The Reason I Jump (9 page)

Q55 W
HY
CAN
YOU
NEVER
STAY
STILL
?

My body’s always moving about. I just can’t stay still. When I’m not moving, it feels as if my soul is detaching itself from my body, and this makes me so jumpy and scared that I can’t stay where I am. I’m always on the lookout for an exit. But even though I’m forever wanting to be some place else, I can never actually find my way there. I’m always struggling inside my own body, and staying still really hammers it home that I’m trapped here. But as long as I’m in a state of motion, I’m able to relax a little bit.

Everyone tells people with autism, ‘Calm down, stop fidgeting, stay still,’ when we’re busy moving around. But because I feel so much more relaxed when I
am
moving, it took me quite a while to work out exactly what their ‘calm down’ even meant. Finally, I’ve come to understand that there are times when I’m not supposed to be moving about. The only way we can learn to do this is by practising, a little at a time.

Q56 D
O
YOU
NEED
VISUAL
SCHEDULES
?

I understand that any plan is only a plan, and is never definite, but I just cannot take it when a fixed arrangement doesn’t proceed as per the visual schedule. I understand that changes can’t always be avoided, but my brain shouts back,
No way, that’s not acceptable
. So speaking for myself, I’m not a big fan of having visual schedules around the place. People with autism may look happier with pictures and diagrams of where we’re supposed to be and when, but in fact we end up being restricted by them. They make us feel like robots, with each and every action pre-programmed. What I’d suggest is that instead of showing us visual schedules, you talk through the day’s plan with us, verbally and beforehand. Visual schedules create such a strong impression on us that if a change occurs, we get flustered and panicky.

Observing out that the new change can also be shown on the schedule is beside the point, I’m afraid. The message I want to get across here is: please don’t use visual things like pictures on our schedules because then the activities on the schedules, and their times and timings, get imprinted too vividly onto our memories. And when that happens, we end up stressing ourselves over whether what we’re doing now is or isn’t matching up with what was on the schedule. In my case, I end up checking the time so often that I’m no longer able to enjoy what I’m doing.

People who don’t live with autism often think that the rest of us won’t be able to understand the plan for the day just by listening. But have a go, and although we might ask you the same questions over and over, we will get the hang of it, and ask you less and less. Sure, this will take time, but I think it’s easier for us in the long run. Of course, when it comes to explaining the order that you do certain actions in, or instructions about how to make such-and-such an object, visual aids, like pictures, can help us a lot. But being shown photos of places we’re going to visit on an upcoming school trip, for example, can spoil our fun.

Q57 W
HAT
CAUSES
PANIC
ATTACKS
AND
MELTDOWNS
?

I don’t know if you can understand this one. Panic attacks can be triggered by many things, but even if you set up an ideal environment that gets rid of all the usual causes for a given person, we would
still
suffer panic attacks now and then.

One of the biggest misunderstandings you have about us is your belief that our feelings aren’t as subtle and complex as yours. Because how we behave can appear so childish in your eyes, you tend to assume that we’re childish on the inside, too. But of course, we experience the same emotions that you do. And because people with autism aren’t skilful talkers, we may in fact be even more sensitive than you are. Stuck here inside these unresponsive bodies of ours, with feelings we can’t properly express, it’s always a struggle just to survive. And it’s this feeling of helplessness which sometimes drives us half crazy, and brings on a panic attack or a meltdown.

When this is happening to us, please just let us cry, or yell, and get it all out. Stay close by and keep a gentle eye on us, and while we’re swept up in our torment, please stop us hurting ourselves or others.

Q58 W
HAT
ARE
YOUR
THOUGHTS
ON
AUTISM
ITSELF
?

I think that people with autism are born outside the regime of civilization. Sure, this is just my own made-up theory, but I think that, as a result of all the killings in the world and selfish planet-wrecking that humanity has committed, a deep sense of crisis exists.

Autism has somehow arisen out of this. Although people with autism look like other people physically, we are in fact very different in many ways. We are more like travellers from the distant, distant past. And if, by our being here, we could help the people of the world remember what truly matters for the Earth, that would give us a quiet pleasure.

F
OREWORD

I wrote this story in the hope that it will help you to understand how painful it is when you can’t express yourself to the people you love. If this story connects with your heart in some way, then I believe you’ll be able to connect back to the hearts of people with autism too.

I’
M
RIGHT
HERE

Shun used to think that he knew himself very well, but from that day on he was no longer sure.
Everyone’s staring at my face
. The early evening sky was ominous with orange clouds bound by ash-grey.
Why are they all staring at me?
When Shun had emerged from his local supermarket, an old man came over and asked, ‘What are you doing here?’ Shun had never met him before. He wore a red hat pulled down low over his eyes, a white T-shirt and black knee-length shorts, even though it was winter.
Never talk to strangers
, Shun had told himself, and started hurrying for home. And that was the moment when Shun noticed –
everyone’s staring at my face
. His first thought was that everyone was worrying about him, but no, it wasn’t that kind of look … How to put it? Not a surprised look, not a searching gaze … more of an icy, heart-chilling stare. Whatever it was, Shun ran off home.

‘I’m back!’

