The Sleeping Partner (7 page)

I said: ‘Perhaps they go round all the better for not having half an eye on priority bookings in an afterlife.'

He smiled, the light glinting on his taut cheekbones. ‘ Isn't that rather a Victorian outlook? I mean an Edwardian objection to the Victorian outlook. Oh, I understand the anti-religious attitude of people with some personal hate – too much of it thrust down their throats as children, etc. But even that's terribly out-of-date. What person under forty had an overdose in childhood?' He stopped, short-breathed.

I felt rubbed up the wrong way, partly because of what he'd said but chiefly because of the way he'd said it. ‘It isn't a question of holding a grudge. It's an attitude of mind, that's all. Modern science accepts what can be proved, it's pretty sceptical but always open to new discoveries; it's never dogmatic and so it jibs at dogma in others; it doesn't deny that some spiritual ideas are good but it has no use for out-of-date fairy tales … I think also it thinks that a man who does any good thing because he wants to improve the chances and the living conditions of his next-door neighbour is better than one who “ casts his bread upon the waters” in the expectation that it's all going to give him a leg up with St Peter later on.'

Stella said: ‘Mike has a nice way of putting things.' It was the first time she'd called me by my first name.

John Curtis lit his pipe. I think his hands always trembled when he did this. ‘It seems to me that the science that you practise lets its view be crowded up by the non-important things. Your science sees a religious structure and works from the top, breaking down what it doesn't like until what's important is buried in the ruins. My science would ignore any religious structure that exists and would work from the bottom building up. It then might find – I think it does find – that the thing it has built, entirely on scientific premises, has an extraordinary identity with nearly all the religious structures that man has been evolving ever since he crept out of the cave.'

I wondered what he meant by scientific premises – half-baked assumptions? – but I could hardly ask. I said: ‘What change would it make in me if I threw over my sceptical outlook and accepted all the myths?'

‘I don't particularly want you to. But I do think it vitally important that men like you, the crowned heads of the future, shouldn't restrict yourselves to a narrow technical view of life, where you can't see the wood for the trees, or the idea for the wires, or the opportunities for the dangers.' He stopped and looked at his pipe. ‘You think I'm riding some private hobby-horse of my own?'

I had to say no.

‘Perhaps it's true. Certainly I think it's important. I'm not talking quite so much about the pure scientist – he usually sees the mystery behind the technical tricks – it's the applied scientist who's the danger. Either he works blindly on, preoccupied with his mechanical devices, or he is sensitive enough, as you are, to lift his head from time to time and see the material world he's creating. Then he thinks life is not so much a trust to be handed on as a sordid and nauseating mistake that can't be explained.'

I left soon after. Stella walked with me to the gate. She said: ‘Sorry about that. We don't often go in off the deep end.'

‘I hope I haven't tired him.'

‘No, I'm sure not.'

‘This life must be pretty heavy on you.'

‘What, looking after him?'

‘And doubling with me at full stretch too.'

She said: ‘I haven't said thanks for the testimonial the first time you came.'

‘What? Oh … It's only the truth. I'd never have believed a woman could have stuck at it so well.'

‘I don't think I like that as much.'

‘And now, seeing your home life …'

‘What's wrong with my home life?'

‘From one point of view, nothing at all. But you can't pretend it's particularly restful.'

We had got to the gate. She said rather formally: ‘I hope your wife won't be annoyed at our keeping you so long.'

‘She won't because she isn't there to get annoyed.'

‘Oh, I see. Well … good night.'

‘As a matter of fact, she's left me.' I don't know why I said it then; but it came out.

Stella said lightly: ‘How long is she going to be away?'

‘So far as I know at the moment she isn't coming back.'

There was a longish silence. When she didn't speak I said: ‘One sometimes
blurts
out these embarrassing confidences.'

‘… Are you serious?'

‘Oh, quite serious, yes.'

‘I
am
sorry.'

‘Thanks.'

‘When was it?'

