The Scarlet Thread (55 page)

was what paralyzed her. Where were the guarantees of a happy

ending?

I don’t belong in your kingdom, Lord. I’m not like any of these good

people sitting around me.

What would they think of her if they knew she’d punched Alex

not once, but half a dozen times with everything she had? And

then kneed him where it hurt most. Never mind what
they
would

think. God had seen!

Humiliation set in, her face heating up.

O Lord, I lost control. All I could think about was the fact he walked out

on me. He said he was sick of me. He said he wanted out of our marriage. It

was hard, but I let him go. I gave him the papers he said he wanted. I listened

to what Dennis and the others said about allowing a nonbeliever to leave a

marriage. And now he tells me he never loved her the way he loved me. How do

I believe him? How can I trust him? I’m not strong enough to go through

this heartache again. I’m not strong enough to go through it now.

I’m not going to give you more than you can bear.

Why don’t I feel comforted by that, Jesus?

She walked home with the children and fixed them bologna

sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch. Alex was coming home

in a few days. Her mind whirred with conflicting thoughts. She

wanted to forgive and forget, but feared the cost of both.

“Maybe Daddy will call,” Carolyn said.

“He never calls on Sundays,” Clanton said between bites of

sandwich.

Sierra knew he’d be at Mass with his parents today. But when

he was here, what did he do?

And why was she allowing herself to think about that snake

again?

She and the children walked back to church in the afternoon,

and she was treated to another heart-wrenching lesson during

the evening Bible study. The subject was self-righteousness. The

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Word was a double-edged sword, and she was sliding right

down the blade of it.

Couldn’t you ease up on me a little, Lord? Do you have to use a

jackhammer?

She left the class before it was over and found solitude in a cry

room built for mothers who were nursing their babies. She sat

nursing her grievances in the rocking chair, locked in the silence

until youth group was over and it was time to meet Clanton and

Carolyn.

Alex was walking down the path toward her condo when she

and the children returned. She should have known.

“Daddy!” Carolyn cried and ran to him. Clanton wasn’t far

behind. The three talked briefly and walked toward her. She’d

never felt so alone, so cut off.

“Have you eaten?” he said.

“Not yet,” Clanton said. “I’m starved.”

“Why don’t I take all of you out to pizza?”

“Mom, too?” Carolyn said, excited about the idea.

“Mom, too,” Alex said, looking at her.

She knew he would understand if she said no. He wouldn’t argue or try to persuade. She knew the children would understand

as well. That was the problem. She felt exposed and petty. They

had such great hopes. Shouldn’t she? “That would be nice,” she

said, lowering her gaze from his. She’d do it for the children.

He was still driving his Mercedes. He opened the door for her

while Clanton and Carolyn piled in the back. When they reached

the pizza parlor, Alex ordered a large combo and pitcher of soda

while she and the children secured a booth. When Alex joined

them, he handed the children a handful of quarters for the video

games that lined the back wall. As they dashed off, he slid into

the seat opposite her.

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his lips. The place was packed with Sunday evening diners.

She smiled back, aching inside. Why was it so much easier to

maintain her anger when there was distance between them?

Now, sitting across the booth from him, she couldn’t sustain it. It

melted despite her determination, leaving behind a sense of vulnerability that frightened her more than anything else. “I

thought you weren’t coming back until the twenty-eighth.”

“I couldn’t wait.”

She didn’t ask for what. “Didn’t things go well with your parents?”

“Papa’s speaking to me again. We had a long talk. You paved

the way for me.” His eyes darkened. “I meant what I said the

other day, Sierra.
Te amo.
I want us to get back together.”

“Don’t take my agreement for granted.”

“I’m not. Don’t you think I—”

“I don’t want to talk here, Alex,” she said, looking away, tears

starting. “I can’t.”

“Yo comprendo,”
he said softly. “We’ll eat and take the children

home. Once they’re settled for the night, we’ll go back to my

place.”

“No way. I don’t want to be alone with you.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

He meant the question to be light, seductive, but she looked

him square in the eyes. “Should I?” She saw that the barb stuck

and felt immediately ashamed.
Forgive,
the Lord said, and she had

just stabbed Alex with a sharp blade. Looking down at her

hands, she could almost see the blood on them and wanted to

weep. The only way she could think to make amends was to be

honest. “I know where we’d end up, Alex, and sex isn’t going to

help solve our problems.”

