The Sunnyvale Girls (5 page)

As the reality of it all finally seeped into her bones, other questions began to surface. Had Arthur known she wasn't his? Could that be why they'd always locked horns? Was this what had made life hard, the difference between Arthur and herself? And who was this Rocco anyway? A man in a black and white photo. A name that popped up now and then alongside memories of the war or the old house. This shadowy figure – he was her father?

All the years of assuming she'd turn out like Arthur, wondering if his depression was hereditary. She'd been so much more strong-willed than him and she'd always assumed that came from Maggie. But perhaps it actually came from Rocco? In what other ways might she be like him? Would they look the same, or even laugh the same? Had Maggie been thinking along these lines all this time?

Rocco. Her father. Was he even alive?

Toni wanted all these emotions to stop. Her head felt heavy and achy. Her eyes and temples stung from crying. It struck her that the last time she'd cried was at Arthur's funeral four years ago. She suddenly felt tired and old. And just so angry.

After a very long time Toni ventured back to the sheds to do what she always did when things felt tough: bury herself in farm work.

IT
was very quiet in the house. When Flick felt it was okay to leave Nan for five minutes she ducked back to Chad, who was now standing awkwardly by the collection of photos on the wall. Jimmy must have snuck out.

‘Hey, you're still here?' Flick said, walking towards Chad.

He turned and reached for her. ‘Are you all right?

Flick fell into him. ‘I'm not sure. What a bomb.'

‘Yeah.' He pulled a face. ‘I think I should probably make myself scarce. I feel like you guys need some time alone.'

‘Are you going to come out to the club with me and Jimmy tonight? I thought of cancelling but I think I need the drink. Besides, I know Mum won't want to talk and Nan has shut down too.' A strained laugh left her lips. ‘They are so similar.' Flick sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. ‘I would really like you there. Everything is just so weird.'

Chad nodded and kissed her. ‘Okay, babe. I'll try. Call me if you need.'

After he left, Flick went back into the kitchen to help clean up the dishes with Maggie. ‘Nan, can I do anything to help?'

‘There's nothing more to say or do, love. I've let the cat out of the bag and there's no way we can ever stuff it back in.' Maggie gave her a weak smile.

‘Would you like me to stay? I'm sure Mum can shift the sheep on her own.'

‘I'm okay, I'm just worried about Toni. It's not how I thought things would go. I didn't really think this through. No, you go and get the sheep in, love.'

‘Only if you're sure?'

Her nan stood up straight. ‘I may be old, Felicity, but I'm not frail and I don't need watching over. Go do what you have to. I'm fine.' She gave Flick a tight hug as if to show her resilience.

Flick was reluctant to leave but knew once Nan had said her piece that was the end of it. Besides, she also wanted to go and see how her mum was doing. As she turned to leave Maggie grabbed her hand.

‘There is one thing. Tell Toni I'm sorry. I didn't see the point of telling her, since Rocco never came back. I was trying to protect her, you understand? It was bad enough he hurt one person – I didn't want him to hurt her too. Do you think she will ever forgive me?'

The desperation in her eyes was gut-wrenching. Flick patted her on the hand.

‘I'm sure she'll come around. Just give her time. You know how pigheaded Mum can be. I'll talk to her – well, I'll try. I'll be back later. You rest up.'

Flick went to saddle up Contractor. Knowing her mum, she'd be at the shed.

Sure enough, when Flick arrived, Toni was sitting on the Honda motorbike next to the Hilux, just staring into space with glassy eyes.

‘Wow, the ute looks weird without the bullbar,' said Flick. Contractor neighed and stamped his foot impatiently. He loved sheep work and was oblivious to all the drama.

Toni glanced up vaguely. ‘I know. I'll see if I can get it back on but it might be pointless. It's not like the ute goes fast enough to need it. Here, Fella, get up. Let's get these sheep moved.'

Flick opened her mouth, ready to talk to her mum about all that had gone on, but Toni started the bike and revved it while Fella leapt onto the back. He stood, balancing as she took off towards the east paddock.

Flick leant down, resting her face against Contractor, and rubbed his neck. ‘Well, that went well . . . not. Let's go, mate. Follow that bike.'

