The Secret wish List (14 page)

‘Oh,’ she says clearly disappointed as though she was expecting to hear a juicy morsel of gossip and I have let her down badly.

‘I saw you coming home in a rick yesterday. I was on my balcony sipping tea. Is there a sale going on? You had shopped right?’ she prods on.

Both Rachna and Jyoti live in the apartment complex overlooking our home. I am suddenly very glad that I refused Gaurav’s offer of dropping me home. Rachna would surely have wanted to know who he was and how I knew him and why I was getting dropped by him.

The school bus arrives and I am saved from answering her questions.

When I reach home, I find Sandeep standing at the door, instead of in his usual spot in the garden.

‘My mother has had a fall. Hurry. We have to rush there,’ he says.

‘Oh no. How?’ I ask

‘I don’t know. The neighbour called. She slipped in the bathroom. Just hurry and get into the car,’ he says.

Once in the car, Sandeep says, ‘This is why I don’t want her living alone. See what has happened. Why can’t she live with us?’

‘You know how fiercely independent she is, Sandeep. Besides, even if she lived with us, she could still have had the fall. That has nothing to do with her living alone, right? She does have good neighbours and friends there,’ I point out.

His mother has lived in the apartment for several years, first with her husband and now on her own. She has an active social network, is comfortable and happy. She does not want to live in a large home and even though Sandeep has insisted time and again that she move in with us, especially after his father passed away, she has steadfastly refused.

In my heart of hearts, I completely empathize with Sandeep’s mother. I too prefer living in an apartment, and not this bungalow. But then I do so enjoy the little garden we have here, an impossibility in an apartment. I really am a bundle of contradictions.

‘Yes, it’s a good thing she has friends there to help,’ Sandeep says, breaking my reverie.

When we reach her place, we find her in great pain. She is unable to walk. She has fallen on her left side and there is a large angry bump on her forehead. She is holding an ice-pack to it with her right hand. She is unable to move her left arm.

Sandeep and I help her into the car with great difficulty and rush her to the emergency section of Manipal Hospital, one of the best in Bangalore. She is immediately attended to and the doctor advises us to admit her for a day. He wants to keep her under observation, as well as conduct a few tests and X-rays to rule out the possibilities of a fracture or any other problem. Since she has fallen on her head, the doctor wants to monitor her in case of an internal concussion. We have no choice but to agree. Sandeep books a private room for her.

‘I have this really important meeting today. The head of the team from Korea is arriving. Damn. What rotten timing.’ Sandeep is agitated.

I assure him that I will manage and, besides, there is no point in two people hanging around. Sandeep gratefully accepts.

I wonder how he can even think of his office at a time like this. I feel sorry for my mother-in-law. She is very quiet and looks almost frightened, so different from her usual chirpy self.

‘Ma, I have to go. Diksha will be here to look after you,’ says Sandeep.

She does not talk and waves him away with her hand. He leaves quickly without so much as a backward glance, as though relieved to get away.

My mother-in-law is silent for a while. Then she looks at me and breaks down.

I run to her side and hold her hand, wiping away her tears with a tissue.

‘Don’t worry, Ma. Everything’s going to be fine,’ I console her with the usual cliché.

Strangely enough, it comforts her.

‘It is just that at my age, Diksha,’ she whispers, ‘and at times like this, you miss your partner the most. I understand Sandeep is busy. But still, he didn’t even wait for the report. It is like he has shoved me in here and pushed off,’ she says.

‘Ma, it’s not like that. He knows I am here. He knows I will take care of you. You know how he is,’ I say, trying to comfort her even though the very same thought just crossed my mind. She has just spoken my thought out loud.

‘Yes, I do know him,’ she says wearily. ‘Sadly, my son is a selfish idiot. I erred in raising him,’ bitterness creeps into her tone.

I do not know what to say to that.

The nurse comes in and tells me that the patient has to be changed into a hospital gown. She requests me to attend to the many formalities that have to be completed at the hospital. I gently ask my mother-in-law if she will be okay alone while I go. She nods, saying she will be fine. The nurse tells her that she only need ring the bell by her headside and someone will immediately attend to her.

