The Rise of Emery James (16 page)

Emery

COLE BENNETT HAS GIVEN
me my smile back and it feels good. It feels good to smile. It feels good to laugh. And even though the ease that I feel around him makes me feel guilty, it is the thing that gives me hope. There is a guilt that comes with healing and I'm learning that it's one of the hardest obstacles in the process.

Still, I hold on to the glimpses of happiness that I have because of that hope. Hope is fragile and I've been without it, so I know how precious it is. Sometimes it's the only light to lead you through the darkness. I'm not willing to let go of it or talk myself out of it anymore. Just that, that one step forward, is huge for me. Letting it in at all feels like I've climbed a mountain.

It's more than that though, it's not just the hope that I feel, but the strength that is slowly coming back. It comes with a new self-awareness that I'm slowly navigating.

There are lots of reasons that I've stayed away for so long. It wasn't all about Gabe. I stopped coming home before he came into my life. I left home because I was running from pain. I thought denial was the way to work through it all. If you deny the truth and intensity of your emotions, you can get through anything. . .for a while.

It wasn't until Gabe died and upset my delicate balance that the truth came crashing back. It became the catalyst to everything that's happening now. And the strange part is that so much of what I'm sorting through has absolutely nothing to do with Gabe. The things that are haunting my thoughts don’t come from the pain of losing my husband, but everything that I ran from. Everything from my mother’s death, to losing Nana, my guilt about leaving my dad behind when he needed me and even Cole.

I can see now that I ran to Gabe because he made it easy to leave all of the other stuff behind. He was supposed to be my escape. But you can't escape. It always finds you and my hasty marriage to Gabe only gave me more pain to hide from.

I don't know that I even knew him. I just wanted to believe that he was the answer. One more solution to help me run and hide. Maybe that's why I never left him when things went so bad between us. Maybe we all get tired of running eventually.

I can recognize the pattern and I feel this clawing need to set it all right I just haven’t figured out how to do it. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing. There are times when just the thought sends me into a near panic. Knowing where you need to go, but not knowing how to get there is scary shit. And well, I run from scary. I run far and I run fast. At least I used to. I'm determined not to do that anymore. This time I'm digging my heels in and facing whatever storm comes my way. And I think that maybe Dad and Cole will hold me steady as I do.

I'm counting on it.

Because I've realized something else along the way. . .you can't do it alone.

AFTER FOUR PHONE CALLS
I finally agree to meet Annie and the girls for lunch. It will be good to catch up, I just hope they don't ask me too many questions about Gabe. I'm not ready to answer them. At least not with these girls. They'll dig too deep and see through my standard bullshit answers. Maybe if I just ask them all a lot of questions I can deflect any questions about me. That's my plan.

Just from my few conversations with Annie I already know a little bit about my friends and what they have been doing since I left. Annie owns a coffee shop. It’s kind of perfect really. She's always been a social butterfly; so why wouldn't she open a place that would become home to all of the town's gossip?

Kelsey works as a photographer. She works for a place in the city, but wants to start her own thing soon. Kelsey has always been the quiet one. Introspective. She observes everything. No detail gets by her and I won't lie, that fact makes me a little nervous going into this lunch.

Jessica, is a nurse now and works crazy hours so getting her to a lunch is pretty monumental. She also just married a boy we all went to school with and has that honeymoon glow about her.

It's weird to see everyone grown up. Sometimes, even though you are getting older, your memory freezes everyone from your past and you can't imagine them any different than they were when you last saw them. That's kind of how it feels as I walk up to the cafe where I'm supposed to meet the girls. Like I'm stepping back in time and I'm the only one with these new years under my belt. But as I walk towards the table where they wait for me I can see the changes in each of them. Like me, they aren't the high school versions of themselves.

"Emery!" Annie jumps up to hug me as the other girls give me big bright smiles.

"Hi, sorry I'm late. I never seem to make it anywhere on time these days," I explain. I don't admit that I'm late because I sat in the parking lot trying to psyche myself up for a good five minutes before I came inside.

"I'm so glad you're here. It's just like old times," Annie says as she bounces back in her seat. I'd forgotten how much energy she has.

"I love your jacket," Kelsey smiles.

"Thanks," I say. Geesh, I'm so nervous. I have no idea what to say to any of these girls. They've remained close over all of these years and I'm sitting on the outside. At least it feels that way.

The waiter shows up as I take my seat and I order a water and start glancing at the menu. My stomach feels completely knotted up so the idea of eating makes me feel a little sick. But I’m determined to sit here and smile and talk to these girls until it doesn't feel so foreign to me.

"What's good here?" I ask since they all still have their menus closed. I assume that means they've already decided, or know it by heart.

