The Remedy Files: Illusion (18 page)

Gavin is right about one thing. I don’t understand what he’s saying. It’s like he expects for me to get it despite him only giving me half the information I need to know. “I was going to get paired, though, Gavin. You about let that happen. If you wanted to save me, why did you let me get so close to that point?”

“No, Evie. You’re wrong. If I knew you were going to get paired, I would have saved you a lot earlier. I know after that point I would have lost you and that,” he stops pacing long enough to look me straight in the eyes. “is never going to happen. I am never going to lose you.” He pauses, still looking at me, and then starts pacing again. “You weren’t supposed to get paired. I don’t know what happened. You were supposed to be one of the Unpaired and I thought that was going to be a safe place for you until I could get you. Impetus doesn’t put a lot of focus on the Unpaired. They’re more concerned about the Pairings. You would have been a lot more off their radar. I thought I still had time.”

Gavin’s comment reminds me about the conversation I overheard the night before the Futures Ceremony with the Doctor and the strange man. I was right; they were talking about me. He confirmed I was going to be one of the Unpaired but they changed that last minute all in efforts to cover a mistake they made. They were going to change my deemed future and they didn’t care! Of course they don’t care, I remind myself. These are the same people that threw me in a box to rot. 

Gavin stops pacing and walks back to me, bending down right in front of me, leaning in close. “You…” He reaches out to wipe the tears from both of my cheeks. “You have been my focus for the past twelve years. I would have done anything in this world to protect you and I will fight every single day to continue to keep you safe. You are my best friend. You are…” He doesn’t finish his sentence and for a moment, as he’s looking into my eyes, holding my face and tilting his in so closely, I wonder if he’s going to kiss me. On the lips. Something I’ve only seen in old movies and I’ve wondered how it feels. And now, I’m not only wondering, but wanting it badly. I want to taste his lips on mine as a different type of heat rises through my chest and down my body. My heart is going to jump through my chest. As the anticipation grows greater, I watch the distance between us close one tiny millimeter after another in slow motion.

When I think he’s about to do it, he lifts his lips and pushes them against my forehead. They linger there for a while. The heat that moved through my body now turns to tingles and the whole world is circling around us, leaving us suspended in time.

However, I feel disappointed- maybe even a little sad when he finally pulls back. I want to pull him in and tell him to do it again, but to not stop and this time to makes sure he covers my lips as well. Instead, I stay quiet, watching his eyes carefully.

Gavin keeps his eyes on the ground, and then turns his head to look around him. When he glances back at me, he stands up, putting one hand out for me to grab. “We should probably get a bite to eat and then get you back to the cot. You’ve pushed it quite a bit today and need your rest.”

I stare at him with my mouth agape. How can he change so quickly? One moment he was completely open and vulnerable to me, the next he’s ordering me around again.

Reluctantly, I grab his hand so he can pull me up. Once I’m on my feet, he immediately lets go and then in too formal of a way, puts his arm around my waist to support me. Within seconds, we are walking again as though that moment- the one where he kissed my forehead- never existed.

I’m replaying the moment in my mind, wondering if I said something wrong or did something wrong and analyzing anything at all that could discourage him from taking that move to a deeper level. Nothing I replay gives credit to any of that. It’s only the other side of Gavin and there’s no telling how long I’ll have to wait to get a moment like that again.

I think about my realization of emotions and feelings with Jacqueline and Gavin earlier, about experiencing love for them as my best friends. I can’t help but wonder if what I feel for Gavin is actually a bit deeper than that. It would make sense- with the way I felt so jealous over Marlena when I thought she was something more to him.

Sometimes when Gavin and I hit rocks in the path that cause us to stumble as we’re walking together, his hand on my waist will automatically squeeze tighter as a reaction to holding on to me to keep me safe. Every time that happens, I can sense hope rising inside of me, thinking that maybe he’ll stop, turn me around, and kiss me in a deep, powerful way. 

