The Surrendered Wife (18 page)

S
urrendering will disrupt your husband's routines just as it does yours, and he may resist the changes, either consciously or unconsciously.

For instance, if he's used to hearing you tell him where to turn when he's driving, and you've decided to stop giving him directions, he'll probably ask you which exit to take on the freeway. If you've been telling him which ties to wear for years and one day you don't, he may wonder out loud which one he should wear. He will unconsciously make every attempt to follow the usual script. His chief weapon will be Really Big Bait.

Really Big Bait is anything that makes you want to engage in a familiar conversation or argument. It's asking a question to get a certain answer. It's saying, “Knock, knock” with the expectation that your partner will respond with, “Who's there?”

Let's say he's now taking care of the bills. The very next thing you know, he may come bursting into the room with an important declaration such as “I don't know how we're going to pay the mortgage this month!”

Make no mistake about it: This announcement is an engraved invitation for you to jump up and do the same old dance that you've been doing together for years. He's trying to get you to engage. He's trying to get you to take over again because now there's a problem and he's not accustomed to fixing it because that used to be your job.

You might be tempted to say, “Let me take a look at the numbers,” or “How much are we short by?” or “Take some money out of the savings then.” If you offer any of those answers, you are in effect saying, “I wasn't really serious about giving up the checkbook.
Forget the whole thing and I'll take it over again. That way I won't have to be nervous and you won't have to be uncomfortable.”

Instead, say, “I'm sure glad you're taking care of that for us.” Remind him that he's in control of that now, and that you're grateful. Letting him make his own decisions, without punishing him for making the “wrong” decision later, keeps you from taking on unnecessary worries, and restores his sense of power and masculinity—but only if you can resist taking them on again.

H
E'D
R
ATHER
H
AVE
Y
OUR
B
LESSINGS THAN
Y
OUR
O
PINION

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go.”

—MARTHA WASHINGTON

Y
our husband might ask your opinion about whether he should go back to school, take a river rafting trip or how to handle a situation at work. In each of those instances, he needs to do what he thinks is best, even if you're afraid you'll never see him during the semester, or that he doesn't swim all that well or that he'll lose his job.

Of course we all like to be asked our opinion, but you need to resist giving it here for two reasons:

1. Your husband already knows what to do.

By telling him what you think, you risk contradicting him. No matter how much he wants to know what you think, he wants to know that you bless what he thinks
more
. If your ideas don't match, there will be friction, guilt, resentment, or all of those.

If he asks which job you think he should take, what he's really saying is “Do you think I'll make the right decision?” If he asks you what you think about his plan to buy a certain stock, the question is not whether he's making a good decision, but whether you
trust
him to make that decision. I know it sounds like he's asking for your input when he says “What do you think?” What he's really saying is “What do you think of my ability to handle this situation?”

2. As long as you worry about his decisions for him, he knows he doesn't have to take the consequences into consideration.

When you let go of his worries (or at least act like you're letting go) he has to pick them up again. He'll feel ownership of his life because that's what happens when you stop controlling him. You'll preserve your energy for yourself instead of feeling depleted from worrying about something that's his responsibility.

You can avoid taking the bait by saying, “Whatever you think,” and trusting that your husband will make the right decision.

L
ITTLE
B
AIT
I
S
T
EMPTING
T
OO

“There can be no defense like elaborate courtesy.”

—E. V. LUCAS

O
f course, not all bait is really big. Some bait is small, but just as tempting. Your husband might ask you for a phone number you don't know off the top of your head. Resist the temptation to look it up in the phone book for him. Resist the temptation to tell him there is such a thing as a phone book. Say, “I don't know” when you don't. Use this phrase, or a rhetorical response such as “That's a good question!” when he throws out bait like this:

When is the car registration due?

Which frying pan should I use?

What should I order for breakfast?

Where's the mayonnaise?

Where should I park?

How much should I leave for a tip?

W
hen you don't give these questions specific answers, you may feel a loss of control. The fear underneath that control might rear its ugly head. Perhaps you will worry that the tip was inadequate, or that your Teflon pan will get scratched, or that your husband's cholesterol will get too high if he eats bacon and eggs.

Telling your husband that you'll go along with whatever he thinks is a powerful way to deflect bait and remind him that you're not interested in doing any of the old dances. You are also forcing him to meet new challenges, whether it's keeping track of the automobile
paperwork or learning about omelet pans through trial and error. He can handle it.

Resisting bait will make you feel vulnerable because you'll suddenly lose control of things you're used to controlling. However, trusting his judgment has its own rewards: He will feel more self-assured and masculine, for one thing. His increased sense of competence and your relief about not doing everything are both good ingredients for intimacy.

T
HE
L
URE OF
S
TRONG
, S
ILENT
B
AIT

“The best cure for anger is delay.”

—SENECA

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our husband might also try to engage you without saying a word. He might let bills stack up in a box without even opening them and ignore calls on the answering machine from creditors. He might quit his job and not try to get another one. He might let the baby cry for much longer than makes you comfortable. You can jump in and save the day, but as soon as you do, he no longer has to worry about creditors or jobs or babies because, thankfully, you're worrying about all of that for him. Once again, he sees that you don't really expect him to take care of things. Now you're right back where you started—doing everything yourself.

In the case of silent bait, even mentioning the situation is taking a big bite. There's no need to make any announcements or have any discussions with your husband about how you're going to stop responding to his silent bait. In fact, such a conversation would be
counterproductive and insulting, because you'd really be accusing him of dropping the ball and letting him know that you were over-seeing the whole situation just in case he failed. Instead, just address silent bait in kind—silently. Reassure yourself that he's taking care of the situation, and you don't have to worry. This is part of his process. The sooner you let go of it, the sooner he'll grab the ball and run with it.

W
HEN TO
G
IVE
Y
OUR
O
PINION

T
he only times you wouldn't want to refer your husband back to his own thinking is if he's asking you to choose something based on your desires, such as where you want to go to dinner, what color car you like, or which apartment you'd rather live in. In these instances, go ahead and say what you prefer. If, however, he asks you which computer
he
should buy, how to dress the baby, or whether to refinance the mortgage, use the phrase “Whatever you think.”

If your husband is asking for validation about something he's done, don't confuse that with bait. Give him the reassurance he requests. For instance, if he asks “What do you think of the way I trimmed the bushes?” or “What do you think of the way I waxed the car?” always be positive. Say, “The bushes look a lot neater” or “That really makes the car look shiny.” He's not asking for your advice here, just reinforcement, so give it to him. Everybody needs that.

Y
OUR
M
ANTRA
: D
ON'T
ENGAGE
!