The Remedy Files: Illusion (15 page)

“Hi!” She says in a peppy tone, contagious just like her smile. “I’m Marlena.”

“I’m—“

Marlena cuts me off. “Evangline, I know. I’ve heard so much about you. I can’t even tell you how excited I am to finally meet you and get to talk to you!” She gives me a soft hug, careful to not squeeze too tightly.

“Marlena is the one who helped clean you up when we first brought you here.” Gavin tells me.

Of course she would be a saint. I’m sure she’s perfect in every sense of the word
, I think bitterly. Ugh. Why am I thinking so negatively about a woman who has helped me?

I force my best smile and say, “Thank you… for helping me. And,” I cough, “for letting me borrow Gavin all these years.”

She laughs and punches Gavin in the shoulder lightly. “You know our Gavin, here. He does whatever he wants to.”

Gavin chuckles. “You keep a pretty tight leash on me, though!”

That pinch in my stomach occurs again except feels a bit more intense this time. They obviously have a strong relationship. And she knows about me. He must tell her everything, just like I had thought. Now I know why he never shared much about his own life with me. He already had someone to share all of that with.

“I know you’re still healing but once you’re able to get around a bit more, I’ll show you the full ropes of Rebirth. I actually have a little gift that I put together for you. Hold on for a minute.” She jogs to a hut on the side and goes inside.

“She’s sweet.” I mutter to Gavin.

“Yeah, she’s a good find.” He responds.

There is that feeling again except now has grown to a punch in the stomach. Why in the world do I keep feeling so jealous of her? Gavin is allowed to have his own life. He’s made that clear. I spent years thinking I was the only girl in his life- the one he wants to talk to the most. What a joke that was.

Within a few minutes, Marlena reappears and trotting back over to us, her ponytail bouncing with every step. In her hand is a brown worn down leather backpack.

“This is for you.” She hands it to me, and then changes her mind by giving it to Gavin instead which tells me I must still look pretty weak. “It has a few changes of clothes, undergarments, and basic hygiene necessities. If you need anything else at any point, don’t hesitate to ask me! I’m usually always around and more than happy to help.”

“Thanks, Marlena. I really appreciate it.” I say, a bit more genuinely this time. The idea of soap and a fresh change of clothes sound amazing right now and every ounce of me is grateful. 

“Oh!” She squeals. “I’m just so excited you’re here!” She gives me another soft hug and holds my free hand in hers for a second. “You will love it here, I promise,” she whispers before squeezing my hand and releasing to turn back to her wood pile.

I glance at Gavin who is smiling while watching her as she walks away. He looks back down at me. “Ready to see some other parts?”

I nod.

“You still feeling okay?” He asks, concern shadowing his face.

I nod again. There’s no way I’m going to tell him I’ve definitely experienced jealousy as an emotion for the first time. “Maybe a little weak.” I say instead, which is the truth, just not the core feeling that I’m focused on.

“Okay, we won’t go too much further.”

Gavin shifts a bit so that I can rebalance my weight on him. We walk together a little longer, making a tiny circle at the core of Rebirth as Gavin uses his other hand to point out different aspects of his community.

He shows me where the primary cooking occurs and where they store all of the excess food; he points out the building designated for bathrooms with men on one side and women on the other; there’s an area with various tools and equipment he says is used as the fitness arena; and then the various huts that some people prefer over open air cots.

“There’s no electricity here, so that’ll take some getting used to. We only use fire to cook, for light, and to heat anything else up that needs it. But you’ll adjust quickly, I’m sure.”

“Gavin, am I staying here?” The thought hits me for the first time as it simultaneously escapes my lips.

Gavin pulls me over to a large log and steadies me as I sit down. Sitting next to me he asks intensely, “You don’t want to go back to Impetus, do you? I mean… how could you possibly want to go back?”

“I haven’t really thought about it. There’s just been so much…” I feel a thick heaviness cover my heart, tightening, and causing heat to flourish in my throat. I start again, “There’s just been so much, Gavin. Ever since I woke up, and in my dreams when I sleep, and in the life before this which somehow feels so far away right now. I don’t know where to start with any of it.”

Gavin puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. I breathe in his comforting, familiar scent. It automatically calms me down. 