But it’s just a fantasy that never occurs.

CHAPTER 24
 

My progress the next morning is even greater as I wake up and get off my cot completely by myself. I stand there for a moment, taking in my accomplishment which seems so minor but is really quite the feat. It’s still incredibly early, the dark glow of night has yet to fade and the community of Rebirth feels heavy with people fast asleep. Except for Gavin’s cot. It’s empty so he must have gotten an prompt start doing whatever it is that he runs off to do.

I sneak a look at Liam who is sleeping peacefully on the cot to my right. He’s usually up way before me. He was working pretty hard last night so he must have been exhausted. During dinner, several of us were watching him as he practiced training exercises with some of the other men. At one point, he shed his shirt that was dripping in sweat from the heat. What he revealed was a chiseled chest and abs that left several of the women calling out to him. He either ignored their calls or pretended he didn’t hear them because he showed no reaction whatsoever.     

Marlena kept trying to shush the women but was laughing with them while calling them hornballs. I didn’t ask what it means, but I could guess. I’m still trying to learn some of the words they throw around so freely here. For them all coming from Impetus, they’ve definitely created their own language since joining Rebirth.

Shuffling in efforts to get used to walking on my own again, I tread into the Center to see if Marlena is awake. But there isn’t any activity stirring yet. I walk to the training center to look at some of the equipment Liam and the other guys were using last night. I pick up one of the heavy wooden blocks they use as dumbbells. Someone in Rebirth is amazing with the carving tools because the wood is slick, flawless so to not cut into anyone’s skin. Immediately I can feel the strain of my ribs so I set it down quickly.  Now is not the time to get hurt again. I need to heal so I can figure out a way to rescue Jacqueline and the others from Impetus. 

I grab some fruit from the storage hut and limp back to my cot. On the way, I notice a new hut sitting a bit off the main path, somewhat behind the two closest to the road. It looks freshly made, with nothing yet worn down. I walk closer to it, the scent of chopped bamboo stalks and blades that cover it filling the air. The doorway is wide open with no curtain yet to block the entrance so I poke my head in. It’s empty.

I walk along the paths of the curved walls, my hand dragging along the smooth bamboo. It’s unique because the other huts are more square shape but this one is designed like a circle. I like it; it makes me feel more protected. The only thing in it is a table on one side built out of more bamboo. Lying on the table in a cup of water are three bamboo orchids. They are beautiful sitting there, alone in the room. I stare at them and imagine that they are dancing in the silence, happy to be alive, joyful to be a part of this room that feels so peaceful and safe.

“Do you like it?” A voice interrupts my thoughts.

Liam is standing in the doorway, a sleepy look still on his face as though he woke up only seconds ago. I glance around the room once more. “It’s different than all the rest.” I respond, letting my head bob up and down in its own answer. 

“It’s yours.” He discloses, as though embarrassed. I can see the blush tint of his cheeks even from standing across the room.

“This is… my hut?”  I exclaim.

“Yeah, of course it is. You didn’t think we’d have you sleeping out in the woods forever, did you?”

I then think about how this wasn’t here yesterday morning. The only time I saw Liam was first thing in the morning and for a short time while eating dinner. “Liam, did you make this for me?”

“I had some help.” He replies sheepishly. Of course, he would never fess up to doing something like this on his own. “I didn’t finish until late last night and you were already fast asleep so I had to wait to show it to you. I should have known that you would find it first.”

I am astounded that he would spend all this time making me my own hut. It never struck me before that I would eventually have one. The more I thought about how it was my new home- my new home that I was supposed to have in Impetus before everything occurred- tears fill my eyes. This represents my new life. The life that I spent 18 years wondering about has been decided. However, this time, it was decided mostly by me. This is my home. This is where I will live. And Liam put all of his effort into making sure this hut was something I like.

