The Reason I Jump (10 page)

Now I think of it, somebody once told me how when we die, we become stars. Must have been Mum, I guess. She was always on my side. Dad gave me a lot of time too, mind … but no more games of chucking a ball to one another now
… Shun looked up at the night sky and gave a small sigh.

‘What d’you reckon?’ said the old man. ‘Time to be off?’

Shun grew afraid again.
Am I dying? No, no, I’m already dead. But what’s going to happen to me now? If only Mum …
Shun’s whole body started shaking.

The old man noticed. He gave Shun a concerned hug. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll only be gone for an instant.’

Only gone for an instant?
Shun was confused.
What’s going to become of me?
Slowly, surely, the scene in front of Shun grew hazy, and he collapsed on the spot.

Down in his deep and dreamless sleep, Shun was thinking,
How come people have to die? There’s still so much I want to do
. Then, fearfully, Shun opened his eyes to see what had happened. An ancient man in white robes stood before him, and it dawned on Shun that this must be God. In fact, this God was the spitting image of the one Shun had seen at the art museum.
Wow, God, I’d better be on my best behaviour
. To pay his respects, Shun leapt to his feet.
Huh? My feet are gone! So ghosts really do float around without any feet
. But then Shun realized something that nearly gave him a heart attack: ‘It’s gone! It’s completely gone! My body isn’t anywhere!’

This was too much, and Shun lost his head, forgot that he was in the presence of God and started freaking out.

‘Oy, oy, oy, there’s no need for that,’ said God. The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Shun, as if he’d heard it long ago. ‘You’ll hardly be needing your body now you’re dead, will you? All the things that used to tie you down and hold you back, they’ve gone now.’

Oh, that’s right, yes … I’m dead
. Despite the fact Shun had no body, all the energy drained right out of it. ‘Please, sir, what’s going to happen to me?’

‘Absolutely nothing’s going to happen to you, because – well, look around you – you’ve gone to Heaven.’

So what’s this place like, exactly?
Shun examined his surroundings. The dark was darker than the depths of night, but scattered all about with pulsing stars.
I never saw so many stars where I used to live … wow. Stars really are infinite
. Lost in their pure beauty, Shun gazed and gazed, letting thoughts of his death slip away.

‘For the time being, do whatever you wish,’ said God. ‘I dare say you’re still very much attached to your last life, and still have unfinished business to chew over. But you’ll come to understand how things stand, by and by.’ And with that, God’s outline began to waver and vanish like mist dissolving into more mist.

It’s all very well for Him to say
, ‘Do whatever you wish,’ Shun thought. He was at a loss. He looked down, and there he saw the Earth, piercingly blue and beautiful in the darkness.
So this here is Space I’m standing in. But what do I do now? How am I supposed to live when I don’t even have a body? All alone, as well. The first thing I have to work out is how do you live when you’re dead.
Shun had not a notion.

For a while, Shun stayed where he was.
This Heaven sure is different to how I used to imagine Heaven would be. I used to think that Heaven was full of wonderful things to eat and fun things to do all day, with nothing to make you suffer or give you a hard time
. Shun shouted out loud: ‘Hey! What’s going on here? Just take me back home, right now!’ No sooner had he said this than Shun felt himself hurtling away at a velocity he had never before experienced.

Now where am I? Wait, yes, this is my house
. ‘Mum?’ Shun rushed from room to room, looking for his mum. He found her in the Japanese-style room, next to the living room. Shun’s heart was pounding. ‘Mum?’ He called her from behind, softly.

She did not turn around for him.

I’m well and truly dead now, aren’t I?

Shun’s final hope was completely dashed. Downcast, he went around to stand in front of his mum so he could at least take a proper look at her face. She looked so sad and crushed in her black clothes. In his mind, Shun apologized to her.
Mum, I’m so, so sorry I died
…

Between Shun and his mum a subtle breeze flowed. Her hand touched his body, the same body she apparently couldn’t see because it wasn’t there. And Shun felt the same warmth he used to feel back when he was very small, when his mum gave him a cuddle.

Shun’s dad came in from the living room. ‘Hi. What are you doing?’

‘Somehow,’ replied Shun’s mum, ‘I feel Shun’s in here.’