“It’ll take time, Evie. This is why I want to hold off on sharing everything at once with you. There’s a lot to absorb. I know you’re strong. I’ve seen you, I
know
you’re strong
.
But I have to protect you as much as I can and for the first time since I’ve met you, I feel like I finally can. I am not going to take that role lightly.”

I shake my head in efforts to protest but all that comes out of my mouth is a weak, “but…” My eyes feel exceedingly heavy as though I can’t keep them open and nausea is rising slowly in my throat. The world is beginning to tilt slightly. “Sleep.” I say instead.

Gavin quickly gets up, throws the backpack over his right shoulder and picks me up in his arms. Cradling close to him, I suddenly feel incredibly light as though I’m floating. I’m slowly rising above Rebirth. I wonder if I’m dying and this is how it feels. At least I now know how to feel. Why does Gavin’s community allow him to feel but yet mine banned it? I’m seeing Rebirth from the air, viewing it as the birds would, and I see people walking around happy. They know happiness.
Numb
, I think. That’s the word Gavin taught me years ago. That’s how I’ve lived my entire life so far. I want to feel… I want to know what Gavin’s lips on my forehead is actually like… I want to be happy every day.

CHAPTER 21
 

For the first morning since I’ve been at Rebirth, I wake up without any nightmares. It’s strange knowing I slept yet didn’t have any dreams. I can’t tell if I like it or not. It’s early in the morning, and there’s a slight chill. I listen, and hear nothing. It feels so peaceful. I don’t want to move at all for fear of disturbing the quiet.

In the slight breeze, I catch a hint of the smell of my clothes. The green dress that made me feel so beautiful is now a reminder of that pit Impetus threw me in and what they made me go through. I need to get cleaned up.

I sit up and stretch my arms, which causes pain to shoot out, but yet the stretch makes it more worth it. My muscles feel strong when they lengthen out and flex. The growling of my stomach interrupts my thoughts and is a reminder of how little I’ve eaten over the past several days.
This is hunger
, I think.

I’ve read about how hunger was such an epidemic during the wars of The Before. We never had to worry about it in Impetus. We were always on a schedule to eat and it was simply a fact of what we needed each day- similar to taking our Remedy pills. There doesn’t seem to be a schedule here in Rebirth. You eat when you
feel
like you need it. What a concept.

I attempt to push myself off the cot when I hear a voice ask, “Do you need some help?”

Looking up, I see Liam with the rising sun casting a light on him making him look somewhat angelic. It was just like my dream. He is incredibly handsome. Those eyes have to be the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

“Yes, please.” I say to him.

Liam walks to me, and holds out his hands. I grab both as electricity ripples throughout my body. My arms light up with goosebumps and I feel a warmth so deep inside of me that it alone, makes me feel like I could not only stand up on my own, but run around the entire forest several times. Our eyes connect and he smiles at me, making a second shot of electricity rip through me once again.

As he pulls me up from the cot, I watch his arm muscles as they protrude, making strong round curves, half covered by his short sleeved gray shirt which somehow succeeds in highlighting them even more. I feel a strong desire to touch his muscles and his skin with my lips.

Get it together, Evangeline!
I tell myself. I can definitely see how these emotions can get dangerous to deal with. I’ve had the strangest reactions and thoughts ever since Remedy has worn off.

I point to the bag lying next to my cot. “Can you hand that to me?” Liam lets go of one hand and stretches out his body to reach for the bag. Again, I can’t help but take in every inch of his body and watch as his muscles react to each movement he makes. He is… amazing. That’s the best word I can come up with as my mind enters a void.

He grabs the bag that Marlena gave me, stands back up and says, “What would you like with it?”

I refocus and use my free hand to open up the bag while Liam holds the base. I sift through it and when I see the bath soap, I let out a deep exhale and say, “I would really like to take a bath.”

Liam’s eyes widen a bit and he looks around quickly. “Let me go and try to find Gavin or Marlena.”

“I hate burdening them all the time. Will you just help me get to the bathing area? I can handle it from there.”

“Gavin would not be happy if he heard I left you at the pond by yourself. You’re still healing.”

My cheeks flush with frustration. “I am not going to sit here and wait for Gavin to get back. He is not the one that decides how things are done with me. I’m my own person and can call the shots on what I need. Please just help me get to the pond.”