“How did you know I’d like the circular format better? Or that the bamboo orchids are my favorite flower?”  I ask, amazed that he got everything I could have wanted right despite meeting me only several days earlier.

“It’s not hard to figure you out, Evangeline.” He says softly, his hand running through his hair. “Your eyes go to what your mind is on. I’ve seen the way you get nervous in spaces that look like a box. I’ve seen you stare at these flowers as your eyes light up.” He shuffles his feet a bit. “My favorite, though, is when your eyes land on me.”

I could have sworn the floor disappears beneath me because my knees weaken as though I’m going to fall to the ground. A part of me likes that he is observant of me; the other half is embarrassed that he can read me so well. Our eyes connect and stay fused together from a distance. I am fixated by his eyes. They captivated me the first day I saw him and continue to have the same effect. There seems to be a fire burning in them this time and an passion that I only had a brief glance of while watching him train last night.

He breaks the silence by asking, “Would you like to have breakfast with me? And afterwards, if you feel like it, maybe take a walk?”

His question makes me want to scream out loud “YES!” but I try hard to hold it all inside and instead, let my smile hopefully speak for it. I answer as casually as possible with, “I’d like that.”

Liam returns my smile. “Good. Stay here then, I’ll be right back.”

When Liam leaves, the excited anticipation of his return overwhelms me. I feel so… giddy. That has to be the best way to describe it. Even when Remedy was trying to block it, his touch still managed to give me goosebumps. There’s something about Liam that I want to keep exploring. 

Unlike Marlena’s hut, mine doesn’t have a mirror yet. I have no clue what I look like and if my appearance is acceptable. Unfortunately by the time I shuffle over to hers and back, Liam will be left wondering where I’m at. I also can’t risk having Marlena join in on our breakfast. I want this alone time with Liam. Hopefully I don’t look too disheveled. I lick my hands and use them to pat down my hair and then take my shirt to my face to do a quick dry wash off. Ugh, I wish I was better prepared for this.

When Liam returns, his hands are full with a blanket and a plate that holds several hard boiled eggs and a variety of fruit. He places the food on the table and lays out the blanket on the floor. “After you,” he grins while holding his arm out as a crutch for me. I give my best effort at a curtsy and use his arm to balance as I carefully sit down on the blanket and try to find a position that’s the most comfortable. Liam gets the plate from the table and sits down across from me, placing the plate in the middle.

A nervous tension fills the air. Neither one of us is looking at each other, nor touching the food. We are both sitting on the ground, cross legged, in complete paralyzed silence. My stomach is doing somersaults and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m hungry or because of how quickly the air has changed.

“Ok, this is going to sound random and maybe a bit straight forward, but I need to know.” Liam takes a breath. “Are you and Gavin, like a… well, not a pairing, but a couple?”

“What?” I choke out, finally looking up at him. I didn’t expect Gavin to be the center of our conversation this morning.

Liam’s face is red. I can tell this is awkward and not the way either one of us wanted this conversation to go. “Well, he’s so protective of you. He’s brought a lot of people in but he doesn’t treat them like he treats you. Even Marlena said something about it the other day. And I like Gavin. He’s done a lot for me. I don’t want to cross any lines with him. Like sitting here, with you…”

“So sitting here with me is wrong but building me this hut is acceptable?” I say teasingly in effort to break the uncomfortable tension.

Liam’s eyes meet mine, and a shy grin creeps on his face. “Well, that was a need versus... you know.” 

My mind drifts back to yesterday when I was with Gavin. He looked like he was going to kiss me and then didn’t. I wanted him to. But I don’t know if it was just for the sake of experiencing it, or because it’s him.

Sitting here with Liam, every nerve feels alive and is pulsating throughout my body. I want to kiss him. I don’t know if I could just sit back and wait for him to do it. I want to take the action in my hands and kiss him. It’s a different feeling than it is with Gavin. With Liam, I always feel purely excited. With Gavin, I feel frustrated so often that I don’t even know what to do.