‘Thursday last.'

‘Did you – know it was coming?'

‘No. I've been more than usually dull. Maybe it's this preoccupation with technicalities your husband spoke of.'

‘So sorry about that … But naturally we never guessed …'

‘Well you couldn't be expected to.' I opened the gate. ‘ Keep this to yourself, won't you? I'm not looking for shoulders to weep on.'

‘I can only say again, I'm sorry.'

‘That's all there is to say.'

In the middle of the night I thought, what a fool I am standing on my dignity, she'd be right to think me pompous and stuffy. Besides, how do I
know
what she's feeling? On Friday night she'd have thought it humiliating to be caught. But perhaps really she's wanting to make this thing up and only won't make the first move.

I got up and put on a dressing-gown and fetched some notepaper and switched on the electric fire.

My dear Lynn,

Your letter floored me when it came. Believe it or not, and
in spite of our few recent squabbles, I hadn't an idea that you
felt as badly about my neglect as you do. I suppose I've been
like a shortsighted bus driver blundering on in spite of the
warning signals; now I'm complaining that the bus has gone
over the edge.

Well, it has gone over the edge for me. I haven't written
before because I hoped to be able to come and see you and
see what could be salvaged from the wreck. Don't you think
we should meet? There won't be a scene. I think we've always
been civilised about these things and I've certainly no ambition
to change.

Darling, I know all this year you've only had 25 per cent
of a husband. If that's why you left me then I'm willing to
throw up
whatever you say
and have a shot at beginning again
on entirely different lines. But if you've left me for another
man then it's going to be rather tough. But I still want to see
you and hear about it in so many words. It can't be any worse
than not knowing for sure. I'm not going to try to see you
until you give the signal. You're right about that; it's got to
be at your time and when you feel ready.

You left your key on Friday night, but I've put it under the
geranium pot in the porch. You know when I'm away, so you
can come back any time you like and fetch the things you
want. You also dropped one of your turquoise earrings, which
I'm sending with this.

With regret – as you say – but with very much affection.

Mike.

N
EXT MORNING
Thurston rang to know when the survey equipment would be ready.

I said: ‘The thing's still rather in the fourth-day-of-Creation stage. Anything fresh?'

‘Could you get it ready for first experiments by Friday week?'

When quiet had been restored Thurston said apologetically: ‘Farnborough suggested bringing the Auster over to you on that open ground you've got; but nobody much cares for the idea. So the plane's been flown down to the rocket site at Llanveryan, and we feel that if the thing could be fitted up there it would be much more convenient for first trials.'

I said: ‘That part's all right.'

‘I know. Actually it's the Ministry and not Harwell that's turning on the steam this time. The whole affair has become suddenly much more vital and more urgent because of this unrest there is in the Sudan on the self-determination issue. Nobody seems to know quite what is going to happen to our area. Porter began talking of its “importance to England” when he was on the telephone just now.'

I said: ‘Well, I can understand that. But what do they expect me to do, lash the stuff together with string?'

‘Do you need any extra help – will it speed things up at all?'

I thought round this. ‘Honestly, David, you can swop drivers if there's any lack of confidence in the man at the wheel, but you can't go any faster for having two at the same time.'

‘No, I know that. I'm only anxious that you should put this over in a big way. If you do you'll be a favourite child so far as Harwell is concerned.'

When he'd rung off I went into the lab and told Stella what Thurston had said. She pursed her lips in a soundless whistle.

‘I'll say goodbye to my bed for the next ten days.'

‘No,' I said. ‘Your part's finished. If there's any panic overtime I'll do it alone – or with Dawson.'

‘D'you mean you're taking me off the job?'

‘Heavens, no. I want you to keep hard at it till the whistle blows. And that won't be on Friday week, believe me. I can picture myself spending quite a bit of August in Wales.'

‘Then as to staying late …'

Our eyes met. ‘As to staying late, that's my affair. For – reasons that you know, I've no ties at present.'

