The Rottenest Angel (5 page)

No. They were not.

I took Feenman and Crench aside. “I forgot,” I said. “I ordered these flowers. From that store we passed in town—Flowers 'n' Junk.”

They squinted at me. “You ordered flowers to give to
yourself
?” Crench asked.

“No.” I whispered because I didn't want Angel to hear. “They're for Mrs. Heinie. I'm gonna give them to her after dinner tonight.”

“Huh?” Feenman said. “Why?”

“I've got to win her back to my side,” I said.
“Maybe she'll believe me when I tell her that Angel is really a
devil
.”

“But he's
not
a devil,” Crench said. “He gave us free candy bars.”

“He's a good dude,” Feenman said. “Check out how he's feeding the dog.”

“But it's MY dog!” I cried. “And MY candy bars.”

 

“ANGEL IS A GOOD BIRD!”

Lippy squawked.

 

“ANGEL IS A GOOD BIRD!”

 

“Has
everyone
turned traitor?” I cried.

Feenman and Crench headed back to their room. Angel and I were alone. I set the flowers down on my cot. Angel was feeding Gassy dog biscuit after dog biscuit.

 

BRRRAAAAAP.

 

“Eew! He stinks! He stinks!” Angel gasped, holding his nose.

“That's why we didn't name him
Flowers
,” I said. It was a joke, but Angel didn't laugh.

He tossed the empty dog biscuit box to the floor. “Bernie, who is this April-May June you were talking about?”

“She's my girlfriend,” I said. “Are you going to give her a box of dog biscuits, too?” Another joke. Angel didn't seem to
get
jokes.

He stared at me. “Your girlfriend?”

“Only she doesn't know it yet,” I said.

He nodded. I could see his little brain spinning. “Maybe I can help you,” he said.

Uh-oh.

“Help me?” I replied.

“I owe you a favor,” Angel said, “since I ACCIDENTALLY got you into trouble with Headmaster Upchuck this morning.”

“Yeah. Accidentally,” I muttered.

“Girls all like me,” Angel said. “They think I'm cute and cuddly. Maybe I can get April-May to go to the movies with you.”

I shook my head so hard, my ears rattled. “No way!” I shouted. “Don't even
think
about it!”

I took a few angry steps toward him. “I'm warning you—stay away from April-May.”

He pretended he didn't hear me. “I'll give it a try,” he said. “That's what
best friends
are for—right, good buddy?”

The next afternoon was gray and cool. I felt a few raindrops on my head as I walked across campus.

Where was I walking? I didn't care. Sometimes taking a long walk helps me think. And I was thinking hard—about guess who?

Yes. My new best friend. Only, when it came to Angel, I spelled
friend P-E-S-T.

A few minutes before, Angel had stopped me in front of Rotten House. “Hey, good buddy. I talked to your girlfriend,” he said.

Huh?
I felt a heavy rock form in my stomach.

Angel patted me on the shoulder. “She said she'll go to the movies with you. No problem.”

I opened my mouth in shock. He didn't let me say anything. He clapped a hand over my mouth.

“Don't thank me,” he said. “You're my good buddy. You know I'm always happy to do you a favor. Gosh and golly. You're my best friend. Please—don't thank me.”

I didn't thank him. I didn't know what to say.

Did he really talk to April-May? Did she really say she'd go with me to Movie Night?

I continued my walk, thinking about it. I barely noticed the raindrops. I wasn't even watching where I was walking.

Suddenly—“OWWWWWWW!” I let out a scream. I hit the ground hard, tackled from behind.

A heavy weight fell on top of me, pinning me to the grass.

“Guess who?” a voice said.

I didn't have to guess. I knew it was Jennifer Ecch.

Jennifer Ecch, the biggest, strongest, toughest, tackling-est girl in school. I call her Nightmare Girl.

She jumped up. Then she pulled me to my feet and dusted me off. “Hi, Honey Face,” she said.

“
Please
don't call me Honey Face,” I begged.

She tenderly smoothed back my hair. With both hands! She smoothed so hard, hanks of my hair came out!

Do you know how
embarrassing
it is to be in fourth grade and have a girl totally in
love
with you?

“Jennifer, why are your hands so sticky?” I cried.

She grinned. “I was eating a candy apple, Sugar Nostrils.”

“PLEASE don't call me Sugar Nostrils!”

She hugged me. I heard at least eight ribs snap. “Of COURSE I'll go to the movies with you!” Jennifer boomed. “You didn't have to send that new kid to ask me.”

She hugged me tighter. I couldn't breathe. Didn't she see that my face had turned blue? “Sweety Neck, why didn't you ask me yourself?” she said.

My mouth dropped open. My eyes rolled around in my head. My ears rattled again. “Excuse me?”

“That cute new kid. Angel,” Jennifer said. “He said you wanted to ask me to Movie Night. He said you were too shy to ask me yourself.”

I clamped my eyes shut.
Angel got me again!

Jennifer covered my arms with sticky, candy-apple kisses. Rain started to pour down on us. Jennifer didn't seem to care. She didn't stop till my arms were totally sticky and wet.

Finally I slithered out of her grasp and slunk away.