Shun was relieved to get back home, safe and sound at last. His mum was busy preparing supper as usual. Shun opened the fridge and spoke to his mum while he took out a carton of juice. ‘Hey, Mum, today I …’ Then Shun’s words just dried up. She was just standing there. Apron on, pan in hand, her hair and clothes the same as they were when Shun had left home earlier, but still, Shun couldn’t move a muscle.
That icy stare again
. Everything seemed to be revolving around him in slow motion.
Get away from here, go, now, get out!
Was Shun thinking this, or was someone ordering him? Shun managed to marshal his unmoving body into action, and he fled outside, almost howling.

Shun found himself in a park, with no memory of how he’d arrived there. Even though it was cold, his body was soaked in sweat. He was exhausted.
What’s going on
? To try to get a grip on things, Shun decided to look back over the day.
I woke up, I went to school, I came home. So far, so normal. And after that … after that …
He remembered nothing.
What the hell did I do next
? Shun sat on his bench, staring into space, while the wintry wind blew all around him. Like the hole in the middle of a doughnut, the memory had somehow fallen out from Shun’s mind. He couldn’t even cry.
How strange that a person can keep his head, even when things have become as desperate as this
. The sun was sinking low now.
I have to do something about this
, Shun thought, yet at the same time, he was also feeling,
whatever happens to me, happens
. How much time had gone by? Shun noticed darkness all around him. He hauled himself to his feet.

With no clear destination in mind, Shun carried on walking. Nobody else was around. Maybe all the people were in their houses. However lonely Shun might have felt, he didn’t want to see anyone, not even his friends.
I wonder if they’re worrying about me at home by now?
Shun’s feet led him back to his house.

But it looked as though his house was in complete darkness. Shun’s dad was supposed to come home from work early that day, so Shun wondered where his parents could have got to. At the same time, he felt relief to be back.
They must have gone out to look for me
, he thought.
And it wasn’t as if anyone was actually hassling me, earlier, they kept staring at me in that weird way, that’s all
. Feeling much better now, Shun decided to wait for his parents in front of his house. The winter sky at night was beautiful, and the flickering of the stars soothed his heart.

Footsteps drew nearer.
That must be Mum and Dad
. Shun went running up to them. ‘I’m really, really sorry to make you worry about me, I just …’ But something was very wrong about them.
Maybe they can’t recognize me in the dark?
So Shun grabbed his mother by her arm …

… or he thought he did, but her arm wasn’t there.
What? This can’t be happening!
Shun had absolutely no idea what was going on. He just stood there, struck dumb, as his parents walked by, right in front of him. All Shun could do was repeat to himself,
this can’t be true, it can’t be true
. He crouched on the ground, hugging his knees.
What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Help me. Help …

‘Ah, so here you are.’ Shun heard a voice and looked up. Standing there was the old man he’d met outside the supermarket. He was looking down at Shun with a kind face. ‘You’re all right. You’re all right. Let’s go back together.’ The old man took hold of Shun’s hand.

Shun just looked at the old man.

Softly, the old man told Shun, ‘You don’t belong to this world any more.’

Shun didn’t have a clue what he was on about.

‘Shun,’ the old man said, ‘you didn’t notice the moment that you died. On your way to the supermarket, I’m afraid you were hit by a car that jumped the red light.’

The memory of the scene slowly returned to Shun.
Yeah, that’s right, I meant to dodge the car, but then I sort of froze and couldn’t move, yes, then I was hit, and I thought
, What an ungodly mess
this
is going to be,
but then I came round again and there I was, still outside the supermarket …
Shun’s eyes began to brim with tears.
So I’m dead? Me? Dead? And I can’t even stop blubbing … I don’t want to be dead. No. No, no. No!

Shun cried, and he kept on crying.

How much time had gone by? Nobody can cry for ever, after all. By and by Shun’s tears dried up, but his mind was still blank. The old man spoke: ‘Righto. What say we go back now?’

Back? Go back where?
‘But my home’s right … here.’ Shun had a quick peek into his house through the window. He could see into the living room.
Crying … Mum and Dad are both crying their eyes out
.

Shun’s eyes started filling up once again.

So what am I supposed to do now?

The old man motioned to Shun and began walking, and, as if drawn after him by an invisible cord, Shun followed. The old man strode out towards the west.
What’s waiting for me up ahead?
Even though Shun was dead, he was still gripped by the fear of death. In a quaking voice he asked, ‘Where are we going?’

The old man put his arm around Shun’s shoulder and replied matter-of-factly: ‘We’re off to Heaven, of course.’

‘Oh. I’ve, um … never been to Heaven before.’

The old man laughed out loud. ‘Obviously.’

The Path to Heaven.
Yes, I read about it in a book, a long time ago … It was a beautiful white path leading upwards to Heaven, with the loveliest never-ever-seen flowers all around
. Thinking these things, Shun kept pace with the old man. About half an hour may have passed. Shun was wondering if the Path to Heaven could really be as plain and dull as this one. What’s more, he didn’t feel the remotest bit dead. Even though things had looked so desperate and bleak before, Shun was now feeling much more like his old self again. ‘Excuse me, sir, will we be arriving in Heaven any time soon? It’s just I feel tired enough to keel over and die.’

The old man snorted out a laugh.

So Shun snorted out a laugh, too.

Who would have guessed it?
thought Shun.
You can find something to laugh at in any situation, even when you’re dead
. Mulling this over, Shun found he was feeling happier.

‘Well, you finally smiled about something,’ said the old man. ‘Then the Path to Heaven begins right here.’ Serenely, he raised both his hands towards the sky. He seemed to be saying something, but Shun couldn’t catch what it was.