The Rottenest Angel (6 page)

First I had to get my best buddies, Feenman and Crench, back on my side. I had to show them the
truth
about Angel!

While Angel was out, hanging at the girls' dorm, I got a big bag of Nutty Nutty Candy Bars and carried it across the hall to their room. “Dudes, check it out!” I said.

I held open the bag. They each made a grab. I had to slap their hands away. “Look—don't touch!” I said.

“Bernie, aren't you going to
give
them to us?”
Crench asked. “Angel gave us Nutty Nutty Bars for free.”

The word
free
made me choke. Feenman had to slap me on the back.

“
No way
I'm giving them to you,” I said. “This is proof, dudes. Proof that Angel is a sneak and a thief.”

“Bernie, give it a rest,” Feenman said, shaking his head. “Everyone likes Angel.”

“Are you going to let me prove it to you or not?” I asked.

They stared at the bag of candy. And they both started to drool. “What do we have to do?” Crench asked, wiping his chin with one hand.

“I'm gonna wait till Lights Out,” I said. “Then I'll put this bag on my windowsill and pretend to go to sleep. You guys will hide in my closet. Then—”

“Huh? What did you just say?” Feenman asked. “Hide in your closet after Lights Out?”

“If Mrs. Heinie catches us—” Crench started.

“She won't catch you,” I said. “You hide in the closet, and you watch. I'm betting that Angel steals the bag of candy off the windowsill and hides it somewhere.”

“He isn't a thief,” Crench said. “No way.”

“You're wrong this time, Bernie,” Feenman said. He made another grab for the candy bars. I had to slap his hand away again.

Every night before Lights Out Mrs. Heinie comes into each room. She shakes hands and says good night to every boy in the dorm. It's an old Rotten School tradition.

Tonight she shook Angel's hand and gave him a warm smile. “How are you boys getting along?” she asked him.

Angel returned her smile. “Like brothers,” he said. “Bernie and I are best friends for life!”

Mrs. Heinie tucked him into his bed. Then she walked over to my cot and shook my hand. “Angel is a good boy,” she said. “I hope you are learning from him, Bernie.”

“We're all learning a
lot
from him, Mrs. H.,” I said. “I wish there were
ten
more Angels in the dorm. Or maybe twenty. Then we could all be good all the time.”

She rolled her eyes. “Give me a break,” she muttered.

She started toward my buddies' room across the hall—and I realized I had to think fast. Feenman and Crench weren't in their room. They were hiding in my closet.

“Mrs. H., don't go in there,” I called.

She squinted at me through her thick glasses. “Why not?”

“The smell,” I said. “It's bad in there. Something died in that room about a week ago. And we can't find it. Feenman and Crench and Belzer are wearing gas masks. Don't go in. I know you have a very sensitive nose.”

She frowned at me. “That's ridiculous.” She started to open their door.

“They can't shake hands,” I said. “They all have a bad skin rash. They've scratched all their skin off. Their hands are itching and oozing green and yellow stuff. Really, Mrs. H., you don't want to catch it.”

She thought about that for a second. “Okay. Tell them I said good night.” She clicked off the lights in my room.

I shut my eyes and listened to her footsteps as she climbed the stairs to her room in the attic. Bernie B.'s fast thinking saves the day again!

The closet door stood open an inch. I flashed Feenman and Crench a thumbs-up. “Good night, best friend,” Angel said, yawning.

“Good night, Angel,” I said. “Sweet dreams. And I mean
sweet
. Sweet as candy!” I glanced at the big bag of candy bars on the windowsill.

I knew Angel wouldn't be able to resist it. I knew he'd sneak out of bed in the darkness to steal my candy. And Feenman and Crench would see the truth about him.

I shut my eyes and pretended to go to sleep. I started to snore softly. I knew Angel wouldn't wait long.

