The Rise of Emery James (12 page)

"Oh, um, yeah, I guess I do," I say. Jessica and Kelsey both pull out their phones, too, and get ready to type in my number. I hesitate for a second, knowing that by giving them all my number I'm giving them access back into my life. I'm not sure why that feels so big, but it does. I swallow the unease and relay the digits. Cole gives me an approving nod, like he's proud of me. I feel like an adolescent, or at the very least, some lost soul who has been wandering around aimlessly for years and is now trying to acclimate back into the real world.

"Awesome, I'll call you this week and we'll set something up. It was so good to see you. We'll let you get back to your dinner," Annie smiles. She gives me one more hug and the three of them grab some take out bags from the counter and head out.

I stare back at Cole feeling a little stunned and overwhelmed.

"She's still a force of nature," he laughs.

I can't help but chuckle at his assessment. "It was good seeing them again.”

"She won't give up until you hang out with her," he says.

He's right. Annie is nothing but determined. Maybe it will be good for me to get to know the girls again. I haven't had many friends since college. The ones that I had drifted away and the new ones that Gabe was always trying to push me towards were so different than me. I didn't like any of them. I'm not even sure I know how to have real friends anymore.

"So what are we doing after this?" I ask, changing the subject before I can fall into a self-examination that will lead nowhere good.

"Why change it up now? Let’s get some shakes and take a drive." His smile is warm and contagious.

"That sounds perfect."

Cole flags Brandy down and orders us each a shake. Vanilla with caramel for him, peanut butter and chocolate for me. Just like always. If you had asked me if I wanted to take this trip down memory lane I would have said no. It would have felt too daunting. But it's been good. I feel lighter. The past that felt so scary to confront is becoming comforting and somehow it’s making the future that I’m so unsure about feel a little less daunting. And for now, that’s as much I could dare ask for.

Cole

I MEANDER THE TOWN
in a lazy loop and Emery points out every new addition to the landscape, occasionally asking questions about people from our past and I catch her up on all of the gossip that she has missed. Eventually I end up at the high school. Emery sits a little taller when she realizes where we are.

"It looks smaller than I remember," she says, staring ahead at the large brick building. Even though we live in a small town our school was pretty big since it took in kids from all of the nearby towns. Darling is the last town before you hit the real city. Lately it has become more of a suburb, and now we all live on the edge of the hustle and bustle. A small town without the isolation of a no name place.

I look at the building and try to see it as Emery does now. She's been in the northeast so long I bet everything back here looks dull and insignificant. "Maybe because you remember it from when it was such a big part of your world. You've gone and seen the world now, James. Makes everything look different."

I realize too late I've used her old nickname and I expect her to call me out on it, but she doesn't.

"Maybe," she says thoughtfully.

"You want to get out and walk around?" I ask as I pull into one of the parking spots near the quad of buildings. It's still light out so we can easily navigate the campus.

She thinks for a minute before agreeing. "Yeah, okay."

Shakes in hand we start towards the steps that lead up to the giant front doors. Emery cups her hands against the glass and peers inside to the long darkened hall that leads to the maze of classrooms.

"I kind of wish we could get in," she says as she tries the door.

"We can get around to the courtyard," I suggest. Her eyes light up and she nods. The courtyard is where everyone spent their breaks and lunches. It was the center of everything. I take her hand as we move down the sidewalk and around the building to the huge open square of grass, benches and tables.

Emery finds a table and steps up on the bench to take a seat on the tabletop. I follow her and sit beside her. It's only been six years since we graduated, but it feels like a lifetime. Looking around this empty courtyard I can almost see us as we were then. I can almost hear her laughter or feel her leaned in against me. Life was easy then. There was nothing but hope for the future. No reason to believe that life would be anything less than it was in that moment.

Sitting here now, I realize that she never had it perfect. It was just easy for me to forget because we were so happy together. But even back then she'd seen her share of sadness. Losing her mom at such a young age had been tough on her. I don't think I realized it then, because she never really talked about it. Now, seeing the heaviness in her eyes after Gabe and Nana, I know that she was just really good at hiding the pain. I think she’s hidden it all away for so long that there isn't room to hide it anymore. It keeps bubbling to the surface.

"How's your shake?" I ask her as she sips from the plain white Styrofoam cup.

"I forgot how good these are," she says, taking a long drink. "You can't find these up north and if you do they don't have the clumps of actual peanut butter like this. So good."

I smile at the enjoyment on her face, her easy smile. It makes me feel like I've done something good.

"I can't get over this place," she says.

"You could teach here, ya know. How crazy would that be?"

She shrugs, "Maybe. I don't know. I'm thinking about it. I always wanted to teach younger kids, but it might be fun to teach English too." She sounds thoughtful and it's as if I can hear her rebuilding her dreams.

"You should. At least look into it. You'd be a great teacher. I always knew that."

"You think so?" she asks, sounding unsure of herself.

"Of course. Don't you remember how it was with the kids at the learning center? They loved you and you made a real difference," I point out. She smiles at the memory. She tutored at the learning center twice a week for years and made connections with those kids. They wanted to do better for her, she made them want to be better for themselves. She needs to remember that. Teaching is something that Emery was made to do.

"I did really love it," she admits.

"Don't let go of the dream. If you want to do it, then go for it," I urge.

She's quiet for a moment. "We'll see."

I let it go, satisfied that the idea is in her head and that she'll at least give it some serious thought.