‘Whereas I have.'

‘Whereas you have. Exacting ones, however pleasant.'

Her blue eyes nickered away. ‘I don't think you ought to hold my private life against me.'

‘I don't hold it against you, but you're too valuable to be worked to death.'

She took in a slow breath, embarrassed. ‘Thank you. I'm sure that justifies a rise.'

‘I'll give you one.'

‘Make it guineas.' She stopped and flushed. ‘ Sorry. But you do see, don't you, that if I'm here as an employee – as I am – you can't begin to take in all sorts of private pros and cons before you ask me to stay late or do extra work. Besides … I want to do it. I want to see it through.'

I said: ‘It means we've simply got to throw the thing together. We must have a few days for testing here before it goes out.'

‘They know that as well as you,' she said. ‘ I shouldn't worry.'

‘No,' I said. ‘I've given up worrying about that.'

I decided to spend this last rush period at the Old Bull at Letherton. Kent, still staying with the Lloyds, seemed fairly quiet, and, although Mrs Lloyd peered at me through her microscopes when I said I hadn't yet heard when Mrs Granville was coming back, she didn't ask any questions. I thought of telling her of Lynn's key under the geranium so that she could go in and clean up once in a while, but I thought Lynn might come for it sometime and prefer no one to know. The house wouldn't go to pot in a week or so, and I could run over myself every day for the post.

Before I left Greencroft I packed a few things. I had to open her wardrobe, which I'd not done since she left. The white evening frock she'd worn at Glyndebourne twisted slightly on its hanger and that perfume came from it. It gave me a nasty turn, a sort of nostalgia, and above all a need to see her and talk to her again. I felt as if I'd thrown away all the things that mattered in life for the sake of a certain amount of not very important prestige.

On the Sunday, finding my own company suddenly just not to be lived with any longer, I rang Simon Heppelwhite and said could we meet for a drink somewhere. He said he was just leaving for the Criterion where his stage sets for
Volpone
were going up; but if I liked to meet him there he'd be delighted to see me.

When I got in, Simon was sitting in the stalls dwarfing the producer beside him like a lion beside a badger, while spotlights were being switched on and off a bit of Venetian Gothic. One or two people whom I took to be actors were drifting about in the half-lit auditorium. I shouldn't altogether have been surprised to find Joy Fraser with him, but she wasn't there. Or even Lynn …

At first I was sorry I'd come, as he seemed too explosive and temperamental to have much attention for outside things but after a while the producer went off to argue with somebody at the back of the stage. We talked for a minute or two and then I told Simon about Lynn.

He didn't give much, but sat sideways with his elbows on the back of the seat in front, rubbing his chin on his thumb.

‘I'm sorry, Michael. Very sorry indeed.'

‘Did you know about it?'

‘Not altogether. But I suspected something. I think you've been wise in not following her.'

‘Why particularly?'

‘Well, in my opinion she's behaving like an immoderate little fool. If there
is
a hope of patching this up – and I don't in the least propose to guess what your feelings are for each other now – if there is a hope it lies in leaving her on her own to work this over for herself and find her own way out of it.'

I was a bit surprised at the strong way he'd put it. ‘Have you seen her?'

‘No.' After a second he added, lisping: ‘Of course I should be the last person to discourage you from meeting her half-way. But to go after her now, to meet her on her own terms, so to speak, giving her the impression that she's more sinned against than sinning, would put an end to any hope there ever was of your coming satisfactorily together again. I know Lynn.'

‘Perhaps she is more sinned against than sinning.'

‘Oh, nonsense.' He pulled at his big knitted tie until it came still looser. ‘What woman hasn't been neglected sometime in her life because the man is buried in his work? You've
slept
at home most nights, haven't you? And has it escaped everyone's notice that you've been working for
her?
Where did she get that handsome piece of cat she usually wears on her back – or her car, or the money to decorate her new home according to her most extravagant fancy? And isn't she a partner in the firm? Didn't you tell me that?'