together. Then come home and settle down. It will be so simple, I promise you, if you'll just do it. You were the one who told her first time round. You took the responsibility and made the final decision. Now you've got to do it again.'

‘You're right.' He is looking past her and she knows that he is thinking back to a spring over thirty years before. ‘You're absolutely right.'

‘There's another thing,' Kit tells him. ‘You took my advice then, little brother, so take it now. It's the same advice but for different reasons. When you've told them, don't stay around. It'll be embarrassing and mawkish and you'll both find it hard to handle. Say your piece and say it loud and clear. Name the day, tell Flissy you love her and then clear out. Ma and Caroline will be delighted and she'll have quite enough on her plate without you hanging about like a star-struck lover.'

‘I've been a bloody fool,' he says. ‘Bless you, Kit. You're so right and I just couldn't see it.'

‘You're too close to it,' she tells him, ‘and it's gone on so long. She looked after Miles for all those years and now he's dead and for the first time she's free. She doesn't know how to handle it. She's lost her bearings and I suspect that deep down she's scared stiff. The poor girl's all at sea…'

‘Very nautical.' He's grinning at her, relief and excitement in his eyes. ‘I'll go and polish up my anchor.'

‘Oh, shut up.' She aims a blow at him and drops her spray.

‘What are you two up to?' Fliss is coming across the lawn. ‘Dinner's nearly ready and I wondered if you'd like a drink?'

‘An unnecessary question, little coz.' Kit finds the
Ribes
and picks it up. ‘Just lead us to it. I was telling Hal about Ma's freesias and he was trying to persuade me to let him in on it. He's forgotten to get anything, as usual.'