We sit in comfortable silence, so comfortable that I'm startled when she finally speaks again. "Thanks for convincing me to come out tonight. I needed it. I needed to get out of the house. I’ve had fun. It's been a long time since I've had fun."

I bump her shoulder with mine. "Oh, Em, I have all kinds of fun up my sleeve. You just wait," I tease.

"One step at a time. I can't go getting crazy," she laughs.

Emery

THE NIGHT OUT WITH
Cole was good for me. I’m feeling the effects days later. I'm feeling better about my future here and even considering contacting the school board about getting certified here in Oklahoma. It won't hurt to take the test and be ready should an opening become available.

Cole is right, I shouldn't give up on my dreams. I shouldn't have given up on them so quickly when Gabe asked me to. I should have held on to them. I should have held on to me.

The truth of the matter is I'm getting bored sitting at home. Gabe didn't like the idea of me working, but it was always something I wanted to do. He liked having me available to him at a moment's notice. Not that he ever really needed me for anything. Or wanted me around most of the time. But, I kept myself busy running the house and making sure things were tended to, trying to make myself necessary. Everything I did before had centered around him and now that he’s gone I realize just how little I have to occupy my time.

Maybe I'll ask Dad if I can help out with the business. Surely he's got some files that need sorting or invoices to be run. Even if I could help out a few hours a day it would keep me from going so stir crazy. It would keep my brain from drifting to places it shouldn’t go. I need to keep myself busy.

Of course, if I work for Dad I'll see Cole more. I already see him nearly every night. His visits rarely even center on him fixing things anymore. He just comes over to hang out. Sometimes he just stays for a little bit, checking up on me or visiting about the day. Other days he stays for dinner and nearly falls asleep on my couch watching random TV.

I like his company.

More than I should.

I don’t know what it means and I’m not sure I’m ready to examine it.

I only know that I like it better when he’s around.

It’s confusing.

Sometimes it feels like I'm on hiatus from my real life, the one back in Connecticut with Gabe. It's easier to pretend like he's not gone. Or worse, that he was never real to begin with. If I block him out, block out the truth of his death and our failing marriage, then I can breathe a little easier. . .if only for a moment.

I know I’m avoiding the truth, but for now, it feels necessary. I need to feel what it is like to live in this new world. I need to heal in my own time and in my own way and this is what feels bearable. I don't have the strength to examine whether or not that is healthy.

I glance at the clock and realize that it's nearly time for Cole to arrive. The thought has my heart strumming in my chest. I shove the reaction to the back of the mental closet to deal with later and scold myself for being inappropriate.

My libido couldn’t care less about what’s appropriate. It’s been sadly neglected and having someone like Cole around all the time has it going against all reason. Even a simple crush is like poking a hibernated bear. One I’m not ready to wake and unleash on the world.

I’d nearly forgotten what it was like to feel the stirrings of desire.

When things fell apart with Gabe I had to work hard to shove aside my desires and needs. There are only so many times that a girl can be turned away or rejected before she just stops trying. Eventually I had stopped trying. It hurt too much to put myself on the line in an attempt to seduce him only to be told he wasn't in the mood.

What he'd meant was he wasn't in the mood for
me
. I was the trophy. The piece of the puzzle that showcased him as the stable family man. I was simply the placeholder. It left him free to fill his needs with other women.

I'd called him out on it once. Only once. He'd been so nonchalant about the whole thing. He told me I was imagining things and that, regardless, it wasn't my place to question what he did. After all, hadn't he given me the big house and the fancy car? Hadn't he taken me away from the small, hillbilly town and moved me up in the world? He told me to appreciate it and let him be.

He'd turned and left me standing in the kitchen lost and defeated. I didn't even cry. I was too shocked, too floored by his reaction. It was at that moment that I had realized that I was married to a stranger. It was the first moment I had felt trapped. I gave up and I closed myself off from the hurt of his rejection. Ignore and survive – my ever present motto.

One that doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

I shake the memory away as I throw some of the extra throw pillows onto a nearby chair.
Why do I have so many pillows?

I glance up when I hear the knock on the front door. I can't fight the smile that finds me knowing he’s at my door. I try not give into it completely, but having him around makes me happy.

When I open the door he's waiting with a box of pizza and a handful of movies. "I brought entertainment," he smiles.

"I hope you didn't bring all blow them up movies," I say, taking the pizza box from him as he follows me inside.

"I compromised with stupid humor and a scary movie. . .you know in case you want to snuggle close so I can protect you."

"Do I look like the kind of girl who gets scared by a movie?" I challenge. Fact is, he knows that I do.

"Here's hoping." He's teasing me, but his words leave a charge in the air. One that we are becoming pros at ignoring. Flashes of memory hit and I catch myself wondering what it would be like if I'd come back here under different circumstances. Or even what would have happened if I had never left.

No
.

Don’t go there, Emery.

He doesn't even detour to the kitchen these days. He takes the pizza box straight to the den and sets it on the coffee table. I grab the paper plates, a roll of paper towels and a couple of drinks and follow him. It doesn't bother me as much now, to let go of the perfect hostess routine. At least not with him. He just makes himself at home here anyway.

He's already putting a disc into the player. "I chose funny. I like you smiling," he winks.

He takes his place on the couch beside me and hands me over some pizza. I catch myself just watching him, the familiarity of his actions reminding me how far I've come since I came back home. Even baby steps start to add up.