‘Shun’s always with us. Always.’

Shun wasn’t sure quite what to think of this.
I’m dead and gone, but my feelings are the same as they ever were. I want to help Mum and Dad, but there’s nothing I can do
. Shun shut his eyes, and in the same instant he was flying away at an astonishing speed.

Shun was back in the place called Heaven. Space was really quiet. All alone, Shun drifted away in his thoughts. He didn’t know what to think about himself any more. He had never imagined that after he died he would be so utterly alone.
I wish there was somebody here I could talk to
. Then he heard something.
What’s that sound?
Shun listened, intently. It was a boy’s voice. Shun called, ‘Is there anybody out there?’

‘You must be the new one, right? Hi. I’m Kazuo.’

Shun was delighted. ‘Brilliant! I thought there was nobody but me.’

‘You can’t make us out yet, but there are as many people round here as there are stars,’ said Kazuo. ‘If you wish it, you’ll be able to talk to us – any of us – whenever you want. This world is beyond time, outside of space. Here is perfect freedom. I’ve been living here in Heaven for eighty years, y’know.’

‘I don’t know what to do here,’ said Shun. ‘You say we have perfect freedom, but actually … there’s nothing here.’

Kazuo just laughed. ‘You ought to do the things you couldn’t do when you were still alive.’ With that, Kazuo slipped away somewhere.

So I ought to do the things I can only do now I’m dead
… At that point, numberless lights wrapped around Shun, comforting him like a shimmering blanket. It was like being rocked in a cradle, and at long last, all the tension Shun had felt up to that point began to ebb away. For the first time in many days, Shun fell asleep.

Shun was getting used to life in Heaven now, and he had made a lot of friends, as Kazuo had said. Everyone was kind, and there were no barriers of language, ethnicity or era. People lived so peacefully here that it was difficult to believe how much they had fought and quarrelled when they were alive. Shun had never dreamt that owning nothing could be so blissful. He had also, by now, done many of the things that he couldn’t during his lifetime. He’d visited every corner of the Earth. He’d spoken with many people in Heaven. Everything was fresh and exciting.

Sometimes Shun visited his parents’ home too. It was sad that he couldn’t speak with them directly, but it made him happy just to see their faces and listen to them talk about him. This was enough for Shun to stay brave and go on.

It was on a day like this when Shun was visiting his home that his mum looked strange. She was miserable, and didn’t seem to be eating. Staring at the photograph of her son, tears were in her eyes. ‘Shun, I don’t think I can go on living like this, without you here. I want to be where you are.’ Saying this, she collapsed on the table, face down and weeping.

Shaken, Shun too started to cry.
But I thought she was getting over my death. I thought it was all going to be okay
. ‘Don’t cry, Mum. Mum, please. Don’t.’ Ever so gently, Shun hugged her shoulders.
I’m invisible, she doesn’t know I’m here
. Shun’s mum kept crying until it got dark, and he stayed by her side.

On his return to Heaven, Shun thought about his parents every single day.
I was sure that at some point things would return to normal for Mum and Dad. But it looks as if their grief will last for the rest of their lives. And although I can be
with
them, there’s nothing I can do to
help
them.
Shun was sinking into despair
. Well, there’s nothing else for it. It’s time I asked God for help
. Shun called out in a loud voice: ‘God? I’ve got a favour to ask!’

Shimmering out of the mist, God materialized. ‘I believe you called.’

‘My parents are still mourning my death, but there’s nothing I can do for them, and it’s just … unbearable.’

God nodded as he listened. ‘Well, I do understand how you must be feeling. Thing is, that’s life, isn’t it? But your mum and dad will be able to see you again here, when their own numbers are up.’

Shun understood God’s words, but he still didn’t feel any better. ‘It’s too much for my parents to bear, though. And it’s impossible for me to live happily here in Heaven, knowing the pain that my parents are going through!’ Shun found he was almost shouting.

‘Mmm … it is a tricky one. Nowhere’s as pleasant as Heaven …’ God was deep in thought. ‘Well, I’m not saying there
isn’t
a way to help your parents.’ He then told Shun something quite unexpected. ‘Namely, being born to your parents as their child once again.’