I complete the formalities in about forty-five minutes and, when I come back, I find my mother-in-law fast asleep. In the hospital attire, she appears frail and vulnerable. My heart goes out to her, even though I know hers is not a life-threatening injury and she will soon be fine.

It is only then that I remember ‘my date’ with Gaurav. The day’s events have completely overwhelmed me. It is already two in the afternoon.

I dial his number and he picks up on the first ring itself.

‘Hey there. I am already here. Where are you?’ he asks.

‘I am so sorry, Gaurav. I won’t be able to make it. My mother-in-law is in the hospital and I am with her,’ I reply.

‘Oh,’ he says and I know that he is thinking I stood him up and am making an excuse now.

‘She is likely to be discharged today itself or maybe tomorrow. I can meet you another day perhaps?’ I ask, wanting to make it up to him. I feel bad ditching him like this today.

‘Okay, fine. How about Friday, after class?’ he asks

‘Done deal. I will meet you on Friday afternoon then. Bye, Gaurav,’ I say, as I hang up.

When I turn around, I freeze. I realise that my mother-in-law is awake and has heard every word.

I do not know what to say.

She smiles feebly and says, ‘It is okay. Don’t worry. I will not tell Sandeep.’

I am stunned at her astuteness and how fast she has grasped the situation. I cannot believe she is actually supporting me and is on my side.

‘Ma, actually it’s nothing like that. It is not what you think. I… er… I am taking these classes and Gaurav is my instructor,’ I mumble.

‘What classes, Diksha?’ she asks.

The last thing I want is for her to presume that I am having an affair with Gaurav. It must have sounded like that from the phone call. So I pull up the chair and sit next to her. Then I tell her about all that happened in Vibha’s house. About how trapped I have been feeling. I tell her about how Sandeep behaves when he is at home. I speak about how we have no conversation and how all he does when he comes back from work is watch television. I tell her I am really single-handedly parenting Abhay. I unload all that is on my chest. I also tell her about Sandeep’s insensitivity in most matters. I open my heart and pour out everything. However I leave out the part about my secret wish list. I am not ready to share that with her. At least not yet. She listens patiently and understands exactly what I am saying.

‘You know, I felt much the same way. I too got married to Sandeep’s father, way too early. I have never ever lived my life or done things for myself. But that was okay for women of that generation. Certainly not of your generation,’ she says.

It feels strange to be opening up to my mother-in-law like this. While we have always had a cordial relationship, we have never talked this way before. We now speak like long-lost friends.

This is the first time that I am seeing her as Mrs Subadhra Pandit, the person, and not just as my mother-in-law.

‘I always felt you were too young to get married, Diksha. You were just nineteen. If you remember, when we first met you, I had suggested to your parents that we wait till you were twenty-one at least. We were more than ready for a long engagement. But your parents insisted so much on an early marriage, that we had no option but to comply,’ she says.

I simply nod.

How can I tell her that my parents just wanted me to get married at any cost? How can I tell her how petrified my father was that Sandeep’s family would call off the marriage if they came to know about my incident with Ankit. How can I tell her that I was only sixteen at that time and it was just a kiss, yet my parents acted like I got pregnant and brought shame on the family. I haven’t forgiven them till date for that. How can I tell her how oppressed and sad I felt in that all-women’s college that they put me into and how I longed to get out of it? How can I explain that my parents had demoralised me so much by their words that I was willing to do
anything
they wanted in order to win back their trust, which was why I had agreed to this marriage. I had no idea really what marriage meant when I had said a yes to please my parents. If my parents had asked me to walk on hot coals in order to win back their trust, I would gladly have.

But they hadn’t. All they wanted for me was to get married. Most girls in my community got married before they were twenty-two anyway. If a girl was twenty-four or twenty-five, and still unmarried, she would be talked and gossiped about and all the aunties and other relatives would frantically start the matchmaking process. As far as my parents were concerned, Sandeep was a good guy, and he had excellent educational qualifications (he had done his Law and Company Secretaryship) and earned good money. Most importantly, he had ‘liked’ me and said a yes. As far as my parents were concerned, that was all that mattered.

