The Surrendered Wife (27 page)

The next time they went to the amusement park, Kelly had been respecting Jerry for some time, and everyone in the family was enjoying harmony and closeness. This time, Jerry was happy to buy a lollipop for his little boy. The time after that, he came up with the idea of buying a lollipop with no prompting.

Naturally, Kelly had an easier time respecting Jerry when he was being generous, but they may have never gotten to that point if she hadn't been willing to uphold his decision when he said no.

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INIMIZE
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AMILY
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ONFLICT BY
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AXIMIZING
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ESPECT

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en show up for their roles as fathers in a completely different way once they feel respected by their wives. Even in cases where a man is verbally abusive to his children, there is much hope of the family being restored (as long as this is not accompanied by
physical abuse, sexual abuse, or an active addiction). Children are less likely to be punished inappropriately, and more likely to be attended to generously when their father feels respected by his wife. Perhaps this is because kids are easy targets for misplaced anger. For example, if a man is angry with his wife for being bossy and domineering, he might try to keep the peace by saying nothing to her. In the meantime, the anger that was never properly vented seeps out as inappropriate outbursts at the children. This is terribly unfair, but it's also very human.

Since you've already identified him as one of the good guys, do your best not to interfere. This is simply another way of setting up a positive expectation for your husband to be a good father, and he knows best about that.

I have tremendous admiration for the mothers I know who have managed to surrender in parenting. Despite their “mama bear” instincts to protect their children at all costs, they never forget just how anxious their husbands are to protect their cubs, too. I've witnessed tremendous courage from these women, who clearly had to override this powerful protective instinct to respect the way their husbands play, handle crisis, and vent anger. In the long run, these women find themselves with husbands who are more dedicated, thoughtful fathers and more passionate, romantic lovers. Whether I'd be able to do this myself if I had children, I don't know, but my hat is off to the women who let their husband be the children's father.

“People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.”

—JOHN HARRIGAN

Spend one evening listening to your husband. Even if neither of you talks much, make a point of really hearing everything he says. Smile and invite him to say more by tilting your head and saying, “Really?” or “Oh?”, then LISTEN. Acknowledge that you hear what your husband says (whether you agree with it or not) by saying, “I hear you.”

W
hen my husband got a higher-paying job a few years ago, he made a sarcastic comment that he hoped he was making enough money for me.

I felt surprised and hurt by his comment, but I didn't react. A few minutes later, I took this opportunity to tell him I was proud of him for getting this new job and that I felt well taken care of and happy. I was lucky that time because I was able to sort through the words and tone in his message to hear what he was really saying, which was that he wanted reassurance that I appreciated him.

Once I responded to what I call his “heart message,” he perked up immediately, and I haven't heard a comment like that from him since.

A heart message is a statement that sounds like one thing on the surface, but means something else when you probe a little deeper. Your husband may not be explicit about his emotions, but you'll hear his vulnerability and truth in heart messages if you listen carefully. What you really want to know is the message that's hidden underneath your husband's words.

Often I don't realize that there's a message underneath my husband's words until I talk to someone else about what he said. Around here, heart messages are sometimes hidden under what sounds like a complaint. The romantic approach is to respond to these complaints by addressing the real message. Here are some examples of comments that have hidden heart messages:

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ESSAGE
: “Stop giving those kids everything they want!”

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EART
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ESSAGE
: I want you to pay attention to me.

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ESSAGE
: “No matter what I do around here, it's never enough for you!”

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EART
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ESSAGE
: I hope you appreciate me. I want you to notice what I do.

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ESSAGE
: “There's no pleasing you, is there?”

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EART
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ESSAGE
: I'm afraid I don't make you happy. I hope I'm adequate as a husband.

As you can see, heart messages are difficult to hear and require some careful listening. Before I could even begin to hear these messages, however, I had to turn down my own volume, which I'll explain.

For so long, I thought that John needed to take more initiative and stop letting people walk all over him. I admonished, begged, manipulated, and cajoled him to speak up. I would make all the decisions, and then be annoyed that he wasn't communicating or expressing his ideas. I asked him a question, answered it myself, and then complained that I never knew what he was thinking and that he always seemed indifferent.

Ironically, as soon as I was willing to stop speaking up about everything, I started to hear John expressing his views and desires. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the problem wasn't apathy on his part, but that I just couldn't hear him—that he probably couldn't even hear himself—over my constant chatter.

In effect, I had silenced John. He was never louder than I was, so I could rarely hear him. It wasn't until I turned down my volume that I started to notice he was making any sounds at all. In retrospect, this makes perfect sense. Once John realized that his words fell on deaf ears, he stopped offering them. What was the point of his saying anything when I was so sure that I had a better idea, and signaled that I didn't see the point in listening to his?

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ISTENERS

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

—BRENDAN FRANCIS

S
o how do you turn down the volume? I use a lot of duct tape to keep things from coming out of my mouth that I'll later wish I hadn't said.

For instance, one evening my husband and I were both reading at home when I interrupted him to ask how many years it would be until we would retire. He snapped back that this wasn't the appropriate time to talk about it. I was stunned by this response, and so sat there silently for a few minutes, trying to think up clever, hurtful retorts. Before I could say anything though, he looked up and said, “I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I'm worried that I haven't put anything into our retirement account in a long time. I guess I don't want to think about how that's going to affect us when we retire.”

Good thing I was slow on the comeback. I would have missed getting an apology and started World War III. As it was, I got lucky. I hadn't yet thought of my retort, so I ended up serendipitously giving him space to talk before I jumped down his throat. That's how I discovered the gifts that come when I don't run in to fill the quiet space.

At least a few times a day, hold your tongue when you would normally speak, just to create a vacuum (a spot someone will naturally want to fill in with conversation) in the discussion. To better understand this, think about whether there's room for new furniture
in your living room. If it's filled with the old furniture, then you need to create the space for a new couch by taking the old one to the dump first. Then you would have a vacuum, an empty space longing for furniture, where the old couch used to be. Being quiet in your relationship is the equivalent of dumping the couch before you have any idea where the new couch is going to come from. It leaves a space for something interesting and unexpected to come in.

In other words, be quiet.

Listen for what comes out of your husband when you are silent. Listening is a vital key to emotional connection that women frequently overlook. If you think your husband doesn't have much to say, has no ideas of his own or just sits there like a bump on a log, it could be that he never gets a word in edgewise. If you find him uncaring and indifferent to what the family needs, perhaps you aren't quiet long enough to hear him.

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ISTENERS
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“Sometimes it is a great joy just to listen to someone we love talking.”

—VINCENT MCNABB

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ost people love to hear themselves talk, but if you're longing to hear him too, you need to be a good listener, which means that in a conversation, you demonstrate that you are truly taking in what is being said, not just thinking of what you're going to declare
next. The first step in developing listening skills is to remember to take a break from talking every so often. Encourage him to speak by making eye contact, staying quiet, and asking questions whenever appropriate. But don't bombard him with inquiries because that can seem invasive.

A good listener acknowledges that she has heard what someone else said, and can do so without recounting her own story about a similar experience or giving advice. One of the ways I do this is by using the phrase, “I hear you.” That assures my husband that I'm listening, and reminds me that I don't necessarily need to comment or advise him.

When you avoid interrupting your husband you will also become a better listener. To do this, make a point of waiting until he is done speaking, then count to three silently before you respond. This is also a great way to demonstrate that you are listening, rather than plotting your next sentence.