The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (15 page)

After months of strategizing with key political confidants, tarot card readers, and a talented but unemployed horse whisperer named Shh-neigh-neigh, President Andrew Jackson, friend of the white man, orchestrated a plan.

His plan of presidential influence would earn him the love and adoration of screaming teenage Caucasian girls who were fearful of men with names like Bull Head, Catch the Bear, and Red Tomahawk. Jackson had long recognized that Euro transplants and their offspring deserved something special for making the long and difficult journey from the other side of the pond. They deserved what was already someone else's. They deserved to own the land that was inconveniently titled to men and women who were unaffectionately known as Indians.

These Indians had proven to be quite a pain in the ass when it came to providing the round football loving new arrivals with the means to make their economic dreams come true. In 1830, at a nationally televised debate against Chief Squatting Bull, Jackson effectively argued outside a popular Manhattan delicatessen that the United States could not be the land of opportunity if it didn't have any land to give away.
THIS ARGUMENT INSPIRED THE WHITE TELEVISION AUDIENCE WATCHING AT HOME LIKE A DAVID HASSELHOFF CONCERT INSPIRES GERMAN FREEDOM FIGHTERS.

Prior to impressing debate monitors Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper, hosts of
Squaw Box
, with his oratory skills versus Chief Squatting Bull, Jackson was winning millions upon millions of acres of Indian land as a respected military leader a decade and a half earlier. Those critical of Jackson's Indian bullying argued that his ability to bring a gun to a tomahawk fight was not impressive. Jackson's success over the Indians allowed white-skins in the South to start job programs for captured black Africans. The same black Africans whose egos were fed by the fact that white Americans cared enough to purchase them and provide them and their descendents with lifetime job security.

Riding the wave of enthusiasm from land hungry whites, Jackson ushered legislation through both the House and the Senate that gave him the authority to trade unsettled, undeveloped, and difficult-to-farm land west of the Mississippi River for the lush, developed, and agricultural friendly land owned by Indians east of the Mississippi River. Using the same algorithm that China uses to ensure that trade with the United States is not fair and equitable, Jackson began negotiating with the major Indian tribes to trade his desert for their arable farmland. Despite Jackson's one-sided good faith negotiations with America's original settlers, many of them showed a total lack of appreciation for Jackson's land swap and refused to move.

Despite Jackson's willingness to include colored beads in his crafty negotiations, there were some tribes who refused to play ball. This defiance left Jackson with no choice but to order General Petraeus to forcibly remove every Indian living east of the Mississippi. After years of indifferent results, the savvy Pe-traeus ordered a surge of military fighters. This surge in troop numbers proved to be the difference, as white America was able to rid itself of its pesky Indian problem and acquire the land they so richly deserved.

Americans are lucky in that our country has a rich tradition of inspiring historically accurate stories to swell our pride to John Holmes proportions. Countries like Burkina Faso, Mauritius, and Kiribati exist in an environment void of any real significant reason to inspire national pride. Here in the United States, a young and attractive woman can truly achieve the American Dream by starting with nothing and achieving success. Starting as a Hooters waitress, wearing a tight-fitting tank top with skin-tight orange nylon shorts, to a shirt-removing, lap-dancing stripper, to a well-compensated international porn star, no mountain is too high. As for Kiribati, the women can't even find a Hooters, or even the poor man's equivalent, Wing House, to ignite their own inspiring tale. From U.S.-born-and-bred porn stars to gold medal Olympic efforts to military heroics on the battlefield, there are more chest pounding American events than we can ever be expected to remember. However, since 1836, we have been asked to remember to wrap it up when having sex with an evolved former Hooter's waitress and to remember the Alamo.

When it comes to Hooters girls it is best to form good habits. Wrap it up early and often. Get in a condom-wearing routine until it becomes second nature for you. As far as remembering the Alamo, dial back a hundred and seventy years or so as even back then thousands of unruly Mexicans were causing problems in Willie Nelson's home state of Texas.

In December 1835, Ben Milam led Texan troops against Mexican combatants stationed at the former home for missionaries and their converts known as the Alamo. After several days of intense fighting, the Texans were victorious. However, by February 1836, the Mexicans were back like Montezuma's revenge. General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna brought his alternative late army to San Antonio, ready to attack.

Early on, the Texans made a unanimous decision (including the handful of nonvoting black slaves that were at the Alamo) that they were not going to surrender to a general with a girl's name. William B. Travis, mediocre warrior, but great community organizer, sent couriers out to ask for help, and with the few men who enthusiastically returned, the defense total reached approximately 200 versus around 8,000 Mexican troops.

Legend has it the motivational Colonel Travis drew a line in the sand and said all who wanted to stay and fight with him should cross it, and if there were any yellow-bellied sellouts, they were free to leave. Of course, the only one who did not cross the line was Moses Rose, who, naturally, was French.
HIS LEGEND QUICKLY BECAME THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS, OR JUST “CHICKEN SHIT” FOR SHORT.

Once the Alamo fell into Mexican hands, the final death toll was estimated at 189 Texan defenders, at least 1,600 Mexicans, and 208 Chihuahuas. Unable to find a battle in which 95 percent of their combatants died, in order to instill some reason for national pride, the governments of both Burkina Faso and Mauritius have applied for Hooters franchises to be built in their humble countries.