The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (29 page)

Some people think the NATO acronym stands for
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ften. However, a smaller, less-informed population refers to it as the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Since 1949, this organization has operated as a military front, designed to encourage smaller, strategically located countries to willingly allow the United States and Britain access to their country's land bases and air space in exchange for protection from the unpredictable and inherently aggressive Soviet/Russian government.

The group's membership reads like a “who's who” and a “who's not” of developed and developing countries. Countries on the roster include recognizable names like Canada, France, and Germany, along with many not-so-recognizable names like Estonia, Latvia, and Slovenia. For many Americans, it is the fact that Slovenia is contractually obligated to have our American back that allows them to sleep comfortably through the night.

The current group of twenty-six members has recently become more selective in their acceptance of new protection-seeking countries. It is believed that if the new guidelines were in place from the inception, countries with little to offer like Hungary, Iceland, and Luxembourg would currently be on the outside of the NATO window looking in.

NATO defines itself as an organization that protects the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. This means that if a member country is feeling a little confrontational, they can confidently mouth off all they want, because if nonmember countries react aggressively toward them, it results in a series of American and British “shock and awe” retaliatory bombings. This cat-and-mouse game is popular within American military circles, as it allows U.S. forces to experiment with new and exciting toys of war on easily defeated opponents.

MUCH LIKE THE FORMULA TO COKE CLASSIC AND THE COLONEL'S SECRET CHICKEN RECIPE, THE NATO HIERARCHY IS A DEEP SECRET.
It has often been suspected that either Bulgaria is at the top of the organizational chart, because of the chaotic nature in which the organization operates, or the United States is the top monkey pulling the strings, because of how often they get their own way. There is no real evidence to disprove either theory, and ongoing smart money seems to be drifting toward a third-party candidate with a lower profile, like Portugal or the Netherlands.

Over the last several years, NATO has expanded its role to mix in a little battlefield action inside countries that are not registered to the organization but still unable to defend themselves against atrocities occurring within its borders.

In March 1999, NATO enthusiastically jumped into the Kosovo conflict, ignoring Kosovo's lack of membership. For seventy-eight days, NATO combatants enjoyed their demonstration of superiority over the in-the-wrong Serbian forces. Prior to the Kosovo involvement, NATO touched it up with the Bosnian Serb Army back in the late summer of 1995 inside Bosnia and Herzegovina. It has been rumored that there was even a French soldier who participated in the fighting before he concluded that war was beneath him and he surrendered to Serbian troops, requesting a bottle of vintage Merlot for his trouble.

Today NATO operates exactly as it was intended to. The American government gets to pick and choose which countries it would like to confront, while the rest of the membership falls in line behind them. If the West Point grads need a little mountain warfare training, the United States can influence NATO to up its involvement in Afghanistan. If snow and ice are desirable, one of the former Soviet republics off ers a suitable training ground for NATO involvement. Regardless of conflict or cause, the tightly knit group of NATO members will always have America's back, because they are contractually obligated to do so — except for the second Gulf War, as nearly every one of the twenty-six countries found a loophole allowing them to forgo their military support.

To further explore the inner workings of this international military alliance, let's take a look at the FAQs from NATO'S website and interpret their evasive answers:

Q: What does NATO do?

A: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) is an alliance of 26 countries from North America and Europe committed to fulfilling the goals of the North Atlantic Treaty signed on 4 April 1949. In accordance with the Treaty, the fundamental role of NATO is to safeguard the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. NATO is playing an increasingly important role in crisis management and peacekeeping.

Translation:
NATO is a puppet organization of the United States. It currently exists to further U.S. interests in Western Europe. The United States wipes the other members' bottoms, and tucks them in at night as they suckle from our mostly prosperous capitalist teat. As the proverbial Mother Hen, the other member countries hide beneath our protective skirt when trouble comes.

Q: Does NATO have its own armed forces?

A:
All member countries that participate in the military aspect of the Alliance contribute forces and equipment, which together constitute the integrated military structure of the Alliance. These forces and assets remain under national command and control until a time when they are required by NATO [for] a specific purpose (i.e. conflict or crisis, peacekeeping). NATO, however, does possess some common capabilities owned and operated by the Alliance, such as the AWACS early warning radar aircraft.

Translation:
Twenty-four of the twenty-six member nations dress out some soldiers who look good in the NATO brochures. But they stay on the bench during game time. When trouble comes calling, the United States and Britain provide 99 percent of the military force. But to be fair, the organizational agenda is 99 percent provided by the United States and Britain.

Q: What are the conditions for joining NATO? Which countries are eligible?

A:
NATO has an open door policy with regard to enlargement. Any European country in a position to further the principles of the Washington Treaty and contribute to security in the Euro-Atlantic area can become a member of the Alliance at the invitation of the North Atlantic Council.

Countries aspiring for NATO membership are also expected to meet certain political, economic and military goals in order to ensure that they will become contributors to Alliance security as well as beneficiaries of it.

NATO's Membership Action Plan (MAP) is designed to assist aspirant partner countries in their preparations by providing a framework which enables NATO to channel assistance and practical support to them on all aspects of NATO membership.