Liam looks defeated but nods. “Ok. Hold on, though. Let me grab some food for us. You’re going to need some energy.” He walks over to a box at the edge of my cot and pulls out a couple of bananas, apples, and pieces of bread. Wrapping them in a blanket, he throws it in with the rest of the items in the backpack. “Ok, let’s go.”

I put one arm around his neck while he puts an arm around my waist. With the backpack in his other hand, we begin walking to the pond.

We have to stop often so I can catch my breath. A part of me still feels scared to breathe, as to not trigger something fatal with being off Remedy. I am going to have to build confidence that I can survive without it. Remedy is a part of who I’ve always been and it goes deep.

Walking through the center of Rebirth, I’m amazed with how serene it feels. Everyone must be sleeping or out hunting like Gavin. It looks completely empty. Finally I see the enclosure of trees where Gavin had pointed out the bathroom area resides.

We walk to the side of the building as Liam points to an open entryway under some brush. He puts one hand above my head as we duck so the branches don’t scratch us. When we enter, I am completely swept away by the beauty. The calm water looks crystal clear and there are a variety of vibrant flowers and plants that decorate the edges.

I follow Liam to the side of it where there’s a walkway as the pond starts shallow then increasingly gets deeper. He removes my arm from his neck and reaches into the backpack for a towel. Shaking the towel out, he holds it up and looks away. “Go ahead and take off your clothes and toss them to the side. I’m assuming we can go ahead and burn them.”

I am mortified but know there hasn’t been any hiding of my condition. “Yeah, for sure,” I confirm, eager to never see those garments again.

Slowly I unzip the hoodie, pulling it down my arms, grunting in pain. I pull the dress straps down my shoulders and push it down over my torso and legs but start to lose my balance so I reach out for Liam’s arm. I feel bumps on his arm—the same ones I get when he’s around. My lips spread into a smile and I look at him but his head is still turned in the opposite direction with his eyes shut. Despite the chill in the air, his face is slightly flushed and he has sweat beads dotting the top of his forehead.

I manage to pull my undergarments off with the dress, wrapping them in the hoodie. Then I remember the documents I copied. I search through the clothes again. They aren’t here. I wonder if they fell out at some point. When I don’t see them, I wad everything back up in the hoodie and throw it to the side. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore but I really hope those papers didn’t get in the wrong hands.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks as he folds up the towel. His back is now turned entirely away from me.

“Yes… just thought I lost something for a moment.” I say. Those documents are ones that Liam definitely doesn’t need to see since they were approving his wife and child to be terminated. I remember how badly I needed to talk to Gavin the day I found them but I couldn’t find a way to get to him.

I wade cautiously into the water, the fresh chill takes over my body as I sink deeper into it. I breathe out deeply. This is by far one of the best feelings I’ve experienced yet.

“This feels wonderful. You should get in too, Liam.”

Liam doesn’t respond and instead walks to the other side of the pond and sits on a log, keeping his back to me the entire time.

I splash around in the water, thinking of the children that would get their daily baths at the Home. Those poor children… they have no clue how amazing water actually feels.

“Liam, do you ever miss Impetus?”

I watch as Liam shifts to a different seating position on the log. “Sometimes. I think what I miss the most is not knowing everything that I know now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Life was defined. It was easy. Every day I woke up, I knew what I needed to do. Nowadays… I feel… well, I feel, you know? I feel so much all the time that it is a bit overwhelming. Before I use to just have thoughts. Plain black and white thoughts. Now all my thoughts seem tied into my being able to feel which sometimes becomes a battle of which one is going to win- my thoughts or my emotions? It’s all very confusing.”

“Yeah...” I’m starting to understand but he has a few more days on me here trying to make sense of all of this. One thing was clear and that was the vast difference of how we lived in Impetus compared to life in Rebirth. “What was your role in the Community?”

“I completed the Census Remedy logs. I’ve always been pretty good with numbers. I would analyze reports assuring that each person in Impetus was accounted for and that each one’s monitors were not reporting any suspicious levels.”

I stop splashing and put my feet on the bottom of the pond, my toes squeezing the mud underneath and the water barely reaching my neck. “So you knew who I was and was monitoring my Remedy levels?”

Liam starts to turn his head but then stops himself, and continues to look out at the trees. “No, I knew you as a name. I put your face to your name when I first saw you at the Doctor’s office.”

