The Surrendered Wife (9 page)

T
oday, if I were to have those same conversations with my husband, they'd go something like this:

E
XAMPLE
1: G
IFT FOR A
F
RIEND

H
IM
:   I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.

M
E
:   Okay.

John is in charge of the household finances, so I don't need to worry about what we can afford. I have my money, so this purchase will not affect me. Instead of discounting John's friends as I would have before, I honor them because I recognize that they offer him things that I can't, just as there are things I share only with my girlfriends. John enjoys giving gifts to me, and it also gives him pleasure to show his affection and appreciation to his friends. Finally, how ridiculous is it for me to pick a present for
his
friend? Don't answer that!

E
XAMPLE
2: P
AINTING THE
H
OUSE

M
E
:   I wish the outside of our house looked better. I want new paint. What do you think?

H
IM
:   I think we should go to the paint store, buy some paint, and start painting.

This is a real-life example! Notice that I just said what I wanted, not how it should happen. He could also have said, “Let's hire somebody to do it.” Of course, he could have also said, “I think we should wait until spring and then paint it.”

I would have gone along with either scenario because I'd rather not spend my energy trying to get John to do something he doesn't want to do. If we had painted the house when John didn't want to, I would have gotten my way, but it would have irritated John. Harmony and closeness are much greater gifts than having a house the neighbors admire for its fresh paint.

E
XAMPLE
3: C
AR
M
AINTENANCE

H
IM
:   The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I'm going to take it in next week.

M
E
:   Thank you for taking care of that.

Once again, I don't need to worry about what he's doing because I trust my husband to maintain the car without any input from me. After all, he was doing it long before he met me, and his method worked. Maybe he didn't do it the way I thought he should, but that didn't mean he was being irresponsible.

THE PATH TO INTIMACY, PASSION AND PEACE

S
ome women worry that their husbands will be shocked and find them insincere when they say, “Whatever you think.” But not surprisingly, most husbands are just so glad to be trusted that they don't want to ruin it by asking questions. Still, even if you're worried that your husband will doubt the new you, don't get into a long discussion trying to convince him that you really mean what you say. That just opens too many cans of worms. Rather, it's best to just reinforce the original message. You might say, “I'm sure you've got it handled,” or “I'm just relieved that I don't have to think about it.”

Along this path of respect, you will find peace, relief, joy, and passion that you will never find any other way.

“Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it.”

—ANONYMOUS

Promise yourself that you will practice surrendering for at least six months before you tell your husband about being a surrendered wife. Instead of confiding in him, find a girlfriend or two who will listen and support you in your process.

I
f you're like me, your first instinct will be to tell your husband everything you've learned about the practices of a surrendered wife. You might even be tempted to hand him this book. Instead, I urge you to
consider keeping this new information to yourself
. The idea of keeping secrets from your husband may sound counter to the whole concept of being intimate. After all, how can you expect to be truly connected and understand each other if you don't share all of your feelings?

Yet here are some of the things I've heard bright, thoughtful women say to their husbands when they're newly surrendered (I'm not making these up!):

“I'm supposed to start respecting you more, according to this book.”

“This author says I shouldn't give you advice. I don't think that's right, do you?”

“I'm going to start surrendering because I'm sick of doing everything around here! Now you'll see what it's like to have to do some of the work.”

“According to this book, I'm supposed to just keep my mouth shut when you do the dishes wrong/wear something that doesn't match/don't change the baby's diapers right.”

“From now on, I'm going to appreciate your little gifts.”

“I'm going to pretend I respect you and believe in you, even when I don't.”

In each of these statements is an inherent criticism or controlling comment. Here's why they slip out: In the beginning, the anger, loneliness, depletion, and resentment you feel are prominent, and it's almost impossible to keep from expressing those feelings
in a related conversation. However, doing so will do further damage to the intimacy in your relationship, which is discouraging when you're just starting out.

I don't know of any benefit in talking to your husband about surrendering. It's like visiting a bakery when you're just starting a new diet. If you aren't in the habit of passing up sweets yet, you might succumb to a chocolate éclair, thus setting yourself back before you've had a good start. Once you develop the
habit
of passing up pastries, however, that same visit to the bakery will be less challenging because you will have already practiced resisting temptation. Also, you have momentum, and that makes you stronger.

I'm making a special plea for your discretion in this matter because I've noticed a common tendency among wives to disregard this suggestion. Some women tell me that they know they aren't supposed to tell their husbands about surrendering, but their husband is different, or they themselves are different, or they always share everything with their husband.

One woman described a conversation where she told her husband about surrendering because she wanted him to know that it was hard for her to trust him because he had let her down so many times before. Ouch! She then went on to say that she felt better for having had this conversation even though she knew I advised against it. She probably did feel better in the short run. But telling her husband that he had let her down so many times before when she is trying to build trust and intimacy is the equivalent of consuming a big hunk of cheesecake at the onset of a diet—defeating!

N
O
T
RUMPETS
W
ILL
S
OUND

“I often regret that I have spoken; never that I am silent.”

—PUBLILIUS SYRUS

W
on't my husband know there's something going on?” women often ask me. Of course he will. Most husbands are acutely aware of their wife's moods and habits (even if they seem oblivious). Not only will your husband be pleasantly surprised to find that his wife is treating him respectfully, and that she seems more appreciative and happier, he will have a new, deep sense of peace because his entire day-to-day experience will be changed. In turn, he, too, will probably seem easier to live with because he won't be reacting to the tension and bickering that is usually present in your marriage.

Still, he's not likely to come out and ask you what you're up to. He's not going to present you with a gold medal, a blue ribbon, or even a necklace. The change is subtle, kind of like feeling better after a bad cold. You're healthy again, but you haven't changed so monumentally that people are coming up to you saying how lovely you look without puffy eyes and a red nose. You're just back to your old affable self.

Since surrendering to your husband is more about the absence of an old behavior, it's likely to take a while before your husband notices. Initially, he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, he will start to trust your new behavior.

There's another reason your husband probably won't ask you why you're behaving differently. If he's accustomed to waiting to find out what to do from you, he's going to get reacquainted with
his own voice. This is the same voice that told him he was attracted to you, loved you, and wanted to marry you. Hearing it again for the first time in a long while may distract him altogether from what you're doing.

Surrendering to your husband is going to change your whole life, and it's going to change his too, but talking about it and doing it are not at all the same thing.

T
HE
N
EW
Y
OU
I
S THE
R
EAL
Y
OU

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

—MAHATMA GANDHI

W
hen Paula first surrendered she was feeling especially uncomfortable with “keeping secrets” from her husband although she was seeing remarkable changes in her marriage. I suggested that she plan to tell her husband what she was doing, but only after she'd been doing it for at least six months. She agreed, and when six months had passed, Paula had transformed. She no longer felt judgmental toward her husband, and she realized there really wasn't any secret to disclose. Her husband knew she had changed and didn't seem the least bit betrayed that she hadn't told him what she was doing sooner. He even knew it had something to do with being a surrendered wife, and which of her friends were involved in surrendering.

You may be tempted to ask your husband how he likes the “new you” or if he's noticed anything different lately. It's human to want some positive reinforcement. You do deserve pats on the
back for having the courage to take this difficult journey. Lots of women will never find the strength to do what you're doing, so your perseverance is admirable. However, your husband is not the appropriate person to ask for such reinforcement. Although you are doing a lot of hard work, you can't really ask your husband to gush about how you haven't been controlling or rude to him in a while.