I had to find Angel.

I told you—I'm a talker, not a fighter. But I kept clenching and unclenching my fists as I trudged through the pounding rain.

I was soaked by the time I reached Rotten House. My shoes squished as I climbed the stairs to my room. Oops. I mean, OUR room.

Angel was hunched over my computer. Probably deleting more homework of mine.

I burst into the room, shaking off water. “YO!” I let out an angry shout.

He turned. His smile faded quickly. “Bernie? What's wrong?”

I took a deep breath.
Calm, Bernie. Gotta be calm
.

“Why did you invite Jennifer to the movies for me?” I asked, clenching my teeth.

He wrinkled up his face. “Who?”

“Jennifer Ecch.”

He slapped himself on the forehead. “You mean that wasn't April-May? I got the wrong girl?”

I gritted my teeth harder. Steam poured out of my
ears. “Yesssssss,” I hissed. “You got the wrong girl.”

“Oh, my gosh and goodness! My bad!” Angel said. “I'm new here. I was only trying to help. I really thought she was April-May!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. Sure.”

“I WAS BAD! I WAS BAD!” Angel screamed. He stood up and started to bang his head against the wall.

THUD! THUD! THUD!

“I WAS BAD! I WAS BAD!”

I leaped across the room and grabbed him. I tried to pull him away from the wall.

And once again I heard Mrs. Heinie's startled cry from behind me. “Bernie! What are you doing to Angel?”

I spun around to face her. “Who? ME?” I cried.

“I've warned you about this,” she said. “Come with me.” She started to pull me from the room.

“Mrs. H.—wait!” I cried. I made a grab for the flowers. “I have something for you.”

“I have something for
you
,” she said. “Three hours of cleanup duty. Starting now.”

“But—but—” I stuttered. “Mrs. Heinie, you know
I can't clean things. It makes my skin flake off. I have a doctor's note—”

“Three hours,” she said, pulling me harder. “You can start by scrubbing the bathroom floors.”

“
Scrub
? I don't know that word. Is that a foreign word?”

I tried to give her the flowers. But Angel swiped them from my hand.

Mrs. Heinie pulled me out into the hall. I turned
back. The last thing I saw was Angel, standing there with a big grin on his face. He had my flowers in one hand, and he was happily waving good-bye to me with the other.

Yes, it was the worst day of my life. I learned what
scrub
means. It's
not
on my list of 10,000 Favorite Words.

After three hours of scrubbing and rubbing and drubbing and grubbing and whatever else you do to make things sparkle and shine, I was toast. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. My heart thrummed. My knees wobbled. My tongue hung down to my shoes.

I staggered outside. The Great Lawn glistened with raindrops. The walk was dotted with puddles. I splashed right through them.

“Hey!” I cried out when I saw April-May June walking near the girls' dorm. I staggered after her.

She's so shy. She usually runs away when she sees me coming. But now she spun around with a big smile on her beautiful face.

“Isn't Angel
awesome
?” she gushed.

“Huh?” My eyes bulged.

“He asked me to Movie Night on Friday,” April-May said. “And look—he gave me these flowers.”

 

“WHAAAAAAAAA?”

I wailed. I stared at the bouquet in April-May's hand.

 

MY FLOWERS!

 

The flowers I bought to give Mrs. Heinie!

“Isn't Angel the sweetest?” April-May said, holding the flowers to her face and sniffing them.

“The sweetest,” I muttered. My heart pounded. I felt weak. My knees folded. I sat down in a puddle.

Cold water seeped through my pants. I had a soaking wet butt. But who cares? I watched April-May run off, carrying my flowers.

Angel wants my room, my friends, my pets, and my
girlfriend
! I told myself.

I sat there for a few minutes, in a daze. Finally I pulled myself to my feet and started walking again.

Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins, were standing by the statue of our school's founder, I. B. Rotten. They were slapping each other and pulling each other's hair and screaming a lot.

“What are you fighting about?” I asked.

“I saw Angel first!” Fauna screamed. “I get to hang out with him after class!”

“But he doesn't LIKE you!” Flora cried. “He likes me because I'm prettier!”

“Prettier?! Are you crazy?” her sister wailed. “We're IDENTICAL—remember?”

“I saw him first!”

“But I
talked
to him first!”

“OUCH!”

“OUCH!”

They slapped each other and tugged out hanks of each other's hair as they staggered away. Fighting over Angel…

“I can't take this anymore!” I cried. I sat down in another puddle and buried my head in my hands.

Across the grass I heard voices. I looked up and saw that spoiled rich kid, Sherman Oaks. My biggest enemy—from the other boys' dorm—the dorm we
all hate—Nyce House.

Sherman was talking with Angel. He was showing off a new cell phone. I watched them from my seat in the puddle. They were watching a movie on Sherman's phone!

“Oh, wow.” I buried my head in my hands again. Sherman
used
to brag about his expensive new toys to ME!

Angel was taking all my friends—and my
enemies,
too!

I had no choice. I had to prove to everyone what a bad-news dude Angel really was. If I didn't, I'd be sitting in rain puddles for the rest of the year.

Wait a minute!

Suddenly I had a plan.