Regardless of how I feel, Gavin won’t do anything. He shuts down so quickly. There’s no need for me to figure out my feelings one way or another because he’s made it clear that it’s not an option on his end. His moods are unpredictable from one moment to the next. Besides, I’d rather feel this steady excitement than the frustration any day.

“Breakfast is a need.” I counter deliberately and then realize this is exactly how Gavin responds to all my questions.  I hate it when he answers this way. He’s rubbed off on me more than I care to admit.

Liam laughs. “Okay, okay. I give. You‘ve made your point.”

“Hey,” I say, and wait for his eyes to connect with mine. I need to answer my way, not Gavin’s way. “No, Gavin and I aren’t anything. Friends, that’s all. Good friends.” My heart thumps against my chest, half of it feeling free by that statement and the other half shattering into multiple pieces. I try not to focus on what it means. I’m with Liam. I want this to be my main concern right now.

Instantly the air becomes lighter. Liam sits up a little straighter, the grin now in full bloom on his face. He reaches over to the plate and pops a grape into his mouth. “So, let me tell you about the new little woodland creature I met yesterday that apparently thought I looked guilty of stealing its food supply…”

I honestly would struggle to recall the majority of our conversation that took place. I remember laughing consistently as he told me stories about his adventures searching for supplies and about his first time feeling the touch of certain things- like the giant caterpillar he found once and a broken egg yolk that ended up on him from a cooking mishap. He tells me about the first time he took a bath and three other grown men ended up in the pond as well and how awkward it was with everyone exaggerating that they weren’t looking at each other so there wasn’t any doubt that someone was scoping the other person out.       

I wouldn’t be able to recall all the details, but I do know I laugh a lot- more than maybe I ever have before in my life. I keep thinking how in this hut, I’m seeing what seems to be a secret side of Liam. He’s always so serious, focused, and hard working when out in Rebirth.  I probably would have even called him a bit shy. But in this hut, with mostly closed walls, he is open, sweet and funny and I am the only one privy to being exposed to it.

I wasn’t sure if he would open up to me again after being so vulnerable at the pond and the way our conversation ended without any closure. But he’s showing a new side to me, proving that he trusts me. All I want is to protect this developing memory and prevent any outside interruptions. I want to sit here and do nothing but listen to all the stories he wants to share. I don’t want him to stop. I feel like it’s my own delicious secret: the real Liam. Even better than the one I thought I knew, the one I’ve dreamt of, the one I originally met in a place that seems so far from our reality in this moment. 

I am not sure how long exactly we sit on this floor in my new home and talk. My visual memories are going to last much longer than the ones of everything I hear. Our fingers grazing each other’s as we reach for various pieces of breakfast in front of us. The way he is in the middle of a story and stops talking long enough to reach out and brush a strand of hair out of my face. At one point I am somehow bold enough to put my hand on his to emphasize a point I am stating. I can’t even articulate what I’m saying because in this moment I just keep thinking “My hand is on his hand. My hand is on his hand.” I am in awe how something so simple can be so exciting.

When Nate walks in to say, “Liam, I’ve been searching everywhere for you. We gotta get going.” I want so badly to throw anything I can grab at Nate and tell him to take a hike. But I bite my tongue. I am relieved to see Liam looks equally disappointed.

“Sorry, Evangeline. We’re on duty today to search for and restock supplies. Time must have gotten away from me. Raincheck on the walk?”

“Yes, for sure.”

Liam stands up, brushing off his pants. “Thanks for an amazing breakfast. Do you need help getting up?”

Since I plan on melting on the floor as soon as he leaves, I just smile and give a shake of my head. I don’t want to open my mouth for fear of begging him not to go. Instead, I watch him follow Nate out the door.

My happiness high quickly declines to a low as I am so sad for the moment to end. I push myself up on my feet and start gathering up the blanket when I hear, “Hey Evangline?”