The Reason I Jump (7 page)

Q38 W
HY
DO
YOU
LINE
UP
YOUR
TOY
CARS
AND
BLOCKS
?

Lining things up is the best fun. Watching running water is great fun, too. Other kids seem to enjoy games about pretending and make-believe, but as a person with autism I never really see the point of them.

What I care about – in fact I’m pretty obsessive about this – is the order things come in, and different ways of lining them up. It’s actually the lines and the surfaces of things like jigsaw puzzles that we love, and things like that. When we’re playing in this way, our brains feel refreshed and clear.

Q39 W
HY
DO
YOU
LIKE
BEING
IN
THE
WATER
?

We just want to go back. To the distant, distant past. To a primeval era, in fact, before human beings even existed. All people with autism feel the same about this one, I reckon. Aquatic life-forms came into being and evolved, but why did they then have to emerge onto dry land, and turn into human beings who chose to lead lives ruled by time? These are real mysteries to me.

In the water it’s so quiet and I’m so free and happy there. Nobody hassles us in the water, and it’s as if we’ve got all the time in the world. Whether we stay in one place or whether we’re swimming about, when we’re in the water we can really be at one with the pulse of time. Outside of the water there’s always too much stimulation for our eyes and our ears, and it’s impossible for us to guess how long one second is or how long an hour takes.

People with autism have no freedom. The reason is that we are a different kind of human, born with primeval senses. We are outside the normal flow of time, we can’t express ourselves, and our bodies are hurtling us through life. If only we could go back to that distant, distant, watery past – then we’d all be able to live as contentedly and as freely as you lot!

Q40 D
O
YOU
LIKE
ADVERTS
ON
TV
?

This is a difficult one. I’m not quite sure what the answer is. If you figured that we must like TV adverts just because the slogans and catchphrases roll off our tongues so easily, that wouldn’t be the full story. We remember them as well as we do because they’re on so often, and sure, we dash to the TV when a familiar advert comes on. We enjoy watching the ones we know well. How come you people without autism aren’t that keen on TV commercials? They’re on again and again and again, after all – so isn’t seeing them a bit like being visited by old and dear friends?

I’m not a big fan of TV adverts in and of themselves, but when a familiar ad comes on, I get quite excited about it. This is because when a familiar one comes on I already know what it’s talking about, and I feel sort of soothed knowing that they never last for long. The reason why we look happy to your eyes while we’re watching TV ads must be that at all other times we’re less stable and calm, and our faces are blanker. Perhaps what you’re getting when you look at us watching adverts on the telly is a brief glimpse of the Real Us.

Q41 W
HAT
KIND
OF
TV
PROGRAMMES
DO
YOU
ENJOY
?

Even at my age, I still enjoy this TV programme for kindergarten kids,
Watching with Mother
. Reading that, you must be thinking, ‘Ah, this guy’s just a big kid, after all!’ But that’s not the case, in my humble opinion. Sure, we may appear to resemble small children – our fondness for gentle, kind, beautiful things – but we tend to prefer simpler, more straightforward stories, not because of childishness, but because we can more easily guess what’s going to happen next. This allows us to stay more relaxed and more engaged. Plus the simpler stories tend to repeat themselves a lot, so when we get to a familiar scene we can get all excited and make a happy fuss.

People with autism get quite a kick out of repetition. If I was asked how come, my reply would be this: ‘When you’re in a strange new place, aren’t
you
relieved too if you run into a friendly, familiar face?’

What we just don’t do are disputes, bargaining or criticizing others. We’re totally helpless in these scenarios.

A
STORY
I
HEARD
SOMEWHERE

There was once a girl who loved dancing and she wore red shoes. Everybody who knew her thought,
That girl will keep dancing until the day she dies
, and who knows, maybe the girl thought the same thing herself.

One night, when the whole world was fast asleep, she began dancing. She went:

A twirl and a whirl and a leaping curl,

A-skippetty-skippetty skip-skip-skip,

A-tappetty-tappetty tap-tap-tap,

A-tra-lah-di-dah and a tim tam tom.

The girl was in a state of sheer bliss.
How sublime it is to dance!
A whole week went by in this manner. Then she thought,
I wonder how much longer I can keep this up?
By this point she was almost dead on her feet, but all she wished for was to keep on dancing, dancing, dancing.

Then, on the eighth day, this handsome young man appeared. He said to her, ‘Would you care to dance with me?’ With that, the girl stopped dancing. She said, ‘Thanks, but no. I’ve just discovered something more precious than dancing.’ Then, in a small house, they lived happily ever after.

Q42 W
HY
DO
YOU
MEMORIZE
TRAIN
TIMETABLES
AND
CALENDARS
?

Because it’s fun! We get a real kick out of numbers, us people with autism. Numbers are fixed, unchanging things. The number 1, for example, is only ever, ever the number 1. That simplicity, that clearness, it’s so comforting to us.

Whoever reads any given timetable or calendar, it’s always, always the same. You can easily understand all of them by following the same set of rules. And when it comes to our favourite things, we can memorize these as easily as if they were jumping straight into our heads. Invisible things like human relationships and ambiguous expressions, however, these are difficult for us people with autism to get our heads around.

