The Secret Wife (14 page)

“I never understood that,” Kayla said. She rested her hands on her knees. “It’s just money. It can’t hurt you.”

“It can if I turned out to be like our father.”

Silence greeted Elissa’s statement. She shrugged self-consciously. “I guess I never told you guys, but I was afraid of being just like him.”

Fallon leaned forward. “Elissa, Dad was a drunk. He spent money on fast cars, expensive clothes and cheap women. You have nothing in common with him.”

“I can be impulsive, just like him.”

Kayla rolled her eyes. “Dating someone for over two years before getting married isn’t impulsive. You’re not self-destructive. He always was.”

“I know. I see that now. But while we were growing up, Dad always told me I was the most like him.”

“Wishful thinking on his part,” Fallon said. “Elissa, you’re a sensible, responsible woman. I applaud your desire to share your good fortune with others. I just want to make sure you don’t give it all away in a fit of undeserved guilt.”

“You’re right. I keep forgetting I’m not a scared little girl. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

Fallon grinned. “I’ve got news for you, kid. You were never perfect and we still loved you.”

Elissa smiled. A warm glow filled her chest. This is what she liked best about her sisters. The belonging. No matter what, she always had a place with them.

“I love you, too,” she said. “Don’t worry. I’ve hired a financial planner and she’s investing the money for me. I’ve set aside a certain amount for charity. I think I’m going to be giving it to the orphanage. I want to make a difference there.”

“Oh, speaking of that, I made all the arrangements,” Fallon told her.

“What arrangements?” Kayla asked. “I swear, you two are always leaving me out of the good stuff.”

“Relax,” Elissa said. “The children were invited to a special science camp offered at the local university. Even with the discount the state offered, they couldn’t afford it. So I’m sending everyone.”

“She mailed me the application and a check,” Fallon said. “I did the paperwork and sent it along. I also ordered a bunch of new clothes for the kids.” The oldest of the three triplets cleared her throat. “I, ah, decided to order a few more things than you’d put on the list,” she admitted. “I wanted to help, too.”

Kayla frowned. “See. I was left out. Just because I’m the youngest.”

“Ignore her,” Fallon said.

Elissa looked at her triplet. “Thanks, Fallon. I appreciate it, and the kids will love it.”

“So Cole still doesn’t know about the money?” Kayla asked.

Elissa shook her head. “I don’t want to tell him. By having Fallon take care of the details, I can claim no knowledge and not actually be lying.”

“Semantics,” Fallon said.

“If it works, I’m not going to complain,” Elissa said.

Kayla tilted her head. “So, how is Cole?”

“Grown up,” Elissa said. “He probably was five years ago, but I never noticed. He’s responsible, good with the children.”

“Is he still angry because you left?” Kayla asked.

“Yes,” Elissa answered, trying to keep her tone light. “He’s not one to forgive and forget.”

“Then he shouldn’t have acted in a way that would force you to leave,” Fallon said, bristling with temper. “That man was the most selfish, self-centered—
”

“You’re being redundant,” Kayla said.

“I know, but I like it. Selfish, self-centered toad.”

Elissa drew in a deep breath. “Fallon, I appreciate you taking my side, but I’m not entirely blameless. I could have tried harder, too. I should have talked to him, or tried to get a life of my own. I wanted Cole to be my entire world, and that’s not realistic.”

Fallon frowned. “So he’s convinced you that everything is your fault? That’s so typical of him. I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Elissa insisted. “He’s a good man. If you could see him with the children.” She thought for a moment, wondering how much of Cole’s past she could share. Fallon had never really liked Cole, but she hadn’t understood him the way Elissa had…and did.

“There’s a wonderful girl at the orphanage. Her name is Tiffany and she’s amazingly beautiful. Her mother is African-American and her father Eurasian, so she has stunning features and this gorgeous dark, curly hair. Anyway, her mother has a drug problem and has been in a rehabilitation facility. Recently Tiffany found out her mother had left the facility and no one knew where she was. Tiffany was crushed. I didn’t know what to say to her, but Cole did. He took the time to hold her and dry her tears. He heard her out, made sure she got counseling. He was perfect. I could only stand by and wring my hands. I didn’t like being that helpless.”