Sure enough, a few minutes later he sat up. I watched him climb out of bed. I had my eyes closed to tiny slits. But I could see him perfectly. I watched him silently tiptoe across the room.

Yes. Yes! The little thief was falling for my trap!

 

YES!

I raised my head from the pillow. I knew Feenman and Crench were watching. I tensed my muscles and got ready to jump up. As soon as Angel grabbed the candy, I planned to race across the room and flash on the light.

I watched him tiptoe…tiptoe.

Hey. Wait. He didn't go to the windowsill. He tiptoed out of the room.

“Bernie, where's he going?” Crench called from the closet.

“Shh!” I warned. “Quiet. He'll be back in a few
seconds. And he'll grab the candy. Just watch.”

“I'm getting a leg cramp in here,” Feenman said.

“I'm getting a foot cramp!” Crench whispered.

“That's not
your
foot—that's mine!” Feenman said.

“Well, whose leg is this?” Crench said. “I can't tell in the dark.”

“Quiet,” I whispered. “Here he comes. He's back. Just keep your eyes on him.”

Squinting, I saw Angel step into the doorway.

The light flashed on.

Uh-oh. He had Mrs. Heinie with him. “You just had a bad dream,” she told Angel.

“It wasn't a dream,” Angel said in a tiny voice. “I heard weird noises in the closet, Mrs. Heinie.”

“Don't be afraid,” Mrs. Heinie said.

I watched Angel cling to her arm. He was trembling. “There's a
monster
in there. I know there is! I heard it,” he said. “I'm scared. Scared stiff! I'm
totally
scared!”

“There's nothing to be afraid of,” Mrs. Heinie said. “Here. I'll show you.”

She pulled open the closet door.

Feenman and Crench came stumbling out.

“Huh? What's going
on
here?” she cried. “What are you DOING in there?”

My two buddies stood there with their eyes bulging and their mouths hanging open. I knew I had to come to their rescue.

“Uh…I can explain,” I said, jumping out of bed. I adjusted my pajama pants.

Think fast, Bernie. Think FAST
.

“You see, Mrs. H., they get a little
cramped
with Belzer in that tiny room of theirs,” I said. “So sometimes they like to stretch out in my closet.”

“HUMPH!” Mrs. Heinie exclaimed. It was a powerful
HUMPH!
It almost blew me over.

“I should have known this was
your
idea, Bernie,” she said. “Why were you trying to scare Angel like that?”

She didn't give me a chance to answer. She marched Feenman, Crench, and me downstairs. She gave us a half-hour lecture. “Why can't you all be as good as Angel Goodeboy?” she asked.

I gritted my teeth and slunk back up to my room. Angel was tucked into his bed, sound asleep. I glanced at the windowsill.

Of course. Big surprise. The bag of candy bars was GONE.

“I know what Angel's next plan is,” I said. “I know his next dirty trick.”

We were hanging out at the statue of I. B. Rotten, our school's founder. I was sitting on Rotten's head. Feenman and Crench were filling in his eyes with black markers.

“Give it a rest, Bernie,” Crench said. “You're just gonna get us into more trouble. Angel is a good guy. Everyone likes him.”

“He's fooling everyone,” I said. “Even you two guys.”

Feenman painted big, black nostrils on the statue's nose. “I. B. Rotten is looking GOOD!” he said.

“Listen to me,” I said. “I'm gonna prove what a bad dude Angel is. He's serving the soup in the Dining Hall tonight. So guess what he says to me? He says, ‘Bernie, I hate carrying that big soup pot around. I get so totally nervous. I hope I don't spill any on you.'”

My two buddies stared at me. Feenman shrugged. “So?”

“Don't you see what he was saying?” I cried. “He was getting me ready. Tonight at dinner he's going to pretend to trip. And he's going to spill hot soup all over me.”

Crench grabbed my shoulder. “Bernie, that's crazy talk,” he said.

