The Stranger's Woes (28 page)

“Oh, I can stand just about anyone as long as I don’t have to stand them for too long,” I said. “To think of how much has happened in just a year!”

“A year and forty-eight days,” said Melifaro. “We’ve been keeping track during your absence. We made notches on a table in the Hall of Common Labor.”

“You did? Unbelievable.”

“But of course. Those were the happiest days in our lives. A man has the right to know exactly how long he’s been happy.”

“I see. Okay, you can be happy for another couple of hours. By the way, it’s noon, and my shift doesn’t start until midnight. So I’m off.”

“You’re off to where?” said Melifaro. “I’ll bet you’re going to get stuffed again. Didn’t they feed you at the Seven-Leaf Clover?”

“You know how stingy they are there. Believe it or not, I haven’t eaten once since I was gone.”

This was true. I don’t remember seeing any diners in the Corridor between Worlds. I even got visibly skinny during my magic slumber. Truth be told, I was looking forward to fattening myself up again.

“If you’re headed to the
Glutton—
”

“If I
were
headed to the
Glutton
, I’d say so. I need to stop by my place. Do you know what’s going on there? While I was away, one young man made himself right at home under my roof.”

“Oh, that tubby journalist? He’s a nice guy. Funny, too.” In Melifaro’s parlance, a recommendation like that weighed in as a real compliment.

“My cats think he’s nice, too,” I said. “The three were perfectly happy without me. You can’t imagine what the place looks like now. I’m a minimalist, as you know, but this is beyond belief. They’ve turned the place upside down. The whole house needs an overhaul. My humble Forbidden Magic skills are insufficient, so to fix the place up I followed the advice of Sir Shurf and hired professionals. Some pretty shady fellows, let me tell you. Possibly former Grand Magicians. Their leader says it’ll take them no less than two dozen days to fix it up, and deep in my heart, I tend to agree with him. In any case, that’s much too long for me to wait. I’m going over there to inspire them to hurry it up with my menacing countenance. Long story short, I’ll be back in an hour. Then we’ll go to the
Glutton
or some other place—you decide. Boy, I’m so agreeable today, I disgust myself.”

“Yes, you’re losing your touch,” said Melifaro, smiling from ear to ear. “Get along with you now. But come back soon.”

“You’re letting me go? Really? Thank you, O magnanimous master.”

I made a deep bow in the spirit of Melifaro himself and rushed out of Headquarters. I think I had the last word in that exchange, though when it comes to determining the winner of a contest of wits, even the Dark Magicians would be hard-pressed to choose between Melifaro and myself.

At home, everything was fine, except that Armstrong and Ella were irked because I had locked them in the bedroom. I didn’t think it was such a great idea for them to saunter around among sullen workers, building materials, and other unwholesome clutter.

“It’s your own fault,” I said, scratching the napes of my little furries’ necks. “I should have locked your honey pie Anday in with you. I’m not done with him yet. Let this be a lesson to you: next time you’ll think twice before demolishing everything in sight.”

I knew very well that they wouldn’t, though, if given another chance.

Two hours later, Melifaro and I were sitting at the
Glutton Bunba
. I was really going to make up for lost time.

“So, where are you going to live now?” said my diurnal half. “At Headquarters?”

“Uh-huh. Consider the Minor Secret Investigative Force to be temporarily disbanded. You guys are too much of a nuisance: you’re noisy, and you’re always munching on something. Seriously though, I still have my old apartment on the Street of Old Coins, remember?”

“That shed? Take it easy on the food, then, or you’re not going to fit inside it. The reason I’m asking is because my nutty family is begging me to bring you out for a stay. I tried telling my folks that they’d live to regret it, but they’re a bit slow, like all farmers.” Melifaro’s wit spared no one, not even his own parents.

“Is this an invitation?”

“No, it’s the final warning. Don’t you dare come poking your nose around my family estate! Well, unless it’s under my direct supervision. I’m going there tonight to see my older brother.”

“The big guy?”

“Who? Oh, you mean Baxba? No, I’m talking about Anchifa. The pride of the family, as it were. He’s a real pirate. What else would my brother do in the wet, salty, boundless sea? The way I see it, pillaging merchant
fafunas
is the only worthy pastime under the circumstances. Anchifa got home just a few days ago, and it’s been a nonstop celebration ever since. In other words, it’s boring as hell there. Please don’t let me die of boredom!”

“I’d love to save you, Melifaro, but you know Juffin. He’ll gladly send me straight into a den of berserk werewolves, but on a pleasant trip to the country—I don’t think so.”

“Oh, but he will,” said Melifaro. “I already talked to him. Juffin was pretty happy about it. I gather you’re getting on his nerves big time.”

“Really?” I said. “Good golly, I thought he’d tie me to the chair so that nothing would distract me from my work.”

“That would be fantastic!” Melifaro said. “I should suggest it to him.”

“Munching away, are you, boys?” said Sir Kofa Yox, who had materialized suddenly behind my back. “Good, good. I have some news for you, Max. You’re going to love it.”

“Is this a new joke?” I said.

I had already heard dozens of them. While I was gone, the locals missed me so much that they had come up with jokes (most of them quite obscene) featuring yours truly. I had no choice but to put up with them. After all, even Sir Juffin Hully hadn’t escaped that dubious honor.

