The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (3 page)

The one exception to this general rule about English-speaking is women from 
New Zealand
. In case you’re not familiar, there were these people who thought England sucked, so they went and lived in Australia, which is like Texas, but for limeys
.
 Then some of those people were like, 
“Fuck this, if I wanted to live in Texas, I’d move there,” 
so they left and moved to New Zealand.

New Zealand is sort of the California of the tea and crumpet set, meaning there’s gonna be a lot of hot chicks with a preference for nudity, and…oddly…crushing beer cans with their heads, although I couldn’t exactly explain why. I guess in that sense it’s really more specifically like Riverside (County in southern California,) only nicer. 
And by nicer, I mean way
 nicer, and with a lot less crystal-meth and truck stops, and with a lot more towns, education, people with teeth and reasons for existing.

When these aforementioned 
Kiwi
 
girls use English it doesn’t sound very much like, 
“Yes, I do have a cold; why else would I have marbles in my mouth…what? Why yes, that is a sheep as a matter of fact, what of it?”

No, it doesn’t sound like that at all, what it really sounds like is, 
“Hey, why don’t you throw me down on my surfboard and fuck me…then we’ll go skiing. Wanna beer?”

Mmmmm, beer.

In 
Part Four
, we’ll discuss what happens once you’ve overcome those first obstacles that the woman you’re pursuing will undoubtedly place in your way. As her defenses drop, the venue changes, and things start to move to another level, you’ll need to learn the skills that will transform her from 
sexual fantasy
 into your reality. Potentially, you’ll learn how to survive the experience and live to date another day.

I’m sure that almost any guy could get something of value from reading the Guide, no matter who they are, but I’m also willing to bet that if somebody already has a ton of money, looks, charisma and confidence, they likely don’t need my help getting laid. I guess I should confess that 
I didn’t actually write this book for those guys
 that already have everything. My intention in writing this was that literally every guy, regardless of socioeconomic status, career, looks, financial worth or background can walk into any strip club, and with a little bit of work, planning and persistence can eventually walk out with a dancer on his arm.

If you have enough money, you could always just go throw that at the strippers without reading any of this, but that’s not the point here at all. I want to show you how to court your 
fantasy girl
, work the club to your benefit, and be the guy that the girls want to go home with, all without breaking the bank, being in a rock band or resorting to 
date rape drugs. 
In other words, this book is intended for use by every guy who has ever dreamed that the hot chick with the fake tits swinging around the pole could be his because she can.

She will be yours. Read on.

ONE

Knowing

Chapter 1. All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Look alive, men. I’ve got my freak on for Recon.

-
G
EORGE
A
RMSTRONG
C
USTER;
C
IVIL
W
AR HERO, COMMANDER OF THE 7TH
C
AVALRY AT
L
ITTLE
B
IG
H
ORN, AND PROBABLE ORIGINATOR OF THE ALWAYS POPULAR, “
M
USTACHE
R
IDE,” SOLD, EVEN TODAY, FOR JUST 5 CENTS.

And yes, I know exactly what you’re thinking; why use such an obscure quote from Custer? Well, quite simply because I’d like to emphasize the whole idea of generally knowing where the fuck you are going before you go there. Since that’s the kind of thing this whole section of the book is about actually, it seemed somewhat appropriate. Had I wanted to draw your attention to the danger inherent in underestimating your opponent, I would have probably used the other, much more famous line attributed to Custer,

“Bring the Gatling guns? What for? They’re just Indians, lol!”

Of course, attempting to hook up with strippers isn’t quite as much like genocidal warfare against indigenous people as you might think. Actually, it’s not really like that all now that I think of it. What? You weren’t thinking that? Oh, really? Ok, well it was a dumb analogy,
so shut up.
I suppose that 
stripper dating
 is more like a game, (does that work better for you, there Mr. Analogy Snob?) and like any game, you need to set everything up, know how all the pieces work, and learn the rules.

Maybe you sit there staring at everything that just came from inside the box as if a flash of sudden understanding will strike you from out of the clear blue sky. Then, after a few moments of feeling like a complete dumbass, you finally start looking for an instruction book or perhaps something printed on the inside of the box itself somewhere. If you don’t get the things set up properly, you can’t actually play, and you can’t do any of that until you’ve at least taken a moment to scan through the instructions.

Further, figuring out how to set up the game itself gives you a vast deal more valuable insight regarding how to play, strategies for competing with the other players, and what it takes to win. That’s the most valuable thing here; that learning how this game works will provide vital information that could be the edge you’ll need to outcompete the other players.

This is why the first thing we’ll discuss is the setting for your game; strip clubs. They are the arena in which you will compete with other players for the ultimate prize; your own
private dancer
 who wants to come home to you every night. The dimly lit interior of the local
cabaret
 will serve as the playing field for this contest of will, cunning and stamina, thus a working knowledge of how this place works and who exactly calls it home will always be to your advantage.

You will find these places all over America; as I stated earlier, there are thousands of
live adult entertainment venues
 throughout the United States. Several hundred thousand female entertainers live within the orbit of these places. That means that there are
a lot
of half-naked ladies are living and shaking their asses, in all likelihood, somewhere close to you. 