Hearing this, Shun’s heart leapt with joy. ‘Really? Can you honestly do that?’ His voice was ragged with excitement and his heart beat faster.
If this can really happen, I’ll go back to them right now
.

But, as if reading Shun’s mind, God quickly went on: ‘There is, however, one small catch.’ God looked Shun straight in the eye. ‘Once you are born, you won’t be Shun any longer. All your memories of Shun, of
being
Shun, will cease to exist.’

So there won’t be any Me any more
. Shun’s hopes withered.
My existence will be wiped out, for ever
. Now Shun understood a bit better why Kazuo and his other friends were staying on so long in Heaven.
So what do I do
? Shun wavered.
If I’m not going to be myself any more, what’s the point of being reborn
?

From Heaven, Shun stared down at the blue Earth.

A whole month had passed, but Shun still hadn’t made up his mind. He hadn’t gone back home, not even once. Life in Heaven suited Shun well, and the thought that he would be seeing his parents here some day gave him a degree of comfort.
Time will sort out everything
, Shun had started to believe.

By and by, a year went by since Shun had died.

On the following Sunday, Shun revisited his old home for the first time in a long time. His mum wasn’t in the house, however. He was wondering whether she had gone out shopping when the phone rang. Shun’s dad came to answer it. ‘I see,’ he said, ‘I’ll be right over.’

Shun’s dad’s voice was an empty husk. He dashed out of the house and Shun followed, with an ominous feeling. … They arrived at the hospital. Shun’s dad wore a grim expression.
Mum’s been hospitalized?
Shun entered her room and gasped with surprise.
Can this really be my mum?

Lying on the hospital bed was a wrung-out and sickly-pale Mum. She almost looked like a stranger. Shun’s dad, too, looked utterly exhausted.

No way! How can Mum have ended up like this?

Shun himself was too gutted to make a sound.
When we all lived together, Mum used to be so cheerful, so bright
. This was appalling.

The doctor concluded his examination and spoke. ‘Based on her current condition,’ he said, ‘I’m afraid there’s no guarantee that she’ll pull through.’

Before the doctor had even finished, Shun rushed up to his mum and shouted, ‘Mum, you mustn’t die yet! Don’t die! Please, please, please! Just …
don’t
!’ But his voice couldn’t reach where she was.
No, this is too much to take. Even if we met in Heaven, this woman here isn’t the same Mum I used to love
.

Even though Shun’s mum couldn’t hear his voice, in her delirium she called out his name. ‘
I want to see Shun … Shun … Shun …
’ Shun couldn’t bear the pain any more. It was strangling him, almost.
I thought we could both cope with being separated so long as our hearts stayed connected, but you’ve lost your spirit and your will to live, haven’t you, Mum?
His heart was being torn down the middle.
It’s me who caused this grief, so it’s me who has to help her now. If I don’t do what I can, she’s going to die of a broken heart
.

Shun made up his mind.

The future is a thing we build
.

He summoned up every ounce of courage, but spoke calmly: ‘Please, God, I want you to return me to my mother.’

In the air, many-coloured orbs appeared, and inside each one was a tiny gold sphere. Then, before Shun’s eyes, one by one, the orbs popped …

Chiming …

Chiming …

Chiming …

Shun thought he recognized the bell-like sound, from a long, long time ago.

In her hospital room, Shun’s mother woke up from her sleep.

Shun’s father was anxious: ‘How are you feeling?’

But she didn’t make any reply.

‘Look, if you’re feeling bad, I’ll fetch the doctor.’

But just as he was about to hurry off, Shun’s mother opened her mouth to speak: ‘Shun came to see me … in my dream.’

Shun’s father held her hand. ‘That’s nice, love.’

She went on, with tears in her eyes, ‘Shun told me, “I’m right here, always, so you’re not to cry any more, okay?” He looked terribly unhappy, because of, because of the state I’m in. I need to pick myself up, and, and … put all the pieces back together again.’

Shun’s father nodded. ‘Yes. Shun
is
always watching over us. Let’s … somehow … begin again. Make a fresh start.’

At the window, the first snow of the year was falling lightly. The snow’s crystals had formed from Shun’s tears, and were God’s proof that a boy called Shun had once lived in this world.