The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (12 page)

DRUGS

Fucking
don’t
. Don’t come into the club all jacked up on crap, don’t come in rolling balls and wanting to touch everyone, don’t come in smelling like you just hot boxed your car on the way in. Don’t ask a dancer to score drugs for you since it implies that she looks like someone who does, buys or sells drugs, and most women, strippers included, will
hardly
consider that a compliment.

Plus, what are you, some kind of cop? I guarantee that, within minutes of you asking her for shit, the word to stay away from the
narc
 at the corner table (that’s
you
) will get around to everyone in the club. Don’t offer to sell either, since it has all the same connotations, you maybe being an undercover cop included. And really, if you
are
selling in a strip club, then your purpose for being there is clearly your own personal,
economic agenda
,
not
because you are interested in the stripper you claim to be pursuing. Your
paramour
 will pick up on that, and that awareness will
surely
torpedo all the hard work you’ve been doing to connect with her.

An additional down side of all this is that dealing drugs inside a strip club, you are placing the legal and economic well-being of
the entire staff and all the dancers
at risk. Those people have food to put on the table, and your
zany hi-jinks
 vis-à-vis slanging shit in their club
might not
be perceived in a positive way. The club environment might rapidly go from warm and sunny to cold and inhospitable in the blink of an eye. Finding yourself in the alley behind the club with a bouncer cracked out on
steroids and Adderall
 who thinks you’re trying to take food out of the mouth of his six-month old daughter becomes a definite possibility.

KEEPING
YOUR
HANDS
TO
YOURSELF

I’ll keep this one short, since it really,
seriously
shouldn’t require that much of an explanation. A true gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell; neither does he grope, pinch, or try to slide a finger into a girl’s vagina. When a dancer bends over in front of him during a private dance, he doesn’t lean forward and stick his face between her cheeks. Do that kind of shit with her once you have her home, and you’re both in the mood to party.

Don’t ask her to lean in so you can whisper something to her, then flip the script and go for a kiss instead. That is some downright creepy molester business; if you want to get anywhere with the girls, putting out serious rape vibes is not the way to do it. Don’t run your hands all over her body if she is sitting with you, don’t try to “accidentally” pull her bikini aside, don’t pull or tug on the straps or ties hoping for a wardrobe malfunction, don’t forcibly hold her in your lap by gripping her hips.

Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, touch her, or attempt to touch her with any item or body part containing, covered in, dripping or actively secreting any bodily fluids; saliva and semen in particular.

Finally, don’t whip it out
ever
, under
any
circumstances. I know that there are situations in which emotions run high and your body responds in natural and predictable ways. I know that your stripper girl genuinely
seems
to like the way you are responding to her. I know she truly, really seems to want it. Maybe she even whispered some shit in your ear about how much she’d like to see it, to touch it or…
whatever.

Do not take your dick out in public and wave it around at people. In case you are unclear on this, the entire interior space of every strip joint in America is considered
in public
. When I worked in clubs, we would catch guys pulling their shit out all the time. One way to respond to that kind of stupidity involved shining flashlights at the guy's exposed junk as we manhandled him the long way through the club, before tossing him out into the parking lot.

One should never underestimate the humor involved in watching some pervert attempt to both stuff his shriveled johnson back in his pants
and
try to break his fall with his hands before his face hits the asphalt. Sometimes you just gotta make choices, you know?

 
Yeah…I’m thinking that it’s better if you don’t take your dick out in public.

Chapter 8. House Rules

All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.

-
D
ALTON’S
L
AW, AS CONCEIVED BY
E
NGLISH CHEMIST, METEOROLOGIST AND PHYSICIST
J
OHN
D
ALTON AS HE MOONLIGHTED AS A BOUNCER AT THE INFAMOUS “
D
OUBLE
D
EUCE” NIGHT CLUB IN 1801.

You might as well know that there are certain conventions, expectations, and generally socialized understandings to live by when hanging out down at the local
Billy-Bob’s Beaver Emporium
, or wherever the fuck it is that you like to go. Just like any other social activity that people engage in, there are ways by which shit
just gets done
, and if you don’t respect the time-honored methodology, you risk being
shunned, banned, and/or getting your ass kicked.

So, without further ado, here are the rules:

 

1. Don’t show up drunk, high or otherwise intoxicated.
   
2. Bring your id.
   
3. Don’t bring weapons with you into the club.
   
4. If you are bringing weapons into the club, make sure somebody else carries them for you.
   
5. Don’t bitch about being carded or searched.
   
6. Bring enough cash to pay the door charge at minimum.
   
7. If you earn the right to free entry, you won’t have to ask, so don’t bother asking.
   
8. Always smile and tip.
   
9. Never talk shit to the bouncers.
   
10. Don’t act disrespectful to any female in the club.
    
11. Don’t try to disrobe dancers against their will by yanking on or pulling aside their costumes.
    
12. If you have to vomit, get your ass to the bathroom.
    
13. If you drink a lot, know where the bathroom is.
    
14. Don’t piss yourself because you didn’t want to interrupt the dance.
    
15. Don’t hit anyone, except in self-defense.
    
16. Avoiding your opponent’s head and neck in a fight prevents lawsuits and jail time.
    
17. Don’t use weapons (broken bottles, pool cues) unless it’s the only way to save your own life.
    
18. Don’t call the cops unless it’s the only way to save lives.
    
19. Don’t ask club employees or dancers to call the cops unless it’s the only way to save lives.
    
20. Don’t ever threaten to call the cops as a way of intimidating club employees or dancers.
    
21. Don’t make threats you aren’t prepared to back up with immediate and decisive action.
    
22. Remember to smile and tip.
    
23. Don’t climb on to the stage.
    
24. If you do climb on stage, and you're told to get down, do it right away.
    
25. Don’t put your feet up on, climb on, or stand on the furniture…it’s not your fucking house.
    
26. Don’t argue your tab for dances, just pay it. If they cheated you, don’t go back.
    
27. Always settle your tab at the bar before you leave.
    
28. If you had a tab at the bar, make sure you get your credit card and id back.
    
29. Call a cab if you’re drunk, or have the bouncer do it for you.
    
30. Don’t forget how important it is to smile and tip.
    
31. Don’t cause problems by bringing dancers to sit at the stage with you; the girl dancing up there will think the girl sitting with you is trying to fuck up her money.
    