“Fine,” Fallon said. “He’s great with kids, but a lousy husband.”

“We were both too young,” Elissa said. “He only gets half the blame.”

“He broke your heart.”

“I left him.”

Fallon didn’t look convinced. “So have you talked about getting a divorce?”

Elissa stiffened. “No. Of course not.”

“Why wouldn’t you? Isn’t that why you went there? To start a civil dialogue so you could get divorced?”

Elissa glanced from Fallon to Kayla and back. “Why would you think that?”

Kayla smiled gently. “Why else would you want to see him after all this time?”

“Because—” She clamped her mouth shut. She didn’t really have an answer to that one. “I wanted closure.”

“On the marriage?” Fallon asked. “Wouldn’t a divorce be the best kind of closure?”

“No. I don’t want to divorce him.”

“Are you still in love with him?”

“No, but—”

“Then what’s the point? This is just a farce. It’s been five years, Elissa. If he wanted you, he would have come after you. Maybe it’s time for you to grow up and face the truth.”

Fallon wasn’t saying anything Elissa hadn’t told herself, but the badgering tone of the questions made her uncomfortable. She didn’t confront people well.

“I’m not sure what Cole wants,” she said.

“Have you asked him?”

“No, but—”

“Has he said he wants you around?”

“No. I think he wants me to leave. I—”

“Then the ball’s in your court. If you don’t love him, you should make a clean break. You both deserve that.”

“But, I—”

“Face it, Elissa. It’s over for both of you.”

Elissa jumped to her feet. “Shut up,” she said loudly. “Stop telling me what I feel. I might not still be in love with Cole, but I care about him. I’m not prepared to divorce him. I don’t know if I’m willing to go the rest of my life without seeing him. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage.”

Instead of shouting back, Fallon smiled. “Is that what you came home to find out?” she asked in a reasonable tone.

“Yes!” Elissa yelled, then sank back onto the love seat. “I hate it when you do that to me.”

“Force you to say what you feel?” Fallon asked.

“Exactly. Ignorance is easier to live with.” She rubbed her temples. “Being with him makes me crazy. There’s a part of me that wants to make it work, but I’m so afraid. Not so much of making mistakes, but of the fact that he doesn’t need me. He’s made this terrific life and there’s no room for me.”

“He could think the same about you,” Kayla said.

“Maybe.” Elissa dropped her hands to her lap. “What if he doesn’t love me anymore?”

“How does he treat you?” Fallon asked.

“He mostly tries to ignore me.”

She thought about their kiss. She’d pressed her mouth to his and had waited for him to respond. He hadn’t backed away, but he hadn’t returned the embrace. Funny how in their marriage she’d always been so terrified to try anything because she was convinced she would do it wrong. With nothing to lose, it was easier to take the risk. Or maybe she was more mature now. Unfortunately she wasn’t any more experienced.

The only thing that had kept her from being completely humiliated by his lack of response had been the bulge she’d seen in his jeans. He might have been able to keep his face impassive, but there were parts of him that reflected the turmoil he felt inside. He might not have wanted her to know, but their kiss had turned him on.

“If Cole didn’t care about you, he would be able to treat you like one of the guys,” Fallon said.

“It’s true,” Kayla said. “Remember how crazy I was at the thought of you and Patrick dating? I didn’t know I loved him, but the jealousy nearly killed me.” Her youngest sister shrugged. “I saw Cole’s face when you were walking up the aisle at your wedding. I’ve never seen such raw emotion before. He loved you more than anything. I bet he still does.”

Fallon nodded. “She’s right, but that’s not what’s important. You have to figure out what you feel. Do you love him? Do you want to make it work again?”

“I don’t know,” Elissa said, wishing she could figure it out. “Even if I do, how do I get him to give me a second chance? He’s never going to trust me again.”

“That’s easy,” Kayla told her. “Men have one weakness. Exploit it.”

“What would that be?” Elissa asked.

Kayla grinned. “Seduce him, honey. He won’t know what hit him.”

* * *

Seduce him. It was great advice for anyone but her. How was she supposed to seduce anyone? She didn’t have the faintest idea where one started in a quest to seduce one’s husband.

