The Search for Ball Zero (17 page)

“
We’re not leaving her.” L
demanded.

The small hole opened easily, but only to a
small, roughly 1 foot opening. Then

the dirt got hard and it wasn’t easy to
clear away.

Perry tried to wiggle in face first, but he
wouldn’t fit through the hole. As he

tried to cram through it he thought of all
the crap that must’ve passed through the hole before him. He
gagged.

“
You’re like a big turd,
clogging the port a potty.” Tony joked as they watched

his ass wiggle and try to squirm in.

Perry had to kick the ground to make the
hole bigger and almost fell in doing so. After some effort he was
able to slip through and hang from the lip of the hole, dangling
above an old pile of shit, or something.

“
It doesn’t smell like
shit.” He thought to himself and said aloud.

As gracefully as he could, he dropped down
onto the pile of old shit. As he

landed, his first thought was it felt like
it would hold him, but a millisecond later he felt the top layer
give way and he squished knee deep into the dark Three
Musketeer-like layer below, It was shit. His hands fell to brace
him, they only cracked the hard outer layer like a brown frozen
lake. He was quickly able to pull himself sideways and scramble to
solid ground. He was only wearing shorts to begin with, but now his
shorts were saturated in shit. Waist down and elbows down covered
in someone or something’s old crap.

“
Ohhh!” L and Tony both
looked away in disgust, but then quickly looked back, not wanting
to miss anything hilarious that was about to happen.

The ripe smell was unleashed when he broke
the seal and Perry was quickly overcome. “Ahhh!” He yelled, and
gagged again.

The smell left the hole. L turned and
gagged, then threw up.

Down in the hole, he tried not to throw up,
Perry decided the best action would

be to take off his shorts, shoes and socks
and leave them. It was the quickest way for him to leave the scene
of this crime and never be reminded of it again. Facing the world
in his underwear was easier than looking like his bottom half was
dipped in a shit sundae. Plus who knows what’s down here, he may
need to not smell like the diarrhea of 30 people. It didn’t matter
now, he was still going to look like a guy in his underwear,
covered in the diarrhea of 30 people. He took the lighter out of
his shorts pocket and looked down a long tunnel, the only way out
of this shit hole.

From where Tony and L were, there was no
easy way to get to the edge Perry

was on without falling in the shit pile a
little. Tony jumped in, bouncing his way out as quickly as
possible, legs covered in it. L looked like she wasn’t able to do
it, but after she dropped Fozzie into Tony’s arms and was the only
one not in the shit hole, she went for it.

The tunnel leading out of the shit hole was
a tight fit, almost as tight as when Bishop had to climb through
the duct in Aliens; A little more room than that, but close, and it
was completely dark. Perry needed to see, but didn’t want to be
seen, so he flicked his lighter every once in a while. Tony, L and
Fozzie took up the rear, in near complete darkness. Waiting for
Perry’s flick to give them a sense of where they were.

The tunnel went about fifty feet and then
turned 90 degrees. It went on for another 50 feet and then opened
into small chamber. When they got to the chamber they were able to
sit up and, decided to asses the situation. The hole going forward
was about the same diameter as the one they came through, but this
one was sloped downwards.
“
Only traps have small
tunnels that slope downward.” Perry thought, remembering how many
times he’d been killed by traps playing D&D. They decided to go
on anyways. This tunnel went farther and was steep enough that he
was a little scared and thought about turning around more than
once. Perry kept communicating, letting the group know of changes
and to hang on. If one of them slipped behind him, it would cause
an avalanche, and they would be falling into the unknown.

Then he came to another chamber. In this
chamber he could feel the earth

thumping a little, and there was enough
smoke for him to smell it better. His nose and eye’s perked up
immediately as his brain instantly recognized the smell, “Good
weed!” All of a sudden this journey seemed a lot less dangerous.
Enthusiastically now, Perry made his way deeper into the tunnel.
The group followed.

