The Surrendered Wife (7 page)

I did so poorly with this experiment that by the time we were backing out of the driveway, I had already figured out where John was taking me and I was telling him the best way to get there. At the restaurant, I told him where to park and squirmed anxiously in my chair as he ordered the dinner I had strategically mentioned appealed to me.

The service that night was abominable. The food took far too long and the waitress ignored us. I told my husband I would ask to speak to the manager and get him to give us our dinners for free because of the extraordinary wait. John assured me we were in no hurry and that he was happy to pay for the dinner. He said he was just enjoying the opportunity to sit and talk with me!

I was beside myself with anxiety. When we finally left the restaurant, I begged him to please take me home (instead of to the movies as he had planned) because I was so distressed. But why was I terrified to be out on a date with my husband? It made no sense!

At no point during the evening was I in any danger of being hurt, embarrassed, bored, deprived, or even having to eat something I didn't like. But to see how I acted, you might have thought I was going before a firing squad. That's how big my fear was.

In reality, my terror had nothing to do with him. I was with a man who knows me well and wants me to be happy. In fact, I was terrified of being out of control long before I met him.

Dominating a situation, however ungraciously, somehow made me feel grounded and safe in an unpredictable world. Finally, as I tried to give up my unpleasant behavior, I learned to dig a little deeper when my urge to control came up and simply say that I was afraid. Unfortunately, this was only a little better in terms of healing my relationship and restoring intimacy. It wasn't until I discovered my “trust muscles”—and started exercising them—that I started to get the connection I'd always wanted.

When Amy talked about her husband, she explained to me that there is always a reason she needs to control his actions. The reason he should eat less red meat is because it's better for his health. The reason he should take one route to the city and not the other is because it would save time and hassle. The reason he should install the curtains her way is because it's more efficient.

The real “reason” Amy can't stop controlling her husband is because she's terrified that if she relinquishes even the tiniest bit of control for a minute, she will lose something precious to her. In this case, she fears losing her husband to heart disease, or having to wait for him because he doesn't know the efficient way to get to work or fix up the house. Like most controlling people, Amy is very bright, and has a distinct set of ideas about what should happen, and how.

Telling her husband how to do things provides her with the illusion of safety, but what she has also done is signaled to him that she doesn't trust him.

T
HE
S
EVEN
H
ABITS OF A
H
IGHLY
E
FFECTIVE
S
HREW

“If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.”

—LISA MORIYAMA

T
here are many ways to be controlling, and I've probably tried them all.

Years ago my husband told me a story about a couple he observed while waiting his turn for a haircut that illustrated just how controlling I could be. While the barber was trying his best to cut the man's hair, his wife was standing by giving the barber explicit instructions. “Not too short in the back,” she told him, “and make sure it doesn't stick out on the top!”

Several other men were waiting for haircuts as well, and when the barber finished and the couple left, everyone sighed with relief. My husband got in the chair next and told the barber, “My wife couldn't be here today, so you're on your own.”

Even though I recognized myself in this story, I wasn't able to change my seven shrewish habits. I couldn't seem to keep from (1) talking on my husband's behalf and making decisions for him. I told myself that it was a good thing I did, or he would be a mess. Sometimes I would resist uttering criticisms, but (2) give my husband a disapproving look. This seemed less offensive to me, but not to him. When I tried to stop giving him “the look,” I started (3) asking questions that seemed innocent enough but clearly conveyed my disapproval. (i.e., You're going to wear
that?
) I would (4) try to explain to my husband what I would do if I were in his situation, hoping that he would do what I thought he should. I've
made (5) countless unsolicited suggestions, (6) gasped in the car while he was driving, and (7) frowned at the lettuce he bought, all in the desperate, futile attempt to modify his actions.

None of those tactics got me the intimacy I craved. Instead, they annoyed my husband. It seemed like John was always waiting for me to decide what we should do, and then dragging his feet once I did. I might have been getting some things done
my
way, but now John was dependent on me. I was exhausted from doing everything and lonely because I was doing it all by myself.