These girls spend a considerable amount of time getting ready to go to work at the club, getting themselves to the club at the beginning of the shift, working at the club, and heading home from the club when the shift is over. I would estimate that over half of an exotic dancer’s waking hours are somehow devoted or assigned to the club in which she works, even on the days she does not physically make an appearance there.

My point is that the club your dancer works at has a tremendous impact on her life. Some of the inputs that shape the way your dancer lives her life include which goods and services are offered within the club, what kind of clientele frequent the place and the way in which the club itself categorizes and treats
entertainers
. 
The people employed at the club make decisions and take actions on a daily basis that change things for the entertainers and the rules instituted by the ownership of the club create a framework within which the daily dramas of the people who work there will play out shift after shift.

If you are planning on dating dancers then you are going to need to go find them in their natural habitat, and that’s the club. Hanging out, either at coin-op Laundromats or as you cruise up and down the frozen food aisles of the grocery store is not a tactic that will work for you. If you want to succeed, you’ll need to go where the girls are, and thankfully, that’s going to be a strip club. 

In order successfully navigate the hazardous jungle that is the inner, social structure of any given club, you will first need to get acquainted with not only the general lay of the land but the wildlife that calls this environment home. Knowing what’s up before even stepping foot in a club on your quest to meet
Ms. Right
can give you the leg up and foot in the door that will tilt the rules of the game in your favor.

First, we need to get some basic concepts regarding club life straight. The dancers, except in a very few, exceedingly rare cases, are not employees. Technically, they aren’t really working for the club at all; in truth they're more like an odd kind of customer that has the right to sell shit on premise. Most strippers are a form of self-employed worker known as an
independent contractor
. 
This status sets dancers apart from the regular
employees 
(managers, DJs, bouncers, bar staff, waitresses, valets, cooks, and so forth) are charged with maintaining order, overseeing the entertainment, providing customer service, handling food and beverage sales and so on. 

Despite this putative
self-employed
 status, however, the dancers are constantly directed and supervised by club employees, typically the management staff who are acting as agents of the proprietor, partnership or corporation that owns the joint. As a
customer
,
working game on the dancers, it can be tremendously helpful to understand the limitations and constraints under which the club, employees and dancers are operating. Oftentimes the set of local laws that govern the club you hang out at are Byzantine in the extreme. 

At best, these regulations are intended to keep any unlawful monkey business from happening and, at worst, intended to make it impossible to operate a profitable adult business at all. While the operation of most adult businesses is protected under both the U.S. and various state constitutions, there is no law anywhere that says that the authorities need allow conditions to exist that might ensure that those same businesses can become,
or remain
, profitable. This means that an unending series of hurdles that a strip club needs to surmount on an ongoing basis in order to remain in operation.

The part here that you need to get is that all this legal bullshit tends to translate downwards to set a policies and processes governing behaviors inside the club that must be respected. So, despite the fact that the entertainer that you have a crush on is not an employee, and is technically her own boss,
she still has to do what she is told
by club staff and management, as well as keep her conduct within the boundaries of club protocol, etiquette and best practices, none of which she has any control over.

This all sort of brings us, in a roundabout way, to the topic of you getting laid actually
at or inside
a strip club, something that is just about as likely as getting hit by lightning or winning the lottery. That is to say that it
can happen
, and it certainly
does happen
, but I wouldn’t go holding my breath waiting for it. The aforementioned adult business regulations and all the structure that is created within adult clubs to police things make something like this a fairly rare occurrence.

This is almost rare enough to say that it never happens but of course I think we are all adult enough here to recognize “never” is a pretty powerful word when the context is naked girls, horny men, liquor, loud music and a dark, intimate location. Still, I wouldn’t bother counting on it, even if you are filthy rich and willing to spend money as if it’s going out of style.

It’s not just Johnny Law standing in the way of you scoring some pussy at the club either. Fact is these girls aren’t hookers. Yeah, maybe they don’t mind using their
sexual nature
 and their bodies to their own advantage when the issue is economic gain but that doesn’t mean they’re a bunch of ratty street walkers. Mostly, these are normal women we’re talking about. They want sex with men that they are genuinely attracted to and with whom they feel safe, secure and comfortable.

Just because you toss a couple of twenties their way and grab your crotch suggestively don’t go expecting them to get all wet and willing. They may pretend that a guy acting like some pubescent cave man is what gets them hot, but that’s just because it’s their job
to make you think that
. Don’t fool yourself on this point or you will go making a fool out of yourself.

Soliciting sex 
from the entertainers in a strip club is a sure fire method to get shunned by everyone there, if not asked or even forced to leave altogether. Asking dancers to meet you off premise, at a motel or your apartment is not getting you anywhere either. Neither should you waste time asking the girls if they do
private parties 
or any of that other crap; they hear that kind of thing all the time and they’ll see you for what you are; your rotted soul and withered, black excuse for a heart will give you away as the motherfucker that you truly are. Just realize that until you succeed in pulling the girl from the club altogether, you aren’t getting to screw her. 

Plus, your goal here is not to fuck dancers just to do it, although that will certainly come in time. Your goal here is presumably to form actual, ongoing relationships with one or more of them and, somehow, survive the experience. The kind of dancer that would go off premise with you for money is obviously not the kind of girl you should look for. Save yourself some time and trouble on this one and just assume, whether it is true or not, that the answer is always
no.