The Scarlet Thread (36 page)

one. I said Aphie would be ashamed of him for his

endless carrying on. She was a good and sensible

girl and would not think kindly of him if she

knew he had not even bothered to give her son

a name! He said I do not understand how bad he

feels and I said understanding was not what he

needed. What he needs is a good hard kick in the

backside.

When Oren left our fire, James looked at me

and said—It is amazing, Mary Kathryn, how you

can see the sins of others so well, and your own

not at all. I asked him what he meant. He said

Oren has been grieving over the loss of a wife and

has only been crying a few weeks while I have

been grieving over not having my own way for

months. He said—You only know in part, not the

whole of his pain. He said I close my ears to anything that does not suit me. I said he was wrong.

He said—You closed your ears to me before the

first word was out of my mouth about Oregon

and why we had to go. He said—It never even

occurred to you that this journey is for your own

good!

I said what good was there in Deborah dying.

I said we should have stayed in Illinois. He said

he wished he had left me there. He said he would

sooner listen to Oren’s weeping than my endless

carping.

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David Alexander McKenzie was christened by

his father last evening and I am sore ashamed.

James is right. I told Oren I had no right to speak

to him as I did. He said he was glad of it. He had

never held his son before today and doing so

eased the pain of losing Aphie. He said David

looks like her.

It never occurred to me that I could lose James

as easy as I lost my daughter or Oren lost his

sweet wife. Life is so uncertain. I do not know

where James went to spend the night.

When he came back this morning, I told him

I was sorry. It has done no good. The wall I built

up still stands between us.

Kavanaugh sighted buffalo across the Platte to

the north. Joshua insisted on going hunting with

the men. He would give no ear at all to my fears.

He came back a short while ago. Without so

much as a word, he slid off his horse, took a couple of steps and fell face down on his bedding. He

was covered with so much blood I thought he had

been shot and stripped him like a baby to see if he

was wounded. He will not thank me when he

finds out. Kavanaugh rode up as I was doing it

and laughed. I did not think it funny and told him

so. He said Joshua is unharmed. I asked him

what he had done to my son that he would have

so much blood on him. He said he made Joshua

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learn hunting is not all glory. It is hard work.

I could soak his clothes for a month of Sundays

and not get all the stains out.

We are nooning longer today than usual because

of the terrible heat. The land we are passing

through is fertile for rocks and sagebrush and not

much else. Some of the animals are sick from the

heat.

MacLeod said we will move on in another hour

and keep going until dusk. We will be lucky to

make 15 miles today.

Joshua shot two rabbits. I will stew them for

supper.

Kaiser Vandervert gave whiskey to his oxen.

It seems to perk them up. Had we whiskey left

I would try some myself.

We crossed the Laramie River this morning and

made camp at the fort. There are Indians camped

near by. Kavanaugh said they are Cheyenne.

They are a fine looking people dressed in buckskins like Kavanaugh and wearing bear claw

necklaces and eagle feathers. The chief is a handsome fellow. Joshua is impressed with them.

Kavanaugh knows them well and speaks their

language. He took Joshua with him when he

spoke with them. When he came back he said

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they are at the fort to trade buffalo hides and furs

for tobacco, sugar, and blankets. We have no

sugar or blankets to spare.

The soldiers have invited us to a dance in the

fort this evening. The men drew lots to see who

would stay behind with the wagons and keep

watch. Ruckel Buckeye, Wells Doane, Oren

McKenzie, Ernest Holtz, and Werner Hoffman

lost. Artemesia is feeling poorly and is remaining

behind as well. Nellie said nothing will keep her

away.

James said he will not go. He knows how much

I love to dance. This is just his way of punishing me.

James is speaking to me again. I did not expect

him to forgive me for another five hundred miles

considering how many it took me to come to my

senses. When he said he did not want to go to the

dance last night, I knew what he meant was he did

not want to go to the dance with me. I said that

was fine by me and went anyway. There is little

enough fun on the trail without giving up what

Opportunity comes along because a man is pouting. James came later. Of course, he did not dance

with me because he was still mad. I had partners

aplenty with soldiers and MacLeod and some of

the other men traveling with us. I even danced

with Oren McKenzie. I have not had so much fun

since I was engaged to Thomas Atwood Houghton

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James cut in when Lieutenant Heywood danced

with me a third time. He said it was not proper for

me to dance with that soldier again. I said it was as

proper as him dancing four times with Nellie. He

said Nellie is good and married. I said I am good

and married too though my husband appears not

to notice. He hauled me outside.