If your husband doesn't speak up when he gets a haircut or doesn't pay attention to the route when he's driving, it could be because he's always expecting you to pipe up. If you jump in and tell him what to do because you think he can't figure it out, you are encouraging him to cruise while you maneuver. If he hasn't already, he will lose the impetus to do things for himself because he knows that his wife-crutch is always there.

You might argue that it's a two-way street. You could say, as I have before, that if he would stop being so obnoxious or lazy, you wouldn't have to get after him and “help.”

Perhaps you think someone should write a book for men explaining how they can be more responsible husbands.

Perhaps someone should.

But you couldn't make your husband read it, or do what it says. So your only chance of improving your marriage is to change your behavior. I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change [like my husband]

The courage to change the things I can [like myself]

And the wisdom to know the difference [between him and me].

R
ESPONDING TO
H
IS
C
RAZY
I
DEAS

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, “You're the boss.”

—ANONYMOUS

O
ne of the most difficult things about relinquishing control is that we don't always
know
when we're being controlling.

Letting your husband know how little regard you have for his ideas is the most dangerous and subtle form of control. When you squash your husband's ideas you are telling him you don't trust him. Without trust there can be no intimacy. Therefore, one of the keys to relinquishing control is to respect your husband's thinking.

Your husband may make a pronouncement that sounds silly. He's human and he deserves the space to think about things, concoct crazy schemes, and make mistakes, just as you do. We all need the freedom to muse out loud about whatever it is we're thinking. So, the first step in respecting your husband's thinking is to let him think out loud without criticizing, laughing at, dismissing, or insulting him.

Instead, say with as much kindness and sincerity as you can muster, “Whatever you think” when he is telling you his ideas. For instance, if he comes up with a nutty thought that he should change jobs, and this strikes terror in your heart, you say, “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the kids should learn how to ski, and this sounds dangerous to you, say, “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the two of you should go out to dinner, and you think you should save money and eat at home, say, “Whatever you think.”

Even if you think what he's saying is lunacy, respond by reminding
him that you respect what he thinks. Practice saying, “Whatever you think” repeatedly because it's difficult to form those words when you really need them most. For best results, use this phrase exactly like you see it here. I've heard variations on this phrase such as “It's up to you,” “What do you think?” “That's for you to decide” and “Whatever you want,” but none of these communicates both implicit trust in his thinking and a healthy detachment from his problems as well as “Whatever you think.”

Of course, this phrase also implies that you agree with whatever he thinks, which means you're going to end up agreeing to a lot of things that you never would have before. It's not as dangerous as it sounds—all you're really doing is allowing your man to be himself.

Sometimes your husband's ideas will materialize and sometimes they won't. But if you trust him—and respect his ideas rather than trying to control what actually comes to fruition—I guarantee that you will be one step closer to fostering intimacy with your husband. He may lose money. He may make you late. The kids might get bruised knees. He may make a mess, or lose his job or let the bills go so long that the water gets turned off.

None of those situations is permanent, none of them is life threatening, and all of them are part of being human. They can certainly put a strain on your marriage, but they don't have to. You have the power to choose whether you fight about something for days or laugh about it for years.

Many of us harbor the illusion that when we reject disagreeable thoughts and ideas immediately, those thoughts die and never materialize into actions with unpleasant consequences. We believe that we won't have to deal with the financial uncertainty of a job change if we tell him it's not a good idea. We think we won't have to be afraid for our children's safety if we dismiss his idea of teaching them to ski. We won't have to watch our husband suffer and curse while repairing the plumbing himself if we give him “the look” that lets him we know we don't think he can do it.

The problem is that when your squash your husband's ideas, you kill his spirit. When you disrespect your husband's thinking, he feels rejected. You give him no choice but to believe that you already know what's best and have complete veto power. You are letting him know who is in charge: you. He has that recurring thought, “Why bother?” And you are left with feeling tired from shouldering all the responsibility.

But this vicious circle can be interrupted. If you respond to your husband's ideas with trust, he will feel a new level of responsibility. If he says he can fix the plumbing himself, and you say, “whatever you think,” he will feel the full weight of the task on his shoulders and probably even some fear. He will think more seriously about the task before deciding whether he wants to take it on.

T
HE
M
AGIC OF
G
RATITUDE

“Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want.”

—ABRAHAM L. FEINBERG