32. If you’re at the tip rail, tip.
    
33. If you don’t want to tip, then don’t sit at the tip rail.
    
34. Don’t insert foreign objects into any orifice or opening on a stripper’s body.
    
35. The above rule includes things like your fingers, beer bottles, used chewing gum and your prick.
    
36. Don’t tip the dancer on stage with quarters or any other coins.
    
37. If someone from the club asks or tells you to leave, just do it.
    
38. Never yell insults over your shoulder at the bouncers as you walk away from them across the parking lot.
    
39. Don’t spend your whole dance trying to look into the stripper’s eyes, it totally creeps her out.
    
40. Whenever possible, wash your hands before you get dances and always after; it’s courteous to the dancer before you start, and smart for you after.
    
41. Always tip something after a dance unless it really sucked ass or she had obnoxious body odor, breath or personality.
    
42. If you accidentally cum in your pants; stop the dance, go to the restroom and get cleaned up.
    
43. If you tend to accidentally cum on yourself, wear a condom under your pants to prevent a mess.
    
44. Understand that you risk injury or death if you get your cum on a dancer.
    
45. Never yell crap at the DJ.
    
46. Don’t get mad if you yelled crap at the DJ and he is now making fun of you on the microphone.
    
47. If the DJ makes fun of you on the microphone, laugh along as if you’re in on the joke and it’s totally cool. It’s usually the best and only way to shut him up.
    
48. Don’t kick, punch, shake, lean against or mess with the DJ booth.
    
49. Keep smiling and don’t forget to tip.
    
50. Don’t argue with, or touch the manager.
    
51. Don’t bother arguing with a stripper.
    
52. Don’t bring irreplaceable items into the club, you’ll lose them for sure and wind up divorced or something.
    
53. Don’t use a camera without the express permission of the club, and that specifically includes the camera on your cell phone.
    
54. If you are asked to put your cell phone away, just do it without argument…who the fuck are you texting anyway?
    
55. Don’t take your dick out unless you’re in the restroom.
    
56. Don’t piss in the parking lot, or against the building.
    
57. When the lights come on at the end of the night, it means leave, so go without being asked; honestly, you have better places to be anyway.
    
58. If you want a stronger drink, buy a double.
    
59. Don’t think that you own the joint because it’s your bachelor party, birthday party or anything else.
    
60. You aren’t unique or special because you bought a bottle of liquor or champagne.
    
61. Never say, “I know the owner,” especially if you do.
    
62. Make sure you know that smoking is allowed before lighting a cigarette, cigar or pipe inside the club. Ashtrays and/or matches on the table are usually a good indicator.
    
63. Remember, at the end of the day it’s really just a cute girl in a skimpy bikini, and not something to stress over.
    
64. Always wear clean underwear.
    
65. If it sucks, just go somewhere else.
    
66. Have fun, wipe that stupid look off your face, fucking smile...and always tip your waitress.
    

THREE

Playing

Chapter 9. The Gentleman Caller

Now, a question of etiquette…As I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

-
A
BRAHAM
L
INCOLN, LAWYER, STATE LEGISLATOR, CONGRESSMAN, 16TH
U
.
S
.
P
RESIDENT, VAMPIRE HUNTER AND BEARD WEARER; REMEMBERED FOR PERSONAL HUMILITY, SOCIAL COURTESY AND LOVE OF THE THEATER.

In the previous chapter, we talked about how a stripper is generally freaking the fuck out when she hits the floor for the first time in her shift. There are certainly exceptions to this; there are dancers who are quite unfazed by their first appearance of the night, perhaps even eagerly welcoming it. Generally speaking, though, you can pretty much count on the fact that most girls are flipping out, even if they are adept at concealing it. This is your opportunity to stand out from the other guys in the club with basic courtesy, common sense, and a whole lot of
conscious manipulation.

When you are in the club, and a dancer comes on the floor for the start of her shift (well, the first time you have seen her at least) you should make note of this, and keep in mind that she will be looking for a friendly face out there in the crowd to help ease her transition. This will be your chance to make a positive impression by appearing friendly and welcoming, and crucial to framing your first interactions with a stripper in whom you may be interested.

At the same time, it’s essential to remain calm, gracious and undemanding about the whole thing. I’ve often seen men attempting to pull this move yet managing to blow it as they try to overact and grandstand their way through it. Frankly, when you overdo something like this it just comes off as irritating or even condescending. Projecting a sense that none of this is any significant deal and honestly it’s just how you are not something that you’re trying to do, should be foremost in your mind. I’m not saying to act aloof and detached, as if you couldn’t care less.

First of all, someone who is acting too fucking cool to talk to you isn’t truly being all that welcoming, are they? Secondly, there are already a bunch of dudes in the club trying to pull game on the strippers by acting as if they are too damn cool to be there in the first place. You and I both know that if you were way too impressive of a guy to be talking to strippers, you wouldn’t be sitting in a strip club. Don’t pull this move with the girls, it looks socially retarded and does nothing to help you get laid.