The Scarlet Thread (53 page)

She had the feeling he was bracing himself. He finished the whole

cup of coffee before he looked at her. “You’re still my wife.”

She felt the blood drain out of her face as she stared into his

dark eyes. Panic set in. “No, I’m not. I did what you asked. I

signed the papers. I gave them to you so your attorney could—”

“We’re still married, Sierra.”

“Maybe. For a few more months, until the divorce is final.”

“Nothing’s final, and it won’t be. There’s not going to be a divorce unless you file against me.”

“I don’t understand,” she said, confused. Hadn’t he told her

over and over how much he wanted a divorce? “I did what you

asked.”

“Yeah, but I changed my mind. I didn’t give the divorce papers

to my attorney. I put them through the shredder at the office.”

“You what?” she said faintly.

“I shredded the divorce papers.”

“I heard you the first time, but why? Just so we’d have to go

through all this misery again?”

“I don’t know why I did it at the time, but it turned out to be a

good idea.”

“A—a good idea?” Did he think he could waltz back into her

life and pick up where he left off? Or leave her dangling while he

enjoyed himself? She wanted to throw the hot coffee at him. Instead, she slammed her cup on the counter and headed for the

front door.

Alex caught hold of her halfway across the living room and

swung her around. “I never loved Elizabeth the way I love you,

Sierra. I knew it’d lead to disaster the first time I touched her.”

She hit him, a hard right hook square to his jaw, knocking him

back two feet. Rage and hurt filled her. She lost control completely and attacked him again. Lunging at him, she pounded at

his chest until she realized he was standing and taking it. With a

sob, she gave him a hard shove over the back of his leather couch.

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They bounced, arms and legs tangling, and rolled onto the floor.

“You
jerk!”
She clambered to her feet, trying to get to the front

door again. Alex was faster. He swung himself over the couch

and planted himself in her path.

Spreading his hands, he presented himself. “Go ahead. Hit me

again. I deserve it.”

“Get out of my way!”

“I’m not finished.”

“I
am!”

“You’re still in love with me, Sierra.”

“I’ll get over it!”

“No, you won’t. And neither will I. Not ever.”

She drew in another ragged sob. “Do you think it makes me

feel better to have you say you didn’t even love her? Do you

think it
helps
to know you threw our marriage away for a fling?”

“It wasn’t a fling.”

“I don’t want to hear about it, Alex. Don’t give me the gruesome details. Just get out of my way!”

“Sierra—”

“Let me out!”

He caught hold of her shoulders. “My affair with Elizabeth

had a lot to do with what you said. I wanted to feel I’d
made it.

Education hadn’t done it for me. Neither had money. Daughter

of the American Revolution, you said. Remember? A trophy I

could hold up to the world to show them Alejandro Luís Madrid

was more than a wetback’s son!” His eyes were wet, tormented.

“You knew me better than I knew myself, Sierra. Until Connecticut. I got a good look at myself there, and I wanted to vomit.”

“Don’t you
dare
call your father a wetback!”

His face softened.
“Te amo.”
He cupped her face.
“Te amo

muchísimo.”

She used her knee this time and caught him low and hard.

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Shoving him back, she made it to the door. “I’m not going to love

you anymore, Alex,” she said, sobbing. “It hurts too much!”

Yanking open the front door, she fled.

My lying in time is drawing near.

The weight of the baby presses down. I have

made what preparations I can and have explained

to Beth what she must do to help me. She is younger than I was when Joshua was born, but she is

a calm and willing girl and a great comfort to me.

I hope she will be strong for whatever happens.

Lord, I am afraid for all my children. Please

bring this baby into the world without taking me

from it.

I know you sent Kavanaugh to me, Lord, and

I thank You that he was obedient and arrived

in time. I am sure I would have died otherwise.

Joshua had gone off to find Koxoenis and ask if

his wife could help me. I was praying for deliverance when someone opened the tule mat cover

over our doorway. I have never been so glad to

see anyone as I was to see Kavanaugh. He put his

knife in the fire and then cut me. When that was

done, he pulled me up so I was squatting. The

baby came quick and easy after that. By the time

Koxoenis, his wife, and Joshua arrived, my new

daughter and I were asleep.