After another while of shimmying, he paused.
The thumping sounded like drums and bass. It was starting to sound
like someone was playing loud rock music ahead. His brain thought,
“WTF?” As his body said, “What the fuck kind of rock n roll weed
party am I missing out on?!”

They made it to another chamber. The music
was loud now. This chamber was

at a point where they could make out guitar,
distorted guitar, and a singer. As L wiggled in after Fozzie,
bringing up the rear, she had a strange look on her face, “I know
that song!” She said. She started head banging, it’s “Dam that
River! Alice in Chains!”

“
Holy crap, it was.” Tony
and Perry thought.

Perry scurried into the tunnel, this time
with more enthusiasm. The tunnel went pretty far and turned again.
Then looking down the next tunnel, it went down diagonally, at an
angle he knew he couldn’t hold on without sliding. The music was
loud now, it must be in the next room. In his mind he said
“Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it” and looked at L and Tony
before sliding face first down the tunnel.

He plopped into a well lit room, it was as
loud as being next to a giant speaker at a rock show. He looked in
amazement at the band playing in front of him. Quickly, Tony fell
out of the hole and onto him, Fozzie in tow and L right behind
that. They tumbled and fell like they were the 4 Stooges.

The music stopped.

In front of them was a pretty standard rock
band practice room, except holding the instruments were a bunch of
different primates!

Perry, L and Tony were frozen in shock.

The singer was a chimpanzee, the best way to
describe him was Axl Rose in the Use Your Illusion days. Bandana
with long hair flowing out the back, leather jacket, sunglasses
indoors, bottle of Jack next to him.

The guitarist was a spider monkey-looking
guy. To describe him compared to a

rock star would have to be Jimi Hendrix.
Bandana strapped across his puffy afro, frilly hippie clothes with
wild colors, round sunglasses. He even had a miniature guitar.

On drums was a big ass baboon. He didn’t
really look like any famous rock star, but he had long powerful
arms that looked like they were made for drumming. He was sitting
on a pile of pillows, fan blowing in his face and baboon ass. His
drum set was ready for metal, double bass and everything. He
snorted and flipped a stick in the air, spinning it quickly and
grabbing it with his opposite hand.

On bass was a really big ass, silver back
gorilla. He also didn’t resemble any

famous rock star, but he did have the feel
of a bass player. Laid back and groovin. He had a giant joint in
his mouth. He put down his bass and kind of nonchalantly picked up
a very big ball and chain and raised it over his head like he was
going to pound Perry with it.

“
No, wait.” Axl
said.

It talked! They all looked at each other,
still speechless.

“
They’re different.” He
spoke again.

“
Not clones?” The gorilla
asked.

“
No man, no! Not clones!”
Perry interjected. “We’re real humans.” He paused, but didn’t think
his response was good enough,”We love weed!”

The band looked at each other, questioning,
then laughing. They all laughed.

L stood up, amazed and walked towards the
band, “They can talk.” She said, almost questioning.

Jimi mimicked her, pointing at the
humans,”They can talk!”
“
Dam That River.” She
said.

The band looked at each other again, they
were surprised she knew the song.

“
Yea,” Axl said, puzzled,
“How’d you know that?”

“
Dirt. We love that
album.” She said, pointing to her friends,”We saw Alice in Chains
on tour, like 8 times that tour.”

“
9 times. Lollapalooza,
remember.” Tony pointed out, finally standing up and

joining in the conversation.

The primates looked at each other, they were
shocked. Axl lowered his

sunglasses and looked over the top at her,
“Shut up.”

“
We love metal,” Tony
explained, “We’re from outside the forest, the other side of the
fence. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

They all looked at each other, like they
had heard of the fence, but it may be a rumor or legend or
something. “You’ve been to the fence?”
“
We used to
live on the other side.” Tony said.

“
Where are you guys from?”
L asked.

“
Here.” Axl replied.
“We’re from here. Earth.”