It was a warm spring day and Flick was glad she'd put on her wide-brim hat. There was a hint of a breeze, which pressed against her blue-checked shirt as Contractor galloped along the track. What a perfect Friday afternoon. Almost good enough to forget the last few hours.

They rounded up the mob and moved them towards the gate. Toni shut off the bike to close the gate but when she tried to start it again, it wouldn't kick over.

‘Are you out of fuel?' Flick asked, turning Contractor back towards her.

‘No, it's over half full.' Toni got off and looked over the motor. Then she unscrewed the spark plug. ‘Ah, shit.' She stood up and put the spark plug in her pocket. ‘Can I catch a lift?'

Flick bit her lip so she didn't give her mum the smug look that was just dying to spread across her face. ‘Sure.' Flick took her foot out of her stirrup and hooked her arm so her mum could lift herself up onto the Contractor's back. Toni wrapped her arms around Flick's waist and, after a slight pause, hugged her tight before resting her head against her shoulder. Flick drew her lip in between her teeth to hold back her tears. Fighting to control her voice, she asked, ‘Dirty spark plug?'

‘Yep.'

‘Do you want me to take you back to the shed or shall we pen these sheep up first?' asked Flick.

‘Think you can handle it?'

‘With Contractor and Fella, not a problem.' Flick nudged Contractor and they headed off.

‘How are the floors coming along?' asked Toni as she relaxed her grip and sat upright.

Flick paused for a moment then chose her words carefully. ‘You really want to talk about that? How about we talk about what happened in the kitchen?'

Toni huffed, her mood drastically changing.

‘You can't avoid it, Mum. I know it must be a shock —'

‘Of course it's a bloody shock. What am I supposed to think? I've just found out my whole life was a lie. I just can't believe my mother would do this. I'm so angry,' she said through her teeth.

Flick felt her body trembling and tried to understand what her mum was going through. ‘You know Nan was just trying to do what she thought best. Without Rocco coming back, maybe it was?'

‘No, I don't care. There are no excuses for not telling me. I've lived my whole life thinking Arthur was my father. I busted my arse to get him to appreciate my efforts and to get his approval, and for what? He wasn't even my dad.'

Tears prickled as Flick took offence to her words. ‘Mum, Grandad was a part of our lives. He was here, he loved us. Where was Rocco?' Sure, her grandad could be hard to take sometimes but there were moments when he showered them with love, moments that Flick missed now he was gone.

Toni sighed and Flick knew she'd given her something to think about.

‘I don't want to talk about it any more, Felicity. I just can't handle it right now. We're shearing soon so we have a lot to do.'

Her stern tone was one Flick never messed with. Much the same with Nan. A change of conversation was needed. After a few minutes of silence Flick perked up.

‘You should come and see the floors at the old house, Mum. They look great now that Jimmy showed me how to use the sander properly. That bloke has no end of talent.'

‘I know. He should be putting them to use on the farm, not helping you play house.'

Flick sighed. ‘You could just be happy for me. At least I'm here on the farm and not off doing drugs and having kids to lots of men.'

‘Sorry, you're right. And I am interested, really.' Toni squeezed Flick's arm. ‘I'm just worried it's a waste of money. We already have a home.'

‘Why don't you come and see how it looks? Once the floors are polished up I want to move in. Maybe Jimmy should too, so he's not stuck out in the old shearing quarters. He deserves better.'

‘Yeah, you're probably right there,' said Toni quietly.

Flick changed the subject again. ‘So are you coming out to the club with us tonight for some pool? It'll take your mind off things.'

‘No, Flick. I'm just not up to facing people at the moment.'

Flick moved Contractor to the left behind the mob, which was wandering too far out. Fella was in a bit deep so she called him back.

‘You know, you really should get out more, Mum. How are you supposed to meet a man and have some fun?'

‘Oh, you are a funny girl. Why would I need a man? I have everything I need here,' said Toni.

‘Come on. I haven't seen you with anyone in ages. If I wasn't here I'd actually think you'd made up my dad too,' she teased.

Toni cleared her throat like something was stuck hard. ‘He may as well be made up. Sometimes I even struggle to remember what he looked like. But you have his eyes and if I really think hard, I can picture him from that starting point.'

