The Source of All Things (36 page)

You confess how the art of poetry and short stories came into your life in a positive way. Do you see artistic expression as a method of healing? How have you found the creation of poetry and art help victims of abuse and other traumatic experiences?

This is tricky, because for me “healing” is much more synonymous with physical adventure than it has been with creating art. I'm a really physical person, which is why I spend so much time doing things like skiing, hiking, rafting, and mountain biking—all things that take me out of my head and put me squarely in my body. The paradox, obviously, is that writing is purely mental. I love writing and other forms of artistic expression, but they are by no means my main methods of healing. The perfect mix for me is to go outside and do something really taxing and physical—hill sprints on a steep mountain trail, maybe—and then come inside and write poetry or work on a story. That's why I'm such a fan and supporter of programs like Outward Bound, NOLS, and Big City Mountaineers, which take kids into the wilderness, walk or hike them to a place of raw openness, and then facilitate them in sitting down and experiencing their feelings. There's something about being so spent, so “flushed out” from extreme physical exertion that lets people feel their feelings without their normal judgment. So for me, it's not art alone that creates healing, but art mixed with some sort of physical output or adventure.

Programs that involve intense immersion in nature for troubled teens seem as though they have as many benefits as they do drawbacks. Do you think the Challenger experience helped any of the kids you met? Do you think it's the right approach for helping them heal?

Because I haven't kept in touch with those kids, I honestly can't say whether Challenger helped them or not. But based on what I witnessed, it seemed only to make the kids angrier and more resentful. That's not to say that different wilderness programs don't work. An organization called Big City Mountaineers in Denver, for instance, mentors under-resourced urban teens by taking them into the mountains and teaching them skills like navigation and other survival techniques. What they're really doing is teaching kids self-awareness, responsibility, and communication, of course, but through one-on-one interaction with adults in really awe-inspiring locations. If you have a troubled kid, or know someone who does, though, I'd be really careful about where you send him or her. In the Challenger era, at least, there were several wilderness rehabilitation companies that let kids become seriously dehydrated and/or malnourished. A few even died.

Chronic abuse in early childhood often results in many dissociative symptoms in relation to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Could you discuss any symptoms you may have experienced in your life and how you overcame these horrible effects of abuse?

I think I will always be in a state of overcoming the effects of abuse. Recent studies show that children who are abused experience nerve damage that lasts throughout their lifetimes. For me, it comes down to two major side effects: hatred of my body and the inability to trust my own thoughts, memories, and perceptions about things. I can't remember a time when I haven't fought my own body, either with food issues like early anorexia or with exercise addiction, which is becoming more and more prevalent in all women. But the hardest part of living for me is never being able to trust my own instincts. As a writer, I have to work every day to both believe my own perception and to believe in myself!

Do you have any other plans for your next work? Can we have a hint as to what we may expect?

I'm currently working on three big magazine feature stories: one about my relationship with my husband and our shared love of outdoor adventure; one about predator (as in wolves, grizzlies, and black bears) politics in Alaska in the post-Palin era, and one fun story in which two of my Denali ranger girlfriends and I will take the last backpacker bus into Denali National Park and do a big trip after the summer crowds have retreated.