Perry jumped in,”We’re all from Earth. We
all love rock music. Fuck yea, pass that J my way gorilla man!”

The gorilla passed the joint to Perry. “My
name is Les.”, Les said.

Perry indulged. The room was like a crazy
rock and metal fans room. Rage Against the Machine seemed to have
to most posters. Tool, Alice in Chains, Faith No

More, Primus, Sevendust, all lined the
walls. Beer cans and booze bottles laying around. Long unemptied
ash trays, filled with roaches, no smokes. It was a 90s grunge and
metal heads sweet rock and roll history museum. In a few places
there looked to be dirt thrown on the walls, Perry hoped it wasn’t
more poop.

Perry passed the dutchie on the left hand
side and it went around the room, the humans and primates bonded
over heavy metal.

All the primates had similar experiences as
the clones, they don’t remember ever

not being in the forest. Some had been here
a long time. The primates laid the story out for the group. Elohssa
was trying highly experimental cloning techniques, and instead of
killing or storing the extra or wasted clones, they let them loose
in the forest and observe what happens. That’s who the clones were,
rejects and used, unneeded clones.

“
Is that what you guys are
too?” Perry said rudely.

“
Do I look like a reject,
human?” Axl said and held up his hands, showing off

his thumbs. Their thumbs were close to their
fingers, like humans. They all had them.

“
Not to mention the
talking.” The drummer threw in.

“
Some of forefathers
escape. Start this society, mostly underground and in da

trees.” Jimi added.

“
We winning.” Axl
added.

“
Winning what?”

“
War with
company.”

“
Elohssa? There’s a war?”
The band nodded.

The group of humans told them stories of the
outside. They were amazed. They told the band about humans, about
bad humans and good humans. They told them stories about metal
shows. The band loved the story of Perry, Tony and L going to
Lollapalooza and taking way too much acid. They wanted more details
about Rage Against the Machine. They ended talking about the
warstores and the first sale.

“
warstores.” The primates
looked at each other. “New, big machines! Easy to

kill.”

“
Easy to kill?” Tony
questioned,”You’ve killed one?”

“
No we break in. Steal
machines. We kill soon. Easy.”
“
Tall building?” Tony
continued,”Have you been there?”

“
We all come from there.”
Les stated.

Axl continued, “That war we fight. We raided
building many times, freeing

brothers and sisters.”

“
We can help!” Tony pulled
the glock out of his underwear and showed it to them, they were
amazed.

“
We take humans to King?”
Les was asking Axl.

“
They cool enough?” Axl
asked.

“
You do the worm.” The as
yet to be named drummer said and handed a see-

through plastic bottle to Axl, who passed it
up and towards the group. It looked like a 2 liter soda bottle with
the top ripped off. Inside were all white centipede looking
creatures. Some an inch or 2 long and some around 6 inches and fat.
They weaved through each other inside the bottle, a milky looking
weave of centipede.

“
What is it?” Perry
asked.

“
Strong drug.” Les said,
holding out the bottle.

Perry grabbed it, that was all he needed to
know. “What kind of drug?” He looked deeply at the worms swarming
around. He picked out one and held it over his mouth, asking, “Eat
it?”

The band laughed. “Pussy way.”

Axl said, “Snort.”

Normally that would be all Perry would need.
But snorting a wiggling, living thing was new to him and weirded
him out. He put it up to his nose.

“
Bigger.” The drummer told
him.

Perry reached back in and grabbed one of the
biggest worms, looked over at Tony and L, dangling it in front of
his nose. He held one nostril closed with his other hand and as the
centipede legs reached and touched his nose he snorted hard. The
worm slid up his nose, each ridge of it’s body bumping along the
way. Perry almost couldn’t get it with one snort, but he reached
and found more breath and snorted it up. It disappeared in his
nose, the tip of his nostril was stretched out and it shrunk as the
last of the worm’s body sunk into his skull. He almost coughed, his
eyes watered, he looked at the ground, his face showing that he was
feeling the worm in his head.