‘I wish you knew more about him. Fancy not even knowing his last name! And you thought
I
was reckless at school.'

Toni sighed heavily. ‘What can I say? One night of recklessness brought me you. I don't regret any of it. I had a good time and I'm sure he did too.'

Flick groaned. ‘I don't need any more details, thanks, Mum.'

‘What? I was thirty-three and single.'

Flick thought for a moment. ‘Did you plan on having me?'

‘I've told you before, I don't really know. I didn't plan it, but I didn't really worry about contraception either. I wasn't upset when I found out I was pregnant; maybe I was hoping. But I was disappointed I wasn't in a relationship. Getting married would have been ideal, having a husband to share life with.'

‘Then why didn't you try to find him again?'

Fella barked at the sheep as they ran through the next gate, cutting off her last word.

‘Because we didn't know each other from a bar of soap. He was with the Co-operative Bulk Handling mob constructing the new bin. I only saw him in passing a few times at the shop and then at a big party we had. Before I had a chance to run into him again, they'd left.'

‘You didn't think it would be important for him to know he was going to be a dad?'

‘He was long gone by the time I found out I was pregnant. It didn't seem important to find him. I didn't need him, just you.' Toni sighed. ‘For all I know, he was already a dad. Maybe he had a girlfriend. It was better just being happy with what he'd given me.' Toni played with Flick's long plait. ‘You were a gift from a stranger.'

‘Just like Nan? She thinks you're a gift from Rocco,' said Flick carefully.

‘It's different,' Toni spat, her mood hardening again.

‘How's it different? You didn't know Rocco was your dad, and I don't even know who mine is. The only man I had was Grandad, and now I find out I don't even really have him.'

‘Oh, Felicity, you always had Grandad. You grew up with him, you were the apple of his eye.'

‘But so did you, Mum. Just because Rocco is your real dad, didn't mean you didn't have one either. You didn't miss out. I'm the one who never had a dad. I'm the one who should be angry. Unless you help me find Simon, I'll never have one.'

‘Finding him won't make him an instant father.'

Flick huffed. ‘Maybe not, but he might have a chance to learn. Maybe I have half brothers or sisters out there. How will I ever know? You think you have a right to be angry at Nan – well, I think I should be angry at you.' But she put her own issues behind her, shelving them for another day. She'd had twenty years to come to terms with her fatherless life, whereas her mum had the lot on one day.

Flick had tried to find Simon herself one time by calling people at Co-operative Bulk Handling, but no one had wanted to help her. Locating a passing worker from a hired crew all those years ago seemed impossible. Even so, Flick still dreamt of finding him. It had been hard growing up without a dad. Grandad Arthur and the odd workman were as close as she could get. It made her wish Jimmy had been on their farm since the day she was born. He would have made an awesome dad.

‘Why didn't you find someone to marry? I don't really remember you ever having boyfriends, not anything long-term. At least Nan found you a dad,' she said with difficulty.

She felt her mum's hand on her arm. ‘Oh, Flick, believe me, I would have if I could. It's just so hard to find a good man out here, let alone one willing to take on a child.'

‘What about Jimmy?'

Toni stiffened. ‘Jimmy would have been twenty-four when I had you. Little more than a kid himself. And of course there's the minor detail that we hadn't even met him then.' She sighed. ‘But I tried. I dated a shearer for a while but that was too hard with his job and me with the farm and you. I just didn't have time for relationships that needed extra work, if you know what I mean. And you remember Drew? The Pommy fella? We had a month together before his visa ran out and he went home.' Toni shrugged. ‘I wished all that for you, but I couldn't make it come true. Dating is not easy when you have a child and a farm to manage. Besides, you seemed happy just having Grandad.'

Flick rolled her eyes. Sure, she'd seemed happy on the outside. She'd always been an easygoing kid. But it was hard to forget the nights she'd longed for a father to do things with, or those days she'd see her friends at school spoilt by their dads. She'd turned green with envy watching them riding on their dads' shoulders, or later, getting driving lessons. Not even Grandad could help her with that. It was Nan who'd showed her how to drive the old ute. At least Toni had had a father figure around, regardless of whether or not he was her biological one.