She’d almost asked her sisters. After all, they loved her and would be happy to give her advice. But she couldn’t. Even though they shared nearly everything, the thought of them knowing she was a complete failure in bed was just too humiliating to think about. Not that they would have made fun of her or anything. She sighed. Did it matter who knew? After all, she was putting the cart in front of the horse.

Before she worried about the how, perhaps she’d better think about the why. Why should she bother seducing Cole…unless she was still in love with him?

What was love? At twenty, she could have defined it perfectly. Now she wasn’t so sure. She admired and respected him. She wanted to spend time with him. Thoughts of him kept her awake at night. She wanted him to be happy in his work and in his life. She wanted to matter to him. Was that love?

As she drove north, she recalled their past and all the mistakes. She remembered the good times, too. The miles flew by. When she turned off the highway onto the road that would take her to the orphanage, she had the feeling of coming home. As if this was where she belonged.

It wasn’t about the place, she realized as she parked her car. It was about being close to Cole.

She left her luggage in the trunk and hurried toward the main building. It was seven-fifteen. Most of the children would be in the TV room. Cole would be there, too.

Elissa stepped inside and followed the sound of voices and laughter. She found Cole sitting on the center sofa, with a pile of children all around him. Gina sat on his lap. They were, she realized with some dismay, watching an old Sally McGuire show.

She grimaced. That series was going to haunt her for the rest of her life.

Before Elissa could announce that she was back, Gina pointed to the screen. “Can you tell if that’s Elissa or not?”

“Sure. It’s one of her sisters.”

Tiffany looked up from the jigsaw puzzle she’d spread on the floor. “How can you tell?”

“Elissa’s the pretty one.”

His simple compliment made her want to fly into his arms. He thought she was pretty. She clasped her hands together in thanksgiving.

“When is Elissa coming back?” Tiffany asked.

“Maybe later tonight. I’m not sure,” Cole said. “She hasn’t called. She might stay in San Diego awhile.”

Elissa frowned. She’d told him she would be back this evening and here she was. Why was he saying that to the children?

“Remember, Elissa’s stay here is just temporary,” Cole said. “She’s helping out Millie, but she’s not part of the permanent staff.”

Gina straightened on his lap. Her mouth formed a soundless no.

Tiffany tossed down a puzzle piece. “That’s gross.”

Elissa wanted to jump into the room and protest her innocence. She had no plans to leave. Then she remembered she had no plans to stay, either. She was here because Cole allowed her to be. She wanted to think about their marriage, but never in that discussion had she considered the children. Was she willing to make a commitment to them, too? It would be wrong to make promises until she was sure.

Cole was right to protect the kids. What choice did he have? She’d walked out on him.

She backed out of the room and leaned against the hall wall. The truth slammed into her like an express train, crashing through barriers, shattering pretense, leaving her battered and exposed.

Maybe she’d started to figure it out when Fallon had forced her to admit she wasn’t willing to discuss a divorce. Maybe she’d known when she’d decided to come and see Cole. Maybe she’d always known.

Cole was her destiny. She hadn’t come to the orphanage to do good deeds or give away her trust fund, or even to find closure. She’d come because she loved her husband. She’d never stopped loving him.

The trick was going to be getting him to give her a second chance.

Chapter Nine

E
lissa wasn’t sure how long she stood in the hallway, forcing herself to keep breathing in and out so that she didn’t faint.

What now? She could hardly waltz into the TV room and announce her feelings. Aside from the fact that she wasn’t the type to share those private thoughts publicly, she knew Cole wouldn’t believe her. She needed a plan of action.

Voices from the other room carried out into the hall. The sound of the children made her smile. How simple life could be when one was young. Although it hadn’t been for her or for Cole.

She forced away thoughts of the past and focused on the present. Her first step was to act normal. Until she figured out what else to do, Cole must never know about her change of heart. He would probably find an excuse to get rid of her if he thought she was entertaining romantic thoughts about him. Better to play it safe…for now.

She straightened, smoothed the front of her dress, forced herself to smile broadly and sailed into the TV room.

“Hi, everyone,” she said.