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unless I tell him to go. He did not say more than

that, but his meaning was clear. I think I have

known he wanted me since the day he looked at

me in the mercantile back in Independence.

I have named my baby daughter America Farr.

Beth is taken with her and a great help to me.

I am slow in mending and still weak. Kavanaugh

is tender with me and firm in organizing the children. They do not mind. They have always held

Kavanaugh in awe. Especially Joshua, though

I sense tension between them now.

Kavanaugh is building us a cabin. He has set

the boys to gathering stones for the foundation

while he cuts timber. Joshua has not had much to

say about anything lately. Something is eating at

him and he will not say what. Hank and Matthew

and Beth do all the talking.

The rains have been coming down steady for a

week, but Kavanaugh and the boys continue to

work. The rock foundation is complete and the

sills set. Kavanaugh and Joshua work on notching the logs to build the walls.

This evening, we are all sitting around the pit

fire. Hank, Matthew, and Beth are about their

lessons while Kavanaugh whittles. He will teach

the boys when they finish their reading and exer4 0 6

cises. I am glad my boys do not fight learning like

my brothers did. They must take after Mama.

They can all read and write better than my father

and brothers ever could, but they are far from

Educated by Aunt Martha’s standards. I wish

I had not been so foolish as to say I did not want

to have a Bible in my possession.

Kavanaugh and Joshua have had a Falling Out.

Joshua was swinging at Kavanaugh with all his

might, but Kavanaugh blocked aside each blow.

I kept screaming at them to stop, but Joshua

would not listen. Kavanaugh unbalanced Joshua

and took him down on the ground and held him

there while trying to talk reason to him. Joshua

was in no mood to be reasonable. When Kavanaugh

released him, Joshua jumped up and spit on him.

I could not believe he did such a thing and

thought Kavanaugh would kill him sure. He did

not have a chance to do anything because Joshua

got on his horse and rode off. I ran after him and

asked what had happened, but he would not say.

He was crying and said he would not come back

until Kavanaugh left.

Joshua has been gone for three days. My heart

aches so I can not even eat. It did not take five

minutes for me to find out what set Joshua on

such a rampage. Kavanaugh wants to marry me.

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he was the firstborn son. Joshua said he saw the

way of things and accused him of using him to get

close to me.

Kavanaugh and I have had much time to talk

about many things. I thought I would be with

James all my life. I did not expect to lose him.

Yet I know I can not manage on my own out

here. A woman with small children can not build

a homeplace and plant crops all by herself. And

going back home to Illinois is impossible.

I know too that Joshua will not stay with us for

long. His leaving us will have little to do with

Kavanaugh and all to do with his own nature,

though he may be contrary and stiff-necked

enough to use Kavanaugh as an excuse. Each

time Joshua goes away, he stays away a little longer. He has the same hunger to see the world that

James had. I am afraid it is the kind of hunger

that will drive him before the wind all his life

unless he faces the Almighty and comes to himself. I grieve knowing James never did. It must

be in the Farr and McMurray blood to contend

with God and everything else. We either see the

light or die looking for it.

I have peace now I never thought to have and

wonder often why I fought so hard in receiving it.

Coming to the light does not mean it is easy

watching Joshua wandering in darkness. But tell4 0 8

ing him about You does not seem to get his Attention. I guess I can not expect words to do it.

Mama and Aunt Martha talked to me plenty and

I never saw the Truth in what they were saying.

I have learned a little more about Kavanaugh

over the past days. His full name is Hamlet Bogan

Kavanaugh. He is twenty-eight years old and can

read and write. He was born in Boston to a

blueblood father and an actress mother who

thought naming him after a Shakespearean character might lend him some dignity. He did not

think much of the name she gave him. Despite the

fact his mother never married, she made sure his

father paid for an Education. His father agreed to

pay for tutors if she promised to leave him alone.

She kept her part of the bargain. Kavanaugh is

his mother’s name. She died when he was thirteen. He went to his father then, was given fifty

dollars and told to leave Boston and never darken

his father’s threshold again. He did and has never

been back.

I told Kavanaugh he did not have to tell me

such Personal Business, but he said I should

know he was born on the wrong side of the sheets

before we get married and start bearing children

together. I became Flustered when he said that.

He seems to have things all worked out in his

mind about the way things will go between us.

I asked him what he would have done had James

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