“No, it isn't,” I insisted. “Then Angel will act really sorry and pretend it was a terrible accident. I'll be covered in hot soup. But he'll get everyone feeling sorry for HIM!”

“Bernie, he'd never do that,” Crench said. “You're making this all up.”

Feenman painted a third nostril on I. B. Rotten's nose. “You've gotta lighten up about Angel,” he said. “You're totally losing it.”

“You'll see,” I said. “You'll see tonight at dinner.”

 

I was going to wear a rain slicker to dinner. That would spoil Angel's plan. But I decided against it. I wanted everyone in school to see what a bad dude he was.

The Dining Hall is a huge room with three long tables—one for each dorm. I took my seat at the Rotten House table. I didn't eat. I kept my eyes on Angel.

He walked up and down, ladling out soup from an enormous pot. The pot was almost as big as Angel. But he was doing a perfect job.

I knew he was getting ready for me. Getting ready for the “accident” that would cover me in soup.

“May I sit here?”

I heard a voice at my side. I turned to see Mrs. Heinie squinting at me through her thick glasses. “Is this seat empty?” She sat down. She picked up her soup spoon. “I hear that Chef Baloney's pea soup is to die for!” she said.

“Yeah.
I'm
the one who will be dying,” I muttered. “You watch, Mrs. Heinie. I know you think
Angel is an angel. But just watch.”

“Watch what?” she asked.

Angel was making his way down our table. Closer…closer…

“He's gonna pretend to trip, and he'll pour hot pea soup all over me,” I said. “Just watch. Maybe you'll change your mind about Angel.”

“Bernie, that's crazy!” she said. “Totally crazy.”

“Here he comes,” I said. “Just watch….”

Angel held the big pot in front of him. I could see the pea soup inside it, boiling hot, thick and lumpy and bright green.

He ladled out a big bowl for Feenman. Then he served soup to Crench and Belzer. But I could see he had his eyes on me.

“Here it comes,” I said through gritted teeth.

Angel moved up behind me. He dipped the ladle into the big, steaming pot. He took a step…then another.

Whoa. Wait!

He didn't trip. He didn't do it. I knew he planned to fake a fall. I knew he planned to pour the soup over me. But he didn't do it.

He raised the ladle.

He was trying to trick me.

I couldn't let him get away with it. Not with everyone watching.

I stuck my foot out.

“HEY!” Angel let out a startled cry. He stumbled over my shoe.

The pea soup flew from the pot in a steaming, green tidal wave.

I ducked.

I heard a loud splash.

 

SPLOOOOSH.

 

Then I heard a wet

 

PLOPPPPP.

 

Then I heard Mrs. Heinie's scream.

 

“YAAAAAIIIII!”

 

I whipped around and saw the pea soup oozing
down her hair, her face, her dress.

I picked some chunks from her hair. “I told you!” I said. “See? I told you!”

Mrs. Heinie jumped to her feet. She pulled off her glasses. Then she tried to wipe the thick, green gunk off them. “Bernie, you—you—you TRIPPED Angel!” she sputtered. “I saw you!”

“Huh? No way!” I said. “It was all his plan. He told me he was gonna trip and spill the soup. By the way, Mrs. H., you look
great
in green. It's really your color.”

“Shut your fat gob,” she replied. She wiped thick pea gunk off her neck and shoulders. “I saw you trip him,” she said.

“I'm so sorry!” Angel cried. He still held the pot in front of him. “It wasn't Bernie's fault. Don't blame him. I'm just so clumsy. I'll never forgive myself.”

He started to bang his head against the side of the soup pot. “I was bad! I was bad! I was BAD!” he chanted.

Through the pea soup, Mrs. Heinie smiled at Angel. “He's so sweet. He's trying to protect you,
Bernie. But it won't work. I saw you trip him.”

She grabbed my hand. “Let's have a talk with Headmaster Upchuck. “Let's GO!” she said, pulling me away.

“Go?” I said. “But I didn't get my soup!”