“Ha! Dream on,” said Kofa. “You think they’re going to come up with new ones every day now? Sorry, but no. You are an important person here, no doubt, but not
that
important.”

“Praise be the Magicians! So, what’s the news?” I said.

“Nothing special, except that I arrested a countryman of yours less than half an hour ago. In the
Sated Skeleton
.”

“My countryman?” I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. A compatriot of mine had already appeared in Echo once before. He turned out to be a serial killer who had accidentally stumbled across my first Door between Worlds. The poor fellow used that metaphysical journey for the only purpose he could think of: sating his appetite and committing murders at double his usual rate. In the end, I had to put him out of his misery, and I didn’t like it a single bit.

“But of course. Why are you so surprised?” said Sir Kofa with a sly wink. “True, the County Vook is quite remote from the Capital, but some people are very fond of traveling.”

It was impossible to conceal my relief. The fellow in question was simply an inhabitant of the County Vook and the Barren Lands. According to the story of my origins that Juffin had concocted for me, those backwoods were my homeland. I’m pretty sure that none of my colleagues believed in that nonsense, but they were tactful enough not to voice their doubts. They were quite happy with me the way I was—what with the mysterious air and all.

“So, what did he do, this countryman of mine?” To be honest, I couldn’t care less about the criminal adventures of some inhabitant of the Barren Lands. I had to stay in character, though, so I forced myself to feign real curiosity.

“Nothing special,” said Sir Kofa. “The fellow fell victim to his own ignorance.”

“What, he didn’t know how to add two and two?” said Melifaro, guffawing. “I didn’t know that was against the law.”

Sir Kofa laughed, too, snatched a pastry from my plate, took a bite, and continued: “The guy had a signet ring that allowed him to read the thoughts of others. Nothing to brag about, really. During the Epoch of Orders almost every Echoer had toys like that. At the beginning of the Code Epoch, however, they were confiscated by special decree of Gurig VII. In the first place, it was White Magic of the twenty-fourth degree. And, second, it was a glaring breach of Article 48 of the Code of Krember, which stated that every citizen of the Unified Kingdom had the right to his or her own personal secrets. Your fellow countryman, naturally, didn’t give a fig about ‘personal secrets.’ He got the signet ring from a ‘good friend’ of his some ninety years ago. I suspect that the ‘friend’ was one of the fugitive Junior Magicians. Back then they roamed the outskirts of the Unified Kingdom in swarms.”

“What’s going to happen to him now?” I said.

“Nothing special. In a few days, the innocent victim will have to part with his precious stone, accept monetary compensation for the confiscated talisman, and return home. Xolomi is overpopulated as it is. No need to detain him any further.”

“Perhaps I should pay him a visit,” I said. “After all, he’s my countryman.” I was curious to see a real inhabitant of the Barren Lands. I had the right to know what I was supposed to look like in the eyes of the Capital dwellers.

“Have you been missing the smell of manure?” Melifaro said. “You think you can find a piece and get a whiff if you search the fellow’s pockets? I know what you’re up to.”

“You know, you may very well have to get involved in this case,” Sir Kofa agreed. “The fellow didn’t come to Echo alone. There’s a whole caravan with him. Our compassionate citizens have already informed the terrified nomads that a countryman of theirs is a big shot in the Secret Investigative Force. I think they’re already on their way to the House by the Bridge. Do you have any idea what you might be in for?”

“This is going to be fun.” At first, I was exhilarated, but then I started thinking about the consequences. The whole business could easily blow my cover. I frowned. “I think I’m going to drop in on Juffin.”

“I think you’d better, my boy,” said Sir Kofa. “He also thinks you should drop in on him. Or he’ll be thinking that soon. Anyway, I’m sorry I interrupted your lunch.”

“That’s quite all right, Sir Kofa. I’m ready to put up with a lot more than that from you.” I stuffed the last pastry into my mouth and rose from the table.

“Wow, get a load of Mr. Busybody!” said Melifaro. “Don’t even think of abandoning me now. We’re leaving tonight.”

“Don’t worry. Have I ever passed up an opportunity to fill my belly at your expense? I love your parents’ cooking.”

“Such commitment,” said Melifaro. “Such profound ambition in the name of a single idea. Such selfless service to one’s own stomach.”

“Yup, that’s me,” I said with pride. “Lonli-Lokli once taught me a series of excellent breathing exercises. They help me focus on the main goal and not waste my concentration on trifling matters. The result is standing before you now.”

I found Sir Juffin Hully in his office. When I went in, he was trying to assume a serious expression. It didn’t work very well, though. Instead, his refractory face betrayed a cunning smile.

“Ready to meet your fellow countrymen?” he asked.

“You know very well that I’m not. You can’t be ready for something like that. By the way, it was your idea that I was supposed to hail from the Barren Lands. You’ve got to help me out now!”

“Don’t panic. We’ll patch up your biography in no time. No big deal. It goes like this: You’re an orphan—you don’t remember your parents. You were brought up by some old fugitive Magician by the name of . . . No, he kept his name secret from everyone, even from you. That is just what you might expect of a fugitive Magician. You lived in a small house on the boundless plains. The old man taught you magic, little by little. Then he died, and you set off for the Capital to find an old friend of your guardian’s—me, that is. That should be enough. What do you think?”