The River Leith (22 page)

My loves, I don’t have much time. Leith is filling up the car, but I wanted to tell you
—
things are good here. He’s different, it’s true, but I’m so in love with him that I’m surprised I haven’t floated away on a cloud.

I think it’s the grief that grounds me. It’s hard to explain how I feel
—
how mixed up I get sometimes. But I hold it together for him. I have to, because he can’t know that I miss anything. I only want him to feel my love for him.

Do you remember how I asked if it could hurt more if he died? The answer is yes. To have him here with me? It’s worth all the rest of it: the pain of losing him, and how much I miss our old life. It’s worth it.

It’s confusing, I know. I live with it every day. I’m happy, and I love him, and I miss him every second of every day. Crazy isn’t it?

I’d better go. I’ll introduce you another day. I just wanted to record this moment before we go back to the real world. For now, just know that I’m happy.

The apartment was clean and neat, and utterly unfamiliar to him. There were a ton of people there
—
faces he recognized from the hospital, like Marian and Ava, but there were others he didn’t know at all. Arthur’s girlfriend, Miyoko, was a pretty brunette who was very well dressed. She was indeed on the young side, but Arthur had hearts in his eyes when he looked at her, and Leith liked seeing him happy.

Leith noticed that Zach seemed to act a bit big brotherly toward her, and it made him want to kiss Zach. He thought it might be an odd reaction, but there was very little about Zach that didn’t result in Leith wanting to kiss him.

A girl named Vanessa said she had worked with Leith at Blue Flight before his injury. Ava’s brother, David
—
at least Leith thought that was his name
—
also said he worked at the bar. Leith noticed that David stood by the window eating chips and staring at Zach’s cousin, Janelle, an auburn haired waif who was very beautiful. But he remembered Zach saying that he didn’t like her, and he waited almost eagerly to see what he’d think of her now. It was like gossip about someone else’s life, only kind of interesting because it applied to
him
.

There were a few other people around whose names Leith didn’t catch, and he didn’t really want to ask again. At some point Arthur sidled over to put his arm around Zach’s sister, Maddie
—
a brunette who looked like a shorter, thinner version of Zach
—
and the interaction seemed a bit tense for some reason.

“What’s up with that?” he asked, nodding toward them.

“They’re friends now, but there was a time when Maddie thought there might have been more. There were hurt feelings all around.”

Leith wasn’t surprised by this given his brother’s romantic shenanigans, but he just gave a closed-mouth smile and said nothing. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, so despite the fact that he was already tired and growing weary of the strangers, Leith let the party go on.

Arthur and Miyoko danced to a slow song, and Maddie danced with Zach, smiling and laughing with him. Leith didn’t want to dance with anyone other than Zach, so he made his escape.

“The bathroom?” Leith asked Marian after the third glass of celebratory sparkling water. The telling glances around the room let him know that everyone had forgotten he wasn’t who he used to be
—
that he didn’t know where the bathroom was, or the silverware, or the towels, or his bedroom.

“This way,” Zach said, breaking away from Maddie and pointing toward a door halfway down the hallway.

“You don’t need to escort me,” Leith said, smiling. “I think I can find it now.”

Zach let him go, his brow creasing, and Leith paused in the doorway to mouth the word, “
Relax
.”

Zach smiled and nodded, turning back to his sister, and Leith found the bathroom without any trouble.

It was decorated in turquoise and white, with a clamshell-shaped rug in front of the sink. He turned the faucet on and off, feeling the cool porcelain of the handles on his palms. He sighed. Nothing. He didn’t remember the bathroom at all. He wondered who’d picked out the beach scene shower curtain. He tilted his head and pondered it, trying to decide if he even liked it. Had he ever?

It was quiet, and though he could hear the chatter and clinking of silverware on plates seeping under the door, he felt safer in the bathroom, alone and unobserved. Everyone seemed great; really nice, and happy to see him. All in all he thought he must have built a pretty nice life for himself before the boxing match that took it all away.

Leith sighed. Boxing, that was something he hadn’t let himself think about yet. There was a time when he couldn’t live without it, but now he didn’t have a choice. What would he do with his life now? Could he make himself believe that what he really wanted to do was become a physical education teacher?

He sat down in the bathtub, his feet hanging over the edge.

There was a knock at the door, and Zach’s said, “Leith?”

“Come in,” Leith called, leaning his head back against the tile wall.

“Hey.” Zach shut the door behind him, his eyes worried. “Are you getting tired?”

Leith shrugged a little and patted the space next to him in the tub. Zach smiled and climbed in, his tennis shoes hanging next to Leith’s and his thigh pressed against Leith’s leg.

“How do you feel?” Zach asked.

“Like I’ve been dropped into the middle of a conversation. I just keep nodding along like I know what’s going on.”

Zach sighed and rested his head on Leith’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I should have told them all to stay away. They just wanted to see you so much.”

“No, it’s okay. I’d want to see me too.”

Zach chuckled, but then grew serious again and pressed a kiss to Leith’s neck. “They need to understand that we’re starting over again. From scratch. Everything.”

Leith kissed Zach’s forehead and said nothing, because he wasn’t sure he agreed. Zach seemed bent on moving them forward, going on ahead and ignoring the past, but Leith didn’t know how much longer he could do that. There were things he wanted to know
—
not just because he felt he deserved it, but because he thought they might help him plan for the future.

“I’ve been thinking about boxing,” Leith said.

Zach took hold of Leith’s hand. “I thought you might. But remember what the doctors said?”

Leith shrugged. The doctors didn’t want him boxing again. Period. They said the risk was too great. He already suffered from a traumatic brain injury, and he should thank his lucky stars that three years was all he’d lost. “Did I ever tell you about how I got started in it? I probably did.”

Zach smiled faintly. “Tell me again.”

Leith took a slow breath, remembering the first boxing lesson his father had given him. He’d been ten, and his mother had fretted that the gloves were too heavy for his hands. But his father had slapped the back of his head affectionately and said, “Head down!” before throwing a punch and then demonstrating how Leith should block it with his gloves.

“Dad started out teaching me and Arthur, but later we got a real coach. I remember Dad splurged
—
and given all the trouble he had with money, it was really a big splurge
—
to send us to the local boxing club to train with Matt Nash.”

“A local champion from your dad’s generation,” Zach murmured, leaning his head against Leith’s shoulder.

“I miss that old boxing club. I miss Matt.” He sighed. “Those were the good days before mom died and everything went to hell.”

“I know.”

“But that’s not it. I miss the ritual of it: taping my hands and putting on the gloves. I miss the feeling of my fist connecting. I miss the smell of sweat. I miss the sounds. It’s so pure for me.”

“It’s joy.”

“Yeah.”

Leith smiled, warmth and rightness flooding him that Zach knew him so well that he could fill in the blanks for him. Leith kissed Zach’s hand. “If I started up again, I don’t know how good I’d be. My doctors say that my speed and coordination was affected by the trauma to my brain. I might be able to get it back, though. If I trained very hard.”

Zach was silent and still. When he spoke his voice was strained. “I nearly lost you. When I think of you in the ring, I think of the ambulance, and the days I sat there thinking you were going to die. I remember when they told me your memory of me was gone, and I remember seeing you that day, and knowing that you didn’t know me, and how I
—
” Zach broke off. “I admit it. I don’t want you to box or fight at all, and if begging would stop you from doing it, I would.”

Leith squeezed Zach’s hand. Part of him felt he should be more annoyed, angry even, or that he should put up a fight. But he was too tired to summon the energy, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be angry anyway.