I let my mind replay that day. Him walking through the door with his hair wet, and the first time I was able to see those eyes. The way my skin filled up with goosebumps when I touched his wrist. He starred in many of my dreams but it was only recently when I realized it was actually him. Never would I have imagined this is where we would be.

“We’ve never been able to talk about how you ended up here. Can you tell me now?”

“If you think you’re ready.”

I lay on my back in the water, floating with my eyes closed. “I really want to hear it.”

After four years of trying multiple versions of the insemination process that is required every week during the month of September for Paired matches until they become pregnant, Angela finally had a success with their first child. However, several months into the pregnancy, she had started to fall ill. She was losing weight instead of gaining weight and vomiting more than they warned she would be doing. Despite these side effects, Doctor Bordine said this happened to a small part of the population and the required monthly doctor visits would be adequate for what they need.

Liam was called into the Clinic for his pairing’s 8-month checkup which is typically unusual. Doctor Bordine assured him everything was fine; they just needed him to take part in a few tests.

“That’s when I first met you.” He said, pausing, tilting his head a bit more in my direction with his eyes adverted to the sky. “And the next memory I have, it’s of waking up in the horrible box.”

The thought sends shudders throughout my body. I stand back up. “So they punished you? After…” I gulp as I search for the right words to say. “…everything they did to your family? That’s awful. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Liam’s back heaves as he takes a breath. “No, apparently it wasn’t called punishment in their eyes… although, it definitely felt that way. According to Gavin, they had plans to add me to their army so they were in process of conditioning me.”

“Impetus has an army?” This thought astonishes me.

He forces out a laugh. “I know, it sounds so strange. Yet it makes sense. You can’t tell me those bushes were going to keep us protected if anything happened.”

I join in his laughter. “That’s a good point.” Then I realize, “Are those what the tin buildings are for?”

“Yep. They go several layers deep with bunkers and weapons. They don’t have a military unit defined yet but they are working on it and apparently I was one of five recruits so far. They’re calling them extensions of the Lighthouse Guards.”

Recruit. I remember hearing Doctor Bordine and that other mystery man talk about checking on the new recruit. That must have been when they had captured Liam.

It’s so difficult to wrap my mind around any of this. “It just doesn’t seem real. Like all these stories… it can’t be the place that we used to call home.”

“I know. I’m not sure it’s ever going to sink in. It goes much deeper even, Evangeline…” Liam’s voice trails off. “I’m still finding out new things every single day. The reality as we knew it… it wasn’t true. I keep holding on to this hope that maybe there were more real parts than lies. I’m just not sure. Every day I’m here, that hope falters more.”

“Like what, Liam?” I suddenly feel desperate to know it all. “What lies are you discovering?”

Liam’s shakes his head. “Gavin told me to not reveal too much, and I have to obey that. You’re still healing, you need time, and too much at once isn’t good for you.”

Frustration. This feeling has been easy to define and I continue sensing it every time Liam brings up Gavin. It’s my immediate reaction. I don’t want Liam to think I’m weak and Gavin seems to keep painting that picture to him. “I can handle myself.” I say. “I appreciate Gavin but I’m stronger than he thinks I am.”

“I know you’re strong.” Liam nods, his voice sounds slightly musical as though filled with admiration. “Just please know I can’t say more than I’m allowed. I have to respect Gavin. You can talk to him about the rest.”

I sigh. Gavin wins again.

“I can at least finish my story, if you would like for me to.”

I wade a little closer to where Liam is sitting on the log to encourage him. “I want to hear everything you want to share.”

After three days in the box chamber, Liam was set free by Gavin. In their escape to leave, Liam broke away from Gavin to the Clinic in effort to save his wife and baby, not knowing what had been planned for them.

“Everyone was at that damn Ceremony.” He says angrily. He must be talking about the Futures Ceremony. So while I was being paired, Gavin was helping Liam escape…“I just walked right into the Clinic and to the back. No one was around. Not one nurse. There was an older lady lying in a bed but she was asleep and didn’t see me. I went to the room that Angela was supposed to be in and the bed was empty. In the room was a huge canister. I just knew…” His voice cracks. “I walked over and opened the canister and inside was her body. She was so white…”