How could I possibly explain all this to my mother-in-law who is so earnestly telling me I married early?

So I simply say, ‘Anyway whether at nineteen or twenty-one, I would eventually have had to get married and that too the arranged marriage way. I did not mind really.’

She smiles and squeezes my hand.

‘You’re a good girl, Diksha. You are too good for my son really. Go learn your salsa. Don’t be afraid of him. I will speak to him about it and make him understand,’ she says.

‘Oh no, Ma, please do not do that. I really don’t want any complications. I don’t think he will understand,’ I quickly reply in panic. I really do not want Sandeep to know. I am secretly terrified that he will create a huge fuss and there is no telling how he will react.

‘Okay. It is our secret then,’ she says and chuckles. I am happy to see her in good spirits.

I glance at the time and tell her that I will have to leave her and pick up Abhay as he would be arriving home soon. She assures me that she will be fine.

I call up Sandeep to tell him that I am leaving the hospital to pick up Abhay.

‘What is it, Diksha? Can’t you manage? Didn’t I tell you this was important? Why are you calling?’ he hisses on the phone angrily, his voice a few decibels higher that what it usually is.

I am taken aback by it. I have called him only very rarely on the phone. I never disturb him at work usually. It is
his
mother in the hospital for God’s sake. The least he can do is be polite. I don’t expect a thanks, but his curt attitude and tone feels like a hard slap on my face.

I really do not know what to say. While I am quite used to his insensitive nature and selfish attitude, this one really takes the cake.

‘Sorry,’ I mutter and hang up. I do not even have the guts to talk back to him or tell him off. I feel very small. And very hurt.

Then I hail an auto and head towards home to pick up Abhay.

I remember Tanu’s mail on my way home. I so badly want to call up Tanu, but there is really no time as I have to rush back to the hospital, taking Abhay along with me.

When I reach the hospital, I discover that the reports have all arrived and everything is clear. There are no broken bones or hairline fractures which, I’m told, are common for people her age in case of a fall. There is only a twisted ankle. Dr Hooja who is attending to her says that she can be discharged and advise her to take it easy and rest for a few days.

I do not even want to call up Sandeep to tell him that his mother is being discharged. I pay up all the hospital bills, using the add-on credit card. It is a large amount. Ha! He can account for this whopping expense in his account book that he maintains. I feel a sadistic sense of satisfaction at this thought.

I then book a cab and one of the hospital attendants who has just finished his duty, accompanies Abhay and me in the cab to take my mother-in-law home. She has agreed to live with us for a few days till she is able to manage on her own.

‘I am so happy you will be staying with us, Aayi,’ says Abhay as he hugs her. She smiles back.

‘Me too,’ I add and I mean it.

Sandeep calls on my cell phone at around eight pm, when I am in the middle of serving dinner to my mother-in-law and Abhay.

‘I got late as I couldn’t possibly leave office before the Korean team left. So what is the scene? Shall I come to the hospital?’ he asks.

‘We are at home. She is with us,’ I reply, trying to keep the anger and accusations out of my voice.

‘Oh,’ he says. Then a moment later adds, ‘How did you get her home? Why didn’t you call me?’

‘Because you said you had important stuff at work,’ I grit my teeth and answer. I think that if there is a Nobel Prize awarded for tolerance of extreme selfishness in a spouse, I would win it.

Later when everyone has slept, I log in to the computer and quickly draft a reply to Tanu.

‘
Hey Tanu!!

It is really me. How AWESOME to hear from you. I wanted to call you last night itself, as soon as I saw your mail, but it was too late. And then I wanted to call you the first thing this morning, but a lot has been happening.

I am married and have been married now for fifteen years. Can you believe? And I am a mother too. Yeah—don’t be shocked, my son is now nine.

Sandeep works in an MNC and we stay on Artillery Road in Bangalore.

I am so excited that you are moving here! This is a real bolt from the blue, Tanu, albeit a pleasant one.

And, Oh my God, you have become a total career woman!

Are you married?