I said—What do you think you are doing, James

Farr? I don’t want to leave. I was having fun.

He said to shut up and kissed me the way he

used to do. We went down to the trees along the

river. I am glad the fire has not died in him or me.

I was feeling soft inside and said—I am glad you

have forgiven me, James Farr.

On the walk back, James said—You do not

long for home anymore, do you, Mary Kathryn?

I said I would be lying if I said I did not miss

Aunt Martha and all the rest. I would be lying too

if I said I was pleased with the way things turned

out at the homestead. I told him I accept his decision and will not CARP anymore. We will wait

and see what there is in store for us in Oregon.

James said Oregon will speak for itself when we

get there. And then he said in a quiet voice—Or

maybe California. I said what do you mean about

California? He said he had been thinking Oregon

might be too crowded in a few years with the numbers going and we ought to think about California

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instead. I could not get air to say anything but he

went on real fast telling me that others are talking

about it. I said like who? He said Ernst Holtz,

Wells Doane, Binger Siddons and Stern Janssen

have been mulling it over. I wonder if Nellie

knows what is on Wells mind.

James said Kavanaugh has never seen the

Pacific Ocean and has a desire to do so. Oh

Grand I said. That is good reason for going someplace. Just because you have never been. Just to

keep on to the ends of the earth until you have

seen it all! Next he will want to see China!

James said—Stop talking, Mary Kathryn—but

I had a lot more to say. So he kissed me again. He

kissed me hard and for so long I forgot what my

upset was about until now that I am writing my

thoughts into this journal. When we all went back

to the wagons after the dance, we bedded the

children down in the tent so James and I could

sleep under the wagon together. We slept last

night like two spoons in a drawer the way we

used to.

I don’t have a house or land. But I have my

James back and my children. They are home

enough.

We all went down to the chalk cliffs. James does

not know how to write. So I carved his name next

to my own, and then carved Henry, Beth, and

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a cross next to it. She will not be forgotten.

Joshua ignored my call and climbed up high to

carve his name. I was sure he would fall but he

would not listen and come down. Kavanaugh said

the boy is sure footed as a mountain goat.

Joshua has become so difficult of late. I feel

him pulling away from me and James and drawn

to Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh encourages him. He

told me just the other day that he was not much

older than Joshua when he left home and headed

west for the first time. I asked him why he left so

young. All he said was he had reasons.

I am not ready to let my son go.

James did not leave my side all day today. We

walked together while Joshua drove the wagon.

I have missed talking with James. He is so full of

dreams. I never thought any of them would come

to anything but this one of going west has. We

will see about the others.

As long as I have James I am safe and happy.

It is so terrible hot. The dust coats all of us. The

ground is sandy and makes hard pulling for the

oxen. Beth is sick. We made a bed for her in the

wagon and she is sleeping. I asked Nellie to pray

for her.

Dunham Banks was bad hurt today. A rattle2 8 0

snake frightened the horses. His own pitched him

off and he hit his head on a rock. Doc Reese said

his chances are not good. Celia rigged a cradle

and had two men help her rig a big sling inside

her wagon. Baby Hortense and Dunham both

rocked all day while she drove. Celia is a fine

strong girl with good sense. She will need both

for the long haul ahead.

We are Plagued with Tragedy. Little Patricia

Sinnott wandered off this evening and can not be

found. Paralee is crazy with fear that the Indians

have stolen her. Frank Sinnott, James, and four

other men have gone out looking for little Patty.

I have my children near the fire where I can see

them. Joshua is not pleased with staying here to

watch out for us. He said he could ride after

Kavanaugh. The scout would know what to do.

I told him Kavanaugh and Ruckel Buckeye are

hunting game and there is no telling in which

direction they went.

Kavanaugh and Ruckel came back and went out

with the men again. They looked for little Patty

all day and found no trace of her. MacLeod said

we can not stay another day. Paralee says she will

not go on without her little girl. Franklin said it

was her fault the child is lost. It was a harsh, cruel

thing to say and not much different from what

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