"Everything is pretty good. They have great wraps and salads. And they also have the best cheesecake around," Annie says, her eyes rolling back with the mention of the dessert. I laugh nervously.

"I always get one of the paninis," Kelsey says quietly. Her eyes are so kind and I can tell she knows I'm nervous.

"Thanks," I say, giving her a grateful smile. She nods letting me know she's on my side.

I'm still glancing at the menu when the waiter returns with my water and asks if we are ready to order. Three sets of eyes look at me questioningly. I nod, even though I've barely read anything on the menu. The other girls order first so I randomly pick one of the salads from the first page.

Once we're alone again Annie starts in on some gossip she heard that morning about a girl we'd gone to school with. Apparently Sandy is pregnant with twins. Everybody oohs and ahhs and I'm thankful for the chatter. It lets me calm down a little, sip my water and study my friends a little more. It's the same sensation I had with Cole. They are so much the same, yet so different. I can't help but wonder what they see when they look at me. Do they see any part of the old Emery? Or is she gone completely? If you'd asked me a few weeks ago there would have been no doubt in my answer. Emery James was gone. Now, I think I'm starting to see glimpses of her.

I avoid questions until our food arrives, but they were inevitable. "So, you've been hanging out with Cole a lot since you've been back. How's that been?" Annie asks. I tense, not sure how to answer. I don't want people to think I'm trying to replace my husband so soon after his death, but at the same time I don't want to belittle what Cole has done for me. I think on my answer for a moment, sipping my water to buy some time.

“He's been helping me a lot with stuff around the house and he keeps me company. He's been really good to me."

The three girls nod in agreement. They know Cole. They know what kind of guy he is. They also know that we were once madly in love. I hope they leave that part of our history alone.

"I'm glad you two are getting along. Exes can be awkward sometimes," Kelsey says. Jessica pats her on the arm sympathetically and I wonder if Kelsey has been through a bad break up recently. I don't ask.

"Cole and I left things on good terms. There is no bad blood there. It's been nice getting to know him again," I admit.

"Any old sparks?" Jessica asks. I bite my lip nervously. The honest answer to that question would be,
"Yes. Every time he's around me I feel like my body is engulfed in flames."

Instead, I smile and say, "I'm not ready for any of that. Right now I'm just trying to find my new normal." And that’s true too. I'm not ready to move on in terms of a new relationship. I just have to figure out how to tell my body it needs to sit on the bench for a bit.

"I'm really sorry about your husband, Emery. It's such a horrible thing to have to go through. If you ever need to talk or just need a distraction from it, we're here. We're here for you no matter what," Annie says.

"Thank you," I say with a timid smile. I believe her. I know these girls are ready to accept me back into the group with open arms. They won't expect me to spill all of my secrets, but they are willing to keep them if I do. I've missed that. The realization has me feeling more comfortable and as Annie orders us a slice of cheesecake to share I feel like maybe I can find a way to embrace it.

JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK
Cole shows up at my door after work. He texted me that he was coming so I made him dinner. "Holy crap, what did you make. It smells like heaven in here." I smile as he walks in with his nose high in the air like a dog.

"Lasagna. I found Nana's recipe and thought I would try it out."

"God bless that woman," he says, turning and giving me a hug and kissing my cheek in greeting. That simple act has my heart racing and my feet feeling a little unsteady. I work to shake it off as he follows me into the kitchen.

"What can I do to help?" he asks. He looks so handsome sitting at my counter waiting on instructions.

"Wanna toss the salad or something?" I ask. Everything is basically done, but he always likes to help so I typically find something for him to do so that he feels useful.

"Let me at it. I'll be the best tosser you've ever seen," he smiles. I roll my eyes and pull the bowl of salad greens from the fridge. I deliver the bowl and the homemade dressing I made, along with a pair of salad forks and then go to retrieve the pan from the oven so it can cool a little before we slice into it.

"How much of this do I use?" he asks frowning at the bowl.

"I thought you were the best tosser ever," I tease.

"I am. Part of the job as best tosser is making the pretty girl happy. You probably didn't know that part," he says casually. I catch his glance over at me and he winks.

Butterflies.

I help him out by drizzling some of the dressing across the greens and let him finish the rest.

We eat at the table like adults and I tell him about my lunch with the girls. I can tell it makes him happy that I made the effort. He tells me a stories about the job site and the wackiness of the people he deals with. Even though I am helping out at the office now I still rarely see him. He's usually out in the field. So I'm lucky if I see him in the morning when he's getting coffee or paperwork for the day. It makes seeing him in the evening even better. Somehow we've slipped into a routine that feels oddly domestic. Neither one of us has questioned it though. It feels easy and so I don't think about it too much.