“That cost you,” he said huskily.

“It’s true, isn’t it?”

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“It might ease the tension between us.”

“And cloud the issues.” She could see so clearly now how

they’d often used sex to bypass issues that were causing fractures

in their relationship rather than step back, look, listen, repair,

and move on together. “If we’re going to reconcile, we have to

build a solid foundation this time.”

“This time? Isn’t love enough?”

“If it’s the right kind.”

Her words clearly hurt him but she couldn’t weaken. When he

searched her face, she felt he was looking for weakness.

Lord, help me stand firm. Show me what to do. I love him, but I don’t

want to give up my soul to him.

Alex frowned slightly, perplexed. “OK,” he said softly. “We

stay at your place.”

“No. We’ll begin by talking on the telephone.”

She needed space between them. She had made too many decisions based on her emotions, and look where that had gotten her!

The Lord said to renew your mind, and she intended to do

that. With distance between them, she would be able to keep her

mind clear to
think.

One thing she already knew. It was going to take God to get

them back together again and make their marriage work.

Kavanaugh has returned.

I was so relieved to see him riding across the

field. He was gone so long I thought he had come

to his senses. He said he has not changed his

mind about anything, but figured I needed time to

adjust to the idea of having another husband. He

said he rode to Yerba Buena and then Monterey.

He bought a wedding ring there from a Mexican

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Five families have taken land east of us near the

Russian River. While Kavanaugh was there getting to know everyone, a man returned from

Sutter’s Fort and said he heard a rumor gold was

discovered in the trace at the mill on the American River. Two of the men have sons who are

going back to find out if it is true.

Kavanaugh said one of the men at the new settlement said he could perform a marriage ceremony for us. He has a Book of Common Prayer

and the wedding service is in it.

Kavanaugh and I are wed. Lester and Charlotte Burrell held a party for us after the ceremony. There were

twenty-seven people there, all strangers who have

quickly become friends. We had music! One man

played a fiddle and another a mouth organ. I danced

until my feet ached. They are good, hospitable people

and were very happy to give us a proper wedding celebration. I feel at home in California for the first time

since crossing the Sierra Nevada mountains.

I thought to make Kavanaugh and I a wedding quilt

so that we would not have to share James’s blanket.

So I went to the trunk to take out the squares of

fabric the ladies from the quilting club gave me.

Beneath them I found a thin wooden tray and under

it a Wonderful Surprise. Aunt Martha packed her

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pretty yellow dress and white lace shawl. When

I took them out, I found her Bible in the folds.

I sat weeping over it for the longest time, just rubbing the black leather. The binding is worn from her

loving hands, and just touching it makes me feel

closer to her. I remember all the hours she spent

reading it. When I opened it, I found her note.

I read from Aunt Martha’s Bible for the first time

this evening. We are starting at Genesis and will

read straight through to the end. After I finished

the story of creation, we all talked a long while.

The children are in bed now and Kavanaugh

has gone out to check on the stock and take a

bath in the creek before coming to bed. I have

paged through Aunt Martha’s Bible. I feel close

to her with it in my hands. She has written

prayers and notes in the margins. Favorite Scriptures are underlined. Pressed between the pages

are other surprises that remind me of spring and

Mama and days gone by in Galena—a golden

Alexander, a pink-lavender shooting star, white

Indian plantain, yellow-orange coreopsis, purple

coneflower, black-eyed Susans, buttercups, blue

aster, a rose-purple blazing star, and violet marsh

phlox.

Lord, bless her and keep her always.

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4

The Reconciliation

T

R

A L E X C A L L E D E V E R Y E V E N I N G A T T E N - F I F T E E N .

Carolyn was always in bed by nine, while Clanton dragged

his feet until ten. One conversation with his father made him

cooperate.

Each night the telephone would ring, and Sierra’s heart would

jump. Taking a breath, she’d answer while sliding onto a stool in the

kitchen. Alex did most of the talking, while she doodled on the notepad to keep from letting her nervousness come across the line.

As she contained her emotions, Alex opened up. The conversations became excruciating and confessional. The last thing she

wanted to hear about was his relationship with Elizabeth, but he

had a need to unburden himself.

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