Perhaps you’re thinking that it’s no major effort for me to write these sentences, but that wouldn’t be true at all. Always lurking at the back of my mind is an anxiety about whether or not I’m perceiving things in the same way that people without autism do. So, via TV, books and just tuning in to the people around me, I’m constantly learning about how ordinary people are supposed to feel in given situations. And whenever I learn something new, I write a short story dealing with the situation in question. This way, with luck, it won’t slip my mind.

Q43 D
O
YOU
DISLIKE
READING
AND
UNPICKING
LONG
SENTENCES
?

No, I don’t dislike longer sentences. Whatever else is going on, I’m always hungry to learn about lots of different things. It really gets me down that people just don’t understand how hungry for knowledge people with autism actually are. The problem isn’t that I dislike longer sentences. The problem is that my patience wears out so quickly. I get tired so soon and lose all track of what the sentence was about. I can read simple picture books without much trouble, so when I’m alone, I tend to choose one of these. They are easy to follow and stimulate my imagination, and I never get bored with them.

I want to grow up learning a million things! There must be countless other people with autism who have the same desire, the same attitude. But our problem is, we aren’t capable of studying all by ourselves. To be able to study like other people, we need more time and different strategies and approaches. And those people who help us study, they actually need more patience than we do. They need to understand our eagerness to learn, even though from the outside we may not appear to be keen students. But we are. We, too, want to grow.

Q44 W
HAT
DO
YOU
THINK
ABOUT
RUNNING
RACES
?

I don’t hate races, but the instant I’m conscious of the need to run fast, I find that I can’t. If I’m just running for fun with my friends, I find I can run as long as I want to – it’s as if I’m making friends with the wind. Sometimes people say that I’m very good at running away, but really it’s just that, when someone’s chasing me, I find it both funny and frightening when the chaser is catching me up. This prompts me to put on a spurt of speed, and I’m off.

The reason I can’t run well once I’m aware of needing to isn’t to do with nerves. My problem is that as soon as I try to run fast, I start thinking about how I ought to be moving my arms and legs, and then my whole body freezes up. And another reason I don’t do well in races is that I don’t really get any pleasure out of beating other people. I agree that it’s right and proper to do the best you can in a race, but this desire to beat everyone else is another matter altogether. So on competitive occasions like school sports days, the pleasure I get just by being there takes over, and I’ll end up running the race with all the urgency of someone skipping his way across a meadow.

Q45 W
HY
DO
YOU
ENJOY
GOING
OUT
FOR
WALKS
SO
MUCH
?

My guess is that lots of people with autism like walking, and I wonder if you can work out why. ‘Because walking makes you feel good?’ ‘Because it’s great being out in the open air?’ Both these replies are true, of course, but for me the number one reason is that us people with autism love the greenness of nature. Now you might be thinking, ‘Oh, is that all?’ However, our fondness for nature is, I think, a little bit different to everyone else’s. I’m guessing that what touches you in nature is the beauty of the trees and the flowers and things. But to us people with special needs, nature is as important as our own lives. The reason is that when we look at nature, we receive a sort of permission to be alive in this world, and our entire bodies get recharged. However often we’re ignored and pushed away by other people, nature will always give us a good big hug, here inside our hearts.

The greenness of nature is the lives of plants and trees. Green is life. And that’s the reason we love to go out for walks.

Q46 D
O
YOU
ENJOY
YOUR
FREE
TIME
?

So what do
you
do in your free time? Because for people with autism, free time is in fact un-free time. ‘You can do whatever you feel like doing, now,’ someone might tell us. But actually, it’s pretty hard for us to find something we do feel like doing, not just like that. If we happen to see some toys or books we’re always playing with or reading, then sure, we’ll pick them up. Thing is, however, that’s not so much what we
want
to do as something we
can
do. Playing with familiar items is comforting because we already know what to do with them, so then, of course, people watching us assume,
Aha, so that’s what he likes to do in his free time
… What I really want to do, however, is to get stuck into some difficult book or to debate some issue or other.

We are misunderstood, and we’d give anything if only we could be understood properly. People with autism would be suffering breakdowns over this – all the time – if we weren’t holding ourselves in so tightly. Please, understand what we really are, and what we’re going through.

Q47 W
OULD
YOU
GIVE
US
AN
EXAMPLE
OF
SOMETHING
PEOPLE
WITH
AUTISM
REALLY
ENJOY
?

We do take pleasure in one thing that you probably won’t be able to guess. Namely, making friends with nature. The reason we aren’t much good at people skills is that we think too much about what sort of impression we’re making on the other person, or how we should be responding to this or that. But nature is always there at hand to wrap us up, gently: glowing, swaying, bubbling, rustling.

Just by looking at nature, I feel as if I’m being swallowed up into it, and in that moment I get the sensation that my body’s now a speck, a speck from long before I was born, a speck that is melting into nature herself. This sensation is so amazing that I forget that I’m a human being, and one with special needs to boot.